Need to understand

[HurtHart]

Trying to get my head around something and could use some opinions to help me sort it in my head. It's a long story but;

I'm a man in my early 40's.

I was in a 5 year relationship, this was my first and only (so far) long term relationship since my marriage ended. We met not long after my marriage ended - it was one of those chance meetings on the school run. We got to chatting, and it wasn't anymore than that for a long time as I was really hurt over the end of my marriage (my ex wife left me for a man she had an affair with). After around a year of knowing each other we started dating and quickly fell into a relationship.

We never lived together, I had suggested it at one point, but she felt we were better as we were, at least until our kids from previous relationships were a little older. I was ok with this as honestly, she was terrible with money, frequently failing to pay bills or her rent and at one point was evicted from her home because of it (this was when I invited her and her son to live with me). 

Anyway, the relationship was, at times, a challenge. She was convinced I was still in love with my ex wife throughout our relationship simply because we managed to co-parent our child effectively and weren't at each others throats all the time like she was with her ex-husband who was the father of her child. We had little in common and shared few interests. Had different priorities and values. But - we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together with the kids as well. She would always say I was the only man who'd ever treated her well, supported her and didn't treat her like a piece of meat.

Anyway, one night we were chatting late at night after a few drinks and she decided she wanted complete honesty and confessed to me that for the past few months she'd been making extra money by doing phone sex. I felt a little perturbed by this, but was ultimately ok with it - and this led me to confess that I'd dabbled in crossdressing in the past and had been curious about experimenting with other men on occasion but had never gone through with it, but assured her I would always be faithful to her.

She LOVED this. And decided to indulge my crossdressing, buying me outfits, doing my make up and helping me with hair and thanks to her I was able to convincingly pass as female and we went out a few times as women. I couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, along came the pandemic, and the lockdowns here. To begin with, she was taking it all very seriously and taking every precaution, while I did the same. We didn't see each other for a few months as we were both being diligent but talking on the phone daily. Eventually we were allowed to 'support bubble' with one other household where there was only one adult so we were each others and this meant that we could spend a little time together at each others homes.

Then, I got taken ill  (not covid). I was hospitalised and came close to dying. I had to sheild, as my immune system had basically been turned off with medication and this meant I couldn't take any risks at all with covid. 

This tied in with her getting bored of lockdowns and deciding to ignore the advice and started having parties and friends over etc.

She'd invite me, knowing my situation, and telling me to 'just wear a mask' despite the fact I was struggling to breathe and could barely get ut of bed for more than a few hours each day, and getting angry and impatient with me if I didn't take her out places etc.

I didn't know this - but she'd started to tell her friends that she thought I was cheating on her, with men, (she'd told all her friends about what I'd confessed) 

As I recovered, and had the vaccines (which she refused to get) we started to see each other a little more but I was still getting tired easily and this had an impact on our sex life - which again led to her convincing herself I was cheating on her.

IT all came to a head one night when after some wine, I was too tired for sex and she got angry at me, and confessed that she'd been feeling neglected for a while and had fallen in love with a married co-worker (who didn't even know about it), had slept with another man while I was recovering, and that she didn't want to be with 'a bummer' (her words) she no longer had feelings for me, and had felt this way for a while.

We broke up on the spot. I was crushed, as I hadn't seen any of this coming, from my point of view, aside from the impatience about my covid precautions, she'd seemed supportive and understanding to me. I spent along time trying to reconcile.

Over the next few months, she vilified me as if I'd done something terrible to her, talking *** about me to anyone who'd listen but eventually, we'd managed to get back a tentative friendship.

that all ended about 4 months ago though (we'd been broken up 18 months at this point). Having been single for some time, and coming to the realisation that she was not right for me, I had decided to explore those urges I'd had before, and finally accepted that I'm bisexual, and slept with a man. 

the mistake I'd made was forgetting that her gay best friend will do anything for drama, had seen me on a gay hookup app and showed her my profile.

She kicked right off at me, and harrassed me for weeks about how i'd lied to her, betrayed her, 'duped' her, and sending me vitriolic messages and voicemails.

She deleted me on social media and we've not spoken since. 

I spoke to a mutual acquaintance yesterday, and now, almost 2 years since we broke up she's still furious with me, bad mouths me at every opportunity, tells lies about me, and takes any opportunity she can to tell people what a scumbag I am, and how she's glad she cheated on me. 

She's suffering with depression, doing drugs, failing to pay her bills, getting into trouble at work and blaming all of this on me. 

She's told her son everything, from her point of view, and he now hates me (we'd managed to stay in touch as I was the closest thing to an involved dad he had).

So far, she's not said anything to my family or friends (i'm not out yet about my sexuality, purely because I need to be sure my ex wife won't make things difficult for me regarding child access, and my ex-gfs reaction has honestly scared me)

Now, I don't think i've done anything wrong, but her reaction has obviously come from somewhere. No smoke without fire so to speak.

From MY point of view, I fell in love, opened up, fell ill, and got cheated on. SHE slept with someone else. SHE fell for someone else. SHE couldn't support me when I needed her the most, despite the fact that for 5 years I'd dropped everything and come running to bail her out of crisis after crisis of her own making (like her eviction, when I spent my savings paying her debts to make sure she could get a home).

Yet, I'm being vilified by someone who left ME, for someone else, for finally exploring my sexuality - she's acting as thought I'd slept with this guy while we were together and was the reason for our break up when it was a full year after we split before I did anything.

 

Why would she be so angry, about something that had no bearing on our relationship, and occurred so long after we split up and she insisted she had no feelings for me anymore??

Or am I in the wrong? Is she right to be angry?

[FMW]

If your story is exactly as you shared without anything left out or misrepresented, then she doesn't sound like an emotionally stable person.  She didn't show love and concern for you over your illness, and sharing your secrets with others and talking badly about you were definitely not something someone who loves you (as a friend or as more) would do.  

 

[JTSW]

You absolutely did nothing wrong OP.

Your conscience is clear.

She is a horrible disgusting person and I don't know how she can live with herself the way she treats people.

She has no right to be angry at you for sleeping with someone when you're not even together.

Block her number/social media's etc anywhere she can potentially contact you.

Karma will get her, and by the sounds of it, it has already started.

She is already falling.

Leave her to it and if anyone questions you just tell them her actions are nothing to do with you since you haven't been together for years.

She isn't your problem anymore so let her dig her own grave.

[glows]

To be fair, the moment you saw she had issues paying her bills and the vitriolic coparenting she has with her ex, dating should have halted immediately. Not only did you ignore those red flags you went deeper and asked her to move in with you. Didn’t it ever cross your mind that whatever she does to her ex can also be done to you?

We don’t know what mental health issues she has. Her reactions sound like they’re coming from an insecure place. I feel like some parts are missing here or you might be able to clarify.

In addition to her financial and personal issues, after the break up, you continued in contact with her son. Was she against this? Did she tell you to stop communicating with him? Why did you not stop considering how incredibly awkward of a situation it would make if his mother dislikes you to this degree? How would it not blow up in your face and why did you believe it was ok to stay in contact with him? I’m puzzled why you chose this although you do mention you felt you were the closest thing to an involved father. If his mother doesn’t like you it’s fairly safe to assume she wouldn’t want you contacting her son or to avoid contact or involving any of the children.

You may be learning staying in contact like this isn’t a good idea. This is over so let it go. You don’t need the opinions of her or her son.

Stay focused on your own kids and be there for them. Seeing their dad upset for long periods after this break up would be equally upsetting and disturbing. Give yourself a chance to move on and find someone else who accepts you, who is financially responsible and avoid people with this many problems.

[HurtHart]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

To be fair, the moment you saw she had issues paying her bills and the vitriolic coparenting she has with her ex, dating should have halted immediately. Not only did you ignore those red flags you went deeper and asked her to move in with you. Didn’t it ever cross your mind that whatever she does to her ex can also be done to you?

We don’t know what mental health issues she has. Her reactions sound like they’re coming from an insecure place. I feel like some parts are missing here or you might be able to clarify.

In addition to her financial and personal issues, after the break up, you continued in contact with her son. Was she against this? Did she tell you to stop communicating with him? Why did you not stop considering how incredibly awkward of a situation it would make if his mother dislikes you to this degree? How would it not blow up in your face and why did you believe it was ok to stay in contact with him? I’m puzzled why you chose this although you do mention you felt you were the closest thing to an involved father. If his mother doesn’t like you it’s fairly safe to assume she wouldn’t want you contacting her son or to avoid contact or involving any of the children.

You may be learning staying in contact like this isn’t a good idea. This is over so let it go. You don’t need the opinions of her or her son.

Stay focused on your own kids and be there for them. Seeing their dad upset for long periods after this break up would be equally upsetting and disturbing. Give yourself a chance to move on and find someone else who accepts you, who is financially responsible and avoid people with this many problems.

Honestly, I was infatuated with her for one thing and tended to be a bit blind to the red flags. 

Re her ex husband, I had met him on a few occasions as he used to work at the same place as me and I could easily believe he had been the problem. I guess we tend to believe the person we love over the one we have no connection to.

 

As for her son, he had asked when we split if we could stay in touch and she was keen - got to realise for almost  half his life I'd been the only male role model he'd had. 

As for her mental health, I don't think anythings been diagnosed but a friend of hers did once suggest she might be bipolar but she never took it seriously. 

I know she has had addiction problems connected to depression in the past too.

I'm one of those people who sees the good in people. And I never saw her truly toxic traits until after we split and alot of the issues i did see like her managing of finances could easily be glossed over as being down to outside issues. Such as her landlord wanting to sell the house, which was what she'd had everyone believe. I only found out later that she'd simply not been paying her rent. 

[FMW]

Continue seeing the good in people, but at the same time be aware and recognize problematic behavior. You may choose to move forward with them, but you shouldn't be blind-sided if you've been paying attention.  

[glows]

2 hours ago, HurtHart said:

Honestly, I was infatuated with her for one thing and tended to be a bit blind to the red flags. 

Re her ex husband, I had met him on a few occasions as he used to work at the same place as me and I could easily believe he had been the problem. I guess we tend to believe the person we love over the one we have no connection to.

 

As for her son, he had asked when we split if we could stay in touch and she was keen - got to realise for almost  half his life I'd been the only male role model he'd had. 

As for her mental health, I don't think anythings been diagnosed but a friend of hers did once suggest she might be bipolar but she never took it seriously. 

I know she has had addiction problems connected to depression in the past too.

I'm one of those people who sees the good in people. And I never saw her truly toxic traits until after we split and alot of the issues i did see like her managing of finances could easily be glossed over as being down to outside issues. Such as her landlord wanting to sell the house, which was what she'd had everyone believe. I only found out later that she'd simply not been paying her rent. 

Okay, older/wiser. Don’t dwell on mistakes, just learn from them. Immediately change your criteria for dates and partners. The only person you can change and control is yourself so start there. 

She was a walking, blazing red flag. The saying the apple does not fall far from the tree will ring true here especially if the son is young and impressionable. Never involve children when you can’t get along with the parent. He’s not your son. He has a father regardless of what outsiders believe their relationship to be the case. I don’t think staying in contact with the son will help any dad issues he has. He needs therapy and support eventually if he cannot reconcile with his dad and has mental/emotional problems down the line. 

Take care if yourself and your kids. Most of all end the hold she has over you and block her number and her son’s. It has dragged on too long.