I messed up big time after a first date and deeply regret it

[uncanny]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you currently employed?

Yes but on a casual non stable rate atm. Have had "stable" jobs in my time here but always hard menial labor around the country. Has been hard enough holding down a job due to my condition. Have honestly gone through a lot of s*** cause of it. I could get disability money if I was a citizen here. That's how bad it is. But I'd never do that nor did I ever stop working.

[Stret]

What disability do you have? Does she know about it? 

Look, I'll be honest. I wouldn't date you either at this stage in your life. She is mature and experienced enough to know that chemistry is deceiving, that connecting with someone over the sense of humour is less important than connecting over some other things, and that when someone jokes about not wanting marriage/kids it is not the topic to be joking about. You have put so much emphasis here on humour and fun, and she is looking for a guy who has a stable job, income that can provide a normal life, that has the same goals in life, and that doesn't think cracking jokes during your first conversation after "break up" is appropriate and high on the list of priorities. It is nice to have the same sense of humour but not so important as you showing her that you are serious and mature, especially in the moments that are calling for it. 

Bottom line: you cannot give her what she needs and wants. You said: "Was I a big risk? Totally and I get that. Was I up to the task and her level of maturity? Probably not. But sometimes people come across people that change them for the better." This alone speaks volumes. She doesn't need someone she needs to teach life to and improve like he's some project. She doesn't need to take over a mother role in maturing and changing someone for the better. It's a turn off. She needs an equal partner. 

So instead of making that selfish mistake most of people make by saying "I want her, she is everything I need and I think if I try hard enough, I can change and be good enough" try thinking "what is it that she wants and can I give it to her because that is who I am naturally and without having to pretend or amend?" and see where it takes you. You might never change. You might mature. But it is not going to happen in a year or two, but more like ten years or even more. Good luck. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, uncanny said:

Have had "stable" jobs in my time here but always hard menial labor around the country. Has been hard enough holding down a job due to my condition

Perhaps I am not understanding the extent of your disability, but how are you able to travel around or do hard menial labour but not hold steady employment of some kind? I ask only because this may have been a little confusing for her as well. 

[uncanny]

12 hours ago, Stret said:

What disability do you have? Does she know about it? 

Look, I'll be honest. I wouldn't date you either at this stage in your life. She is mature and experienced enough to know that chemistry is deceiving, that connecting with someone over the sense of humour is less important than connecting over some other things, and that when someone jokes about not wanting marriage/kids it is not the topic to be joking about. You have put so much emphasis here on humour and fun, and she is looking for a guy who has a stable job, income that can provide a normal life, that has the same goals in life, and that doesn't think cracking jokes during your first conversation after "break up" is appropriate and high on the list of priorities. It is nice to have the same sense of humour but not so important as you showing her that you are serious and mature, especially in the moments that are calling for it. 

Bottom line: you cannot give her what she needs and wants. You said: "Was I a big risk? Totally and I get that. Was I up to the task and her level of maturity? Probably not. But sometimes people come across people that change them for the better." This alone speaks volumes. She doesn't need someone she needs to teach life to and improve like he's some project. She doesn't need to take over a mother role in maturing and changing someone for the better. It's a turn off. She needs an equal partner. 

So instead of making that selfish mistake most of people make by saying "I want her, she is everything I need and I think if I try hard enough, I can change and be good enough" try thinking "what is it that she wants and can I give it to her because that is who I am naturally and without having to pretend or amend?" and see where it takes you. You might never change. You might mature. But it is not going to happen in a year or two, but more like ten years or even more. Good luck. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to ponder and write all this. I wish I could say otherwise but I agree with everything you said. I was being honest.

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps I am not understanding the extent of your disability, but how are you able to travel around or do hard menial labour but not hold steady employment of some kind? I ask only because this may have been a little confusing for her as well. 

That's ok, it can be hard to grasp. Good question. To sum it up I've worked my ass off in a country with high wages and have always been frugal and very conscious finance wise. Which is why I live much better than people who earn much more than me and many cannot understand how I manage to travel often. I don't need steady employment because as I said before I'm smart financially. I don't let myself go without a job either so I'm always doing something. 

[uncanny]

12 hours ago, Stret said:

What disability do you have? Does she know about it? 

Look, I'll be honest. I wouldn't date you either at this stage in your life. She is mature and experienced enough to know that chemistry is deceiving, that connecting with someone over the sense of humour is less important than connecting over some other things, and that when someone jokes about not wanting marriage/kids it is not the topic to be joking about. You have put so much emphasis here on humour and fun, and she is looking for a guy who has a stable job, income that can provide a normal life, that has the same goals in life, and that doesn't think cracking jokes during your first conversation after "break up" is appropriate and high on the list of priorities. It is nice to have the same sense of humour but not so important as you showing her that you are serious and mature, especially in the moments that are calling for it. 

Bottom line: you cannot give her what she needs and wants. You said: "Was I a big risk? Totally and I get that. Was I up to the task and her level of maturity? Probably not. But sometimes people come across people that change them for the better." This alone speaks volumes. She doesn't need someone she needs to teach life to and improve like he's some project. She doesn't need to take over a mother role in maturing and changing someone for the better. It's a turn off. She needs an equal partner. 

So instead of making that selfish mistake most of people make by saying "I want her, she is everything I need and I think if I try hard enough, I can change and be good enough" try thinking "what is it that she wants and can I give it to her because that is who I am naturally and without having to pretend or amend?" and see where it takes you. You might never change. You might mature. But it is not going to happen in a year or two, but more like ten years or even more. Good luck. 

 

Sorry for skipping your question. I let her know on the date when I had trouble comprehending some things in a noisy place. She was cool. And on our last phone conversation I revealed how my hearing has affected me work/career wise. I was hesitant saying it and she went how I didn't need to say it but I didn't want to keep things and told her. From then on I've always let everyone know my condition before a date. Funnily enough I use it to my advantage and explain how my hearing aids work and the condition itself!

[uncanny]

What's hard to come to terms with is I need to become the person someone like her deserves and be at their level. But I'll honestly never be because my condition does affect me big time and always has. Trying to play catch up now at my age is futile. And I'm not settling for someone Im not compatible with. Never have never will.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, uncanny said:

And I'm not settling for someone Im not compatible with. Never have never will.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you should. 

But you have to realize that not having stability in your life is going to be an obstacle to finding a partner. If you are capable of working, which you seem to be, is there no way you can find steadier employment? That would be a good step in the right direction. 

[basil67]

I can't help but wonder if her decision is less about your disability and more about your lifestyle.   Thing is, I didn't know you had a disability when I posted earlier and figured her decision was about you being nomadic.   I mean, you could have no disability at all, yet the lifestyle you lived would put off someone who's looking for stability.

You could well be a great match for a woman who wants the same lifestyle as you.  Not all women want to settle down and have babies.

[uncanny]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think anyone is suggesting you should. 

But you have to realize that not having stability in your life is going to be an obstacle to finding a partner. If you are capable of working, which you seem to be, is there no way you can find steadier employment? That would be a good step in the right direction. 

I'm capable of working despite what I have but let's just say its anything but easy, and the jobs I've had have all been in the vein of [work I don't like doing]. I'd like to have something stable. Trust me I would. But it's tough. Damn tough. The good thing is I live in a country where finding employment no matter how shitty it is is easy. In fact I just got back from Japan and found a job on the same day after arriving. 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can't help but wonder if her decision is less about your disability and more about your lifestyle.   Thing is, I didn't know you had a disability when I posted earlier and figured her decision was about you being nomadic.   I mean, you could have no disability at all, yet the lifestyle you lived would put off someone who's looking for stability.

You could well be a great match for a woman who wants the same lifestyle as you.  Not all women want to settle down and have babies.

She never knew the extend of my disability and I didn't disclose it to that point. Her decision was of course about the nomadic and unstable work wise lifestyle.

As I said before, I do want stability. The best case scenario for me would be a stable job but one where I'd be able to travel a couple of times a year (with a partner if it came to that) but have a fixed address. I wouldn't mind that. But any well paid job that requires social skills (almost all of them) is incredibly hard to hold onto for obvious reasons.

I've gone through so much s*** many people would rather just end up on the dole. But my point being I've always strived for more despite that.

English is not my first language, but people have asked me why I don't land something much better with my level.

Little do they know how hard that is when I have what I have.

Little did she know.

Edited March 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
langauge

[uncanny]

I want to add something I've come to realise after reading some of your replies which I appreciate a lot.

I feel one of the reasons I felt so bad lately is when I look at what happened and especially when I think of her, she reminds me of what I could have become but never did.

I don't know if I was at the same level as her intellect wise, but honestly speaking I don't think we were far off, and she noticed that. But as someone said, good chemistry and a shared sense of humour are not enough. 

[uncanny]

I wish I had got the chance to let her know all this. Even if she had turned me down regardless of it. I just wanted to have shared with her more.

Edited March 13, 2023 by uncanny

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, uncanny said:

As I said before, I do want stability. The best case scenario for me would be a stable job but one where I'd be able to travel a couple of times a year (with a partner if it came to that) but have a fixed address. I wouldn't mind that.

This isn't so easy if you and your partner have full time jobs and you've got a family.  

[uncanny]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This isn't so easy if you and your partner have full time jobs and you've got a family.  

I think you might be right. I've never lived it so I don't know. I feel I should have done all my traveling in my 20s (but was living in a shitty third world country all those years, barely any money) but it is what it is now. 

Funny thing is she seemed to also be into that lifestyle. She went to Europe last year like I did, and she's going again in June (she suggested meeting up somewhere along the way playfully as I'm also going there but in July)

[uncanny]

Funny how some people you just don't really get over

[basil67]

17 hours ago, uncanny said:

Funny how some people you just don't really get over

You're idealising someone you barely know.  

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, uncanny said:

Funny how some people you just don't really get over

Try not to have regrets. This would never have worked out. She wants to settle down and have a family and you prefer a nomadic lifestyle.

Sometimes just because there's some chemistry, it doesn't make you compatible. 

Just keep moving forward and look for lifestyle compatibility as well as chemistry.

[uncanny]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're idealising someone you barely know.  

Yes, I am. Maybe because it was the first and only time in my 32 years of life I really liked someone who liked me back

[uncanny]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to have regrets. This would never have worked out. She wants to settle down and have a family and you prefer a nomadic lifestyle.

Sometimes just because there's some chemistry, it doesn't make you compatible. 

Just keep moving forward and look for lifestyle compatibility as well as chemistry.

I agree. I don't regret anything. It just felt too good to have known what it feels like to have romantic chemistry with someone. Such a powerful yet dangerous feeling.

It wouldn't have worked out for other reasons, my nomadic lifestyle not being one of them. I would leave that behind me for someone who I felt that strongly about.

Edited September 27, 2023 by uncanny