What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope you are all keeping well. I used to visit this forum a lot when I was dating. I have been in a relationship for over two years, which ended today... in very bad circumstances. 

My ex-gf was living with me for the past two years. During covid we decided to live together and commit in our long term relationship. The problem (in her mind) was that there was an imbalance of power (it was my flat, my car, my dog and she worked for me in my business). She worried deep down what would happen to her if we broke up as she wouldn't have any security. Although I could sympathise with such a thought, I didn't think about it too much. In May this year I purchased my first house and obviously as we are just in a relationship and not married, I didn't put her on the mortgage (who would??) I think this also deep down upset her.

Lately, my business has been going bad, I have been having fraudulent customer complaints and business has been a bit more quite than usual. I have also been very unwell with unknown stomach issues. On a daily basis I would tell her I am feeling stressed/not myself and saying I don't feel supported. I said this in the hope that she would give me some genuine comfort as I have felt deep down that as although she works for me, it isn't her business so she doesn't care as much as I do. She doesn't pay for any mortgage fees, food or anything, which I don't mind, but I just wanted some support. 

Yesterday she absolutely flipped out screaming, pushing me and chucking clothes at me when I told her I didn't feel supported once again. We got into a very heated argument. All of a sudden she changed the subject and said lets play playstation and things were great again. 

This morning I didn't feel right as I felt something this big can't just be brushed under the carpet. She accused me of not dropping it and not being civil. Later proceeded to say she hates me and pack her bags and apply for new jobs. We were discussing camly and then she got a call (which she didn't answer). I said who is that? she lied and said its a job contacting her. I said no job will contact on a Sunday after ten minutes. After demanding to see her phone she admitted she had called her ex-boyfriend (who has caused serious issues between me and her, she had to change her number). I then lost it and demand she leave today. She had to leave with what she could and now I need to think how to send the rest of her stuff as I don't EVER want to see her again.

How do I communicate with her without having to have much contact with her? I am very very hurt over this. We had a serious argument 5 months ago about her messaging/receiving messages from ex's. She denied any contact on her end and changed her number. I now feel she has been lying to me possibly the whole relationship. This is someone I did everything for over the past two years and it is just too bitter a pill to swallow. I don't know how to move on in the future and trust someone. I gave her all my passwords, access to my bank accounts and everything. I was an open book and I always felt she was dodgy/secretive. I don't want the police involved but I don't want her on my property to collect any belongings.

[Calmandfocused]

This was never going to work. There is no equality or balance in the relationship. 

Furthermore there were lies/ mistrust and disrespect to the relationship. 

The icing on the cake is that her worst fears/ insecurities have now come true.

No doubt you feel awful right now but sounds like a blessing in disguise. 

Thank goodness you didn’t get a mortgage together. Change your PIN numbers to your bank accounts. Do it now. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

  I don't want the police involved but I don't want her on my property to collect any belongings.

Unfortunately you'll have to accommodate her collecting her belongings. You can have a peace officer present but you can not take possession of her belongings by keeping them hostage.

It will be over soon so arrange a mutually convenient time and a peace officer for her to collect her things asap. Talk to an attorney if you have questions about withholding her belongings on your property. 

[glows]

Change your passwords and sever any ties. Take her name off any bills or accounts. Living together was more out of convenience than any commitment.

If she’s still an employee ensure you’re following your labour laws and you’ve correctly paid her her wages to date or any money owed as your employee. Consult a lawyer if you need further clarification. The situation sounds hairy from an employment perspective. 

Regarding her things, ask her for her current address and inform her you’ll be dropping it off at a date and time. I would not wait for her to pick it up as you’re letting her potentially drag this out. If you’re not comfortable doing that, put it in boxes and ship all of it out and send her the tracking #s. Be clear you’re not responsible for the carrier or shipping. Make a clean cut and move on with your life and heal.

Please look into your stomach/health issues with your doctor or seek a second opinion. It may be anything from stress-related to something more severe. Focus on your business and ask for help if needed. 

[Versacehottie]

Oh so sorry to hear this...I remember when you were posting here--I guess before you met her. Ok, I agree with the others...good thing you didn't put her on the mortgage. To me, I think the balance of power was probably less an issue (didn't seem like you were making it one)....maybe it was one for her because she didn't feel any financial-career security...but then one has to wonder if she is concerned about that why take the decision to work for your boyfriend when you will be totally dependent on the relationship surviving...and yet she did.  Some people want it both ways: they want the easy way out with a job that comes easily to them and where I'd guess she has advantages she wouldn't have in a normal workplace and yet they are bothered by the risk they chose to take in doing so.  It seems sort of like a bit of a character flaw IMO--based on the way you described it. And then you have detailed the contact with the ex-bf and lying about it, which is sort of the same to me...a character flaw, an opportunist who will lie and do what they want at the expense of the relationship.

It might not feel like it now but I think you've ended up in the best possible situation by breaking up. That was way too volatile the last couple of days and I can only guess it matches other arguments you've had with her. Feels like ALL trust is broken between you two. 

I would use a mutual friend or even just a friend of yours to return her items. I'd do it quickly and get it out of the way without creating extra drama surrounding it.

ps you didn't say anything that seemed to indicate this to me, but something else to consider is if you had the financial power over her, did you wield it against her in any way? That would generate a really bad dynamic and one where you each use that against each other and to your advantage...more like parent-child rather than two equals. I would just say in the future don't hire girlfriends or spouses for your business. 

Good luck and hang in there!

Edited January 15, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I agree with glows to concentrate on your health issues and the strength of your business right now. It will be a good distraction. Take a clear path and step to committing to those priorities will probably help to not think about her and the drama surrounding your relationship as much...And after all, it will be the most important thing in the long run. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don't know how to move on in the future and trust someone. I gave her all my passwords, access to my bank accounts and everything.

The big lesson here is to have better boundaries in the future. You are not married, she is not an equal partner financially, you have no protections in place (ie cohabitation agreement) - she should never have your passwords and access to your bank accounts. You need to deal with this - yesterday. Change every password, talk to the bank, etc…

What’s more, your girlfriend should never be your employee.

I would say, be present in the home with a third party when she comes to collect her things and then go no contact - but she works for you. That’s going to make things more difficult - be professional and never be alone with her (protect yourself from any false allegations). Hopefully, she will decide to make a different decision for herself. 

Otherwise, as others have said I would encourage you to focus on your health. Best wishes.

Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lamron300]

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Yeah, I agree with glows to concentrate on your health issues and the strength of your business right now. It will be a good distraction. Take a clear path and step to committing to those priorities will probably help to not think about her and the drama surrounding your relationship as much...And after all, it will be the most important thing in the long run. 

Thank you for your response, I remember you helping me in the past (even when it was tough love). I am writing this in tears right now as I am so distressed about this situation. It took me a very long time to get into a relationship and trust someone and I forgave her on numerous occasions and took her word on things. The reason she changed her number after our argument 6 months ago was due to an 'ex texting', yet the fact he was the first person she called in this situation indicates she was lying. She told me they hadn't spoke in years. Also when I challenged her today she lied about who called.

I gave this woman everything in our relationship and I tried not to express my feelings not to hurt her. I want kids in the future, she has said she hates kids. She loves my dog though, which is fine but its not like we got the dog together. Everything I bought for myself I at least offered to buy for her. I'm 29, she's 34... I just wanted clarity over the future as I am under so much stress and then she does this to me.

I don't want pity, I just don't know how to move forward in a positive way. It has put me off ever living with someone or getting involved financially. I don't even want to introduce anyone to my dog. I just feel so let down. 

[Lamron300]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Change your passwords and sever any ties. Take her name off any bills or accounts. Living together was more out of convenience than any commitment.

If she’s still an employee ensure you’re following your labour laws and you’ve correctly paid her her wages to date or any money owed as your employee. Consult a lawyer if you need further clarification. The situation sounds hairy from an employment perspective. 

You have all been so kind to me, I really appreciate it. Just feel lost and rock bottom. I went against my best judgement and decided living/working together was a good idea. What upsets me is that the working/living together could have worked out in an alternate world. I believe her personality flaws of not embracing the present and my personality flaw of not communicating well enough or having boundaries has ended in this disaster. 

Her last words to me were 'I hope you are proud of yourself for kicking me out on the street'. I don't know what else I can possibly have done? Even in the last few seconds of our interaction (forever) she tried to blame and manipulate me. If you felt someone was cheating on you and not giving you what you wanted in a relationship, asking them to leave your home is wrong? I thought we would work it out but we have been here so many times. I am 29, not old, but not very young. I just really wanted to settle down and focus on my career and health. This is just a huge setback. When she met me I had very little money, I quit my job and risked setting up my own business which was very successful. Both her and my life improved as a result of that, but she never seemed to really embrace it and seemed almost jealous, just because it was my business. If I ever date again I don't know how not to offend people by telling them we need to keep work/living situation separate. 

[Versacehottie]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you for your response, I remember you helping me in the past (even when it was tough love). I am writing this in tears right now as I am so distressed about this situation. It took me a very long time to get into a relationship and trust someone and I forgave her on numerous occasions and took her word on things. The reason she changed her number after our argument 6 months ago was due to an 'ex texting', yet the fact he was the first person she called in this situation indicates she was lying. She told me they hadn't spoke in years. Also when I challenged her today she lied about who called.

I gave this woman everything in our relationship and I tried not to express my feelings not to hurt her. I want kids in the future, she has said she hates kids. She loves my dog though, which is fine but its not like we got the dog together. Everything I bought for myself I at least offered to buy for her. I'm 29, she's 34... I just wanted clarity over the future as I am under so much stress and then she does this to me.

I don't want pity, I just don't know how to move forward in a positive way. It has put me off ever living with someone or getting involved financially. I don't even want to introduce anyone to my dog. I just feel so let down. 

Thank you   to the bolded, that's because this is day one!  And right now you are saying that you cannot imagine things in the future from a very emotional place. I think you just need to move forward in a day-by-day, hour-by-hour way. Get stuff done that needs to get done. Use a to do list. Action and forward motion should help you a little bit at least to not concentrate on the emotional turmoil that probably won't feel better right away (or the perceived betrayal). 

One thing you can think of is the opposite POV.  Right now you are saying "it took you so long to find someone, you trusted her etc etc".....as if she is the ONLY person with which you can have these feelings. It's both overvaluing her importance in your life as the "ONLY" and projecting that way into the FUTURE as if it will impact all future choices, paths, opportunities you have. Not true. She's not the "ONLY"...in fact, as an outsider, I would say, this is evidence that you got into one relationship and you can do it again, especially if you manage and take the right lessons/deductions from this experience. I would also take the fact that you got into one relationship as something to project into the future that you can do it again rather than "you cannot". 

I think based on the stuff your different stances on kids means she wasn't the right one for you...although it can be hard to see that TODAY.  Perhaps in a few weeks or months you will be able to see that it's a huge incompatibility. 

With your worry that you "gave her everything", I would say that it's evidence that with the right person you can do that again....albeit perhaps you have to do it on much more equal footing and less blindly and with more caution. 

Usually when people have stomach issues, it can be the body trying to tell us something that we are not open to consciously admitting to ourselves....perhaps this is your body's way of alerting you that were with the wrong person/dealing with some dishonesty from her. And most importantly that you were not being true to yourself. A lot of time the stomach also gives you issues when you are "stuffing down your real feelings" which you just indicated that you were above...I wouldn't recommend doing that for anyone in the future. A healthy relationship involves being able to speak up. Also you can't just "do everything and give everything" and expect it all to work out. That's often not how it works. In fact, I would say that makes you ripe for being taken advantage of. It also (like in your case) sets up a transactional dynamic--which seems like that was part of what was going on. Feels like that could be one reason the ex-bf bothered you so much. Could it be that you semi-consciously felt that she was using you for what you could provide but that her real love was for him? And you kept trying to provide more and more (and it obviously wasn't "enough") which is part of your distrust and feeling of betrayal? I think in your next relationship try to make it less about what you can do for or provide for someone and more about her liking you for you...which means you need to be yourself and the relationship can't have financial ties as much.  Try not to become bitter or overzealous about this (nothing worse IMO); it's a fine line..and when you are ready to date again, I'm sure people here can help you through managing it.

So right now you are managing your heartbreak and putting your life back together. I'd say keep busy, make lots of plans (even if it is to watch a particular movie), change up your ROUTINE and try novel things/places. Get her stuff back to her, deal with your health stuff (like make an appt for this week to see a doctor) and yes immediately deal with the HR portion of if she is allowed to work for you or how to unravel that.   Hang in there.

*Edited to add: I think you need to be careful of your own wording and thought patterns where you make yourself a victim in any way...(i've seen it already in this thread--let me know if you need to point out!)...you need to reformulate your thoughts that this is your choice and the path you are choosing even if it is uncomfortable right now. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Versacehottie

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

If I ever date again I don't know how not to offend people by telling them we need to keep work/living situation separate. 

To be honest, I don’t know that you need to ever say this because I don’t know that many women would have this expectation. I would never want to work for/with my partner. None of my friends work with their spouse. My father owned his own business - my mother never worked for him. 

Next time, you need to pick someone who has her own path - someone who has her own job/career and is financially stable.

When I met my partner, he was ending a tumultuous marriage. His wife refused to work (long story) and it caused huge financial stress in the relationship. It was VERY one sided and he vowed to chose a different kind of partner next time. When we met, he used to make me laugh because when he would introduce me to his family and friends he would say “and, she has a job. A career - she has a professional career!!” It was an absolute dealbreaker for him, he wanted to be in a partnership not have a dependent. 

Lesson learned, if you want to form a partnership you need to chose someone who shares the same values. While life does throw curve balls and everything is not always equal - you want to chose a woman who has her own life/career, is hard working, is kind and giving, and is prepared to participate in an equal partnership. This was obviously not your girl.

Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Calmandfocused]

Lamron, you’re bound to be upset, distressed and in tears right now. It’s completely understandable. 
 

Let’s just put something into perspective; 

You are 29, you have your own business,  your own house and you want to be a father someday. Do you know how appealing you will be on the singles market? Very, I can assure you. 
 

But not yet! I’m simply telling you this to reflect on when you’re in the “my life is over” despair that you’re feeling right now. 
 

Your life is not over, it’s only just beginning. There is a new chapter waiting for you but you must heal first. 
 

Don’t get into the trap of believing that all women will emotionally cheat on you with their exes. Not true at all. 
 

It’s cliche but true: in time you will feel better. Take it step by step. 

[Lamron300]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Thank you   to the bolded, that's because this is day one!  And right now you are saying that you cannot imagine things in the future from a very emotional place. I think you just need to move forward in a day-by-day, hour-by-hour way. Get stuff done that needs to get done. Use a to do list. Action and forward motion should help you a little bit at least to not concentrate on the emotional turmoil that probably won't feel better right away (or the perceived betrayal). 

Thank you once again. You are absolutely right. I am portraying myself to be a victim. We were both wrong to each other in the relationship. I am not innocent in this, however, I am not a cheat and I can promise you I cared for her deeply till the last moments.

I just wanted it to work out so badly, she was with me in some of my happiest moments and best days. I wanted to elevate both of our lives and I wanted us to have the same goals and visions and I probably was in denial that we were not right for each other. I never asked her exactly what she wanted as I was scared if we had different views we would have to break up. Break up= pain.

I need to sort out my health and make a plan for her to collect her stuff. I am just so worried she is going to do something irrational like try and break in. I am very happy to give her her stuff, I just don't want her and her ex in my house (especially if she has been cheating on me). I don't know where she is now as she always told me she had nowhere to go if we broke up. I don't want to feel culpable for any financial problems she may now have after our ending.

I don't want revenge, I just want to separate in peace now. I only knew it was officially  over when she lied about who called. In previous arguments she told me she was with her ex for 7 years (although had boyfriends after him) and said they had not talked for at least 3 years and his number wasn't saved. I worked very hard on my issues surrounding negativity/jealousy. I believe even on this forum people told me I had to accept that people will have a past. I did and it has unfortunately ended another relationship. I always say to myself people are together for 40 years and then divorce, so my pain can be resolved and isn't as bad. However, people are also happy. I don't want to come across like a victim if I ever do date again, but it seems like I am doing that by accident even just typing this.

My dog was very fond of her and he isn't going to understand this. I let her get so involved with him. When we first met I was working and she was off work due to covid rules. She spent a lot of time with my dog as he was a puppy. I now worry he may get depressed. It is such a stupid thing to worry about, but I fear it is a consequence of all of this. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You are 29, you have your own business,  your own house and you want to be a father someday. Do you know how appealing you will be on the singles market? Very, I can assure you. 

True. The right woman will bring something to your life, and appreciate all that you bring to the partnership. 

Chin up, there are better things ahead in the future. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lamron300]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Next time, you need to pick someone who has her own path - someone who has her own job/career and is financially stable.

Thank you. I don't think you'll ever understand how much your kind words mean to me at this dark horrible time. I do indeed feel like everything is over, but what I understand is it might just be a phase. The problem is if it wasn't for the cheating, I would most likely feel in a place to wish her well. We met when she was 32 and I was 27. Two young adults just trying to make it in the world. She hated her job in retail and I wanted more freedom in my work. I opened the business and she asked to work for me. I went from being in a small amount of debt to owning a house, a van and a car (within a year). She was with me and I felt we could buckle down and achieve our dreams. However, lately I felt I was on my own. I am pretty sure if it wasn't for the fact we live together, she would have left me. I don't want to sound like a victim (I'm not). I just hate how everything has ended. It was a slow painful death. I remember 6 months ago when she got a text from her ex and we had a massive argument, the next day I left my cousins wedding early as I felt terrible that I couldn't have such a beautiful event one day as I can't even be in a faithful relationship.

What I am trying to avoid is being a victim (mentally). She did wrong to me and I did wrong to her. I have had one other breakup in the past (which was very similar). I fixated back then on everything she did wrong and not what I did wrong, however, the problem here is if she was indeed unfaithful there is not much comfort I can take in this. How do I in the future avoid this situation? Everyone has a past but it has ruined two relationships. I thought by explaining to her very early on I don't like talking about ex--partners or the past would solve things. It didn't. I don't believe she changed her number to make a fresh start as she said, but to lull me into believing her. She didn't do anything physical (so in her head it isn't cheating). 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Lamron300

[BaileyB]

Kindly, this is new and you are very good used on analyzing what went wrong here and who was responsible. That’s fair.

But, I read the above post and it makes me think of the old adage, the house is burning down and you are focused on whether the fire started in the kitchen or the bedroom. The house is burning…

Time will help to give you a different perspective, the feelings are raw now. But, if you have the ability to do some counselling that would be a wise decision. Look for the patterns between the two relationships and think more broadly about the kind of woman you want for your partner/the kind of relationship that you want in the future. 

Good luck. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is someone I did everything for over the past two years and it is just too bitter a pill to swallow. I don't know how to move on in the future and trust someone.

I'll be blunt: the way to move on in the future is to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. A relationship is not employer-employee, is not I do everything for you, is not you live with me and I pay all the bills. That's not a relationship. That's like a parent-child connection. Or an older sibling-disabled sibling connection.

Every line you wrote contains a red flag. You guys moved in too soon--clearly! You only move in clear--pandemic or not--if you have the real maturity and skill to asses a relationship and assess someone's character and emotional maturity. You didn't. She didn't.  Example: you want to know about ex bf's before moving in with someone. Not just know their words, but have a sense of the person's personality and their neediness. 

You have given away your power. The way you trust in relationship in future is YOU DON'T TRUST. You assess, you examine, before committing. That's your job. You don't blindly "trust."  Dude, this ain't that different than deciding where to shop or who you can loan money to. 

And let the next partner have her own thing. Why didn't this woman have her own job? She shouldn't have needed or wanted to work with you so soon. She hadn't assessed you yet. 

So guess what? You date without thinking and evaluating, then the breakup is going to chaos. No surprise there--none!

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'll be blunt: the way to move on in the future is to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. A relationship is not employer-employee, is not I do everything for you, is not you live with me and I pay all the bills. That's not a relationship.

Well said. 

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have given away your power. The way you trust in relationship in future is YOU DON'T TRUST. You assess, you examine, before committing. That's your job. You don't blindly "trust."  

Again, well said. 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

She hated her job in retail and I wanted more freedom in my work. I opened the business and she asked to work for me.

To me, that’s a huge red flag. It’s quite presumptuous of her to ask you for a job. And, what if this business you were building was to struggle/fail - as they say, all your eggs are in one basket. What is your backup plan? Just a poor decision all around. And, now that the relationship has failed - you have to work with this woman. Never again. 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

the problem here is if she was indeed unfaithful there is not much comfort I can take in this. How do I in the future avoid this situation? Everyone has a past but it has ruined two relationships. I thought by explaining to her very early on I don't like talking about ex--partners or the past would solve things. It didn't.

You don’t necessarily want to talk about past relationships in that you don’t want to hear about the sex and how well your partner got along with their ex’s friends and family… but, you certainly want to know about how they behaved in the relationship. Were they both faithful? Does she still talk with the man/how does she respect relationship boundaries? Was it an equal partnership? Was it calm and peaceful and did they communicate well or was the relationship full of conflict and did they have major communication/trust issues? How did your partner deal with the breakup - were they kind or did they behave in mean and spiteful ways? See what I mean - by asking the right questions you can tell a lot about a person’s character and how they function in relationships - with family, friends, past relationships. This is what we are supposed to do when dating - learn about the person we are dating and make an assessment about whether they will be a good and healthy partner for you. So yeah, you want to know about her past relationships - not the details, but the values, and the patterns…

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lamron300]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well said. 

Again, well said. 

To me, that’s a huge red flag. It’s quite presumptuous of her to ask you for a job. And, what if this business you were building was to struggle/fail - as they say, all your eggs are in one basket. What is your backup plan? Just a poor decision all around. And, now that the relationship has failed - you have to work with this woman. Never again.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your advice, literally, very comforting. 
 

I’ve been sitting in bed thinking about these issues which you highlighted might have been red flags. I just want your opinion, If that is okay (please).

 

1. She’s 34, I’m 29. She didn’t give any indication of wanting children or getting married anytime soon. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable as it’s not like I wanted that this second, but I guess I hoped in the future it would become clear or she would change her mind. In an argument she called me a kid and told me she hated kids. I had all sorts of thoughts like maybe she had a traumatic past experience, I didn’t want to dig into it. Would it be fair to ask these questions asap ?

 

2. We had very infrequent sex during our relationship. I brought it up once or twice. First time she told me she is very rarely horny. Second time she blamed me and said because I don’t initiate. I stopped initiating as I felt if I didn’t initiate we could go months without. I feel like she could have a medical issue, but she never mentioned it. I didn’t want her to feel pressure so I just never brought it up. Result was infrequent sex. I got grouchy sometimes and I didn’t know why, it was probably because of this. Even in todays argument she tried to blame me. I felt I couldn’t win in this situation. I just wanted to feel closer, but didn’t want her to feel pressure. 
 

3. With closure I would feel better if I knew she cared about me, but we were just incompatible. However, the last things she said to me were ‘You’re going to be nothing without me’, ‘You can’t cook and clean for yourself’ and lied about calling her ex. I hate being bitter and want to have some (almost fond memories). However, I don’t know what was said/done in anger and what she truly meant.
 

4. I talked a lot about business to her (as we worked together). She said in todays argument she wanted a separation of business and personal life and that I always talk business. She wanted days off without mentioning business. I didn’t know how to blur the lines between business and the relationship as both affected our personal lives a lot. Right now business is quiet, which means harder to pay expenses. I wanted to brainstorm ideas with her, but always got the feeling that it didn’t impact her. I’m responsible for my own business and future, however, would it be reasonable to expect some support? To at least acknowledge my stress. I couldn’t voice to her exactly what emotional support I wanted, but just felt I wasn’t getting this. Is this wrong from me?

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable as it’s not like I wanted that this second, but I guess I hoped in the future it would become clear or she would change her mind.

Again, if you have lived with the woman and you know her - have you not figured out that she “hates” kids? Have you ever seen her show interest in her friends children or nieces and nephews? Has she ever talked about kids with joy and appreciation? It’s not necessarily that you have to have a conversation - you can pick up some of these things just by paying attention… And yes, within a month or two of dating I knew where my partner stood in detail about his plans for the future/children. He didn’t need to commit to me - but I knew where he saw his life going int he future and it was similar to my plans for the future.

But most important, one does not get with a woman who “hates” kids with the thought that she would “change her mind.” 

These are important things to discuss before you get serious/move in with someone - what are their plans for marriage, kids, where do they want to live, finances, etc…

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I didn’t want her to feel pressure so I just never brought it up. Even in todays argument she tried to blame me.

Two problems here - you felt like you couldn’t communicate your needs and she did a lot of gaslighting. 

Infrequent sex is - goes without saying - a problem. A huge red flag. 

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

However, I don’t know what was said/done in anger and what she truly meant.

Kindly, it doesn’t matter what she said in anger. And, it actually doesn’t matter what she thinks. She doesn’t give you closure - you do. You don’t get your self worth and your “good memories” from her - both of these things come from YOU. Again, a counsellor would really help you to build your self esteem, develop stronger boundaries, and learn how to assert yourself/communicate in a relationship. 

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I talked a lot about business to her (as we worked together). She said in todays argument she wanted a separation of business and personal life and that I always talk business.

This is why you don’t mix business and your personal life. 

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I wanted to brainstorm ideas with her, but always got the feeling that it didn’t impact her. Would it be reasonable to expect some support?

Not anymore, she now just an employee. It’s not her job to support you or do any strategic planning with you. You will need to look elsewhere for support/mentorship.

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Would it be reasonable to expect some support? To at least acknowledge my stress. I couldn’t voice to her exactly what emotional support I wanted, but just felt I wasn’t getting this. Is this wrong from me?

 In a relationship with a partner who is not an employee, of course they should offer emotional support. The problem here is - a) she didn’t care and b) she didn’t like the lack of separation between work/life. And she is not wrong to feel this way - there is a reason why they say never do business with family. It’s very difficult to keep a boundary between work/home. And when one relationship goes sour, so does the other. It would be great if she was as invested in growing the business as you were/are, but she clearly wasn’t. 

You sound like such a nice guy - with kindness, I would say almost too nice for your own good. Please, when you can try to find a counselling to debrief this relationship. It will really help you going forward. And, when you actually have a healthy relationship with a good woman - you will find it enlightening. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you once again. You are absolutely right. I am portraying myself to be a victim. We were both wrong to each other in the relationship. I am not innocent in this, however, I am not a cheat and I can promise you I cared for her deeply till the last moments.

I just wanted it to work out so badly, she was with me in some of my happiest moments and best days. I wanted to elevate both of our lives and I wanted us to have the same goals and visions and I probably was in denial that we were not right for each other. I never asked her exactly what she wanted as I was scared if we had different views we would have to break up. Break up= pain.

I need to sort out my health and make a plan for her to collect her stuff. I am just so worried she is going to do something irrational like try and break in. I am very happy to give her her stuff, I just don't want her and her ex in my house (especially if she has been cheating on me). I don't know where she is now as she always told me she had nowhere to go if we broke up. I don't want to feel culpable for any financial problems she may now have after our ending.

I don't want revenge, I just want to separate in peace now. I only knew it was officially  over when she lied about who called. In previous arguments she told me she was with her ex for 7 years (although had boyfriends after him) and said they had not talked for at least 3 years and his number wasn't saved. I worked very hard on my issues surrounding negativity/jealousy. I believe even on this forum people told me I had to accept that people will have a past. I did and it has unfortunately ended another relationship. I always say to myself people are together for 40 years and then divorce, so my pain can be resolved and isn't as bad. However, people are also happy. I don't want to come across like a victim if I ever do date again, but it seems like I am doing that by accident even just typing this.

My dog was very fond of her and he isn't going to understand this. I let her get so involved with him. When we first met I was working and she was off work due to covid rules. She spent a lot of time with my dog as he was a puppy. I now worry he may get depressed. It is such a stupid thing to worry about, but I fear it is a consequence of all of this. 

 

alli can tell you are what we’re the things you know you did wrong and how to fix thst. Also ehat we’re the things you wanted from her and didn’t get? Was the ask reasonable?

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Kindly, it doesn’t matter what she said in anger. And, it actually doesn’t matter what she thinks. She doesn’t give you closure - you do. You don’t get your self worth and your “good memories” from her - both of these things come from YOU. Again, a counsellor would really help you to build your self esteem, develop stronger boundaries, and learn how to assert yourself/communicate in a relationship. . 

Thank you. I need to find a counsellor asap. I haven’t been able to sleep, been up all night. This is a horrible feeling. 
 

What is bugging me is I genuinely believe all that she will be upset about right now is the fact she doesn’t have a free home. I know you don’t know me, but I promise you I would be incapable of lying the way she did. When we argued six months ago about her ex texting her (his number wasn’t saved and I couldn’t see any previous convo) I accepted her explanation that he contacted her out of the blue. The next day when we were in the car, she connected her phone and it was on aeroplane mode (means you can’t get notifications). I confronted her about this and she lied about this and said she didn’t know it was on that and she doesn’t know what aeroplane mode is. She never admitted she did it willingly, she kind of said I didn’t want you to get hurt by people texting me, which is nonsense. I don’t for one minute believe she was visiting anyone behind my back as she was always at home with me. I then just wondered why she was in contact, what they were talking about etc, which are all unhelpful thoughts. 

Again I hate typing this as I’m portraying myself as the victim, however, should I have finished things then? In relationships going forward (hopefully one day I heal)  I would expect people not to have dodgy contacts with their ex. 

You have highlighted we were incompatible, which I guess any outsider would have told me. She didn’t seem fussed to get married or have a family, so we were just in limbo. She didn’t seem to want to work with me in business, yet she didn’t have a career dream of her own. I don’t know what she wanted. My fear is she is calculated, which is very distressing. I would like to think we were both genuine and did wrong against each other, not that she never cared and used me. 
 

I am struggling to enjoy things on my own, which is a huge problem. Buying a house was a very proud achievement, I should enjoy it regardless of her, but it now feels empty and full of bad memories. The same with work. Her role was very small, but I felt I had someone to talk to (even though she didn’t care) now I have no one. 

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

alli can tell you are what we’re the things you know you did wrong and how to fix thst. Also ehat we’re the things you wanted from her and didn’t get? Was the ask reasonable?

What I did wrong was have poor communication. I wouldn’t be able to tell her what my issue was and then would lash out for another reason, instead of saying what was deep down. My deepest frustrations with her was she didn’t give me any indications she wanted to get married one day. I never wanted to bring it up as it wasn’t like we had to get married right now or even in 5 years, but at least have a thought to the future. I thought if I brought it up I would upset her. The fact is she did let me know she doesn’t want kids. I remember when I bought the house, I must have mentioned the fact i might extend one day, she got so angry and said what are you planning???!. She thought we would live in a 2 bedroom our whole lives. 
 

We also had very infrequent sex, which I couldn’t bring up to her as I feared we would argue and it’s a delicate matter. I told her that I don’t care about the physical act, I just want the closeness. She had a different reason each time. First time she said she only gets naturally horny like twice a year, but if I initiated things she would respond.  All the other times (like yesterday in our final argument) she blamed me and said I didn’t make her feel wanted. I feel the real reason was she probably had a medical issue which made sex painful/unappealing yet she didn’t want to tell me. As a result of my poor communication and her gaslighting me, I gave up on my desires, I got into the vicious cycle of watching porn instead of even bringing up sex. 
 

Ultimately, I wanted her to want the same things as me. She is 34, I’m 29. I wanted her to take interest in business as much as I did as she told me she wanted to work together. When things are bad like now, I wanted support. In an argument she said that she felt that by support I wanted her to do the work for me. What I meant is I wanted her to seem a bit more concerned about the drop off in the market, actively sit with me and think what to do. Even if she said to me she wanted to open up her own cleaning business within my business, I wouldn’t have minded. Just some sort of ambition. I felt alone in that sense. 
 

I also wanted her to just embrace things for what they were. Even before I bought the house  and she was living with me whilst I rented, she made a comment 18 months ago saying ‘it’s not really our place, I would feel better if we picked it together. I couldn’t understand the issue. She had her flat and then moved in with me rent free. The flat was a nice flat and I had only lived there since the time I first met her (I arrived there June, met her in July). She always had hang ups about these material possessions, whereas I didn’t care. Why does it matter who owns what? We both live here and can enjoy it. It would only matter if we break up, which I wasn’t planning to. She also said the same thing about the dog (18 months ago) but then she later thought of him as her dog. 
 

I don’t know if we both just had character flaws which clashed or if she was just an opportunist. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I feel humiliated. What if she never truly cared? I mean someone who didn’t want to give me what I wanted or say clearly what she wanted couldn’t have been genuine. In previous arguments I would ask her why are you still with me if you feel I’m so bad to you? She would just say I hope you change. She would also then emphasise the fact that I’m kicking her out, which again if I had my way, we wouldn’t have lived together and been independent. We would both have been better off in the event of a breakup. However, if she is the way I think she is, If I didn’t agree to live together and work with her, she probably would have left ages ago. 

[Lamron300]

I still can’t sleep, so I have made a list of things that are bothering me.

1) What do I tell the neighbours? I am new to the neighbourhood and any questions about why she’s not here anymore will be painful and awkward. Our neighbours I think thought we were married.

2) As she lied to my face today, this means she was lying in the past. Has she been talking to her ex all this time?? Have I just wasted  more than two years of my life? They were not meeting up, so what on earth were they talking about. It’s not her most recent ex, so has she done this before?

3) I made her a job role of taking photographs whilst I do my job. I assess houses for structural issues and dictate the notes to her. Most people in my line of work, work alone. I got used to this way of working and will now have to go back on my own. Feeling kind of lonely. 
 

4) I am worried she will try and come back here, with her ex to take her stuff. I am happy to pay for her stuff to be sent to her, I just don’t want to see her. Do I now have to pay for all the locks to be changed.

5) I hate having anger and hatred in my heart. I would rather have ended on good terms. All my love for her disappeared in 10 minutes after she lied. I saw her as a big part of my life and felt loyalty towards her. Even though in my head I knew she didn’t seem to want what I wanted, because she hadn’t made it clear she definitely didn’t, I hoped we would both change. I am a big believer in reconciliation if possible, however, impossible in this scenario. 
 

6) I feel very lonely. I don’t know where she went after I kicked her out. She just walked up the road after making a phone call. She complained she had no money during our argument. What is she going to do? Even if she gets back with her ex, I doubt he will support her. The last words she said to me is I hope you’re proud of yourself. Again blaming me for her actions. All I wanted was to feel her love and support. In the past she referred to us as a family (probably gas lighting me). What makes us a family, it was just her, me and my dog. That’s just a normal relationship. She has told me I can’t live without her. 
 

7) As much as I love you guys and appreciate the help, I am sad I have had to post this. I wish things worked out. My life has changed since I last posted. I have two businesses and a dog. Responsibilities I didn’t have before. I’m also 29 and want to settle down. I moved to the outskirts of London for a quiet, peaceful life. I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I fear that I would want to replace this horrible bad memory or this relationship quickly and that may come across in the future. I wish I lived this portion of my life with someone who cared. 
 

I’m not enjoying the things I once did anymore. I was house proud, now I don’t care. 

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

1) What do I tell the neighbours? I am new to the neighbourhood and any questions about why she’s not here anymore will be painful and awkward. Our neighbours I think thought we were married.

You don't have to tell the neighbours anything.

It's not their business.

Your private life is your business, not theirs.

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

2) As she lied to my face today, this means she was lying in the past. Has she been talking to her ex all this time?? Have I just wasted  more than two years of my life? They were not meeting up, so what on earth were they talking about. It’s not her most recent ex, so has she done this before?

Very likely yes. I feel that she was only with you for the security.

But it also no longer matters so it wont do you any good to dwell on it.

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

3) I made her a job role of taking photographs whilst I do my job. I assess houses for structural issues and dictate the notes to her. Most people in my line of work, work alone. I got used to this way of working and will now have to go back on my own. Feeling kind of lonely. 

Advertise for a new photographer.

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

4) I am worried she will try and come back here, with her ex to take her stuff. I am happy to pay for her stuff to be sent to her, I just don’t want to see her. Do I now have to pay for all the locks to be changed.

Yes, change the locks if she has a key to your place. 

No, don't pay to send her stuff to her. 

Either put it all outside for her to pick up or arrange for someone (friend or family member) to be there when she collects it, but don't allow her in your home.

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

6) I feel very lonely. I don’t know where she went after I kicked her out. She just walked up the road after making a phone call. She complained she had no money during our argument. What is she going to do? Even if she gets back with her ex, I doubt he will support her. The last words she said to me is I hope you’re proud of yourself. Again blaming me for her actions. All I wanted was to feel her love and support. In the past she referred to us as a family (probably gas lighting me). What makes us a family, it was just her, me and my dog. That’s just a normal relationship. She has told me I can’t live without her. 

She's not your problem anymore.

Who cares what she does now. 

That phone call was obviously getting her ex to come pick her up.

It's not for you to worry about if he can't support her. She'll have to learn to support herself.

Stop wasting your time dwelling on all of this. It no longer matters.