What to do after very bad breakup (happened 2 hours ago)

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Another generality... online dating sites are chocked full of people with issues you don't want to deal with. That's not to say everyone, just a lot of them. So when you are meeting people that way you need do a lot of vetting before you open up fully and allow yourself to get attached. Don't let sex cloud your judgement either, or worse yet, turn it off completely. 

It's difficult to be careful, diligent, and go slow while at the same time remaining open. But that's what you have to do, and if you've got a history of making bad picks you need to use logic and reason along with feeling. Remember what I said earlier about integrity. Do not settle for less. You're better off single than hitched to someone who lies, cheats and plays both sides against the middle. Most of the healthy people can do this intuitively, and hopefully you will develop that sixth sense too. Talk about it in counseling. 

Are you in the health profession? It’s actually scary the level of good advice I have received on this forum. I really hope counselling can live up to this.

How can you be so wise and me so naive? Everything you’ve said is frighteningly true. It is my lived experience. I have known about these peoples deficits from the beginning. Not necessarily through them telling me but through seeing their behaviour from the beginning. My current ex gf didn’t just behave this way on Sunday, but from the first month of the relationship. In my head I don’t know why I didn’t have a stronger reaction. I think I just wanted the company and think things could’ve been fixed. She told me from day 1 she was diagnosed as a HSP (highly sensitive person) but it then became an excuse for bad/annoying behaviour. She told me early on she’s not into sex much, which then impacted me hugely as I then got into porn as I felt I didn’t want to initiate or seem to coerce. I accepted all these bad things even her asking me unreasonable things like to be put on the mortgage (for her security not for the advancement of the relationship). She even told me MY money is OUR money. 
 

I don’t think you understand how much you’ve helped me. I am now starting to realise it’s a relief off my shoulders. I can’t any longer blame her for not getting what I want. If I make the same mistakes in the future it is on me. I just feel bad it had to come to this, however, with her cheating, I need to remember she did this. 
 

I am scared about what you said about online dating. I don’t judge people for being single, however, as you said, a lot of people on their have existing issues. These issues aren’t dealt with and then they go online. I am suckered in by what mostly seems like a good personality, however, the fundamental issues eventually ruin the relationship. I need to be more stern if I go online dating again. Questions I need answered may save myself this issue in the future. 

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Also just to add, another really confusing and weird thing which shows her personality is she said to me “ You’re  nothing without me! Who is going to cook, clean and fill your medication! You need a woman’s touch” 

She also said go live a bachelor life and see where you end up. This gaslighting was so effective. She was highlighting the things she did for me and telling me no one else would do them for/with me

Here's the thing about the hurtful things she said or implied during the relationship or upon breaking up...they would have little to no meaning and almost be laughable IF you yourself didn't believe that some of what she was saying had "some" truth to it.  And you then are magnifying that due to your upset and b&w thinking and castrophizing (which i cannot spell obviously!)... Sure an ex might know how to hurt you but the insults wouldn't really LAND if you didn't believe them or your self-worth wasn't on a bit of shaky ground in general. I think from all you've said on this thread--that it goes beyond just being upset with the breakup and you have thoughts that are pervasive, persistent and personal (the 3 P's that sort of signal your self esteem could use a big boost).....When bad things happen, people with healthy self esteem don't project it into the future like it will color their entire existence going forward; they compartmentalize it to that event, ie our relationship didn't work out, that person & you, not you and everyone you will try to date & can see why it didn't work with that person without annihilating yourself; and so on. I could literally go back and bold your wording to show that your thinking patterns and thoughts are exposed in the writing of your thoughts about this situation and that some self-esteem boosting (overall) is really what you need. If you feel better sense of self-worth, I'm quite sure you would not be seeing this breakup in the same light as you are right now.

[glows]

13 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I haven’t got in contact because as she said she has ‘no one’ to rely on. I don’t want to make direct contact as it is too painful. I nearly fainted when I thought I saw her, but it was someone else. It was a panic attack. She is going to tell me she doesn’t have a permanent residence so can’t collect all her things. I just cannot go through the idea of her and whoever she could rope along to come into my home again. I’m being serious when I say my mind couldn’t survive that, I’d lose it completely. My way forward is to trick my mind into thinking she doesn’t exist. If I can’t see her or hear her, I’ll then eventually believe she’s away somewhere and be less distressed. 
 

Are you realizing that this is worsening the situation? Instead of dealing with reality you’re fixated on the thought that she wronged you. Yes, she was contacting an ex, a dealbreaker for you, but the longer you stay stuck in this self-pity and trying to escape from reality, your life is in limbo and I’d be concerned about other issues like your work and business. 

Take the time to feel sad and cry it out. Walk your dog, lay on the couch and veg and also snap out of it if you need to work and get the ball rolling contacting her to remove her things.

I agree on not catastrophizing. Intense disappointment and sadness, yes. Try not to paint everything else in a negative light due to this break up. It wasn’t meant to last. The relationship was mismatched and imbalanced. She told you she wasn’t happy with the dynamics early on. Date someone else who is more confident also in her own financial status or wherever she is at in life.

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

.When bad things happen, people with healthy self esteem don't project it into the future like it will color their entire existence going forward; they compartmentalize it to that event, ie our relationship didn't work out, that person & you, not you and everyone you will try to date & can see why it didn't work with that person without annihilating yourself; and so on. I could literally go back and bold your wording to show that your thinking patterns and thoughts are exposed in the writing of your thoughts about this situation and that some self-esteem boosting (overall) is really what you need. If you feel better sense of self-worth, I'm quite sure you would not be seeing this breakup in the same light as you are right now.

Again, I’m scared as you are frighteningly correct. My self esteem is terrible. I’m now not enjoying things that have nothing to do with her. I had my business before I met her, I had my dog before I met her. I planned to buy a house one day before I met her. These things don’t have anything to do with her, so I don’t know why I’m convincing myself my life is over. Just because she was here when I bought the house and worked with me for two years and walked the dog with me everyday. The big risk with the dynamic is as she made herself financially dependent on me (I gave her the job and allowed to move in with her as she told me she truly wanted that). As she was dependent on me, even if she fell out of love with me, the dependency would still be there (setting me up to be used). The risk was there for her that if I fell out of love with her then she would be jobless and homeless. It was a bad dynamic but I thought I was doing good by supporting my partner. 

My biggest fear of dating in the future is online dating (hence why my brain has convinced me that even though this relationship wasn’t suitable, she’s hard to replace). Online dating is set up in a way that makes you feel you have multiple options. I was always paranoid about who I was ‘competing’ with and if we did date, when would they delete the apps. I couldn’t get round my head that someone could have a great date with me on Tuesday and then go on another date with someone on Wednesday. I would then feel intense pressure. 
 

I know you may be thinking well I don’t have to use online dating, however; I wouldn’t know where to start. My day goes like: Feed the dog, walk the dog, go to work, come back, feed and walk the dog. Do some work or chill and then go to bed. I have tried joining social clubs in the past but I knew I was just joining to mostly find someone to date. If I couldn’t, I knew deep down I’d be disappointed. 
 

People say nothing lasts forever, however, I hoped she would change and we would resolve our incompatibility. She never changed and I also got worse, but knowing a former love was a cheat and a liar is devastating. Because I now see things black and white. She probably wasn’t all bad, but now I question the whole relationship. 

[Lamron300]

It’s been exactly one week since the breakup but it feels like one year. Every minute and second feels to be going slowly.

I have barely ate or gone to work this week. I have been to counselling. The first session was ok, I think I expected miracles. One session, then I will be healed. I have booked another session as I guess it’s a gradual process.

So much is going through my head right now. I feel I can’t escape from the negativity. The one day I did go to work this week, the house I worked in, the guy had just got divorced after 20 years. He was telling me he was devastated as he only renovated his house for his family. 
 

I don’t miss my ex at all. My feelings are of bitterness, regret and anger. As she was lying behind my back, I know there is nothing I could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Now I am in the unhelpful stage of thinking of every bad word she ever said to me and thinking I should have seen the red flags from day 1. 
 

I have contacted a storage company as I need her junk out of my house. I am filled with fear she will turn up out of the blue soon. 
 

Deep down, my insecurity and fear of moving on is one day I feel I will have to go back on online dating. My experience of online dating wasn’t good (where I met her). I feel there is a lot more men than woman on these apps and women can be bombarded with messages. For this reason I would feel nervous on dates, even when they went well. Also, now I feel I have wasted my time, I feel less of a fun person as I need to do better analysis of someone to prevent this situation happening again. With my ex the issues were there from day one, however, I hope things would change. Deep down, I probably didn’t want to start getting to know someone new all over again.

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s been exactly one week since the breakup but it feels like one year. Every minute and second feels to be going slowly.

I have barely ate or gone to work this week. I have been to counselling. The first session was ok, I think I expected miracles. One session, then I will be healed. I have booked another session as I guess it’s a gradual process.

So much is going through my head right now. I feel I can’t escape from the negativity. The one day I did go to work this week, the house I worked in, the guy had just got divorced after 20 years. He was telling me he was devastated as he only renovated his house for his family. 
 

I don’t miss my ex at all. My feelings are of bitterness, regret and anger. As she was lying behind my back, I know there is nothing I could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Now I am in the unhelpful stage of thinking of every bad word she ever said to me and thinking I should have seen the red flags from day 1. 
 

I have contacted a storage company as I need her junk out of my house. I am filled with fear she will turn up out of the blue soon. 
 

Deep down, my insecurity and fear of moving on is one day I feel I will have to go back on online dating. My experience of online dating wasn’t good (where I met her). I feel there is a lot more men than woman on these apps and women can be bombarded with messages. For this reason I would feel nervous on dates, even when they went well. Also, now I feel I have wasted my time, I feel less of a fun person as I need to do better analysis of someone to prevent this situation happening again. With my ex the issues were there from day one, however, I hope things would change. Deep down, I probably didn’t want to start getting to know someone new all over again.

To the bolded, this is a great step. I wonder why you are so filled with fear about this?  Maybe examine that...Uncomfortable, annoyed, dreading i sort of get...but fear I'm not understanding.  Not invalidating it, but I also wonder if you work yourself up unnecessarily--I think you do IMO.  Don't make this bigger than it needs to be. A breakup is uncomfortable and it hurts but you will get through it. Not much to fear--ask yourself what it is that you ACTUALLY fear and if the fear is unsubstantiated or a real one.  If it's real then figure out how to address it. You will feel better if and when you have forward motion and action vs dwelling on your thoughts and churning them into much bigger or not reality-based thoughts. So strive for action. While I think it's great that you are putting her stuff in storage, IMO another even better decision you could have taken is to find a way to get it to her or a neutral party so that you don't have anything "leftover" or pending with her.  Do you see how leaving a tie with her will create unnecessary mental drama that weighs on you?? (and contributes to your fear feelings).

Glad you did your therapy and I would just encourage you to keep doing it--without expecting miracles. I think a common theme in both your relationship with her & even with your thoughts about therapy is you are looking for an outside sources to affect you, to change you, to do the "work" for you.   The best way to feel better about yourself in all ways is put yourself into experiences where you doing the work IS what shows you that you are capable and worthy and all that. 

About the guy whose house you saw & breaking up after 20 years, that is an example IMO of people holding onto the regret & same goes for a lot of your thoughts about your relationship and where you are in life/time. Listen you have to accept the fact that you can't go back in time--none of us can. Regret is an emotion that is (i believe) suppose to teach us for future efforts and give us new direction. it's not meant to get stuck on it and reality won't let you go back in time to change anything--you can only go forward with the lessons that that experience taught you. So it's valuable in that sense and extremely dangerous if you hold onto regret and do nothing with the lessons that come out of it.

Second bolded, you are putting too much IMO on your mental plate.....To jump that far in the future when you are only 1 week out of the relationship is definitely going to hamper you and give you negative thoughts about your next dating experience. It's farther away in the future and you likely won't even attempt it until you feel more stabilized and happier--unless someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet. Both of those scenarios will give you a greater change of success in the dating pool than your current mentality. So stop worrying about conditions that won't exist when you try to date again--they are based on the incorrect & wrong thought inputs. Maybe you won't meet your next person online. In fact, since you didn't really enjoy it and holding such strong beliefs against it, use that as motivation to figure out HOW and WHERE you should try to date. I think you desperately need a social group of friends. Try to just take things day by day for now. Are you using any of the great suggestions you've got here to make you ways through these initial days? Besides therapy and ideas for how to get her stuff back to her, there were lots of other good ones. Actively implement those. You are in victim mode and that is gonna keep you stuck. Your next important thing I think you need to do is work on your thought patterns--take yourself out of victim mode...if you were to rewrite the update you just gave us with a different set of beliefs running around in your head (less victim-y, more on neutral ground about what the future can hold, etc), what would the sentences look like?  I could rewrite for you but it's important that you do it so you realize how you are letting negative beliefs overblow this breakup and leave you sort of extreme wallowing. Try it

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

To the bolded, this is a great step. I wonder why you are so filled with fear about this?  Maybe examine that...Uncomfortable, annoyed, dreading i sort of get...but fear I'm not understanding.  Not invalidating it, but I also wonder if you work yourself up unnecessarily--I think you do IMO.  Don't make this bigger than it needs to be. A breakup is uncomfortable and it hurts but you will get through it. Not much to fear--ask yourself what it is that you ACTUALLY fear and if the fear is unsubstantiated or a real one.  If it's real then figure out how to address it. You will feel better if and when you have forward motion and action vs dwelling on your thoughts and churning them into much bigger or not reality-based thoughts. So strive for action. While I think it's great that you are putting her stuff in storage, IMO another even better decision you could have taken is to find a way to get it to her or a neutral party so that you don't have anything "leftover" or pending with her.  Do you see how leaving a tie with her will create unnecessary mental drama that weighs on you?? (and contributes to your fear feelings).

Once again, thank you very much for your response. I do come on this forum everyday and re-read everything people have written. I really do want to help myself and lift myself out of this depression. The fear is that my emotions towards her are of hatred and bitterness. I don't miss her or the relationship at all. As you said I am just ruminating on the regret and other unhelpful things. She wanted to be put on the mortgage and in one argument she said half my business is hers, even though it has nothing to do with her. I brushed off the comment at the time, however, now I am seeing she just used me. I also told her at the beginning of the relationship that I struggle when people mention their ex's even if innocently due to bad experience. I told her a lot and went deep with her. She turned out to be a liar and a cheat. Unfortunately, we don't have any mutual friends I can give her stuff to. I want it out as soon as possible so I can try and put my life back together. I am trying to get back to a place where I can enjoy my home again.

You were spot on when you said I need a self-esteem boost. I relied on dating to bring excitement to my life, instead of working on being content with my life with or without a partner. Even though the incompatibility was there from the start I thought that she would change, which is naive of me. I need to immerse myself in a hobby or something, meet new friends etc. It gets a bit harder at this age. Outside work, I mostly just walk my dog. Work is long hours and I am behind now because of this state I have got myself into.

I don't want to be a victim, I just want to get to the neutral ground as you said. I am inadvertently giving people so much power over my destiny/happiness.

[JTSW]

Have you installed that ring doorbell camera yet?

You have changed the locks so she wouldn't be able to get in even if she did turn up.

If the ring camera is installed it will catch anyone attempting to break in so their ass will go straight to jail.

[Lamron300]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Have you installed that ring doorbell camera yet?

You have changed the locks so she wouldn't be able to get in even if she did turn up.

If the ring camera is installed it will catch anyone attempting to break in so their ass will go straight to jail.

I have cctv and ring doorbell. Electrician needs to come back and reinstall the camera at the front. Ring doorbell I have yet to install, I think you have given me the push to do it today.

I am not trying to be a victim but even the therapist thought it was wrong that she would consider bringing her ex bf (who she has most likely cheated on me with, even if just by texting) to my house. Imagine the huge confrontation that would have occured, I might even be in jail now.

I never thought things would get to this. I feel so violated. I don't understand her actions. She must have known sooner or later I would get fed up of bending over backwards for her and getting nothing back in return.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Imagine the huge confrontation that would have occured, I might even be in jail now.

Has she contacted you regarding collecting her belongings? Have you contacted her about it? You can change the locks and install security but at some point you'll need to get her things out of your house. In fact you may need to put it writing that she has 30(or whatever) days to collect her things. Please discuss this with an attorney and do things accordingly. She has not threatened to just show up with her BF so it's unclear why you are discussing that with the therapist or worried about going to jail. Some legal advice about how to remove her things could help you assuage some anxiety.

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has she contacted you regarding collecting her belongings? Have you contacted her about it? You can change the locks and install security but at some point you'll need to get her things out of your house. In fact you may need to put it writing that she has 30(or whatever) days to collect her things. Please discuss this with an attorney and do things accordingly. She has not threatened to just show up with her BF so it's unclear why you are discussing that with the therapist or worried about going to jail. Some legal advice about how to remove her things could help you assuage some anxiety.

She hasn’t contacted me and I haven’t contacted her. The ex bf situation came up as when we broke up a week ago, the final factor was her ex bf was calling her. She lied about who was calling her, till I grabbed her phone and then she admitted she called/messaged him to help her get her stuff. I asked her for my house keys back on the day of breakup, she didn’t give them back. She used me the whole relationship, so I won’t be surprised if she uses one of her ex’s to try help her get her stuff as she doesn’t have a car. 
 

I am hoping to put her stuff in storage and let her know through the storage company that her belongings are there. I will pay for a months storage and that’s it. 
 

I don’t know why the situation had to be so volatile.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

 I grabbed her phone and then she admitted she called/messaged him to help her get her stuff

Yes unfortunately it seems like she was desperate to get help to get herself out. She may have fled to safety until she can figure out how to retrieve her things back from you since you  threw her out.  People may have advised her to stay away from you and your house. 

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes unfortunately it seems like she was desperate to get help to get herself out. She may have fled to safety until she can figure out how to retrieve her things back from you since you  threw her out.  People may have advised her to stay away from you and your house. 

I then told her to leave immediately. She had already packed her bags and booked an air b n b but when then got cancelled she tried to stay.  

We were speaking calmly and working things out then I found out she was cheating the whole relationship.

I think I am being fair by paying for storage, bearing in mind the circumstances. I wouldn’t have kicked her out just because we broke up, but cheating behind my back is disrespectful. This is also a lady who told me my dog belongs to her, half my business is hers and told me to put her on a mortgage she didn’t contribute to. This is only relevant because I’m starting to wonder if I knew her at all these 2.5 years. 

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I think I am being fair by paying for storage,

Send her the bill for the storage unit.

[Lamron300]

On 1/23/2023 at 12:56 PM, JTSW said:

Send her the bill for the storage unit.

I have now done every suggestion on this thread. I’m still finding this break up incredibly difficult as I feel I haven’t even been in a relationship for last 2.5 years. As she has lied and lied. Dating isn’t something that can be rushed but I just want to move on from this as quickly as possible. 

[JTSW]

15 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I just want to move on from this as quickly as possible. 

You will get there and in time it will get easier.

[Lamron300]

I have just been to my second counselling session. I don’t know if it is working or not. I just do all the talking and then the 50 minutes is up and she says see you next week. I haven’t been to counselling before, but I expected to get some coping strategies. I did tell her that this is impacting my life a lot and I haven’t been eating or sleeping well. 
 

What concerns me is why I can’t just focus on my own life. Like today is Saturday (I have no plans) but I do need to catch up on the work I haven’t been doing over the past two weeks. I have the option of going to the gym or Road trip with the dog. Even if I was still in a relationship, not much what have been different today. I worked hard to have the business and to have the house, why can’t I just enjoy it? I don’t need someone else’s presence. 
 

I downloaded dating apps to kill some time and boost self esteem. To convince myself that there are good women out there. I have been talking to a few people, however, I feel very guarded. Because in my head I feel the last relationship was a whole lie, I don’t feel like I have just come out of a long term relationship. 

I want my counsellor to help me with putting my life in perspective. I have clients complaining as their reports are late etc etc. I am losing weight as the stress is making stomach worse. My ex partner and I were clearly incompatible, if I didn’t have underlying worries, surely this wouldn’t be impacting me this much. I don’t miss my ex partner, I just keep putting myself on victim mode. I feel anger and regret. Like she has denied me of the support and companionship I made clear I wanted. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I want my counsellor to help me with putting my life in perspective.

Sorry this is happening. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. You're having a lot of physical symptoms. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

A couple of talk sessions isn't going to help if you have underlying and unaddressed mental or physical health issues. You also need to find a therapist you have a better rapport with.

[Lamron300]

It’s now been 4 weeks since the breakup. I’ve had 4 therapy sessions (expensive). Unfortunately, the therapy isn’t working. I thought the therapist offers analysis/solutions but she said that it’s a talking therapy. I just talk for 50 minutes and that’s it. The doctors are offering me medications.

I’ve put all her stuff in storage and changed the locks in my house. I haven’t heard from her (which is good) but not sure her plans with her stuff.

I’m still feeling bitter, sad and betrayed. I’ve done all the suggestions and therapy but nothing has worked yet.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m still feeling bitter, sad and betrayed. I’ve done all the suggestions and therapy but nothing has worked yet.

You have to be patient. Feeling bitter, sad, and betrayed is very understandable. Trying to not feel those natural feelings will actually work against you. Exercise is good. Force yourself to eat healthy meals. When your mind drifts to her or those thoughts that cause the bitter feelings just mentally acknowledge you’re thinking about it again. You can’t control your feelings and it’s very hard to control your thoughts. Over time, the amount of time you spend thinking about her will diminish. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s now been 4 weeks since the breakup. I’ve had 4 therapy sessions (expensive). Unfortunately, the therapy isn’t working. I thought the therapist offers analysis/solutions but she said that it’s a talking therapy. I just talk for 50 minutes and that’s it. The doctors are offering me medications.

I’ve put all her stuff in storage and changed the locks in my house. I haven’t heard from her (which is good) but not sure her plans with her stuff.

I’m still feeling bitter, sad and betrayed. I’ve done all the suggestions and therapy but nothing has worked yet.

You’re on the right track. Don’t be so harsh with yourself. Four weeks is a small drop in the bucket. It can take many weeks and months sometimes to feel fully like yourself again. 

Revisit the issue with her things in a couple of weeks and try to reach a resolution. Talk to a lawyer if you feel you need more advice on the issue so you sever these last remnants of the break up still tying you to the past. Of course it’s difficult to move on and date again while paying for storage of items for an ex girlfriend with whom you just broke up four weeks ago. 

Join some interest groups and find hobbies. I don’t recommend dating right now.

[Lamron300]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re on the right track. Don’t be so harsh with yourself. Four weeks is a small drop in the bucket. It can take many weeks and months sometimes to feel fully like yourself again. 

Join some interest groups and find hobbies. I don’t recommend dating right now.

Thank you. I have been considering joining some interest groups or even just using my gym membership, been feeling so drained though. I just hope in time I can forget about this. The bad feeling stems from the fact that how much of the relationship was real? She’s been texting her ex behind my back probably the whole relationship. Early on in the relationship she said why can’t she just withdraw money from MY Business account. The signs were always there she was a user, but I blanked them. Therapy hasn’t helped me cope and again I feel used as it’s very expensive which I don’t mind but what she told me when I signed up isn’t true. She said there would be a plan to end therapy.. there isn’t. She just listens to me talk and then that’s it. That’s why I am on this forum as I am actually getting helpful advice. 

[glows]

On 2/11/2023 at 10:00 AM, Lamron300 said:

Thank you. I have been considering joining some interest groups or even just using my gym membership, been feeling so drained though. I just hope in time I can forget about this. The bad feeling stems from the fact that how much of the relationship was real? She’s been texting her ex behind my back probably the whole relationship. Early on in the relationship she said why can’t she just withdraw money from MY Business account. The signs were always there she was a user, but I blanked them. Therapy hasn’t helped me cope and again I feel used as it’s very expensive which I don’t mind but what she told me when I signed up isn’t true. She said there would be a plan to end therapy.. there isn’t. She just listens to me talk and then that’s it. That’s why I am on this forum as I am actually getting helpful advice. 

I tried therapy too but it was a bit slow and while reflective on my own time I usually do it being active. I’m thinking or processing a lot while doing other things. Sitting in a chair talking seemed unnatural but it does work for many so a worthwhile try. You tried it and it wasn’t for you.

This soon after a break up second guessing yourself or your decisions will probably come in full force. You’re unsure and questioning everything. Don’t forget context. In the face of complete insecurity and feeling devastated we also can’t neglect that context matters. For ie if she wanted to access the business account for business related matters. Some people are also naive and inexperienced in finance and business. It doesn’t necessarily mean she was a user. You both weren’t compatible to start so there are bound to be differences in the way you problem solve everyday work or personal issues too. 

Eventually move on from paying for storage for her things. You know psychologically that’s just keeping you tied to the past.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Therapy isn't for everyone. And sometimes, a therapist just isn't a good fit for us. 

You could certainly opt to stop going, or you could try to find someone else you feel more in tune with. But do be patient with your healing. It hasn't been that long since the break-up so it's normal that you're still feeling all the bad feelings. It's going to take time to start to feel better. Let yourself feel those things. Write them out here, if you find it helpful. 

[Lamron300]

On 2/13/2023 at 5:59 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Therapy isn't for everyone. And sometimes, a therapist just isn't a good fit for us. 

You could certainly opt to stop going, or you could try to find someone else you feel more in tune with. But do be patient with your healing. It hasn't been that long since the break-up so it's normal that you're still feeling all the bad feelings. It's going to take time to start to feel better. Let yourself feel those things. Write them out here, if you find it helpful. 

Hi,

Yes, I do find it quite helpful writing it out there. My therapist didn't really tell me her actual role. It was a talking therapy so I just talk for 50 minutes whilst she nods. She looks at the clock says time up and see you next week. It was very expensive and not helpful. I am not sure to carry on with a different therapist or stop.