casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 Hello, I'm new here....I've been in a relationship for 7yrs now I am 55yrs old my girlfriend is 59, I have been living by myself for the last 2yrs now because she has been across the state taking care of her mom who is in hospice now, we are 300 miles apart and the last time I did see her was September of 2021 for 4 days, we talk on the phone s couple times a week and text, Lately I have started to feel lonely for the first time and a woman in my small town has got my attention, I see myself growing fonder of this woman yet I have not approached her at this time, see my feelings for my long distance girlfriend are fading fast and I feel kinda terrible having these feelings for another woman while my girlfriend is 300 miles away with her dying mother, I am torn and do not know what to do? I definitely do not want to breakup with her while she's going through hell watching her mom slowly die. But yet again I cannot stop thinking about this other woman in our small town, I mean it could be over like that if I asked this gal if she like to go out or exchange numbers? Then that's it....I do have butterflies in my belly like I was 16 again! I am a nice guy who does not want to HURT my girlfriend, there's a lot more to this relationship that are toxic and negative that I cannot put down on here. Any advice would be appreciated. Casey67 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 Since you’re not able to say what it is that’s toxic or negative about your relationship with your girlfriend, decide whether you see a future with her. Keep it simple and it’s a yes or no answer. Your mind and heart are checked out. Don’t make the mistake of thinking being “nice” is keeping status quo. Staying is deceiving your girlfriend and not giving her the opportunity to end the relationship and get away from a partner willing to be with another woman. I’d take a moment a reflect on what it is exactly you want long term. If you’re looking for an escape from a painful and depressing life, jumping into another relationship quickly won’t help your personal situation. It will be only a distraction for many other things that may need improvement. As long as you’re sure you want to be with the other woman, end it with your gf first and do it with your mind crystal clear. Be willing to walk away from this other person also if she’s not compatible with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 1 hour ago, casey67 said: my feelings for my long distance girlfriend are fading fast Sorry this is happening. You haven't seen each other in over a year. And it's not an impossible distance. Unfortunately it seems like the relationship was over when she moved. Even if you still communicate a lot, you're not really together anymore. Have the courage to free yourself and free your GF. Try not to view this as a temporary visit. She moved away to live near her mother, so dragging things out doesn't serve either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Author Share Posted January 15, 2023 (edited) After her mom passes she plans on coming back here, but she wants to bring her brother and nephew!!! I said absolutely not! What are you thinking? She said family comes first, I agree but not like this, I do love my privacy and if this did happen crap would hit the fan! Yes been since September 2021 that we were together.... Edited January 15, 2023 by casey67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 12 minutes ago, casey67 said: I said absolutely not! What are you thinking? She said family comes first. It's not working out. You'll feel better when you admit that to yourself. It was de facto over when she moved. There's no reason to not visit for over a year. Right now you have a phone friendship. You're not doing either of you any good hanging on to this. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 48 minutes ago, casey67 said: She said family comes first, I agree but not like this What do you see being the alternative? Link to post Share on other sites
Author casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Author Share Posted January 15, 2023 Telling her to stay over there, she has housing and everything is there for her, If I were to breakup over the phone she would freak out bad, and possibly a drive over here, I'm truly not happy and I think she hangs on to me because she is scared of being alone, On my side I can't get this gal in my town out of my head, see I live in a very small town around 1100 people, my neighbors know who the gal is and told me she's a introvert and never married as she is 44yrs old, without me talking to her about possibly going out I know she's a artist, (oil paintings etc.) As so am I a abstract modern artist, I mean she lives just 1 minute from me that's how small my community is, but yes you asked about a alternative that's probably severing this fragmented relationship and live the rest of my years hopefully with someone I can truly devote to and love. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 (edited) Sorry, I wasn’t clear. Your girlfriend said that bringing her fam over means family comes first. You basically said when hell freezes over. I’m asking what’s the alternative to her bringing her family over. Do you both own the home you’re living in currently? Why can’t they support themselves in a house or apartment of their own in this small town and your gf and you resume life? And then of course you’ve already answered my question - you’ve made up your mind being with someone else. Yes, break it off if you’ve got urges for someone else. It’s not fair to either of you to hang onto your relationship if you’re already this checked out. Be sure you figure out the living situation as I’m assuming a lot of her things are there and we don’t know who owns the home. Edited January 15, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 1 hour ago, casey67 said: , If I were to breakup over the phone she would freak out bad, Fear of erratic behavior is not a good reason to stall breaking up. You're going on a lot about this crush, so all you have to do is have the courage to set yourselves free Link to post Share on other sites
Author casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Author Share Posted January 15, 2023 House is a rental, both on contract I pay the rent, she has helped on bills, as far as her brother and nephew the brother gets SSI and nephew is 20 and works part time over there, yes they could stay where there at, the mobile home is paid off, coming here there would be nothing far as work for the kid, I have a 3bd home but I just cringe thinking of 2 other people living here. They pretty much depend on my GF for meal making and other pertinent things, actually simple things that regular people do, like I said right now I cannot talk to her about breaking up when she's going through this emotional challenge of her mom in hospice, she could not handle this believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 9 hours ago, casey67 said: the last time I did see her was September of 2021 Is that a typo? Or you really haven't seen your own girlfriend for more than a year, even though she's only 300 miles away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 3 hours ago, casey67 said: I cannot talk to her about breaking up when she's going through this emotional challenge Take her off the lease since she doesn't live there and hasn't lived there in Two years. Something seems amiss that you've basically broken up 2 years ago when she moved away with one 4 day visit over a year ago, yet you consider yourselves in a relationship. A relationship you don't even want to be in. You can be a supportive friend and listener but it's unclear why you feel like a hostage in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 5 hours ago, casey67 said: House is a rental, both on contract I pay the rent, she has helped on bills, as far as her brother and nephew the brother gets SSI and nephew is 20 and works part time over there, yes they could stay where there at, the mobile home is paid off, coming here there would be nothing far as work for the kid, I have a 3bd home but I just cringe thinking of 2 other people living here. They pretty much depend on my GF for meal making and other pertinent things, actually simple things that regular people do, like I said right now I cannot talk to her about breaking up when she's going through this emotional challenge of her mom in hospice, she could not handle this believe me. Thanks for clarifying. It’s better you break up and not drag this out. Things are not going to get easier when her mum finally passes on. The grief will be greater and the loss all too real. I personally would rather a disloyal and uninterested partner get well out of my way and gone never to be seen again rather than assume he knows a single thing about what I can’t handle. It’s presumptuous and condescending thinking she can’t handle a break up. Having an affair on the side is no better, if not a thousand times worse. Did you always not get along with her family or is it just the topic of them moving in that has caused all this friction? This is a second reason for breaking up as you disagree on her family moving in. I’m curious how you did not suspect this happening long before her mother took ill. Did it not come up in the past? Let her know you’ve grown apart and end it. Take her off the lease and move on. Don’t keep building up scenarios or reasons about why you shouldn’t do so or at least sever ties and not have any contact. Please don’t assume you’re friends either if you haven’t told her there’s no future for the both of you and this isn’t working out. There are services such as grief counselling and professionals who can guide her during her grief. You are not her counsellor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Author Share Posted January 15, 2023 Yes been since September 2021 and the reason I haven't traveled across state to see her because there is no place to stay at the crowded house there. I have things here that require me to stay, elderly dog, my trucks not the best for long distance travel right now, and I have severe back issues, I'm not making excuses it's just the facts also she wants to bring 2 small dogs to this home as well, my elderly daschund will not take that to well, anyway life is crazy and I know if I stay in this relationship depression will engulf me, her stating that family members are coming to stay with a menagerie of dogs is a total breaker! Imagine you living by yourself for 36 months and having peace of mind and being able to have your creative ideas flow (artistic ideas) not having a line to the only bathroom in the house that I just remolded....I can't do it..... Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 You NEED to say goodbye. You're not a young man. Neither am I - I know where you're coming from to an extent. If you go forward with this you are going to put a monkey wrench into the rest of your life and you will be unhappy every day. I understand that having the idea of a girlfriend for the past 2 years, without actually functioning in a relationship with her, has served you. But now that you're talking about how it will look to bring it into "real life" mode, you can see what that will look like. It will be awful for you. I'm sorry. But do it.. And don't wait until her parent dies. She is already living with family members and has their support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author casey67 Posted January 15, 2023 Author Share Posted January 15, 2023 Yorko that sounds like great advice, my weakness and fault is I can't bear to do this to her while this major life event is occurring, I thank all of you for your feedback I really do, I'm sure I will do the right thing soon.... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 35 minutes ago, casey67 said: Yes been since September 2021 If you two haven't even managed to visit each other once in almost 1.5 years, then it's obvious the relationship is already over. If one of you wanted to bad enough, you would find a way to make a 300-mile trip work for a few days. It should not have been impossible, given that people cross oceans to see their partners. And you two couldn't manage 300 miles one time? I don't buy that. I think that perhaps one (or both) of you didn't really want to make the effort...and so you just didn't. It sounds like you both need to be honest with each other that this died a while ago and the connection is gone. Nobody would be able to sustain a relationship with someone they haven't even seen in that long. You have a long-distance friend, not a girlfriend. For all practical purposes, you two are barely a couple anymore. I would do the right thing and formally end what's been limping along to an inevitable demise for far too much time. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 31 minutes ago, casey67 said: Yorko that sounds like great advice, my weakness and fault is I can't bear to do this to her while this major life event is occurring, I thank all of you for your feedback I really do, I'm sure I will do the right thing soon.... That is an issue with yourself not with her. The problem is tricking yourself into thinking you’re a “nice” guy by not saying anything or going with the flow and fantasizing or thinking about another woman. It may be difficult but the alternative - cheating - is much worse. I think both of you have tried to make the long distance work but the point is it hasn’t. Do you mind me asking if there were any other issues prior to her moving away? I don’t find it out of the question that you haven’t seen her in awhile if your finances are limited or you have health issues. This only snowballed into something that couldn’t eventually sustain itself and you aren’t committed to her. The relationship fizzled out and you don’t appear to feel the same way or interested in anything to do with her. I should hope you’re not continuing to argue with one another in your weekly chats regarding her family. Make up your mind and let it go. I want to reiterate again that you’re not her counsellor or responsible for her mental health. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 20 hours ago, casey67 said: I definitely do not want to breakup with her while she's going through hell watching her mom slowly die. Her mother's not dying slowly, she's taking forever. Your partner is only 300 miles away, she should have made an effort to come home at least once every three months for a couple of weeks, it's a 5 - 6 hour drive not a 10 day trek, and her brother and nephew could look after their mother/aunt. Her brother and nephew are not your responsibility. There are problems in the relationship that you can't talk about. You are heavily attracted to another woman. What part of all this doesn't say just end it now and pursue the woman you might find happiness with? Don't feel guilty or responsible, just reach for happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 On 1/15/2023 at 4:14 AM, casey67 said: She said family comes first, Then tell her to stay where she is and call it a day with your relationship. You have both clearly checked out and over 2 years is a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
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