What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[Lamron300]

16 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 

Stop wasting your time dwelling on all of this. It no longer matters.

Thank you. I’m trying to get some counselling to help me through this. I’ve phoned a very in my local area to get appointments. I’m happy to be supported by people on this forum, it means a lot.

As you said, none of this matters anymore. What she does now with her life is up to her. I just don’t understand why someone would do what she did. I told her in many previous arguments why is she still here if I’m so bad? Now I guess it was just for the security. If she never planned to get married, have kids or even share our current life situation what was her plan?! She would have just waited it out till she either got money herself or maybe someone else offered her a place to stay. If she didn’t feel she was doing anything bad, why did she lie who called her. She could have just said that we are over now, so I’m getting someone to pick me up. Before that escalation we were sitting down talking calmly. I think she would have still been here, lying behind my back if he didn’t call. 
 

I genuinely wanted a better life for her, as well as myself. I feel so much anger at her for ruining our relationship, however, I’m so deluded as I played my part. I was passive aggressive, didn’t make my expectations clear, held grudges etc. We should have just sat down as adults a long time ago and said we want different things and gone our separate ways. But from her point of a view, having a place to stay and no bills to pay and a job was worth more than what she desires from life.

I’m now having paranoid anxiety of every car that passes my house, thinking she is coming back with her ex who caused this to try retrieve her stuff. I am happy for her to have her stuff I just don’t want her on my property. The sick twisted thing that makes this worse is, nobody has to worry about me and my ‘ex’ in the future after how this has ended. There is no reconciliation, so if I ever did get into another relationship, that person could have peace of mind. I wish we could have just ended as friends, but the relationship was built on lies and manipulation. 
 

I don’t want to think everyone is dodgy and has an attachment to their ex, however, this is the second time this has happened to me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

. I don’t know where she went after I kicked her out. She just walked up the road after making a phone call. 

Talk to an attorney. If she lived there for a while, it's her legal residence. Kicking her out on the street can backfire as an illegal eviction. 

Hopefully you'll be reasonable and set up a time for her to get her things. That may help avoid a lawsuit for unlawful eviction. No matter how mad someone is, you simply can't throw people on the street when that was their residence.

You'll have to allow her to collect her belongings. Change the locks if you want, get a peace officer if you want, but do things legally. Try not to let hurt and angry push you toward legal problems.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

If she never planned to get married, have kids or even share our current life situation what was her plan?! She would have just waited it out till she either got money herself or maybe someone else offered her a place to stay. If she didn’t feel she was doing anything bad, why did she lie who called her.

Stop thinking about all this, it doesn't matter anymore.

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m now having paranoid anxiety of every car that passes my house, thinking she is coming back with her ex who caused this to try retrieve her stuff. I am happy for her to have her stuff I just don’t want her on my property.

Like I said, put all her stuff outside or better yet take it all to a friend / relative of hers and leave it there.

That way she has no reason to come near your place.

Change the locks.

You don't have to see her.

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to an attorney. If she lived there for a while, it's her legal residence. Kicking her out on the street can backfire as an illegal eviction. 

Hopefully you'll be reasonable and set up a time for her to get her things. That may help avoid a lawsuit for unlawful eviction. No matter how mad someone is, you simply can't throw people on the street when that was their residence.

You'll have to allow her to collect her belongings. Change the locks if you want, get a peace officer if you want, but do things legally. Try not to let hurt and angry push you toward legal problems.

Thank you. I have checked the law in the UK and it says someone can stay in your home if

-married or in a civil partnership

-named on the title deeds or tenancy agreement

She is neither of those things. I don’t want to be cruel or mean, I am just trying to protect my mental health. I can’t be near someone who has lied to me and used me for over two years. I never wanted this to be the case. When we initially moved in together I thought she did it because of commitment and she was sure. 
 

I don’t want any of her stuff to get damaged even accidentally. Things are so raw and she hasn’t tried to contact me yet, so I don’t know what she is planning. I feel so embarrassed, like my life is a tv drama or something. I don’t ever want things like this happening. I am a kind and fair person, however, if someone doesn’t want to be with me, I need to consolidate my own life. If she hadn’t cheated and we just disagreed, I would never have reacted the way I did. 
 

I just want this pain to be over. Her to get her stuff and we never speak again. 

[JTSW]

Don't feel embarrassed.

All you have ever done is love and support her and she threw it back in your face.

I think your best option is to take all her stuff somewhere else so you never have to see her and she doesn't have any reason to come near your home.

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want any of her stuff to get damaged even accidentally. Things are so raw and she hasn’t tried to contact me yet, 

Try to put emotions aside for now and contact her to collect her things. Then there's no loose ends and you can be done with it. Deal with the practical issues first, then regroup, reflect and reframe.

 Once her stuff is out and all ties are severed, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Change the locks if you want. 

[Lamron300]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to put emotions aside for now and contact her to collect her things. Then there's no loose ends and you can be done with it. Deal with the practical issues first, then regroup, reflect and reframe.

 Once her stuff is out and all ties are severed, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Change the locks if you want. 

I have set up a counselling session for this Friday, I really hope it helps. I am having useless thoughts at the moment. 
 

I wish she could put across her side to someone impartial, so I could at least try and understand. But from my end, she is 34, doesn’t want to get married or have kids but expected me to put her on a mortgage (she didn’t contribute a penny too). She wanted the security but not out of commitment. I don’t care about the material things, I just don’t understand her. Wasted both my time and her time and cheated on top of that. 
 

She hasn’t tried to contact me yet regarding her stuff, I fear she is going to try and break in. I don’t know her mindset, she could even make a false claim against me. 
 

Not that is relevant; but do you know if there is anything that would cause her low sex drive and hatred of kids? Something is going on which she didn’t want to discuss. Everyone has their issues, I would have just preferred if she didn’t blame me and told me the truth. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

  She hasn’t tried to contact me yet regarding her stuff, I fear she is going to try and break in

This is why being proactive and arranging a specific time with a peace officer present is the best recourse.

Obviously she can't break into your house without being arrested so try to focus on severing ties. What "false claim"? Everyone needs proof of something. Try not to let this hijack your reasoning. Just cross the Ts, dot the Is, follow the law.

It's too late now to ponder her personality and life choices. While it's common to go through the sour grapes stage, trying to find defects in her now is an exercise in futility. Focus on getting her stuff out of your house.  

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Again I hate typing this as I’m portraying myself as the victim

To me, you don’t come across as someone who is portraying himself as the victim.

To me, you are a man who needs to learn how to assert himself and have stronger personal boundaries. 

Edited January 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's too late now to ponder her personality and life choices.

Exactly. Time to find the lessons here and look forward…

[glows]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to think everyone is dodgy and has an attachment to their ex, however, this is the second time this has happened to me. 

I’d say a good many do. That’s why we take the time to know someone and avoid living situations like this before you’re completely certain you feel comfortable with that person’s choices and lifestyle. Dating someone who works for you was questionable. Moving in together was a mistake. You weren’t on the same page. 

If someone staying in contact with their ex is a dealbreaker for you then make sure you don’t get back together with her. You mentioned wishing you both ended on better terms as “friends” but this is a little pot calling the kettle black. You just said you dislike when people stay in touch with exes so don’t stay in touch with her either. She is not a friend. 

You work with buildings and seeing that they’re structurally sound. Apply similar principals to your relationships going forward. They need to be structurally sound also meaning better compatibility, putting the correct time and effort into constructing the foundation and all the supports before layering on all the other things. Others have pointed out good examples in future picking someone more similar to you. She didn’t want kids? Take it for what it is. Don’t attempt to figure out why. You’re not compatible if you want kids.

The most important thing is you are clear this is over, remove her things and give yourself time to heal. 

[Lamron300]

59 minutes ago, glows said:

I’d say a good many do. That’s why we take the time to know someone and avoid living situations like this before you’re completely certain you feel comfortable with that person’s choices and lifestyle. Dating someone who works for you was questionable. Moving in together was a mistake. You weren’t on the same page. 

Thank you. I really appreciate it. Its so raw. I just got back from work and I broke down in tears at work. I am worried I am going to seriously mess up before this stage of grief subsides. I have an appointment with counsellor, but that isn't till Friday. 

I don't know why I can't take any consolation. Yourself and others have been given me so much encouragement, my brother and a colleague too. People have even told me they have been through the same thing, but my mind still feels like the world is ending. I live a very private life since I matured and I only really interacted with her.

I thought I was doing right by her when I agreed to work with her two years ago, however, her motives were not pure. I so badly wanted things to work out, especially since we had been through a lot together...now I'm thinking she was just witnessing my life events (success, failure etc). I just so badly wanted to lift us both up together. If she didn't want the same things why not say. I would never ever reconcile with her as she is a proven liar. I have never been more disappointed in my life with someone, I must be a terrible judge of character. 

I'm hoping in 6 months time I will be feeling better.

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To me, you don’t come across as someone who is portraying himself as the victim.

To me, you are a man who needs to learn how to assert himself and have stronger personal boundaries. 

That is my biggest flaw. I am to blame too. I never told her my non-negotiable hopes for the future. I hoped she would magically just agree. Till now I don't know where she is. Its crazy how you go from living with someone and seeing them everyday, speaking about everything to them just vanishing. 

90% of our arguments were done to a previous argument not being properly resolved. I just felt towards the end that we were drifting away because of her (as I felt I hadn't changed). Instead of telling her my exact thoughts, I would lash out. When I did tell her, she would turn around then blame me. Why am I being so stupid? she isn't the only girl in the world. It hasn't worked out, thats life. Thats what my brain is telling me, it just isn't processing. Why can't I just feel like it is her loss? she gave up the peaceful calm family life, I'm a good man who supported her and trusted her. It is not like I can't ever have what I want like you only get one shot at a relationship, which I have used up. So many rational thoughts combined with the fact, she clearly didn't want to be with me (just wanted the benefit of me). I need to move on quick, but I don't know how. I will sort her stuff out for sure and make sure they get back to her okay. Is it just I can't accept that she didn't want what I thought would be a logical life? She is entitled to want what she wants, but then it is the cheating which is wrong. 

I just want to get back to enjoying the things I used to. For example, I bought a playstation 5 and we used to play it together. Now she is gone, I can't even look at it. I didn't buy it because of her, but now it is so repulsive to me. The house, which I bought but we both had input in the renovation, now I get no joy from it. It reminds me of this bad time. I want to get back to associating with good things. Maybe one day someone will move in and there won't be a problem. I just can't see it right now, which makes me feel ridiculous.

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I did wrong was have poor communication. I wouldn’t be able to tell her what my issue was and then would lash out for another reason, instead of saying what was deep down. My deepest frustrations with her was she didn’t give me any indications she wanted to get married one day. I never wanted to bring it up as it wasn’t like we had to get married right now or even in 5 years, but at least have a thought to the future. I thought if I brought it up I would upset her. The fact is she did let me know she doesn’t want kids. I remember when I bought the house, I must have mentioned the fact i might extend one day, she got so angry and said what are you planning???!. She thought we would live in a 2 bedroom our whole lives. 
 

We also had very infrequent sex, which I couldn’t bring up to her as I feared we would argue and it’s a delicate matter. I told her that I don’t care about the physical act, I just want the closeness. She had a different reason each time. First time she said she only gets naturally horny like twice a year, but if I initiated things she would respond.  All the other times (like yesterday in our final argument) she blamed me and said I didn’t make her feel wanted. I feel the real reason was she probably had a medical issue which made sex painful/unappealing yet she didn’t want to tell me. As a result of my poor communication and her gaslighting me, I gave up on my desires, I got into the vicious cycle of watching porn instead of even bringing up sex. 
 

Ultimately, I wanted her to want the same things as me. She is 34, I’m 29. I wanted her to take interest in business as much as I did as she told me she wanted to work together. When things are bad like now, I wanted support. In an argument she said that she felt that by support I wanted her to do the work for me. What I meant is I wanted her to seem a bit more concerned about the drop off in the market, actively sit with me and think what to do. Even if she said to me she wanted to open up her own cleaning business within my business, I wouldn’t have minded. Just some sort of ambition. I felt alone in that sense. 
 

I also wanted her to just embrace things for what they were. Even before I bought the house  and she was living with me whilst I rented, she made a comment 18 months ago saying ‘it’s not really our place, I would feel better if we picked it together. I couldn’t understand the issue. She had her flat and then moved in with me rent free. The flat was a nice flat and I had only lived there since the time I first met her (I arrived there June, met her in July). She always had hang ups about these material possessions, whereas I didn’t care. Why does it matter who owns what? We both live here and can enjoy it. It would only matter if we break up, which I wasn’t planning to. She also said the same thing about the dog (18 months ago) but then she later thought of him as her dog. 
 

I don’t know if we both just had character flaws which clashed or if she was just an opportunist. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I feel humiliated. What if she never truly cared? I mean someone who didn’t want to give me what I wanted or say clearly what she wanted couldn’t have been genuine. In previous arguments I would ask her why are you still with me if you feel I’m so bad to you? She would just say I hope you change. She would also then emphasise the fact that I’m kicking her out, which again if I had my way, we wouldn’t have lived together and been independent. We would both have been better off in the event of a breakup. However, if she is the way I think she is, If I didn’t agree to live together and work with her, she probably would have left ages ago. 

 

communication is important. Especially in the things you mention. If there was a sex problem order pushed away early you would naturally pull away.  It’s like you know if you touch something you get shocked.after a couple times doing this you avoid it.

 

sex was an issue with my ex. She would turn me away. I gave up knowing when she wanted it so she’d have to initiate.  Then  it becomes a thing like I said above…why try if you are going to get rejected. She would want things from me but not reciprocate.  I told her to go to an on and get checked out.  She wasn’t diagnosed with this when we were married. A few years later I heard a story about a medical condition existed thst was considered rare that I wonder if she had.

 

buying a big investment like buying a house is always going to be a problem.  I don’t know ehen you did this. If it was a year in I woukd have waited till the relationship is established.  You wanting to buy a home would be a good reason to dig deep into the future of the relationship.  
 

when I’ve been matched and starting talking to someone and thry mention they just bought a house says to me thry are going to be there the next few years at least.  If this is an area I felt I couldn't live in thrn I won’t bother trying to date.  
 

i get how she would feel as innthus is not my place and I won’t have any input on things.  Thrn you get into this is my place not yours arguments.

 

 

[Lamron300]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

communication is important. Especially in the things you mention. If there was a sex problem order pushed away early you would naturally pull away.  It’s like you know if you touch something you get shocked.after a couple times doing this you avoid it.

 

 

This is what confused me. As you said, I gave up trying. The natural excitement of the intimacy vanished. Last time we had sex was to try cheer me up after I had a bad day and she had been out with a friend. Now I’m wondering if she felt guilty for something.

I never dreamed of buying a house this young. What happened was business went well and the mortgage payment was lower than the rent I was paying. She had input on everything. Not that it matters now, however, she has more stuff in this house than me. 
 

I got so wrapped up in the ‘security’ of the relationship. I would wear old clothes or my work clothes mostly, I would have the same routine. It feels so difficult thinking I have to start again now. 
 

A big issue was she would always hold the dog lead when we walked the dog. My dog eventually  thought that only she could/would walk him. I never said anything to her about this as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I am not possessive, however, that has backfired. 
 

I’m not hoping to be spiteful to her as it is only damaging my own health. I just want to break all contact. I just wonder if deep down she really thinks she is better off? She had a good life with me. I was bad to her when I lashed out on numerous occasions but this was always because I felt pushed away or uncomfortable by a statement or action of hers. A vicious cycle. I hope to one day find peace. 

[Ami1uwant]

35 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

This is what confused me. As you said, I gave up trying. The natural excitement of the intimacy vanished. Last time we had sex was to try cheer me up after I had a bad day and she had been out with a friend. Now I’m wondering if she felt guilty for something.

I never dreamed of buying a house this young. What happened was business went well and the mortgage payment was lower than the rent I was paying. She had input on everything. Not that it matters now, however, she has more stuff in this house than me. 
 

I got so wrapped up in the ‘security’ of the relationship. I would wear old clothes or my work clothes mostly, I would have the same routine. It feels so difficult thinking I have to start again now. 
 

A big issue was she would always hold the dog lead when we walked the dog. My dog eventually  thought that only she could/would walk him. I never said anything to her about this as I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I am not possessive, however, that has backfired. 
 

I’m not hoping to be spiteful to her as it is only damaging my own health. I just want to break all contact. I just wonder if deep down she really thinks she is better off? She had a good life with me. I was bad to her when I lashed out on numerous occasions but this was always because I felt pushed away or uncomfortable by a statement or action of hers. A vicious cycle. I hope to one day find peace. 

Her always wanting to walk the dog is a control/ manipulation thing which also can be a major thing in raising a child that could lead to a whole set of other problems.

[Lamron300]

26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Her always wanting to walk the dog is a control/ manipulation thing which also can be a major thing in raising a child that could lead to a whole set of other problems.

That is true. If we did have a child, she could have used that as control/manipulation. She didn’t have any boundaries with the dog.

Why can’t I realise the breakup was for the best? Even if she was still here and we didn’t argue on Sunday, she still wouldn’t have wanted kids, still wouldn’t have wanted marriage; still wouldn’t have wanted sex. I’m as bad as her as my head is just telling me her being here for the sake of it would have been better than doing the right thing and separating.
 

my brother told me to make a list of pros and cons of the breakup. 

Pros 

can one day find someone who wants the same things. Very critical from day 1.

Don’t have to answer to anybody else or feel bad about running my business 

Don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to be close and supported.

Don’t have to stress about if she’s cheating or not 

I get my space back 

Expenses will reduce

 

Cons 

Lonely 

Feel bad about how everything ended

Work will suffer (at least short term)

The dog may miss her 

Another bad relationship experience 

Explaining to people what happened

Negative thoughts 

Trust issues worsened 

Feel used and not enjoying things I used to

need to pay for counselling 

Not knowing what will happen next. Where is she? What is she planning, hopefully no drama. 

[BaileyB]

Kindly, the single best thing you could do for yourself in this moment is to take a step back. Stop analyzing - this is not a problem that you need to solve by the end of the day. Take the afternoon off and go for a walk or go to the gym. Go for a beer with your brother and don’t talk about your relationship. Give it a rest until your counselling appointment on Friday. With time, you will have a different perspective.

Right now, it sounds like you are working yourself up into a right tizzy - going down a worry spiral of “why is she like this” and “I feel so alone” and “the world as I know it and want it to be is coming to an end.” Just STOP. These problems will still be there to analyze if you set them down today - better to wait and discuss with your counseller on Friday. 

For now, the best thing to do is to be kind to yourself. Make a conscious decision to push pause on your racing thoughts and breathe deeply. Distract yourself with work, exercise, friends. It will be ok. With time, you will gain a little better perspective - 

Edited January 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Calmandfocused]

Lamron. 
 

Please for a moment just take a breath and a step back. You’re thinking patterns are all over the place. 
 

You’re going have to accept that your recovery is going to take time. Stop trying to rush yourself through processes. Be kind to yourself. 
 

You know how you can stop the same cycle in the future? Set higher standards for yourself. 
 

I nearly fell off my chair when you said you’re in the U.K. I too am from the U.K. and I can tell you this much:

I do not know any 34 year old woman (or older) who is not financially independent, who relies on a man to support her (financial, housing etc) and who has no career to speak of. Women are culturally expected to have stability in their life at this age. 

So what does this tell you? It tells me that you made a bad decision from the offset. You have the power to change that. Make sure you do. 

 

Side note: I’m really struggling to see what you saw in your ex: No career, no money, no stability, no sex drive, no emotional availability, no independence. Come on Op, what is all this information telling you? You really think that this was the best you could do? 
 

As I said: aim higher. 
 

[glows]

You mentioned experiencing paranoia. When someone moves out or there’s a major shift in our lives there is a large shift in reality. Take a deep breath here and accept what you’re feeling without needing to know all the whys. It’s very natural to want to know why things are so different all of a sudden. 

Personally, I know myself and it takes approx 2 weeks for the edge of a breakup to wear off. This is different for each person but you’ve got to give yourself that window for all the emotions to calm down and your mind to accept also all the reasons it didn’t work. During that period you may go through missing her, regret, wanting to contact her, disliking her tremendously or blaming yourself. This DOES eventually end. Have faith in that and ride out this wave.

Lashing out is never the way to go so don’t lash out in future if you’re sensing someone pulling away. Stop and take a good look at what’s happening and change what you’re doing. 

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Again I hate typing this as I’m portraying myself as the victim, however, should I have finished things then? In relationships going forward (hopefully one day I heal)  I would expect people not to have dodgy contacts with their ex. 

To the bolded....and yet sometimes people DO and then you deal with it.  I think one thing that sticks out in reading all your stuff is that you need to have FAITH and BELIEF in yourself. Without that, it is how you might repeatedly find yourself in unbalanced relationships or where you don't speak up and have healthy relationship communication...and get taken advantage of.

 I can't help but think one of the big things you are ruminating on is that deep down you feel used. You might be right. I think the healthiest thing for YOU to do is to understand that life is usually not black and white but usually shades of grey. So yeah, could she have had elements of using you? Of course...sounds like she did. Is she an evil, horrible person? Probably not--shades of grey...some darkness, some light. If you start to think about the relationship in those terms, IMO, it can help you to move on. Trying to make sense of something or apply meaning where the one of the only meanings will have you as the duped/failure and her taking advantage...it's like double victimization because then you don't even trust that choosing to be with her was at times the right choices..which in shades of grey, there were probably times that it was. 

I'm glad you found a counselor. You are ruminating a lot and it seems to have hit you or exposed self-esteem stuff that needs dealing with. I wonder if you could choose to reframe how you are thinking about the relationship and breakup.  I think that is KEY: to manage your thoughts.  Right now you sound like you are catastrophizing almost everything. I think you have a choice about how much you turn up the VOLUME on how this current moment impacts your life. Right now, IMO, you are giving it/her a tremendous amount of weight.   I also think you are putting a ton of focus on her vs. on yourself--which you need to start putting it on yourself. Statements wondering about what she is doing/where she is/why she did what she did aren't putting yourself first. Statements of worry that you will be lonely or what will the neighbors think are more you-focused and that IMO is where you should put some of your focus. I keep saying you sort of need a structured plan for your days. I like that you dealt immediately with getting the counselor. What if you set aside 30-60 minutes per day (as it's so new and top of your mind) to ACTIVELY think about the relationship and write down your thoughts (privately)?  Then with the rest of the day, when those ruminating thoughts come up and obsessing about the why's and your romantic future and impact on your core, you can catch yourself and say to yourself "oh that's for my 6pm brain dump".  This will keep you from spinning as much and help you compartmentalize something that SHOULD be compartmentalized. Keep a to-do list of all the other tasks you need to get done and sort of attack those or cross things off the list. Due to the fact that you were living together, there will likely be stuff on that list that relates to her, such as "pack up her stuff". 

About her stuff--IMO, the faster you get it out of there, the better. Don't lie to yourself about keeping ties via her stuff so that the drama with her or in your head keeps going. I'm all for Fedex, UPS or DHL in this situation. Could you send it to her parents or a sibling's house?  Or let me guess since "she has no place to go"...she has broken relationships with them as well?  This is a common trail of destruction left by someone who is an opportunist and cares first and foremost about herself.   Not all bad of course as a person, but trending in that bad direction.  Lol why haven't you changed the locks already? see you have plenty to do.

I'm going to look through your post--there's a lot to respond to but yeah you have to start with your thought patterns and how you characterize what happens to you. An outsider might characterize this as one of the best things that ever happened to you because it sent you on another path/collision course with the girl that is right for you and much need self-growth. 

[Ami1uwant]

58 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

That is true. If we did have a child, she could have used that as control/manipulation. She didn’t have any boundaries with the dog.

Why can’t I realise the breakup was for the best? Even if she was still here and we didn’t argue on Sunday, she still wouldn’t have wanted kids, still wouldn’t have wanted marriage; still wouldn’t have wanted sex. I’m as bad as her as my head is just telling me her being here for the sake of it would have been better than doing the right thing and separating.
 

my brother told me to make a list of pros and cons of the breakup. 

Pros 

can one day find someone who wants the same things. Very critical from day 1.

Don’t have to answer to anybody else or feel bad about running my business 

Don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to be close and supported.

Don’t have to stress about if she’s cheating or not 

I get my space back 

Expenses will reduce

 

Cons 

Lonely 

Feel bad about how everything ended

Work will suffer (at least short term)

The dog may miss her 

Another bad relationship experience 

Explaining to people what happened

Negative thoughts 

Trust issues worsened 

Feel used and not enjoying things I used to

need to pay for counselling 

Not knowing what will happen next. Where is she? What is she planning, hopefully no drama. 

The list is a good thing.

 

how much financial support werr you giving her beyond the free housing?  She might have stayed with you because she got free housing and didn’t have to pay much for food, wster, electricity, etc. dhe coukd save a bunch of money.

 

this is something to watch out for. Youare good enough to live together with for the time being but always looking fir the upgrade model to come around.

 

It’s important to  talk about things early on. Wanting/ having kids is critical.  Don’t word it as a leading question implying what’s important to you but make it more open minded so they don’t know ehat you want to hear and thrn use those responses to decide if this us someone who have the same foundational items before pursuing something more serious.  Never assume you will change their mind.

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What is bugging me is I genuinely believe all that she will be upset about right now is the fact she doesn’t have a free home. I know you don’t know me, but I promise you I would be incapable of lying the way she did. When we argued six months ago about her ex texting her (his number wasn’t saved and I couldn’t see any previous convo) I accepted her explanation that he contacted her out of the blue. The next day when we were in the car, she connected her phone and it was on aeroplane mode (means you can’t get notifications). I confronted her about this and she lied about this and said she didn’t know it was on that and she doesn’t know what aeroplane mode is. She never admitted she did it willingly, she kind of said I didn’t want you to get hurt by people texting me, which is nonsense. I don’t for one minute believe she was visiting anyone behind my back as she was always at home with me. I then just wondered why she was in contact, what they were talking about etc, which are all unhelpful thoughts. 

Again I hate typing this as I’m portraying myself as the victim, however, should I have finished things then? In relationships going forward (hopefully one day I heal)  I would expect people not to have dodgy contacts with their ex. 

You have highlighted we were incompatible, which I guess any outsider would have told me. She didn’t seem fussed to get married or have a family, so we were just in limbo. She didn’t seem to want to work with me in business, yet she didn’t have a career dream of her own. I don’t know what she wanted. My fear is she is calculated, which is very distressing. I would like to think we were both genuine and did wrong against each other, not that she never cared and used me. 
 

I am struggling to enjoy things on my own, which is a huge problem. Buying a house was a very proud achievement, I should enjoy it regardless of her, but it now feels empty and full of bad memories. The same with work. Her role was very small, but I felt I had someone to talk to (even though she didn’t care) now I have no one. 

So (to the bolded) see, one of your deepest fears/upset is that you feel used?  If you accept that this could be part of the reason, it will allow you to DEAL with it.  You are sort of leaving it in thought limbo as if you could go back in time and make it not be true or that you are more worthy (and a good person) who does not deserved to be duped/taken advantage of....Good people who do a ton of the right things STILL get taken advantage of all the time! Your situation is not unique and the fact that you've experienced it and been affected by it is now a SIGN that you need to protect yourself better, create better boundaries and manage your way through opportunities where you "might" get taken advantage of. Those aren't necessarily going to completely go away in life--hopefully, it will never be to a bad extent but there is always some compromise and where you have to advocate for yourself in everything, including romantic relationships! Here's another way to look at that: IF you stand up for yourself, advocate for yourself regularly, do you think that makes you more attractive to potential partners or less? More! It will require speaking up and communicating--which do you think that will lead to more balanced relationships or less balanced? More balanced, healthier---or a quicker way to find out if the other person is not for you.

Um, you sort of have to stop wanting concrete answers about the ex-bf..It's helpful to go with the "most likely" scenario whenever you are analyzing past experiences for which you may never get the real answer.  Most likely she was hiding something about her texting with him prior to the recent breakup up. Who doesn't know what airplane mode is????? sounds like a lie and that probably means it most likely was and was a cover for texting she didn't want to come through when you were in the car together.

To the other bolded...it seems like you are looking for ABSOLUTES in a situation where there rarely are absolutes. Relationships are usually more complicated than an absolute answer. You can "accept" that at times you each had genuine feelings and at times you each wronged each other, at times she cared about you and at times she did not, at times she used you and at times it was genuine...All things can be true.  All that you really need to truly accept is that all of this can be true and YET it is still OVER....even seemingly by your choice which is a good thing!  Have to see yourself as the creator of the life you have and therefore it will require that you make decisions rather than let decisions be made onto you. Sometimes that means the decisions will be swift or uncomfortable or without as much certainty that you would like.

It's day 2, so of course you are struggling to enjoy things on your own.. Most people would be. You'd have to strive to get to neutral and then you can start having more positive moments. It's pretty common also that people will get things such a house or their dream car or even into a relationship and then drop back down to the set point of happiness.  IMO, that also has to do with self-worth. A great house and big achievement of that sort won't fill you up if you feel empty...and even when you don't! It's a temporary high and then the brain moves onto the next goal--sort of . Lesson to learn with that (strive for experiences and relationships with others, not only romantic ones). As well as the thing you realized about yourself that maybe you like companionship during your workday. That's an easy fix--hire the right person to do in tandem with you. 

Ok more later if I see things where you can change your thinking.

 

[Ami1uwant]

Ex SO can still be friends.  The reason is because there were genuine incompatibilities when it comes to LTR that aren’t a factor in friendship. Some of these are….

1. religious views

2. wanting kids d how they are raised.

3. what they want in life. Where they want to live. If you both want kids but are from different areas you each might want to settle down near family support.  One can be in a job thst has a very limited job market in only thr largest cities while the other has a career they can work anywhere.

4. diet/ food choices.  It can be a big problem if one is vegetarian and the other isn’t giving up meat 

5. agreement on politics/ core values

6. something is important to one that the other can’t tolerate. Thus can be many things like one is an avid hunter and the other hates it. One lob es dogs and cats while the other is allergic and can’t live with them.

 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

For now, the best thing to do is to be kind to yourself. Make a conscious decision to push pause on your racing thoughts and breathe deeply. Distract yourself with work, exercise, friends. It will be ok. With time, you will gain a little better perspective - 

Thank you, you’re right. I’ve worked myself up into an almost emergency state. Haven’t eaten in over 24 hours, barely slept. I am trying to move forward. I went to work but broke down, so that didn’t help. I’m more angry and confused  than sad, which is causing issues. I miss the idea of her, I don’t miss her. 

I hope the session on Friday is useful. I just need to regain perspective and look at the good things about myself. If no one ever broke up, there wouldn’t be a thing such as being single. I am acting like I’m the only person in the world this has happened to. I made mistakes also in the relationship. However, I never lied to her. Also, the lesson I’ve learnt is not to hide my own desires/worries to avoid upsetting someone. If we don’t want the same things it can’t work.