What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[stju3006]

Healing takes time to get over a break up. Be kind to yourself, and stop blaming her for everything. Both parties has flaws and communication issues of wants and needs in the relationship. At the times you form a relationship with her, you know you were getting into because she told you what she wanted in the relationship and you accepted her terms and conditions. Now you feel like she is using you. I don't think she is using you. I think she got bored in the relationship and she resorted to cheating and its wrong on her part. So stop morphing around and started taking care of yourself. Keep yourself busy. Trust me, time will heal all wounds. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by stju3006

[Lamron300]

It has now been two months and I haven’t heard from her regarding collecting her stuff. I keep delaying contacting her as I don’t want to speak with her. It’s a vicious cycle. 
 

I’ve also being trying to keep myself busy (apart from work) but feeling very overwhelmed to just fill everyday doing something social. I have given up on online dating as it just doesn’t work for me. I want to meet people in real life, however, my hobbies have very few females there. 

[basil67]

It may be that she has no intention of collecting her stuff.  Is any of it particularly valuable?  She may be finding it easier to just let it go rather than deal with it.

[Kassieee]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It has now been two months and I haven’t heard from her regarding collecting her stuff. I keep delaying contacting her as I don’t want to speak with her. It’s a vicious cycle. 
 

I’ve also being trying to keep myself busy (apart from work) but feeling very overwhelmed to just fill everyday doing something social. I have given up on online dating as it just doesn’t work for me. I want to meet people in real life, however, my hobbies have very few females there. 

She must not care to get her things back then. Sell her stuff lol.

Find out the laws though.

Edited March 19, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

That's pretty darned crumby that you're paying for her storage, and she hasn't made an attempt to go get her stuff back. Is there a lot of stuff in there? It would be great if you could just ship it to her. Rather than paying for storage and dealing with all the fuss.

 

 

 

[Kassieee]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It has now been two months and I haven’t heard from her regarding collecting her stuff. I keep delaying contacting her as I don’t want to speak with her. It’s a vicious cycle. 
 

I’ve also being trying to keep myself busy (apart from work) but feeling very overwhelmed to just fill everyday doing something social. I have given up on online dating as it just doesn’t work for me. I want to meet people in real life, however, my hobbies have very few females there. 

Is she alive? Maybe something happened to her. Have you checked socials.

Edited March 19, 2023 by justaskingok

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 I keep delaying contacting her as I don’t want to speak with her. It’s a vicious cycle. 

You would feel a lot better if you contacted her in writing once and for all with the details about her stuff and gave a final notice about it, especially since you took it upon yourself to place her stuff in a storage unit. Why not research the best way to dispose of the situation legally? 

[Lamron300]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

It may be that she has no intention of collecting her stuff.  Is any of it particularly valuable?  She may be finding it easier to just let it go rather than deal with it.

She has a valuable iMac, but it is slow so she uses her laptop. A valuable hoover. She also loved her houseplants. Letting go of the anger has been easier as I have avoided social media, if I then go looking to see where she may be I don’t think it’s a good idea. She’s been in UK for ten years but only has one good friend I can think of. She most likely went back home. She pretended to give me my keys back so maybe she thought she would come back one time, I don’t know. It’s unnecessary stress. 

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's pretty darned crumby that you're paying for her storage, and she hasn't made an attempt to go get her stuff back. Is there a lot of stuff in there? It would be great if you could just ship it to her. Rather than paying for storage and dealing with all the fuss.

 

 

 

I’m paying £110 ($134) every four weeks for her stuff. There isn’t loads of stuff, she took her key things on the day she left. 

When we would have arguments in the past she would say things like I’m going to stay with you just to make your life miserable as you’re too scared to end things with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is some sort of revenge. 
 

 

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You would feel a lot better if you contacted her in writing once and for all with the details about her stuff and gave a final notice about it, especially since you took it upon yourself to place her stuff in a storage unit. Why not research the best way to dispose of the situation legally? 

I’m paying £110 ($134) for every four weeks her stuff is in storage. They told me if I stop paying then it will be disposed of (which I have to pay for). 
 

Part of the reason I’ve been able to function since the breakup is I haven’t had to speak to her. It was very volatile at the end. She chucked a hoody with a zip at my head and caused me an injury. I have tried to avoid any contact.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She has a valuable iMac, but it is slow so she uses her laptop. A valuable hoover. She also loved her houseplants. Letting go of the anger has been easier as I have avoided social media, if I then go looking to see where she may be I don’t think it’s a good idea. She’s been in UK for ten years but only has one good friend I can think of. She most likely went back home. She pretended to give me my keys back so maybe she thought she would come back one time, I don’t know. It’s unnecessary stress. 

OK, so a slow computer is a useless computer and the houseplants will be dead.  So the only thing worth having is the vacuum and my guess is that she's abandoned it. Keep or donate the vacuum, recycle or donate the computer, throw out the plants.

To be fair, you've brought this stress on yourself by not confirming what she wanted done with her stuff. If you'd given a couple of days notice to leave, she may well have taken them.   Instead, you threw her out without notice and made the unilateral decision to pay for storage.  Yes, I get that you didn't want to communicate, but this lack of communication is now costing you money and adding to your stress.  Perhaps she's not even living somewhere where it's convenient to collect the stuff?  Or she just wants nothing to do with it?  

 

[Lamron300]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, so a slow computer is a useless computer and the houseplants will be dead.  So the only thing worth having is the vacuum and my guess is that she's abandoned it. Keep or donate the vacuum, recycle or donate the computer, throw out the plants.

To be fair, you've brought this stress on yourself by not confirming what she wanted done with her stuff. If you'd given a couple of days notice to leave, she may well have taken them.   Instead, you threw her out without notice and made the unilateral decision to pay for storage.  Yes, I get that you didn't want to communicate, but this lack of communication is now costing you money and adding to your stress.  Perhaps she's not even living somewhere where it's convenient to collect the stuff?  Or she just wants nothing to do with it?  

 

It was a very volatile ending so there is no way I could have been around her any longer. The computer is slow but still cost 💲 1000. House plants are now dead. Other stuff is her clothes and some pictures. 
 

Best bet is she went back to her country to live with her parents for a while, so in that case the stuff wouldn’t be useful. I think I need to get a grip and on Monday give her a deadline to collect her stuff. I don’t want anything to do with her but I can’t finish the situation until her stuff is either collected or disposed of. 
 

In previous arguments she always said to me where is she supposed to go etc, but that isn’t my problem. If it was the other way round I would have to work stuff out myself. 
 

2.5 years ago she cried and said she wanted to leave her job of ten years (out of the blue) she put pressure on me to give her a job even though I hadn’t even made $1000 from my business at this point. I ended up having to make her a role where all she did was take photos as she didn’t want to talk to clients or do anything hard. She wanted an easy job but now things are over she was complaining about not having money despite getting paid every month for doing nothing and having no bills. 

Edited March 19, 2023 by Lamron300

[basil67]

You'll feel a whole lot better once you've made some positive action on all of this.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m paying £110 ($134) every four weeks for her stuff. There isn’t loads of stuff, she took her key things on the day she left. 

When we would have arguments in the past she would say things like I’m going to stay with you just to make your life miserable as you’re too scared to end things with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is some sort of revenge. 
 

 

It is certainly possible to feel like this is a form of revenge or power play, but it's important not to jump to conclusions. Is there any other evidence of this?

It is best to be direct, specific and clear about what you would like to happen and the timeline you have in mind. Did you provide her with a deadline? Look, you can't keep this going indefinitely. Why not just return them to her via mail? To be frank, it appears to be a small number of items.

[Lamron300]

On 3/19/2023 at 9:56 PM, Alpacalia said:

It is certainly possible to feel like this is a form of revenge or power play, but it's important not to jump to conclusions. Is there any other evidence of this?

It is best to be direct, specific and clear about what you would like to happen and the timeline you have in mind. Did you provide her with a deadline? Look, you can't keep this going indefinitely. Why not just return them to her via mail? To be frank, it appears to be a small number of items.

I still have not heard from her. It has been over two months now. I keep saying to myself every Sunday I am going to put the last thing in storage (her sofa) but I never have the energy or it gets shoved to the back of my priorities.

Like I said, in arguments she would say I’m going to stay with you to drive you crazy as you’re too scared to break up with me. I don’t know why she wouldn’t make any plans to collect her stuff. In every argument we had over past year she would pack her bags and then say she has nowhere to go and that she pretended to book hotels for a reaction. Even on the day of the breakup she was up to her same tricks. She only knew I was 100% not changing my mind this time when I caught her for cheating. 

[semble]

You're going to store her sofa on top of all of the rest of her stuff you're storing and paying for?

Makes zero sense.

You'll spend multiples of what the stuff is worth until you finally just toss all of it anyway.

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2023 by semble

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I still have not heard from her. It has been over two months now. 

Has she seen your message telling her what you're doing with her stuff?    

If she has seen it but didn't respond, I'd send one final message (and make sure she sees/hears it) that if no pickup arrangements have been made within the week, you'll donate it all to goodwill or pay it forward on FB.  Don't throw good money after bad. 

Importantly don't have her stuff destroyed without having made reasonable effort to get in contact with her lest you find yourself on Judge Judy with her claiming the value of her stuff.  This may mean trying a different method to contact her, preferably over the phone so that firm decisions can be made together.

Edited March 28, 2023 by basil67

[IrinaM]

14 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I still have not heard from her. It has been over two months now. I keep saying to myself every Sunday I am going to put the last thing in storage (her sofa) but I never have the energy or it gets shoved to the back of my priorities.

if nothing changes, nothing changes.

[JTSW]

On 3/19/2023 at 7:05 PM, Lamron300 said:

I’m paying £110 ($134) for every four weeks her stuff is in storage.

Stop doing this.

It's a waste of time and money.

Take it all out and put it all in the trash. 

You gave her plenty of warnings (with evidence to back it up) so its tough.

Be done with all once and for all.

Do you have a local rubbish tip?

[Alpacalia]

On 3/28/2023 at 2:05 PM, Lamron300 said:

I still have not heard from her. It has been over two months now. I keep saying to myself every Sunday I am going to put the last thing in storage (her sofa) but I never have the energy or it gets shoved to the back of my priorities.

Like I said, in arguments she would say I’m going to stay with you to drive you crazy as you’re too scared to break up with me. I don’t know why she wouldn’t make any plans to collect her stuff. In every argument we had over past year she would pack her bags and then say she has nowhere to go and that she pretended to book hotels for a reaction. Even on the day of the breakup she was up to her same tricks. She only knew I was 100% not changing my mind this time when I caught her for cheating. 

So what do you intend to do?

[IrinaM]

13 hours ago, JTSW said:

You gave her plenty of warnings (with evidence to back it up) so its tough.

i could be mistaken but I don't think he has.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/28/2023 at 5:05 PM, Lamron300 said:

. In every argument we had over past year she would pack her bags and then say she has nowhere to go 

It sounds like she tried to flee several times, so maybe she just doesn't care about the stuff she left behind or doesn't have a place to move it to. 

[Lamron300]

Hi,

So I call the storage place this morning and they have gone back on their word and said that they won't contact her on my behalf. They said if I want to stop paying for the storage, that is fine but then I need to give 14 days written notice. Part of the recovery process from the breakup has been helped by not having to speak to her or hear from her. She put me in so many stressful situations over the years, that I am now just glad to be done with it. I can't really be done with it though, except she collects her stuff. I am going to have to push myself to message her sternly tomorrow. I don't know what to do if she doesn't pick up her stuff.

I don't think in my initial post I actually laid out all the facts, which makes it a bit more difficult to understand the full situation.

We met 2.5 years ago. During lockdown we decided to stay together. My first real issue with her was I said to her its nice to spend a longer period of time together, she then said hmm I like having my own space. Then suddenly after lockdown had finished she cried and said she doesn't want to go back to her job of TEN YEARS. She begged me to work for me, even though I had just started up my business and I had no use for her. She said she didn't like speaking to people...therefore there wasn't any role I could give her. I ended up being persuaded and just letting her take my photographs for the reports I have to write after carrying out an inspection on a property. She then moved in with me. I had resentment towards her and I told her this as I said now it suits you, you want to move in, but before you said you needed your own space. She never had an answer to that.

Fast forward to Christmas 2020 and we had a big argument. She got a message on facebook and I questioned her about, I have experienced several liars and cheaters and when my gut tells me something is off, it usually is. She said oh its just a colleague blah blah blah. She managed to convince me. July 2022 the same thing happened, caught her messaging her ex. She went as far as to put her phone on aeroplane mode to hide the texting and then claim she didn't know what aeroplane mode was. I wanted her out, she then again somehow managed to convince me. She said she would change her mobile number etc. I think I was so stressed at the time by work and I was scared of having to 'start again' that I stupidly believed her. And as you all know, for the final time on the day I kicked her out I found out she was still messaging this whole time. 

What inflames the situation more is she actively tried to stop me from having the things I want in life. Not with her, but in general. For example, before I bought my current house I was looking at 2 or 3 bedroom houses. When I mentioned that she got angry and said 'WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?!!" like it is a crime to want to futureproof the biggest purchase of my life.  She told me not to get a second dog.. she told me to reject EIGHT jobs a month (when I had first started my business) for no reason. She told me we don't need kids because I have a dog. She wanted so much control over my life. She didn't contribute a single penny to anything, yet wanted to act like she had a big say. Till I joined this forum I couldn't speak about these things because I haven't felt comfortable to speak to anyone I know about these things. The first time we randomly talked about marriage, she said 'Oh god imagine being with the same person for the rest of your life'. In therapy the therapist said the relationship had run its course. Which yes its true, but usually you can just go your separate ways, she is making it difficult. I ask myself, what does she think has happened to her stuff? How does she know I didn't put it on a bonfire. She pretended to give me the keys to my house back on the day we broke up so all I can think is she has gone back to her home country and thinks maybe in 6-12 months she will come here and get anything she needs.

My problem isn't even that she didn't want kids or marriage (some people don't), is she tried to manipulate me and stop me from having those things with anyone else. As I mentioned before she also cried that I didn't put her on my mortgage. Why would anyone put someone they are dating (for a relatively short period) , have a volatile relationship with and no sign of commitment, tie myself financially for 35 years with her. Her only reasoning is what if we break up....

She didn't offer any alternative vision. No kids, no marriage, ok fine, but what do you want? All she wanted is me to pay for everything and give her security. There was also no sex in the relationship. Only one time she was honest and said she had a low libido, every other time she would gaslight me and say oh well you didn't do the dishes or you did this or did that. I then gave up.

How do you see the next 5-10 years. No answer. She would complain about work all the time, even though her job was not even a real job. Since we broke up, it is 1 million times faster for me to take photos myself than telling someone else what to take a photo of. 

I have done every suggestion people recommend on this forum. Take up new hobbies, go to therapy, change all the locks on the house etc. A lot of those have helped and not having to see/speak/hear from her has helped as well. That has suppressed the really negative, hatred and strong emotions. What is threatening my peace of mind is her stupid things. I know she doesn't care about them as they don't have any real value, but the kind of person she is, I know she is getting kicks out of her stuff still being here. She said to me once I am going to stay with you just to make your life miserable.

Sorry for the rant but you can see why I am avoiding anything to do with that woman. I am hoping therapy will help, but it is more kind of validating my uncomfortable feelings about this situation. 

Edited April 1, 2023 by Lamron300

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Hi,

So I call the storage place this morning and they have gone back on their word and said that they won't contact her on my behalf. They said if I want to stop paying for the storage, that is fine but then I need to give 14 days written notice. Part of the recovery process from the breakup has been helped by not having to speak to her or hear from her. She put me in so many stressful situations over the years, that I am now just glad to be done with it. I can't really be done with it though, except she collects her stuff. I am going to have to push myself to message her sternly tomorrow. I don't know what to do if she doesn't pick up her stuff.

Yeah, I'm not surprised that they won't contact her...I am very surprised that someone actually told you that they would do it in the first place.  They are in the job of storage, not negotiating pickups stemming from broken relationships.

Make a concerted effort to get in contact with a final date for collection (I suggest 30 days would be reasonable)   It's essential to try more than one method of contact, so send your message on text, email and social media - you need to make sure she has no grounds to sue you if you trash/give away her stuff.  Of course, if she's blocked you on all methods, then you're covered. 

As for what to do with it, if you give it away for free, people will come and collect so you don't have to mess about with trucks or pay anyone to dispose of it.   Put it a Facebook 'pay it forward' page and it will be gone in no time.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

. I am going to have to push myself to message her sternly tomorrow. I know she doesn't care about them as they don't have any real value, 

It seems like fleeing the situation was more important to her than whatever stuff she left behind. Perhaps, like you,  she figured no contact with you was the best option.  She probably doesn't care about it that much. 

Whatever the case. Be neutral. Zero emotions. No damning words. Businesslike.  Simply state in writing that her stuff is at such-and-such place (phone, address) and CC the place.  Then figure out how you can untangle yourself from this storage unit legally. 

Once you finalize this loose end, you may feel some relief.

Edited April 2, 2023 by Wiseman2