I messed up big time after a first date and deeply regret it

[spiderowl]

On 1/12/2023 at 12:21 AM, uncanny said:

Still, I should have played it cool. I don't mind getting married, but kids is something I've never wanted. I don't like saying never, but then I understand why I'm a big risk in that regard. I'm not gonna say never but I do say probably never.

As a woman, I think I would have picked up that you didn’t want kids or marriage especially from the way you said it.  She was put off by that. Also, she can see that it would take time for you to be in the same space as her materially and to be prepared for marriage and a family. She mentioned an ex, so presumably she was in that situation before and is dead against going through that ‘waiting-for-circumstances-to-be-right’ stage.

I don’t think this is any bad reflection on you. It it just that you actually want different things but you would have been prepared to compromise - somewhat - if she had been interested. I presume she did not want to put you in a position where you had to compromise or change yourself for her. Also, from her point of view, she could have ended up waiting for the right time for practical commitment while you adjusted at your pace and maybe became increasingly resentful of her hopes and expectations.

I agree she probably liked you a lot but could see the lifestyle and aspirations gap and knew it could not work.

I can completely understand your anguish over this. We don’t often meet people with such a great connection. Maybe it will help to have a think about what you want out of life long term and to head in that direction. I am sorry this has been painful. It probably was for her too.

[glows]

On 1/12/2023 at 1:21 AM, uncanny said:

I did invest too much emotionally to the point it affected me daily for weeks, and I don't think it's fair I don't get anything in return. I deserve someone who likes me for who I am and is willing to get to know me more. She might have been great, but if she doesn't feel the same then there's no point going back and forth with this.

You both got a few weeks to know one another and see that you didn’t have enough in common. There was a connection there so I wouldn’t say you didn’t get anything in return. The exchange sounds pretty fair to me. How did you feel you didn’t get anything in return - curious here. She not only spent time with you, she gave you an explicit reason for not choosing to pursue this. That’s more than a lot of people would do after just one date.

I agree you overinvested emotionally and suspected early on there were red flags about yourself as you asked her if she saw any about you or the situation. That wasn’t explained in much detail but my initial read was you weren’t as confident about yourself going in in the first place and needed reassurance from her to tell you that you are good to date. It’s what also led me to believe you’re somewhat directionless right now or are searching for a partner to give you that direction in life which is quite a burden to place on someone else.

If you do feel like you have a purpose and are feeling good about yourself then ignore all this and just be more confident about yourself and what you’re doing with the new opportunities in this country you’ve just moved to. Don’t give up on any dreams you have. 

I think it’s also helpful to change your mindset that this was a “one in a million” type of match. There was a good spark but that view that she was so great and wonderful not only doesn’t take into consideration you both barely knew one another at all and spent a limited amount of time together and only met for one date, not enough time to know if someone is a “one in a million” for anything. Try not to alienate other opportunities to meet others or compare what you think you might have known about someone who is virtually a stranger. Either way, I’m glad you decided to move on.

 

 

[uncanny]

UPDATE

Hey everyone, not sure you'll get the notification for this last post, but worth a shot and wanted to get it off my chest.

I've gone out with other people since I last posted, and escalated with some of them. I've currently started seeing someone I've quite a lot in common with, especially humour wise which is very important to me. She's excited about the prospect of seeing me and getting to know me more.

However, and I'm completely aware these things take time, I simply cannot get that other person who I had the first date with over a month ago out of my head. The reason is, I still strongly believe she was the whole package and I would have wanted to get to know her much more. So I'm left wondering, is it fair for me to see other people I don't feel the same connection with? Is it fair to them? It does sound crazy, but I felt and still feel she set the bar so high I'm concerned I can't give in to other women when my feelings are not as strong.

Ill be the first to admit this is not healthy, but I did think of contacting her. Casually and light hearted, of course. But I simply don't know what I'd say.

I said on my last post I wished I hadn't met her.

And do I wish that...

[JTSW]

17 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I simply cannot get that other person who I had the first date with over a month ago out of my head

That will get less and less over time.

18 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I did think of contacting her.

For what reason?

18 minutes ago, uncanny said:

is it fair for me to see other people I don't feel the same connection with?

No, it isn't fair, but you also cannot put your life on hold for a girl that doesn't feel the same.

[uncanny]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

That will get less and less over time.

For what reason?

No, it isn't fair, but you also cannot put your life on hold for a girl that doesn't feel the same.

Obviously there's a part of me that wishes to start anew since it's been a while. That thinks maybe she still hasn't found someone and she'd change her mind if Im actually chill this time. This is me being honest.

Indeed I can't. But I know this will go on for much much longer. But as you said I can't put my dating life at least on hold.

So what the heck do I do. I don't want to be going through person after person and ending up hurting someone.

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, uncanny said:

So what the heck do I do.

Accept it.

You can try and give her a call or txt to see where she is at right now, I don't see the harm.

But be prepared that nothing may have changed.

[Alpacalia]

This is not necessarily about HER and the connection you felt with her. Repudiation stings more than acceptance.

The process of dating is unpredictable. Although unfortunate, it is the way things are, and it can be discouraging.

Remember, when the right situation arises, you'll meet someone incredible. Sometimes as hard as you try to put yourself out there, you can’t beat great timing or a chance encounter. We don't know what the future holds, do we?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

. I've currently started seeing someone I've quite a lot in common with, especially humour wise which is very .

It's great you are going out on dates. Give yourself time to find someone who you click with. 

Unfortunately the woman was crystal clear that you're not a match. She gave specific reasons. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do or could have done differently.. It happens.

She was kind not to drag things out and be upfront setting both of you free to find better matches. Not everyone will be an instant hit so just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[uncanny]

Well, everyone, don't know how to say this

Despite actually wanting to move on and trying to have fun and meet people, I just cannot move on completely from what happened with the person from this thread.

I just knew after we'd met it would mark an after and before, and predictably it did. Of course, it doesn't help that Ive never connected with someone like I did with her.

A big part of this is the fact I never got to know her more. But I'm aware by turning down a relationship with me she implied she doesn't want to know me more.

What's the point of this? I'm not sure. I felt like letting off some steam because I've caught myself thinking about it these days and feeling quite down.

I liked her a whole damn lot...

 

[glows]

That’s okay. Don’t fight it. Although I’d reflect on other areas. What suddenly brought this up again? Or made you think of her? 

I think having fun comes around naturally. You can’t really force that.

 

[uncanny]

14 hours ago, glows said:

That’s okay. Don’t fight it. Although I’d reflect on other areas. What suddenly brought this up again? Or made you think of her? 

I think having fun comes around naturally. You can’t really force that.

 

I'm not entirely sure. They were a conglomeration of factors.

The first thing is the unlikeliness of it all. At 31, this was the first and only time I've had feelings reciprocated. And not just by anyone, but someone who objectively was so out of my league it's funny just thinking about it. But the chemistry was there and she knew it as well. So in a way, this seemed like one of those unlikely out of a movie scenarios. My best friend who knows me very well asked me how did the date go. My answer was Dude, she's amazing.

Secondly, the fact it didn't work out not because of unreciprocated feelings, but ironically because she could tell she would like me a lot down the road (she said it herself) and didn't want to break it off later left a terrible sour taste in my mouth. Something that seemed so close yet so far.

To top it, the fact she was so mature about her decision and took the time to talk to me and be considerate of my feelings said a hell of a lot about what type of person she is. It would have been easier had I been ghosted or treated like s***. Good, I would have dodged a bullet there. 

Finally, she was very confident about herself and what she wanted. Not in a demeaning or arrogant kind of way, but simply being true to her desires and needs. And this, again, is something incredibly rare to find.

Now, yes, I barely knew her. But her actions spoke well of her, and the connection we felt is not impossible to find, but very hard.

Was I a big risk? Totally and I get that. Was I up to the task and her level of maturity? Probably not. But sometimes people come across people that change them for the better. Yes, we should change for ourselves. But my point being, sometimes that one person makes us want to become better, to be up to the task of being with them.

One last thing is I have talked to countless women and gone on dates where I escalated things. Although I had fun, it reinforced the fact that what I felt about that one person was indeed unique.

Am I idealizing her? I think so. But don't we all when we really like someone? 

Which is why I wanted to get to know her more. I didn't care about getting physical with her off the bat. I simply had the urge to know this person I felt such a spark with. In the most genuine way.

I'm sad.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/11/2023 at 2:30 AM, uncanny said:

 . She's a highly accomplished professional in her field and wanted to settle down and have kids.  Im from another country and have been experiencing the backpacking life, which means I don't have a career or my own place here 

It doesn't seem like you messed up at all. In fact it seems like the date went well and she handled the "not a match due to life stages" thing promptly and diplomatically.

If she served as a muse or inspiration, take it from there. Perhaps look into working and living arrangements and stabilizing your life?

However it's best to seek out someone compatible and comfortable with your lifestyle rather than someone who's looking for something completely different from who you are.

[uncanny]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like you messed up at all. In fact it seems like the date went well and she handled the "not a match due to life stages" thing promptly and diplomatically.

If she served as a muse or inspiration, take it from there. Perhaps look into working and living arrangements and stabilizing your life?

However it's best to seek out someone compatible and comfortable with your lifestyle rather than someone who's looking for something completely different from who you are.

She damn well did.

You're right. The thing is if we take into account that's happened once in a 31 year timeframe, the outlook is not good. This was not just a case of I like someone enough and they like me back. Someone so out of my league liked me back a lot as I did them! I got high off this feeling which frankly is too dangerous.

We all know just how frustrating dating apps can be. She was the only person where things just flowed, and I've been using these apps on and off since a long time. It still feels odd to this day out of all these accomplished guys (she described the type that she matched with, generally engineers) she invested so much into our conversation and later date.

It's very hard to not ponder for a while when I look back at the level of excitement she felt when she simply saw me from afar and kept smiling and laughing at the slightest s*** i said. 

That was indeed too good to be true. It almost always is. 

I know it would have hurt WAY more, but damn if there's not a part of me that wondered how it would have felt to have lived through some things with her. Even if for a while.

This s*** must be like heroin...

[basil67]

You've gotta stop picking at this scab or you won't heal.   

This was never going to work because of your different life stages and she recognised it early.   Thing is, no matter how much you may want her, her body clock doesn't have time to wait around for you to catch up in terms of career, housing and financial stability.   

 

 

[uncanny]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've gotta stop picking at this scab or you won't heal.   

This was never going to work because of your different life stages and she recognised it early.   Thing is, no matter how much you may want her, her body clock doesn't have time to wait around for you to catch up in terms of career, housing and financial stability.   

 

 

And it honestly makes me feel like a failure even though I shouldn't. There are circumstances, some out of my control, others self inflicted, that lead me to make a lot of mistakes along the way and my miss opportunities. But I'm not some unreliable and unambitious guy that just wants to have fun and never get serious with anyone. 

It does pain me when I think who knows later down the road I'm more stable and realise how we could have probably worked out, but she just didn't see it at the time.

Of course, being single is not bad. I guess I just wanted to have experienced this intense feeling for longer. Or have someone that added to my life.

[uncanny]

Of course. If I had known her more and realized we were too different indeed, that would have been easier.

Or it could have happened it would have been way harder to move on after realizing we were even more alike than we thought.

I'm not sure we were. No way I can know that.

The thought makes my head spin

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

Am I idealizing her? I think so. But don't we all when we really like someone? 

The thing is, you barely knew her. You are idealizing the idea of her - you never go to know her well enough to idealize the person herself. 

I think this continued dwelling on her is not a reflection of her, really, but something deeper inside you. When our life is full and relatively happy in other ways, we don't tend to lose perspective and get our hopes too high over someone we have only met once. (as I understand, this was just one date, right?) How are things for you otherwise? How's your social life, your professional life, your mental state? 

[uncanny]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is, you barely knew her. You are idealizing the idea of her - you never go to know her well enough to idealize the person herself. 

I think this continued dwelling on her is not a reflection of her, really, but something deeper inside you. When our life is full and relatively happy in other ways, we don't tend to lose perspective and get our hopes too high over someone we have only met once. (as I understand, this was just one date, right?) How are things for you otherwise? How's your social life, your professional life, your mental state? 

Yes, one date. And that's why it drives me crazy, cause I never got to know her more.

Honestly? None of these areas are good. Now, regardless of how good or bad they were, I never connected with anyone. Wouldn't have made a difference if these areas were at a good stage. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, uncanny said:

Honestly? None of these areas are good. Now, regardless of how good or bad they were, I never connected with anyone. Wouldn't have made a difference if these areas were at a good stage. 

You're missing my point. 

My point is that your response to her declining to date you would likely be very different if you felt your life were in a better place. You wouldn't be dwelling on her months later. Sure, it would have stung a bit but you'd be in a much better position to dust yourself off and not beat yourself up over a hypothetical relationship that never got off the ground. 

What are you doing to improve things for yourself? 

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, uncanny said:

And it honestly makes me feel like a failure even though I shouldn't. There are circumstances, some out of my control, others self inflicted, that lead me to make a lot of mistakes along the way and my miss opportunities. But I'm not some unreliable and unambitious guy that just wants to have fun and never get serious with anyone. 

It does pain me when I think who knows later down the road I'm more stable and realise how we could have probably worked out, but she just didn't see it at the time.

Of course, being single is not bad. I guess I just wanted to have experienced this intense feeling for longer. Or have someone that added to my life.

 

17 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Of course. If I had known her more and realized we were too different indeed, that would have been easier.

Or it could have happened it would have been way harder to move on after realizing we were even more alike than we thought.

I'm not sure we were. No way I can know that.

The thought makes my head spin

Again, her body clock is ticking and you're not remotely in the same place as her.   I read so many articles about women who are finding themselves struggling with fertility when they are forty because they wasted time on the wrong man.  Do you understand that women don't have time to wait around to see if a guy comes good?

Unless you have a great degree and chalked up some really great work in that field while you were travelling, you're just too far behind for her to take a risk on.  

Edited March 12, 2023 by basil67

[uncanny]

Also, despite the fact I idealized her, even those close to me agreed her actions spoke highly of her. And they have no reason to simply agree with me for the sake of it. 

In addition, regardless of how bad my life's been, the fact is what happened with her never happened with someone else. I don't go for people who just like me and then fall cause other things in my life are not good. On the contrary, I have pushed away and made other girls frustrated after I didn't escalate things and showed little interest. I've no problem turning down a 10/10 successful woman. I've a problem being rejected by a 10/10 successful woman who I really like.

Was she a 10? She was more than good looking enough (she said she was a 8.5 when we rated ourselves) and had a witty and great personality, so to me she was. 

Truth is, it doesn't matter if I end up dating someone, if she was to reach out I'd drop everything and focus my attention on her. And this is not fair to whoever I'm with.

That's how I really felt. I can't help it. I curse the day we matched on that app that I incidentally deleted cause nothing went anywhere. It was a relief when one of the girls I escalated with told me days after the second date she saw a friendship but nothing else, cause bar compatibility issues I was and still am not interested in anyone else like I was with the girl in this thread.

I play music and write lyrics as a hobby, and damn it if I haven't come up with some f***ing good lyrics as a result of this. Which ironically partly helped me land a date.

Yep, this all sounds crazy.

I've always been single so this is nothing new. Just felt too good, really.

[uncanny]

53 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're missing my point. 

My point is that your response to her declining to date you would likely be very different if you felt your life were in a better place. You wouldn't be dwelling on her months later. Sure, it would have stung a bit but you'd be in a much better position to dust yourself off and not beat yourself up over a hypothetical relationship that never got off the ground. 

What are you doing to improve things for yourself? 

Started treating a disability I was born with to start off which is sort of big for me to be honest

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Again, her body clock is ticking and you're not remotely in the same place as her.   I read so many articles about women who are finding themselves struggling with fertility when they are forty because they wasted time on the wrong man.  Do you understand that women don't have time to wait around to see if a guy comes good?

Unless you have a great degree and chalked up some really great work in that field while you were travelling, you're just too far behind for her to take a risk on.  

It hurts reading this but I agree with you completely. Just sucks to miss on someone so good only because of different life stages. Every person I've liked simply didn't like me back. This stings.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, uncanny said:

despite the fact I idealized her, even those close to me agreed her actions spoke highly of her. And they have no reason to simply agree with me for the sake of it. 

Again, you are missing the point.

The point is not whether her actions were admirable or not. The point is that you saw only a fraction of who she really is. That's like reading the first few pages of a book and deciding the book is the best you have ever read. You have no idea if the rest of the story would have unfolded the way you think. She might have been great, or she might have been a hot mess. You assume this was some wonderful, rare missed opporunity when you actually have way too little information to justify that assumption. 

All you can do is reflect on why this has affected you to this degree. That's the real issue, but if you're not willing to see that, you will continue to suffer. 

 

Edited March 12, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[uncanny]

I guess this all means objectively speaking that it's unlikely I'll find someone. Cause the women im attracted to tend to be witty, smart and accomplished. Also highly peculiar for lack of a better word. I don't care what someone does for a living as long as it's not something immoral, but I just accidentally like people that are or have become relatively successful. I mentioned a disability in this thread. It has been the main contributor to me being a late bloomer in every facet of life, especially work and social wise. I am in fact still a virgin, so take that for a big risk. I'm quite the underachiever, I'm aware of it. Let's just say my condition affects something like 0.3% of the population or less. And people who have it tend to underachieve in everything compared to the average person. I did tell her in a moment of openness the last time we talked that Id started treating it. Yeah, how did I pull this off? [ ] I don’t know. I've a way with words despite this not being my first language. A lot of confidence on my dates too which I'm proud of despite my disability to be honest. Traveling has been a way to cope with all this. With being severely hard of hearing and the countless ramifications derived from it. It's filled a huge void and I cannot imagine ever slowing down. But I'm open to any life experiences.

Anyway, it is what it is and as someone said, if I keep banging on this door I'll never move on properly. 

I've a lot of work to do.

Edited March 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I mentioned a disability in this thread. It has been the main contributor to me being a late bloomer in every facet of life, especially work and social wise

Are you currently employed?