What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[Lamron300]

Ok I have bad news. I was looking at some google reviews of my friends company which my ex-partner left a good review for him whilst we were still together. I decided to just click on her profile. I saw she has left a google review for a tattoo parlour where she got her nose pierced 2 months ago. The parlour is fairly local to me, meaning she is in close proximity but REFUSES to pick her stuff up. I was doing very well and forgetting about all the bad things she said/done to me, till today. The storage fees I have been paying have gone from $138 to $240 every four weeks. I will no longer pay for her crap. I have e-mailed her saying she has till 10th May to pick her stuff up or it will be disposed of. I don't know what to do if she doesn't reply. I can't remember being so angry in my life.

I was thinking maybe she went back to her home country for a while. She has been fairly local and posting on social media!!

[IrinaM]

Stay calm. This really isn't a big deal.

To recap:

You broke up with someone three months ago, and you've paid for three months of her storage. You contacted her for the first time since the breakup today and let her know she has twelve days to collect her items from storage.

That sounds fine to me. Typical breakup, there is some emotional pain and inconvenience and financial costs involved.

One last thing, which you have been repeatedly advised to do, is that you should take steps to be sure your actions are in compliance with legalities in your area. This doesn't need to be anything lengthy, there is a website called avvo (not affiliated at all) or you can google and find a similar service. But there are laws in your area about notifications of disposal of property and notifications and such. You're probably fine (it sounds like you're being reasonable) but maybe double check. For instance, it could be that the law in your area requires thirty or sixty days notice which could give her cause of action. Just be sure.

Also, please stop with the self-pity. I haven't wanted to say this before, but now I will. In your early posts you described a disintegrating relationship and that you repeatedly told her that you "don't feel supported." (Which is another way to tell someone that they aren't a good partner, basically.) You have also described, in veiled terms, a heated argument in which she texted her ex to come get her. The terms of the relationship seem a little vague- she lived with you, but apparently only stashed items there that she didn't really need. (Hence, she could just up & leave at a moment's notice and never look back.) She worked for you, but only did unimportant tasks that you could do yourself even better. It seems like this situation was built for failure, and so, well, it failed. I don't see how that's the fault of one individual. Maybe choosing to take personal accountability going forward is the best course of action for you. If you can build a business, you can build the personal life you want.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

. I have e-mailed her saying she has till 10th May to pick her stuff up or it will be disposed of. 

You did the right thing giving her written notice. Then you can cut ties and have some peace. Sounds like you dodged a bullet in the long run.

Edited April 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lamron300]

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Stay calm. This really isn't a big deal.

To recap:

You broke up with someone three months ago, and you've paid for three months of her storage. You contacted her for the first time since the breakup today and let her know she has twelve days to collect her items from storage.

That sounds fine to me. Typical breakup, there is some emotional pain and inconvenience and financial costs involved.

One last thing, which you have been repeatedly advised to do, is that you should take steps to be sure your actions are in compliance with legalities in your area. This doesn't need to be anything lengthy, there is a website called avvo (not affiliated at all) or you can google and find a similar service. But there are laws in your area about notifications of disposal of property and notifications and such. You're probably fine (it sounds like you're being reasonable) but maybe double check. For instance, it could be that the law in your area requires thirty or sixty days notice which could give her cause of action. Just be sure.

Also, please stop with the self-pity. I haven't wanted to say this before, but now I will. In your early posts you described a disintegrating relationship and that you repeatedly told her that you "don't feel supported." (Which is another way to tell someone that they aren't a good partner, basically.) You have also described, in veiled terms, a heated argument in which she texted her ex to come get her. The terms of the relationship seem a little vague- she lived with you, but apparently only stashed items there that she didn't really need. (Hence, she could just up & leave at a moment's notice and never look back.) She worked for you, but only did unimportant tasks that you could do yourself even better. It seems like this situation was built for failure, and so, well, it failed. I don't see how that's the fault of one individual. Maybe choosing to take personal accountability going forward is the best course of action for you. If you can build a business, you can build the personal life you want.

Hi,

It is more complicated than that. For instance, my brother broke up with his gf in August. She is originally from Croatia. She went back there for 1 month. Came back and collected her stuff from his garage and that was that. My ex has been living locally (has money to pierce her nose and whatever else) but hasn’t bothered to collect her stuff. It’s 90% of her clothes, her iMac, mirror, sofa, sentimental photos from her family etc. All she took on the day she left was toothbrushes, skincare, laptop and a few clothes. 

She has been making ‘tik Tok’ videos, one where she calls me a psycho! 

Do you know how many things she stopped me from doing during the course of the relationship? loads!  

I was tolerant with so many things and have had them thrown back in my face by her. 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Ok I have bad news. I was looking at some google reviews of my friends company which my ex-partner left a good review for him whilst we were still together. I decided to just click on her profile. I saw she has left a google review for a tattoo parlour where she got her nose pierced 2 months ago. The parlour is fairly local to me, meaning she is in close proximity but REFUSES to pick her stuff up. I was doing very well and forgetting about all the bad things she said/done to me, till today. The storage fees I have been paying have gone from $138 to $240 every four weeks. I will no longer pay for her crap. I have e-mailed her saying she has till 10th May to pick her stuff up or it will be disposed of. I don't know what to do if she doesn't reply. I can't remember being so angry in my life.

I was thinking maybe she went back to her home country for a while. She has been fairly local and posting on social media!!

Unfortunately, you set this situation up yourself.  You threw her out with no notice and without even a discussion about the logistics of her moving out.  You didn't care if she had nowhere to go.   That you chose to pay for the storage instead of giving her time to make arrangements before she left is on you.   I do think that your temper got the better of you, you acted impulsively, and you're now suffering the consequences.  

On to practicalities, how will she access her stuff?  You say that she REFUSES to collect it, but have you given her the key?  Or have you offered different times (or asked her to contact you to arrange a mutually appropriate) that you would be available to give her access?   This all has to be in the communications you send her.   Further, did you advise what would happen to her stuff if she doesn't collect it by May 10?    You need to make a full plan and let her know what it is.

And for the love of god, if she doesn't collect it, please donate it instead of destroying it.  Let something good come of all this mess.

Edited April 29, 2023 by basil67

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunately, you set this situation up yourself.  You threw her out with no notice and without even a discussion about the logistics of her moving out.  You didn't care if she had nowhere to go.   That you chose to pay for the storage instead of giving her time to make arrangements before she left is on you.   I do think that your temper got the better of you, you acted impulsively, and you're now suffering the consequences.  

On to practicalities, how will she access her stuff?  You say that she REFUSES to collect it, but have you given her the key?  Or have you offered different times (or asked her to contact you to arrange a mutually appropriate) that you would be available to give her access?   This all has to be in the communications you send her.   Further, did you advise what would happen to her stuff if she doesn't collect it by May 10?    You need to make a full plan and let her know what it is.

And for the love of god, if she doesn't collect it, please donate it instead of destroying it.  Let something good come of all this mess.

She didn't ask me for time to arrange her stuff. She asked me to stay and continue leeching off me. She actually cried when I removed her from MY bank account. 

I didn't throw her out. you haven't even read the thread. She said she was leaving and she then paid for an Airbnb with my money, which she said was an accident. She then refunded that money. She isn't a poor victim here, she is 34 years old and has 2 years worth of wages saved up I had been paying her (she didn't pay for any bills, mortgage or rent). She also had this ex she has cheated on me numerous times to go to... So sorry if I sound angry when you say ' I kicked her out with nowhere to go'. 

There is a code for her to access her stuff and I put her name on the account, all she needs to do is show them ID. She still has not responded to my email, however, has time to make silly videos on tik tok.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/15/2023 at 10:39 AM, Lamron300 said:

 I then lost it and demand she leave today. She had to leave with what she could and now I need to think how to send the rest of her stuff as I don't EVER want to see her again.

 I don't want the police involved but I don't want her on my property to collect any belongings.

This is where it went sideways. After throwing her out, you wouldn't let her collect her belongings or communicate a time to come get them. She didn't ask you to store her stuff and you refused to let her collect it.

Finally 3 mos. later you sent her the storage info so it's out of your hands.  

It doesn't matter what she's doing now. Her stuff is her problem. It seems like you're both happy to be out of each other's lives. 

Be glad this chapter is finally closed. 

[JTSW]

Look, this isn't bad news.

She's local which means she has just been ignoring you.

Just get rid of all her stuff and be done with it.

Tell her you gave her enough warnings but now it's too late and its gone.

Be done with her. 

If she loses her stuff that's her problem, not yours. 

I don't know what you are hoping for continually holding onto her stuff, but you need to be done with it.

Stop looking her up.

[IrinaM]

Unfortunately one email hardly counts as "written communication." You have no idea whether she has read this or not.

The problem is that you think your grief, anger, and disappointment is the greatest factor to consider in the breakup. That's not how breakups work. First, you need to set aside all your negative feelings long enough to tie up the loose ends. And you haven't done that.

It doesn't matter if your brother's ex somehow did everything better than your ex. You need to handle your reality, now. Judging from your other thread about a woman you went out with once who didn't want a second date, you do not handle disappointment well. This is a good skill to develop. When things don't go your way, your still have to handle your end of the responsibilities like an adult.

The truth is, you could easily contact her and arrange a time to return her items to her. You could have done that already. It would cost you a little bit of money, maybe renting a truck or something, and take some time, maybe an afternoon. There would be some emotional pain in seeing her one last time. But the matter would have been long over. I think the greater issue is you just don't want to.

[Weezy1973]

So then you’ve decided not to take an accountability for the situation OP? 

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I didn't throw her out. you haven't even read the thread. 

I have read the thread.  You said "I lost it and demanded that she leave today"   That is the very definition of throwing someone out without making plans for her to transition her stuff.   

And honestly, it's reasonable that you pay for her accommodation in lieu of giving her a reasonable amount of notice to leave.  Had you given her a couple of weeks to find a new place....and fix the bank accounts so that she doesn't have access to your cards...she wouldn't have used your card to pay for somewhere to live.

That she hasn't responded to you is not about a lack of time to do so.  Rather, it's likely got far more to do with her thinking that you're a "psycho" (in her words)

Edited April 29, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I think the greater issue is you just don't want to.

Agree.

It's common for you to enter into a diatribe about your ex (which I purposely choose to ignore and not respond to) whenever you have been offered ways and suggestions to return her items.

You've been holding on to her items and complaining because you don't want to face her and confront the reality of the situation. Despite the fact that it is a negative association. The only way you feel you can keep her close to you is to do this. The time has come to move on and let go. A part of you is afraid to part with her belongings, and in some ways, it feels as if you are leaving her behind. We understand that it is difficult to let go, but holding on to her items does not mean holding on to her. Take the necessary steps to move on and start a new chapter in your life.

I have never seen such difficulty returning belongings to someone. LET IT GO.

 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree.

It's common for you to enter into a diatribe about your ex (which I purposely choose to ignore and not respond to) whenever you have been offered ways and suggestions to return her items.

You've been holding on to her items and complaining because you don't want to face her and confront the reality of the situation. Despite the fact that it is a negative association. The only way you feel you can keep her close to you is to do this. The time has come to move on and let go. A part of you is afraid to part with her belongings, and in some ways, it feels as if you are leaving her behind. We understand that it is difficult to let go, but holding on to her items does not mean holding on to her. Take the necessary steps to move on and start a new chapter in your life.

I have never seen such difficulty returning belongings to someone. LET IT GO.

 

Believe me, I have zero intention to hold on to her. The only mistake I’ve made is not dealing with the issue promptly. I thought I would give things time to settle, I was wrong. If she doesn’t collect her stuff by 10th May, they are going in the bin. 

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Unfortunately one email hardly counts as "written communication." You have no idea whether she has read this or not.

The problem is that you think your grief, anger, and disappointment is the greatest factor to consider in the breakup. That's not how breakups work. First, you need to set aside all your negative feelings long enough to tie up the loose ends. And you haven't done that.

It doesn't matter if your brother's ex somehow did everything better than your ex. You need to handle your reality, now. Judging from your other thread about a woman you went out with once who didn't want a second date, you do not handle disappointment well. This is a good skill to develop. When things don't go your way, your still have to handle your end of the responsibilities like an adult.

The truth is, you could easily contact her and arrange a time to return her items to her. You could have done that already. It would cost you a little bit of money, maybe renting a truck or something, and take some time, maybe an afternoon. There would be some emotional pain in seeing her one last time. But the matter would have been long over. I think the greater issue is you just don't want to.

Sorry, I would rather walk on glass than do that. Apart from the fact I’m very busy, it is clear she doesn’t need/want her stuff. The only things of monetary value is her hoover and computer, which she seems to be living fine without. What prompted me to actually stop procrastinating on the situation is my therapist asked me what I would say to her if she said she was paying for storage for her ex’s belongings. It made me realise the situation is stupid. 

I compromised on calling her as I didn’t want to do that, so I sent a polite email. I’m not trying to get back with her and she isn’t trying to get back with me, so really she only thing unresolved is her stuff. 10th May is plenty time for her to arrange to collect it. The storage staff are friendly and only need to see ID. 
 

Apart from the heat of the moment where things are said and done, I’ve been more than kind paying to store her possessions safely. Someone else would have chucked them a long time ago. 

[Mrin]

13 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Believe me, I have zero intention to hold on to her. The only mistake I’ve made is not dealing with the issue promptly. I thought I would give things time to settle, I was wrong. If she doesn’t collect her stuff by 10th May, they are going in the bin. 

Something to try on: when a relationship ends, I sever all logistical ties immediately. Within days if not hours, all entanglements are untangled. Things are returned. Social media contact severed. Finances untangled. Passwords changed. Keys returned. You get the idea. 

Okay that sounds harsh but here's the thing... I am still friends with almost every one of my exes. In fact there's only one woman I have dated for more than 3 months that I don't count as a friend in some fashion. I'm pretty close to some of them. And believe me I have quite a few years on you and so the list of exes is pretty long. 

Seems kind of contradictory doesn't it? That I immediately sever all ties yet end up being friends or even good friends with them. I think it's because the prompt severing quickly closes the chapter on our romance. And it opens up a space for a friendship chapter(s) to start when the emotions have subsided. 

Anyhow, something to noodle on going forward.

[Lamron300]

50 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Something to try on: when a relationship ends, I sever all logistical ties immediately. Within days if not hours, all entanglements are untangled. Things are returned. Social media contact severed. Finances untangled. Passwords changed. Keys returned. You get the idea. 

Okay that sounds harsh but here's the thing... I am still friends with almost every one of my exes. In fact there's only one woman I have dated for more than 3 months that I don't count as a friend in some fashion. I'm pretty close to some of them. And believe me I have quite a few years on you and so the list of exes is pretty long. 

Seems kind of contradictory doesn't it? That I immediately sever all ties yet end up being friends or even good friends with them. I think it's because the prompt severing quickly closes the chapter on our romance. And it opens up a space for a friendship chapter(s) to start when the emotions have subsided. 

Anyhow, something to noodle on going forward.

That’s a good way of doing things, however, it depends on how things ended. The issue is the main problem I have with my ex is she actively tried to deny me of things. Example, when I was 28 I wanted to buy a house which needed work. It wasn’t walking distance to the train station (10 minute drive). She moaned about it even though a) it wasn’t her money and b) she never needed to go to the station anyway and even if she did, I drive. I could not imagine telling someone I’m dating where to live or how to spend their money. She didn’t want kids (which is her decision) but she would then tell me I don’t need kids because we have MY dog. 

When I broke up with her I assumed she had gone to live with the ex she had been cheating on me with. I hadn’t checked in on her till a few days ago. 

I hope in the future if I do breakup with someone it can be more civil as you describe.

Im actually casually dating now and it’s more exciting than the 2.5 year relationship. Having no expectations takes off a lot of pressure. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Focus less on who was right or wrong in this situation, OP. It's keeping you stuck and angry, and serves no pupose at this point. 

Concentrate instead on closing tihs chapter and moving on.