What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Lesson to learn with that (strive for experiences and relationships with others, not only romantic ones). As well as the thing you realized about yourself that maybe you like companionship during your workday. That's an easy fix--hire the right person to do in tandem with you. 

Ok more later if I see things where you can change your thinking.

 

Thank you. I think what makes the process harder is also the fear of the future. I remember when you would help me in the past when I had comments about dates. I would overanalyse everything and blame myself for everything and maybe this even came across on dates. Some of the people I dated/spoke on apps  actually ended up marrying other women. I need to learn nothing everything is about me or so black and white. 
 

What I liked about my current life (well now finished) life with her was it was seemingly more calm. As with most people my age, I met her on online dating. 

Online dating gives me many fears. I stopped drinking (not for any reason), a lot of dates suggest a drink. I also felt like I wasn’t myself as I would be so keen to impress and get nervy. Also as I lived outside London, most of my matches were in London, which meant travelling, often after work. The final mental hurdle was if we do get along and end up dating, when do the apps get deleted. When I met her, I didn’t have to worry about these things anymore, I felt I had a result of going outside of my comfort zones. What I am now realising is the red flags were there early on. I remember she got angry when I spoke about a three bedroom house instead of two bedroom house (She said what are you planning? Was literally scared I meant kids). We never talked a lot about marriage, till she tried to gaslight me when I brought it up after an argument. She said well of course naturally dating you would think you would go on to get married. I said not really, it’s a thing you need to discuss and think about. It’s not a ‘given’.

As you and others have said, I don’t know why I am ruminating about every conversation I ever had with her. She didn’t want to be in my life, fully. Her lying does knock my confidence a lot though. I was getting over trust issues with people. She literally walked away and refused to show me her phone, I’m still in shock. I would never treat her the way she did to me. I shared with her my past experience, only person (apart from this forum) I’ve told about it. She knew I hated these sort of things and still did it.

I hate conflict/being bad towards another person but she expected me to let her stay till she found another job/place to stay after cheating on me. This is what is griping with me. If she didn’t want to be with me or live this lifestyle, out of principle she should have walked. I am now thinking she had problems and feels comfortable with her ex (maybe) as he knew about them and she didn’t want to share them with me. If this is the case, I was never going to win with this relationship, so I don’t know why I’m beating myself up. 

[Lamron300]

I haven’t been able to sleep once again, and I’m racing with my thoughts. I thought I would just write them here to help myself as I’m not currently talking to friends or family about it. No one really knew much about how our relationship functioned, till it was over.

The emotions I’m feeling today is a lot of sadness and regret. I’m failing to understand my actions and her actions. The relationship could have been over at least a year sooner as we have been doing wrong by each other. 
 

FAILURES ON MY PART

1) I never communicated well with her, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because if I said what I truly wanted, I feared she would have rejected it and the relationship would have been over. What did I truly want? A family unit and a future together. Commitment and openness. Did I have a timescale for that? No. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand biologically that if someone is 34 and hasn’t indicated they want kids, it wouldn’t magically happen in the future. She didn’t lead me on in that respect, but she didn’t say clearly she didn’t want that.

2) I started arguments out of frustration. I would be childish and sometimes say stuff like be quiet out of nowhere. I knew it was because I felt distant as I didn’t know where things were going. She rightfully thought it was because I was just being mean. I realise I only felt comfortable saying my worries in the context of an argument. For example, the lack of sex. First time I mentioned it I believe she told me the truth. She said she has a low sex drive, but if I initiate it it will be ok. Other times she just blamed me or said because she is stressed, even once said I smell. Anything she could say but not to admit it was an issue. I don’t care about the physical act, but it meant I didn’t feel close with her. I then started watching a lot of pornography to fill the void and this made me feel hopeless and empty. I stopped thinking of her in a sexual way. 
 

3) I wasn’t stern enough. Two years ago she asked to move in with me and work with me. The risk was always there for both of us. I felt disrespected and unappreciated on occasions and said nothing. Even her dad said to her, what if my business didn’t work out and she is putting more pressure on me. I didn’t think too much about this as I thought if we both wanted the same things, it could work out. 
 

4) I became dependent on her for support. I haven’t lived in London since 2015. I moved outside London in 2016 when I went to study. Ever since I have been living away from friends and family. Every negativity and stress I suffered (poor health, work etc) I would heavily lean on her opinion. I almost wanted to just see she cared a lot, so I would repeat myself constantly to see if she was genuine. I felt I was providing everything for her and I wanted backup in return. She would get frustrated and say how how can I help?  I would be speechless but felt she could do more. Example, business is quiet now. I don’t expect her to get clients for us, but to take an interest in my plans to get clients. Maybe suggest an idea or do research without me asking on how to distribute leaflets. Tell me she will always be there for me with my health etc. 

5) I either trusted her or I didn’t. On my part, at 29 I just wanted to settle down. I didn’t have any incentive to play games and risk jeopardising things. She had all my passwords and worked with me, so she had no reason to fear anything. I never saw her text anyone but there were numerous fights about her receiving texts. I always asked why they feel so comfortable texting you. My worse fears were realised when we broke up and she called her ex. I now know they were in constant contact behind my back. As I gave her a job as my office admin, I thought it was a good idea to give her a business card and access to funds. I was treating her like a wife/financial equal and business partner. I hoped it would make her see herself in that way. Finally, her excuse for calling her ex was she has no one now she has lost me.

I feel also horrible in this aspect, as If you people on this forum weren’t helping me, who would I have turned to? I didn’t speak to friends about the relationship, so I couldn’t suddenly just blast them with all this info. I relied on her for over two years. 

[JTSW]

Ok. you need to stop with all these unnecessary thoughts and second guessing yourself.

ITS OVER!

None of it no longer matters.

You are going to drive yourself completely insane if you continue.

STOP dwelling on it and move on.

It's not about what you did or didn't do wrong, SHE was talking to other men behind your back.

That isn't your fault.

You need to let all this go and take a deep breath. 

[salparadise]

On 1/16/2023 at 3:38 PM, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know why I am ruminating about every conversation I ever had with her. She didn’t want to be in my life, fully. Her lying does knock my confidence a lot though. I was getting over trust issues with people. She literally walked away and refused to show me her phone, I’m still in shock. I would never treat her the way she did to me.

You've experienced a real loss regardless of the circumstances. You need to give yourself some time to grieve and equilibrate. Yea, if you could quit ruminating it would be good, but that will diminish before long. Just integrate the concept that this wasn't the relationship that you thought it was, and she wasn't the person you hoped she would be. It's only been 48 hours; give yourself some time and don't try to shortcut the grieving process. Be your own best friend, and be confident that you will fine once you've processed it.

A couple of things I think you should take away from the experience... you had the expectation that she would be grateful, and therefore loyal, because you were supporting her financially with a free place to live, a job (and most everything else she needed I presume), but she complained about a power imbalance. Well of course there was, because she wasn't bringing much to the table other than cute and sexy. And then the sex disappeared. Perhaps her way of asserting autonomy. Whatever the cause, she was pushing back. Gratitude for financial benefits is not a reason you want someone to be with you. It doesn't work. Respect should be the basis, and you earn that by taking care of YOU, holding boundaries, and perhaps being generous in certain ways (but not like taking a child to raise).

Integrity is paramount. You need to figure that out about anyone you date before you get in up to your eyeballs. She simply didn't have that characteristic, but you overlooked it for too long. Some women have a need for a backup plan, and exes who would like to get back with them are the perfect candidates. In my opinion, orbiters, exes, special "friends," or the inability to be free and clear in a relationship should be instant dealbreakers. It means they've got one foot out at all times. 

Date women who have something going for themselves, not someone who needs to be a dependent. Try to have a balanced relationship and hold good boundaries until such time as it's appropriate to soften them. Don't give anyone your passwords, bank account numbers, or access to personal financial stuff. Never give them the information to figure out how much money you have. Don't be obsequious. Make it so that if they're with you it's because the like and respect you, not because of what you're giving or doing for them.

 

[Lamron300]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Integrity is paramount. You need to figure that out about anyone you date before you get in up to your eyeballs. She simply didn't have that characteristic, but you overlooked it for too long. Some women have a need for a backup plan, and exes who would like to get back with them are the perfect candidates. In my opinion, orbiters, exes, special "friends," or the inability to be free and clear in a relationship should be instant dealbreakers. It means they've got one foot out at all times. 

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. I’m just so scared right now. I had a massive panic attack and my heart is still beating fast. I saw a car I didn’t recognise and someone got out wearing the same jacket as her, but it turned out to be someone else. I want to break all contact with her but she is bound to contact me when she is ready to collect her stuff. I don’t want to get myself into a medical emergency before then. I have counselling on Friday, this seems ages away. 
 

I looked at my forum history and I posted my worries about her in July 2020, January 2021 etc. A lot of people told me we weren’t compatible and I didn’t listen. I thought she would change. I feel so stupid! I’ve missed big work deadlines because of this mess I’ve got myself into. I’m trying to think of the good of the relationship but everyone has just highlighted all the bad, so I feel nauseous. She was never in love with me, always kept orbiters/ Ex’s as a backup plan and didn’t help me in this period of poor health/business. 
 

I am not coping well with this anger stage at all. As you said, she had no integrity and was not the person I hoped she would be. She has no integrity and used me financially. I just want the pain to end. I can’t just discard her stuff but I don’t even know where she is. 

 

[Kassieee]

Shes a fool! 

She had it made.

[Lamron300]

5 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Shes a fool! 

She had it made.

Yes, she did. I can't understand her actions, but thats not relevant now I guess.

 

What I am worried about is I don't want to go to work, I feel like she will try and show up here and cause drama (even if I change the locks, she may not know that and try). We haven't spoken since I kicked her out on Sunday. I don't know where she is right now. Usually in break ups at least you can usually have some space, but her stuff is still here. Even if she is too depressed now to think of her stuff, she soon will think about it. The emotions are off the scale right now, I am trying to get help as fast as I can, but nothing has helped so far.

What escalated the argument is when I knew she was a liar and a cheat. I don't care if she didn't physically meet her ex, the fact she has been texting him behind my back all this time and lied about it. She had to change her number 6 months ago when he 'popped up', but now I know the whole time she was encouraging it. Imagine if she tried to come here with her ex? I don't know what craziness I might do. I don't want her to ruin my life more than she already has. I can't eat or sleep, having panic attacks etc. I have my business and my dog to think about and my own health, this is just occupying so much negativity.

I had numerous warning signs about her in the past. She became increasingly obsessed with money and put pressure on me, even though she had no bills or expenses at all. I paid for everything. I think she wanted all that plus more money so if this happened she would be fine. I gave her a legitimate job and trained her up with skills which could be useful to her in the future, nothing was enough. 

When we argued 1 year ago she said 'You're going to kick me out on the street and I'm going to be heartbroken, homeless and jobless again'. She came to the UK in 2011 and I believe she lived off her first bf, just like she lived off me. 

It is fine that everyone is telling me she did bad, we weren't right for each other etc. I have accepted those facts. All I want now is for her stuff out ASAP and then to have my counselling. I don't want any final words or explanations, her last goodbye to the dog or any of that sort. I have coped with previous breakups by just imagining the person doesn't exist, that has helped in the past. I don't feel much pain when I don't think about someone.

I am so embarrassed as people on this forum and my colleagues probably think I am a weak loser who should have seen these signs. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

When we argued 1 year ago she said 'You're going to kick me out on the street and I'm going to be heartbroken, homeless and jobless again'. 

It's interesting that she saw this coming. Even a year ago. It seems she was never comfortable in the relationship. She was foolish to not have her own job and place.

It's good you're not together. She needs her independence back without trepidation that she'll be thrown on the street whenever there's trouble.

Figure out how to get her stuff out of your house so there's no worries about her showing up. Change the locks if you want but sooner or later she may want her stuff, unless she's fleeing the situation and doesn't care about the stuff. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Figure out how to get her stuff out of your house so there's no worries about her showing up.

Pack it in some boxes and take it to work. Put it aside in an empty office and let her know that it is there for her or anyone else to pick it up whenever she is ready. Done. 

[JTSW]

46 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I feel like she will try and show up here and cause drama (even if I change the locks, she may not know that and try).

You keep saying this and the only way to ensure that doesn't happen is to send all her stuff somewhere else for her to pick up.

Get a ring doorbell security camera so if she does show up, you will know and have evidence for the police of her trespassing.

Have you changed the locks yet?

[Lamron300]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's interesting that she saw this coming. Even a year ago. It seems she was never comfortable in the relationship. She was foolish to not have her own job and place.

It's good you're not together. She needs her independence back without trepidation that she'll be thrown on the street whenever there's trouble.

Figure out how to get her stuff out of your house so there's no worries about her showing up. Change the locks if you want but sooner or later she may want her stuff, unless she's fleeing the situation and doesn't care about the stuff. 

She went about it the wrong way because she wanted to be put on the mortgage to avoid it. I never held housing over her as a threat. She didn't want independence but at the same time wanted a guarantee. The only reason I kicked her out the way I did is because she lied to my face and had lied the whole relationship. I am such an idiot believing 6 months ago when ex texted her she hadn't been speaking to him.

All I want is a solution to this unbearable anxiety.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I am so embarrassed as people on this forum and my colleagues probably think I am a weak loser who should have seen these signs. 

I am so embarrassed as I think I am a weak loser who should have seen the signs. 

I think that’s what you really mean, because nobody here thinks this about you. That kind of negativity can only be self-talk. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's interesting that she saw this coming.

Of course she knew it. The sex was gone from the relationship and she was completely dependent on OP for housing and employment. She was living on borrowed time and she would be very aware of that. 

8 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

She went about it the wrong way because she wanted to be put on the mortgage to avoid it.

It’s a ridiculous ask to be put on a mortgage for a house that you didn’t purchase/own. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Pack it in some boxes and take it to work. Put it aside in an empty office and let her know that it is there for her or anyone else to pick it up whenever she is ready. Done. 

Unfortunately, my house is the office. The job isn't office based so didn't need a commercial premises. She has a lot of plants, an I-MAC and expensive hoover. I don't want anything to get damaged. I would put it in storage, however, she doesn't really have any friends in this country for me to contact to tell her where to pick it up. I don't want to seem cruel, however, she expected to cheat and lie to my face and me be okay with her to stay till she sorts stuff out.

I am mostly worried that I won't accept logic. Everything you have said and others on the forum and in real life is logical. I wanted kids, she didn't. I wanted marriage she didn't. She wasn't honest and went behind my back. She has a low libido, I have a higher libido.  Relationships end everyday, hence there is forums like this. Yet I don't feel like I dodged a bullet. The reason is my mind is not accepting she isn't the person I hoped her to be. Just because I was with her everyday for 2.5 years I must have mentally assigned her a role of high importance. My mind is cowardly and wish it didn't get to this stage and we resolved things on Sunday. However, if that happened I would have been back here in a few weeks anyway. 

And yes as you said the mortgage thing was ridiculous. That defies logic. But that is also what is tearing me up. I am thinking did she naively think that as she thought if he put me on the mortgage he is serious about me or she was just an opportunist that wanted to be on the mortgage so in times like this she could have that backup of not having to leave. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You keep saying this and the only way to ensure that doesn't happen is to send all her stuff somewhere else for her to pick up.

Get a ring doorbell security camera so if she does show up, you will know and have evidence for the police of her trespassing.

Have you changed the locks yet?

I have a ring doorbell, however, it hasn't been dry enough to mount it yet. Funny enough, you reminded me to delete her off the ring doorbell. I have had to change all my passwords (work and non-work related). I am in the process of getting the locks changed. It is very extreme and it is causing more hatred on my part. I got the locks changed when I bought the house (less than 6 months ago) now having to do it again. 

I know it doesn't matter about sides right now, but I am a good man. I genuinely wanted the best for her and I avoided my own desires to not cause offence or awkwardness. It has backfired spectacularly. 

Last words she ever said to me is ' I hope you are proud of yourself'. I didn't want to kick her out like that, but she gave me no choice. We had a brutally honest conversation early on in the relationship. I told her all my fears and dislikes about people who keep their ex's in their orbit and do dodgy stuff like this. She said she isn't like that. She has proven herself to have lied. 

[glows]

Why have you not contacted her to pick up her things or find out where you can drop them off or ship them? 

Deal with getting her junk out of your place and set a timeline that’s realistic so that your home is restored to some order.

If you have friends or family who can look after your dog while you’re busy, ask for help. Please stop being distracted about what she might do at your work. We all have some form of fear and paranoia after a break up. We don’t break up over nothing. There’s usually a breakdown in trust and that can be destabilizing. No one thinks of you as a loser. But what you ARE losing is time and that is time you would rather be spending enjoying your home again and getting your life back to some kind of normalcy. 

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

 

If you have friends or family who can look after your dog while you’re busy, ask for help. Please stop being distracted about what she might do at your work. We all have some form of fear and paranoia after a break up. We don’t break up over nothing. There’s usually a breakdown in trust and that can be destabilizing. No one thinks of you as a loser. But what you ARE losing is time and that is time you would rather be spending enjoying your home again and getting your life back to some kind of normalcy. 

I haven’t got in contact because as she said she has ‘no one’ to rely on. I don’t want to make direct contact as it is too painful. I nearly fainted when I thought I saw her, but it was someone else. It was a panic attack. She is going to tell me she doesn’t have a permanent residence so can’t collect all her things. I just cannot go through the idea of her and whoever she could rope along to come into my home again. I’m being serious when I say my mind couldn’t survive that, I’d lose it completely. My way forward is to trick my mind into thinking she doesn’t exist. If I can’t see her or hear her, I’ll then eventually believe she’s away somewhere and be less distressed. 
 

Yes, you are right, we don’t break up for no reason. I guess we hear people have broken up and don’t think into it why, so we think only ourselves know this pain. 
 

My main issue is the helplessness of it all. I tried my best to get around the issues, she didn’t want to change.
 

When I last posted on this forum, I was a mess. I had insecurities and trust issues. Going into this relationship I said okay I’ll be more trusting, which I was. She has put me back to step 1. 
 

The last few months were horrible. She denied me of everything I wanted and eventually I now feel guilty for even wanting to run my business. I feel bad because as a decent human being it’s hard to kick someone out of your house, but it’s like she knew every line to cross. 
 

 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Last words she ever said to me is ' I hope you are proud of yourself'. I didn't want to kick her out like that, but she gave me no choice.

Why do you care? 

You seem to be searching for approval and I would encourage you to stop doing that. Stand tall knowing that you have enforced a healthy boundary and stood strong for yourself! Of course, it feels terrible because you have loved this woman. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are a good guy, to validate your decision and tell you that she left you know other choice but to make this decision.

If you are waiting for her to show empathy, to tell you that she sees the error in her ways, to reminisce about the happy times, to provide some closure by telling you that she thinks you are a good guy and she realizes that she left you no choice but to make this decision - you are going to be waiting a really long time. 

Of course, she’s going to be angry and unhappy with you right now. She wants to hurt you right now because she is angry and frustrated - she is going to feel however she is going to feel. That doesn’t mean that you are not doing the right thing. Stand tall in your decision. 

Edited January 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why do you care? 
 

I think because since I can’t understand her decisions at all, I’m just left thinking she’s a bad person for the rest of my life. I have been going back and forth in my head trying to think of things from her perspective and gain some insight and balance, but I can’t. If I was in her shoes I would have held on to this relationship for dear life. She had the good home, support and love. I don’t know why I have been so patient, things have been bad for at least a year. I’m worried about counselling seession on Friday as I can’t decipher what is her actual personality and what are flaws. Can people actually be such a leach? For the two years, little intimacy, no interest in business just the money, never had an argument where she didn’t scream at top of her voice at me. Very controlling over my dog. If I agreed with 9/10 ideas for the house, she would get mad about the 1 I don’t agree with. 
 

How do I see peoples flaws sooner in the future?   I really appreciate you guys help but I don’t want to be ranting like this again in the future if I ever get into a relationship. 
 

I am getting burnt up by the thought that she’s only angry as she got caught and will have short term financial difficulty. She doesn’t care about what she’s denied me.
 

[Lamron300]

39 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why do you care? 

 

Also just to add, another really confusing and weird thing which shows her personality is she said to me “ You’re  nothing without me! Who is going to cook, clean and fill your medication! You need a woman’s touch” 

She also said go live a bachelor life and see where you end up. This gaslighting was so effective. She was highlighting the things she did for me and telling me no one else would do them for/with me. All of those things were functional things. She never said anything about the love she gave or support. It’s like she accepted in her head she was just there as a roommate as she had given up on romance. She obviously had a plan to wait things out, but I don’t know how. No one would have accepted her behaviour much longer. She must have been planning something worse than what she ended up doing. 
 

I need to move past this mentally, I don’t want to believe that most people are like her. 

[salparadise]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I am so embarrassed as people on this forum and my colleagues probably think I am a weak loser who should have seen these signs. 

No, we don’t think that. We all have to learn such lessons for ourselves, and I’ve learned a few the hard way too. The trick is to learn without becoming hardened and cynical. It’s commendable that you had/have the courage to open your heart and love. Now it’s time to forgive yourself and her, and integrate the experience…while remaining open and vulnerable so that you can try again after you heal from this. We are who we are, and we do our best, but we aren’t perfect. Hopefully in time you will be able to view this with compassion and even humor. Life is just hard sometimes; give yourself some latitude. 

Edited January 18, 2023 by salparadise

[Lamron300]

18 minutes ago, salparadise said:

No, we don’t think that. We all have to learn such lessons for ourselves, and I’ve learned a few the hard way too. The trick is to learn without becoming hardened and cynical. It’s commendable that you had/have the courage to open your heart and love. Now it’s time to forgive yourself and her, and integrate the experience…while remaining open and vulnerable so that you can try again after you heal from this. We are who we are, and we do our best, but we aren’t perfect. Hopefully in time you will be able to view this with compassion and even humor. Life is just hard sometimes; give yourself some latitude. 

My problem is I have made the same mistake twice and I don’t know how and why. My previous relationship ended in absolutely identical situation. I am too trusting, but as you say I don’t want to become too hardened. I’m not capable of lying in a relationship as I usually have more to lose. My current ex gf changed her number to prove she wasn’t dodgy, how was I supposed to know she would go through that effort but still be texting behind my back. I have learnt moving in with someone means nothing as my other ex did the same thing and was texting her ex behind my back too! It’s not even about me, these people have emotional immaturity/baggage way before me and then I get duped. I now get very angry in my head when I see a partner on their phone. I always think they are up to no good. 

[BaileyB]

Why is it that when people post good advice and encouragement your answer is always - “yeah, but…”

Yeah, but… my problem is I don’t understand how she could do this. Yeah, but… she said terrible things to me and I want her to understand, I didn’t want to do this. Yeah, but… my problem is that I keep making the same mistakes again and again - I don’t learn.

With kindness, I’m asking sincerely, are you actually reading any of the advice that you’ve gotten in this discussion? I ask because the answer to how you don’t make the same mistake again was said a few pages ago - you do your due diligence before you move in with a woman. You date a woman that has her own life. You don’t stay if/when the sex dries up or you discover that she’s talking to other men. Do you see what I’m saying?

You will obviously need time and counselling to integrate this experience, I just want to point out the fact that you seem to be on your own train of thought and I really, really hope you are hearing what people are trying to say here. 

 

Edited January 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lamron300]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why is it that when people post good advice and encouragement your answer is always - “yeah, but…”

 

 

Sorry, still trying to process it all. I think I’m just speaking out loud/ranting now. Saying things I wish I said to her. I’ve had the conversation I want to have with the counsellor around 100 times in my head already. At the end of the day I’m just in shock. She’s not a sexual person, so it’s not like she was talking behind my back for that reason. It’s just she was the person who was there in key stages of life and I can’t believe she is completely different to what I thought she was. I think I hoped someone would ponder why she behaved the way she did, especially knowing how it would end up for both of us. However, no one is in her mind so can’t tell. Sorry I think I’m just lonely and angry. I definitely have taken on everybody’s advice. It just feels weird that she’s basically just been a roommate and not a lover. I just wish it didn’t end so badly as now I can’t assign any significance to her in my life going forward. It was my first proper relationship (in terms of I took it very seriously). It’s like I wish you guys knew us in real life, maybe you’d be shocked at how sudden it was. It has just shown me anyone can act anyway to get what they need. 

[salparadise]

21 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

My problem is I have made the same mistake twice and I don’t know how and why. My previous relationship ended in absolutely identical situation. I am too trusting, but as you say I don’t want to become too hardened.

I'm sorry this has happened twice in a row. It could simply be bad luck, but my best guess is that your picker is broken. Hopefully the counseling will help with that. Here is how this often happens... a man who doesn't have enough confidence in his value and desirability will choose women who are needy in some way, and the unspoken agreement is that she will be eternally grateful to have been accepted despite whatever deficit she may have. This often involves mental illness, but also other factors that cause her to have deep insecurities. People who have been in survival mode since childhood tend to see the world as a zero-sum game, and they are always looking for an angle. It's really sad, because under other circumstances these people might have been quite different. But the point I'm making is that sympathy hardship, trauma, etc., (or the savior mentality) is not a reason to choose person to date or enter a relationship. Women do it too sometimes, but more often this is a man's issue. Women are generally better at looking out for #1. Let there be no doubt about this –– you should be looking out for #1 when you choose a partner. 

Another generality... online dating sites are chocked full of people with issues you don't want to deal with. That's not to say everyone, just a lot of them. So when you are meeting people that way you need do a lot of vetting before you open up fully and allow yourself to get attached. Don't let sex cloud your judgement either, or worse yet, turn it off completely. 

It's difficult to be careful, diligent, and go slow while at the same time remaining open. But that's what you have to do, and if you've got a history of making bad picks you need to use logic and reason along with feeling. Remember what I said earlier about integrity. Do not settle for less. You're better off single than hitched to someone who lies, cheats and plays both sides against the middle. Most of the healthy people can do this intuitively, and hopefully you will develop that sixth sense too. Talk about it in counseling.