I am assisting my Mother to move out of her home by myself, am freaking out

[mario_C]

[ ] 

Closing on Mom's home of 35 years starts soon. I will have to do all the moving myself as she is too emotionally distraught to do it. She decided to sell as she is old and has too many health problems (mentally but also physically) to maintain a big estate like what she has. But I will have to do all the work and I'm at wit's end.

We're calling the Pods people and I'm asking her for details on what to take and so forth, but I just know everything will go wrong and there will be much drama and I can't deal with it.

Thanks for listening.

 

Edited January 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[FMW]

Just remember it's a temporary situation, you WILL get through it. 

Why do you think there will be drama?  Why are you so sure "everything" will go wrong?  Why do you feel you can't deal with it? 

Look at it in a work/process/project kind of way.  Break it down into steps.  Make notes, lists, calendar entries and anything else that will help you feel organized and more in control.  And then just move forward.  Rarely does any big project go perfectly, but just do your best and work through any difficulties or delays that might come along, keeping your eye on the end goal.

Edited January 16, 2023 by FMW

[mario_C]

54 minutes ago, FMW said:

Just remember it's a temporary situation, you WILL get through it. 

Why do you think there will be drama?  Why are you so sure "everything" will go wrong?  Why do you feel you can't deal with it? 

Look at it in a work/process/project kind of way.  Break it down into steps.  Make notes, lists, calendar entries and anything else that will help you feel organized and more in control.  And then just move forward.  Rarely does any big project go perfectly, but just do your best and work through any difficulties or delays that might come along, keeping your eye on the end goal.

Hi FMW! Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it.

 

I'm the organized one. I'm sort of anal regarding planning and making things happen. Planning is my thing.

She plans nothing - she had no plan for retirement in the first place, above and beyond dropping dead at her desk and leaving me to clean up the mess. Well...that didn't happen, and here we are.

She's basically constantly distraught that she has to sell the home, and it's ironically caused doing this to get drug out for months already. I don't understand why, so comforting her is hard for me, and it ends up just eating me up because I feel like I should have done more to help her out of this situation. (Me buying the house? No, not an option.) Meanwhile, I have to push her to do what she says she needs to do, every time. I have to be her support, her "rock" as she's constantly telling me.

And who's my support? I have no IRL friends to even talk to. I'm going back to school while driving Ub3r to keep funds in, and I'm all alone. Her daughter wants nothing to do with us; her sister/my auntie wants to help but she's also elderly and can do so much.

I just feel really alone and it's overwhelming.

[Alpacalia]

You're undertaking a very large endeavor. It's quite natural that you're feeling a bit apprehensive and overwhelmed.

Why isn't her daughter helping? Is that your sister?

[mario_C]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're undertaking a very large endeavor. It's quite natural that you're feeling a bit apprehensive and overwhelmed.

Why isn't her daughter helping? Is that your sister?

Thank you, Alpacalia. Yes, my sister / her daughter has been estranged from the family for basically ever. They fought for many years beforehand, and while we fought too, at some point I thought we could reconcile, but she refused to and ghosted us. There's no heroes in that drama, but still...

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, mario_C said:

Thank you, Alpacalia. Yes, my sister / her daughter has been estranged from the family for basically ever. They fought for many years beforehand, and while we fought too, at some point I thought we could reconcile, but she refused to and ghosted us. There's no heroes in that drama, but still...

Yikes.

Quite a challenge, it seems!

It will be easier to see things optimistically if you see what you're doing as your own decision to take care of your mom.

Seems that sometimes siblings recognize that helping the parent is necessary, but don't do it, claiming that another brother or sister is better positioned to do it or should take full responsibility based on some rationale. Either it's not the responsibility of the adult children or it is. And if it is, it needs to be apportioned on some equitable basis. It may be very hard to determine what is equitable, but saying "I don't want to do it, so it's on you." doesn't begin to approach it.

That's really unfortunate.

Not sure where you live but if you're in the U.S. AARP has some great resources:

Find Local Caregiver Resources and Support In Your State (aarp.org)

[FMW]

Is your mother willing to talk to a counselor to help her deal with her overwhelming feelings and by extension relieve you?  If money is an issue there might be low cost or free counseling through religious or older adult organizations.  

Do you think it would make a positive difference if you are firmer with her about how things need to be in order for you to help her?  Like letting her know you can't handle all the logistical issues of the move in addition to being her lone emotional support and motivational coach.  You can't be everything to her, especially when handling the large and involved project of selling her home and disposing of/moving her belongings somewhere else that it sounds like you will probably also be locating and arranging.  

I am my 76 year old mother's only child, my father has passed and I dread the day probably not too far in the future that I will have to deal with similar issues on my own.  My mother still lives in the large home she shared with my father (and with me from the ages of 10 to 18), it's packed full.  She even jokes about feeling sorry for me having to deal with it after she's gone.  After my divorce I sold a huge home full of furniture and all the things people collect over time, my ex-husband took nothing but his clothes and a small amount of other items.  It was incredibly stressful going through the selling process, choosing what would move with me and what would be donated, and locating and arranging for a new place to live. I shared all that to say I have an inkling of what you're dealing with, and I get how overwhelmed you must feel. 

Be kind and patient with yourself - you've got a hard job to do, it's going to take time. Don't put extra pressure on yourself.  

 

 

[JTSW]

If it's too overwhelming and too much for you then get someone to help you.

Hire a moving company and they'll do allot of the leg work for you.

Think of your own mental health and wellbeing.

[ASG]

On 1/16/2023 at 11:41 PM, FMW said:

Is your mother willing to talk to a counselor to help her deal with her overwhelming feelings and by extension relieve you?  If money is an issue there might be low cost or free counseling through religious or older adult organizations.  

Do you think it would make a positive difference if you are firmer with her about how things need to be in order for you to help her?  Like letting her know you can't handle all the logistical issues of the move in addition to being her lone emotional support and motivational coach.  You can't be everything to her, especially when handling the large and involved project of selling her home and disposing of/moving her belongings somewhere else that it sounds like you will probably also be locating and arranging.  

I am my 76 year old mother's only child, my father has passed and I dread the day probably not too far in the future that I will have to deal with similar issues on my own.  My mother still lives in the large home she shared with my father (and with me from the ages of 10 to 18), it's packed full.  She even jokes about feeling sorry for me having to deal with it after she's gone.  After my divorce I sold a huge home full of furniture and all the things people collect over time, my ex-husband took nothing but his clothes and a small amount of other items.  It was incredibly stressful going through the selling process, choosing what would move with me and what would be donated, and locating and arranging for a new place to live. I shared all that to say I have an inkling of what you're dealing with, and I get how overwhelmed you must feel. 

Be kind and patient with yourself - you've got a hard job to do, it's going to take time. Don't put extra pressure on yourself.  

 

 

Ooft, I dread the day I have to deal with my dad's house!!! He's 74, and it's a small flat, but it is FULL TO THE CEILING WITH THINGS AND STUFF! 

In any case, @mario_C, you say she's selling her home. OK. Where is she moving to? Is there a plan for that? 

Do you have to start packing yet?

If yes, what tends to work for me is to start in one room and just DO IT. That one room. In one (or several) go(es), but one room at a time. With plenty of bin bags handy for all the things that have been accumulated, but that hold no real value, either monetary or sentimental. 

It is definitely overwhelming. But making a plan is the best way!

[mario_C]

On 1/18/2023 at 9:59 AM, ASG said:

Ooft, I dread the day I have to deal with my dad's house!!! He's 74, and it's a small flat, but it is FULL TO THE CEILING WITH THINGS AND STUFF! 

In any case, @mario_C, you say she's selling her home. OK. Where is she moving to? Is there a plan for that? 

Do you have to start packing yet?

If yes, what tends to work for me is to start in one room and just DO IT. That one room. In one (or several) go(es), but one room at a time. With plenty of bin bags handy for all the things that have been accumulated, but that hold no real value, either monetary or sentimental. 

It is definitely overwhelming. But making a plan is the best way!

Hi, ASG! She's moved into her other house, a sort of vacation house where I've been living for the past few years. So we're both here now in a little house by the beach - she's downstairs, I'm upstairs. It's...uncomfortable, but what do you want for free? 😕

We've been moving everything I can stuff into my subcompact car for a few months now, and we're getting a P0ds for big items and a dumpster for the rest.

She keeps saying she'll take the initiative and direct stuff, but she's clearly not up to it emotionally or physically or in any way, and godforbid I be allowed to help in any real way.

One thing we want to do is hire a cleaning service - she had let the house and herself fall into disrepair as she got sicker and sicker, and seeing the aftermath of that upsets her. Making it look and smell better could help?

[Alpacalia]

I have helped take care of my mother financially, physically, and emotionally for over 10 years. Children eventually become parents to their parents (in a sense).

There is no doubt that dealing with the health concerns of a loved one is not an easy process.

I would simply suggest that you try to make her feel as if she is part of the process if you can.

Ask for her input. Whether it is something as simple as saying "Hi Mom, I was thinking about doing x, y, and z, and I would really love to hear what you think about this".

She is going through a transformation of her entire world at the moment. Super scary stuff.

As well, make sure to take good care of yourself during the process!

 

Edited January 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mario_C]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I have helped take care of my mother financially, physically, and emotionally for over 10 years. Children eventually become parents to their parents (in a sense).

There is no doubt that dealing with the health concerns of a loved one is not an easy process.

I would simply suggest that you try to make her feel as if she is part of the process if you can.

Ask for her input. Whether it is something as simple as saying "Hi Mom, I was thinking about doing x, y, and z, and I would really love to hear what you think about this".

She is going through a transformation of her entire world at the moment. Super scary stuff.

As well, make sure to take good care of yourself during the process!

 

The opposite is, unfortunately, the problem: she refuses help and denigrates me when I try to help. This is why the move is taking forever...she's not up to it, she insists she is, things don't get done. Lather rinse repeat.

We both want this to be over, I think...but getting over these last hurdles are the hardest.

[mario_C]

An update: the buyers in contract fell through so we're looking to do a deep clean of the house and then call more realtors. (She's been trying to sell it herself, because of course she has.) I think this would be great because it would reinforce to her that this is a fresh start and a positive experience instead of a negative one. She would absolutely feel better about the house if it looked and smelled nicer. We can currently afford to do this and not rush on selling the house.

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, mario_C said:

The opposite is, unfortunately, the problem: she refuses help and denigrates me when I try to help. This is why the move is taking forever...she's not up to it, she insists she is, things don't get done. Lather rinse repeat.

We both want this to be over, I think...but getting over these last hurdles are the hardest.

Yep!

Sounds like your mother has a lot of unresolved issues.

I would recommend that you try to focus your attention on the respect and support you receive from others instead. Keeping in mind that you will have to leave the house at some point in order to live on your own and you will no longer have to hear your mother's criticisms so frequently.

In the meantime, sounds like you found a new way to handle the move and that part seems to be going well. Good for you!

A deep clean is a good idea. Having it presentable will help with the sale and also is just much nicer to live in.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mario_C]

16 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yep!

Sounds like your mother has a lot of unresolved issues.

I would recommend that you try to focus your attention on the respect and support you receive from others instead. Keeping in mind that you will have to leave the house at some point in order to live on your own and you will no longer have to hear your mother's criticisms so frequently.

In the meantime, sounds like you found a new way to handle the move and that part seems to be going well. Good for you!

A deep clean is a good idea. Having it presentable will help with the sale and also is just much nicer to live in.

I appreciate the help I've gotten from everyone in here very much. I have no friends at all IRL so that makes this that much more valuable to me.

Our living situation is uncomfortable, but reclaiming our own space once the house is sold is going to be a challenge. She is incredibly needy and has some cognitive issues - that's nothing new, though. She can't move out, but coping with me moving out is a problem.

There's just no easy way through any of this.

[mario_C]

Closing and moving happening. I'm exhausted, but I see the light at the end of a dark tunnel, and that helps with things.

Just wanted to say before the site crashes and goes away, thank you guys for listening. I try to do the same for you, even if I can't really think of anything to say in a given conversation.

[S2B]

On 1/20/2023 at 7:39 AM, mario_C said:

The opposite is, unfortunately, the problem: she refuses help and denigrates me when I try to help. This is why the move is taking forever...she's not up to it, she insists she is, things don't get done. Lather rinse repeat.

We both want this to be over, I think...but getting over these last hurdles are the hardest.

Then tell her to hire movers to do the work. She must have proceeds from the sale - so step away from her drama and let movers handle it for her.

[mario_C]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

Then tell her to hire movers to do the work. She must have proceeds from the sale - so step away from her drama and let movers handle it for her.

Yep, movers are coming Sunday. We were packing today, so she was nasty to me and aggressive and agitated all day while I tried to keep her sane and focused. I hate this so much.

Basically old clothes and junk she should have gotten rid of years ago anyway - she was busy, I guess...The stuff is now in bags piled literally to the ceiling, just her wardrobe - one room! And we have *checks watch* 60 or so hours to pack the rest of the house up so the movers can shlep it down to the new home, so she can throw tons of it into a charity bin anyway. Because I have nothing better to do with my life - a job, continuing ed...who cares what I need to get done, right?

We're talking months of this nonsense at this point. 10 months since she decided to sell, 4 months of the buyers trying to get funding, that we could have gotten all this done. And it hasn't been done because she refuses to accept help from anyone and refuses to think ahead and refuses to help with anything.

So tomorrow we've been assured by the lawyer we get paid, and next week things will be better. I don't think I can move right out due to her cognitive issues, but I need some space to make friends and have my own life. I can't live like this.

Edited January 27, 2023 by mario_C

[S2B]

You really need to step away and allow her to just do it (or not) on her own.

you being there isn’t going to make her get it done. 

fine any way possible to NOT move in with her!

rent a cheap furnished room somewhere - anywhere. Leave your Mom to handle her stuff herself.

I say this because any person needing help that abuses the person offering help means the person willing to help should exit immediately. 

[Alpacalia]

Good to hear.

One step at a time.

Your mothers actions puts you in defense mode. So don’t defend yourself with her. It’s not worth it!

Choose what’s good for you and do it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, mario_C said:

 move right out due to her cognitive issues 

Have you discussed the cognitive issues with her healthcare providers? Research if she is eligible for some home health and other resources. Elders with cognitive issues can be combative and easily confused. See what her health insurance covers and see if community resources are available for elder care.

[mario_C]

The move is done, basically. We had words...it wasn't pleasant standing up for myself, especially in this weird and high stress situation. But she says she will try to work on her panic and anxiety issues and do self care.

Will she? Who knows?