Curious R Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 45 yr old male asking question about text received from fiancé. While discussing unrelated topic… “ . Also, I’m looking to go to the carrribean at the end of march. LMK if you are interested/able/want to come. “ Would anyone else in a long term committed relationship be a little tweaked with this at all or am I making something out of nothing? Thank you for any responses! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 I'd expect her to say to you "I've been thinking that it would be nice to go to the Carribean...what do you think?" and involve you in the planning. That said, perhaps that was exactly her goal and she just worded it poorly. I wouldn't think too much about it unless there are other issues which make you question it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 3 hours ago, Curious R said: 45 yr old male asking question about text received from fiancé. While discussing unrelated topic… “ . Also, I’m looking to go to the carrribean at the end of march. LMK if you are interested/able/want to come. “ Do you mean your own finacée sent you that invitation? How are things in the relationship otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) Without more context, I can't tell you if it's normal for her/your relationship and whether it's good or bad. For instance, why is she going? For business? To visit family? For leisure? Does she routinely travel alone? Do you typically communicate about important stuff via text? Is she generally a lousy communicator? What exactly bugs you about it? The short notice? That she wrote it via text? That it's brought up as a by-the-way? That she would apparently be okay traveling without you? Also, have you made a big deal about it to her or are you seething quietly? If the former, what did you say? Edited January 17, 2023 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 Firstly, how long have you been together/engaged? To me it sounds like you have never been on a trip together and she is treading lightly to see if you would want to. She's wording it that way so you won't feel pressured. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 8 hours ago, Curious R said: . Also, I’m looking to go to the carrribean at the end of march. LMK if you are interested/able/want to come. “ There's nothing odd about wanting to plan a vacation with you. Why does this concern you? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) If someone asks you a question then it prompts a response. If you're interested in going, then say so. Edited January 17, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curious R Posted January 17, 2023 Author Share Posted January 17, 2023 Thank you for the responses. All very insightful. I understand more context/ background is needed and would be helpful. We have been together for a couple of years and have travelled multiple times together. This trip is for leisure only. I believe my concern with this situation is that as a couple we seem to run into the issue of my fiancé doing things that I would consider to be “ couple things, or couple decisions” unilaterally by herself with little or no communication or consult as a couple. Ie; in this situation my perception would be to paraphrase the msg as “ I’m going away in March, you can come if you want” , which feels like a much different than inquiring or wanting to plan a trip as a couple…. if that makes any sense… 🤷♂️ Thanks again everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 I think she wants to go to the Caribbean at the end of March, and would like you to go too. My impression is that if you can't / won't go, she is likely to go on her own. That seems OK to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 This is a common problem with texting. Society and culture today seem to veer away from talking and just sending messages which are often misundersood. I would suggest you and your fiancee set down over a glass of wine and talk about both this trip and also about how a couple can create a safe environment with good communication practices. if she has already made the decision to go with or without you, it should serve as a red flag that this is who she is. She is someone, while in a serious relationship, will be making unilateral decisions. I also would suggest you watch her reaction to the discussion of joint decision making ideas and see if she's receptive to that. Take note of her reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) 16 hours ago, Curious R said: Would anyone else in a long term committed relationship be a little tweaked with this at all or am I making something out of nothing? I'm married to the guy I've been with for 15 years, and I'd be totally fine with it, unless there were extenuating circumstances that would draw my attention (e.g. this person constantly declines trips with me because they don't have "enough leave" or "enough money", but all of a sudden they have enough leave/money). But then, I'm generally of the belief that couples don't necessarily have to be joined at the hip, even when engaged/married. Which part of it bothers you? Edited January 17, 2023 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 Contest will be important here too. If you two have had challenges coordinating trips together because of work schedules or whatever, she might be at the point where she is going to plan to travel when she can take the time off whether that will work for you or not. Or perhaps she really wants to go to the Caribbean and you have seemed lukewarm about it. So she is taking the initiative. It doesn't mean that she is averse with planning together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 You are right to be bothered by her communication. as a couple we seem to run into the issue of my fiancé doing things that I would consider to be “ couple things, or couple decisions” unilaterally by herself You have identified an important dynamic. Sounds to me that you haven't insisted on an open discussion of this issue. Usually by the time a couple is engaged, she would share her plans with you in person, and in person (in a way that felt safe to you) she would say "I'd like to go ... Do you want to go?? Even if she plans to go alone or is thinking about going alone, she should (would have been smart) to share this in person where you can get the voice tone and body language. There are couples where one partner definitely goes on trips without the other coming along. But it makes sense for that partner to openly disclose that in the relationship and make their expectations clear and it makes sense that you would have discussions with her if you're uncomfortable with her traveling alone. But yes, I think many people would have trouble with that wording. Question: is she distant in other areas of the relationship? Is there other stuff that she doesn't really discuss with you? You guys need to have a real discussion on this before you get married. And this may be several discussions. And then you both will need to check with each other to make sure you'll ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Kassieee Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 You are over analyzing. It's a new day in age, you can be in a relationship and make decisions and plans for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 I can understand being taken back by this. How old is she? How commingled are your lives? You say fiancé, it sounds like you are not living together yet - when is that planned to change? I ask these questions, as yes, it certainly seems like she is making plans like a single person would, rather than how I would expect a married person to. I am assuming this is due to not having your lives solidly intertwined, and getting married later in life, she has certainly become accustomed to making plans, decisions etc. on her own. This could be a MAJOR issue once you two get married if you are not on the same page. Some treat marriage as a simple partnership, with separate finances, decision making etc. While others (my self included) treat marriage as more of a full merger, with all major decisions discussed and agreed upon, finances shared etc. I would NEVER tell my husband "hey I am going on a trip, want to come?" Because I would have been including him in my thoughts and plans "I really want to go to the Caribbean, March seems like a great time to go, what do you think?" In short, it may be a simple text, but can also be an indicator of a much bigger issue - different expectations of how you two will function as a married couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 Is your main concern that she might possibly want to take a trip without you? Or, is it that she does not include you in the planning of the trips that you take together as a couple that you find unsettling. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 (edited) On 1/16/2023 at 4:58 PM, Curious R said: 45 yr old male asking question about text received from fiancé. While discussing unrelated topic… “ . Also, I’m looking to go to the carrribean at the end of march. LMK if you are interested/able/want to come. “ Would anyone else in a long term committed relationship be a little tweaked with this at all or am I making something out of nothing? Thank you for any responses! I bolded the parts that would concern me too, given the fact we are engaged to be married! It sounds like something one would say to a casual friend. As her fiancé, I find it odd that she phrased it as if she is planning this vacation solo, but hey let me know if you want to join. Good gawd. It would appear she hasn't grasped that you are a "couple" and engaged to be married to boot, and as such you plan vacations together? Not solo, but then ask your fiancé if he wants to join? I mean what the actual heck. How close are you? And other than that, how is everything else going? Edited January 20, 2023 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
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