Finding the right balance

[Lewis321]

I will try and explain my situation as simple as I can, would appreciate your guys thoughts please.

Due to previous circumstances one of our daughters lives with me and her younger sister lives with mum. Mum has been controlling, alienating child that lives with her from me and she has previously used different ways to try and get attention and or a reaction from me, she will send me pictures of her and our daughter together, attempt to get a reaction by telling me how close daughter and her partner are and she has previously continously phoned me and if I am unable to answer she will then bombard me with texts. 

Court and SS are involved, I decided that the best way for me to tackle her controlling behaviour is to purposefully wait to reply to her when she texts, I feel that is the only way I could get the message across that she won't get a reaction from me. 

Initially mum was supervising contact between both sisters with SS also there but recently court have said that she can supervise without SS being there, I have no problem with this, sisters have court ordered contact every 1st Saturday of the month. 

It was agreed that mum would pick up child that lives with me but before I replied confirming arrangements for collecting her mum text saying she will now not be picking her up as I am making contact unbelievably hard for her. She said she will be telling SS and court that I am being difficult, I am alienating child from her and she wants her contact to revert back to supervised with SS. 

We already had a SS meeting booked for next week so this is bound to crop up. How do you think SS and court would view this? 

I am just constantly trying to find a balance between doing what's best for the sisters and not allowing mum to control me anymore but I think I may have took it too far. 

 

[glows]

I guess that depends on what is deemed a reasonable period in between texts and replies by the court and SS. If you had delayed unreasonably (determined by them) then the mother’s claim is valid.

 

Edited January 11, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Court and SS are involved, I decided that the best way for me to tackle her controlling behaviour is to purposefully wait to reply to her when she texts, I feel that is the only way I could get the message across that she won't get a reaction from me. 

Are you delaying responding to all texts?  Or just the unnecessary ones?  

[Lewis321]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you delaying responding to all texts?  Or just the unnecessary ones?  

To be completely honest I delay replying most of the time. When arranging picking up daughter from my house I replied 1.5 hours later, with arranging collecting her I was actually working late so by the time I finished work it would have been inappropriate to reply then. Mum text first thing the next morning saying she will not be picking her up. 

[Lewis321]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

I guess that depends on what is deemed a reasonable period in between texts and replies by the court and SS. If you had delayed unreasonably (determined by them) then the mother’s claim is valid.

 

That's fair. 

Arranging for her to pick up our daughter I replied 1.5 hours later. 

Arranging for her to be collected it took me longer as I was working late, mum text first thing the following morning to say she wasn't picking her up now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

 decided that the best way for me to tackle her controlling behaviour is to purposefully wait to reply to her when she texts,  She said she will be telling SS and court that I am being difficult, 

Try to only engage in communication about the children. However be prompt , accurate and to the point. Try not to get wrapped up in ongoing rancor or a tug-of-war over the children.

[glows]

9 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

That's fair. 

Arranging for her to pick up our daughter I replied 1.5 hours later. 

Arranging for her to be collected it took me longer as I was working late, mum text first thing the following morning to say she wasn't picking her up now. 

 

They’re going to see through this pretty quickly. Stay calm and state the facts only. The courts in most jurisdictions usually don’t look too favourably on either parent looking to manipulate any situation.

They will be looking out for the best interests of the children so anything coming from them is about the safety of those children at any time regardless of what’s going on with the two parents. I’d think the courts would address making your arrangements earlier ahead of time also instead of less than 24 hours beforehand for ie, not too clear about that detail in your initial post. That’s not responsible parenting or considerate to either one of you to cut it so close.

The texts and any threats and undertones can be shared with the courts. Make all of this less about your issue with each other and more about the safety or concern regarding the kids only. They’ll be able to see through any insincerity or feigned/false pretenses.

[Lewis321]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

They’re going to see through this pretty quickly. Stay calm and state the facts only. The courts in most jurisdictions usually don’t look too favourably on either parent looking to manipulate any situation.

They will be looking out for the best interests of the children so anything coming from them is about the safety of those children at any time regardless of what’s going on with the two parents. I’d think the courts would address making your arrangements earlier ahead of time also instead of less than 24 hours beforehand for ie, not too clear about that detail in your initial post. That’s not responsible parenting or considerate to either one of you to cut it so close.

The texts and any threats and undertones can be shared with the courts. Make all of this less about your issue with each other and more about the safety or concern regarding the kids only. They’ll be able to see through any insincerity or feigned/false pretenses.

Ok thankyou, see through her you mean. 

Initially mum was texting child that lives with me directly to arrange the contact, child that lives with me was confused as to what was happening so asked mum to text me so it was already short notice by that point. 

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear that. The courts will look at that too if needed. Just be sincere and think of your children going forward. You can’t control your ex wife. Just focus on being a great dad.

[JTSW]

From now on, any texts regarding arrangements with the children answer straight away.

Any messages of taunting, ignore.

Keep everything though as documented evidence.

I'm sure the court would understand that you had worked late so was a little late in replying. 

You can prove you worked late cant you?

She is definitely trying anything she can to sabotage your relationship with your kids as much as she possibly can. 

[Lewis321]

11 hours ago, JTSW said:

From now on, any texts regarding arrangements with the children answer straight away.

Any messages of taunting, ignore.

Keep everything though as documented evidence.

I'm sure the court would understand that you had worked late so was a little late in replying. 

You can prove you worked late cant you?

She is definitely trying anything she can to sabotage your relationship with your kids as much as she possibly can. 

Had a meeting with SS on Monday, I explained about working late they seemed to understand, mum has said she is going to re apply to court, for what I don't know. 

Whatever mum has told our youngest has now made her nervous to even talk about me, she has done a good job of convincing SS that I am distressing her. SS have now said under no circumstances am I to approach our youngest. 

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

Had a meeting with SS on Monday, I explained about working late they seemed to understand, mum has said she is going to re apply to court, for what I don't know. 

Whatever mum has told our youngest has now made her nervous to even talk about me, she has done a good job of convincing SS that I am distressing her. SS have now said under no circumstances am I to approach our youngest. 

She wants both girls with her.

And how is she saying you are distressing her? By replying a little late?

Like I said before, document everything.

Keep all her messages.

Record any phone calls with her.

[Lewis321]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

She wants both girls with her.

And how is she saying you are distressing her? By replying a little late?

Like I said before, document everything.

Keep all her messages.

Record any phone calls with her.

I screenshot all texts. 

When the girls had a contact session mum brought eldest back home in her car. I approached her car to say hi to youngest, mum rushed to try and stop me so I couldn't see her. Mum told SS that youngest is angry and distressed at me because of this. 

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Mum told SS that youngest is angry and distressed at me because of this. 

Because you went to say hi to your daughter?

Keep a record of all this.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

 SS have now said under no circumstances am I to approach our youngest. 

Unfortunately you'll have to go by the SS recommendations. Please take care of the children and stop the war with the ex.  Continually building a case against their mother is doing more harm than good. Follow the guidelines set forth by the intervening agencies.

[Lewis321]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

Because you went to say hi to your daughter?

Keep a record of all this.

Yes, I am best I can. 

Mother has now Re applied to court asking them to re consider where eldest lives, she is pushing for her to live with her