Guy is awkward around me [update - how to move on]

[glows]

On 1/23/2023 at 5:53 AM, Ronja said:

I avoid people i like because i have a fear of intimacy. Amirering from afar is easier but oncf they get close, I kinda panic and push them away even though I really like them. 

Is this a fear of rejection? Being vulnerable isn’t always easy but the key is  identifying people who are respectful and thoughtful. 

Liking someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re any company worth knowing more intimately. Be confident in your choices and how to read people. There’s also no way to prevent pain in this life. It’s going to happen and we cross each bridge as it comes. They’re all calculated risks each time we begin a new relationship. Whatever happens tell yourself you will be ok and be choosy in your company.

[Ronja]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Is this a fear of rejection? Being vulnerable isn’t always easy but the key is  identifying people who are respectful and thoughtful. 

Liking someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re any company worth knowing more intimately. Be confident in your choices and how to read people. There’s also no way to prevent pain in this life. It’s going to happen and we cross each bridge as it comes. They’re all calculated risks each time we begin a new relationship. Whatever happens tell yourself you will be ok and be choosy in your company.

 

[Ronja]

1 minute ago, Ronja said:

 

Yes, it's both a very big fear of rejection but also a fear of letting someone get close to me. That's why I always ended up with the guys i didn't really wanted to be with because they couldn't hurt me the same way. Like they say give someone the key to your home they have the power to make you home less. Unfortunatly i have been soo guarded that i end up missing out. The only guy i was with that i actually liked nearly gave up several times cuz i didn't give anything back. 

[glows]

47 minutes ago, Ronja said:

Yes, it's both a very big fear of rejection but also a fear of letting someone get close to me. That's why I always ended up with the guys i didn't really wanted to be with because they couldn't hurt me the same way. Like they say give someone the key to your home they have the power to make you home less. Unfortunatly i have been soo guarded that i end up missing out. The only guy i was with that i actually liked nearly gave up several times cuz i didn't give anything back. 

Yes, I hear you but did you have a chance to think about what I mentioned as well about identifying reliable or trustworthy individuals? 

You’re insecure with yourself and making poor decisions in the past may have added to that insecurity. If someone hurt or damaged you to begin with it’s natural to recoil from an experience like dating or feel the need to put up those walls. You stop that by reviewing your company for one and start making better decisions about who you choose around you. 

Being a bit more confident and able to open up or be vulnerable is more about building momentum and trust in your own choices. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Ronja said:

The only guy i was with that i actually liked nearly gave up several times cuz i didn't give anything back. 

How did your therapy session go? 

[poppyfields]

On 1/25/2023 at 9:05 AM, Ronja said:

Yes, it's both a very big fear of rejection but also a fear of letting someone get close to me. That's why I always ended up with the guys i didn't really wanted to be with because they couldn't hurt me the same way. Like they say give someone the key to your home they have the power to make you home less. Unfortunatly i have been soo guarded that i end up missing out. The only guy i was with that i actually liked nearly gave up several times cuz i didn't give anything back. 

You need to speak with a therapist about this, seriously.  You have a fear of relationships, intimacy and commitment.  My brother is the same, I have posted about him before.

It's about ANXIETY, and until you get a handle on your anxiety and fears, you will push every man you develop feelings for away and never be able to bond and develop a close intimate relationship with any such man you have romantic feelings for.

You have taken the first step.  Owning your fear, owning your anxiety.

Next step is seeking professional help to determine where it stems from (most likely somewhere in your childhood) and resolving.

Such fears and anxieties are not easily overcome, they often take years, my dear brother is still struggling after ten years.  He is making progress though.  👍

Good luck.

Edited January 26, 2023 by poppyfields

[Ronja]

On 1/26/2023 at 9:44 PM, poppyfields said:

You need to speak with a therapist about this, seriously.  You have a fear of relationships, intimacy and commitment.  My brother is the same, I have posted about him before.

It's about ANXIETY, and until you get a handle on your anxiety and fears, you will push every man you develop feelings for away and never be able to bond and develop a close intimate relationship with any such man you have romantic feelings for.

You have taken the first step.  Owning your fear, owning your anxiety.

Next step is seeking professional help to determine where it stems from (most likely somewhere in your childhood) and resolving.

Such fears and anxieties are not easily overcome, they often take years, my dear brother is still struggling after ten years.  He is making progress though.  👍

Good luck.

Thank you so much 

[Ronja]

On 1/26/2023 at 9:31 AM, JTSW said:

How did your therapy session go? 

Haven't started yet. I found a good one but it's soo expensive 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ronja said:

Haven't started yet. I found a good one but it's soo expensive 

Do you have medical insurance? Start by going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified, affordable therapist. See if you can inquire about groups and other affordable options. Allow your health insurance and healthcare providers to help you find the help you're looking for.

[Ronja]

Sorry this might be a long one.

So I had a guy at work pursuing me through 6 months, asking me to go for drinks after work alone getting all nervous and awkward around me (as the only one), turning his back to me when men were flirting with me and got mad when men where not treating me well (didn't act like this with any other) only to have him pull the rug away from underneath me after a date. I got defensive with him and then he broke my heart, it takes a lot for me to believe that someone is interested in me (other collegues thought he liked me too) and so hurt a lot. Ever since then moving on has been a struggle. He is still weird around me, like he didn't invite me to his birthday party but celebrated his birthday two meters away from me in the café I work at (a hostel where he works reception) they don't make us work on our birthdays and people thought it was weird he was there with a friend and his brother and not going out. At the staff party (back last october) he didn't speak to me but everyone else, but he came up and stood right next to me not talking to me. Then we had to do an escape room (great! being locked in a room with the guy that broke your heart) we were told we were gonna be divided into two groups, one big on and one small. He and my two friend (female both collegues and mutual friends) were all standing in the back to the big room, so I thought I'm gonna go up front to the small room to get some space, but he followed me to the small group and even though we were told the group was too big and one had to join the big group he stayed making it all weird.

He doesn't talk to me infront of collegues but he will talk to me when alone calling me by nick name (as the only one doesn't call other people by name even). He can't even remember his collegues names that he works with in reception (including one guy he invited to his b party but didn't invite me) He has a lot of trauma (has ADHD and struggle with relationsships, like myself) One day I sat at the end of the counter of the café getting a drink after work and had a male collegue sit on my right talking to me, the other guy came over, interupted our conversations and started one with the guy. He then started to talk to the girl working the café. He was standing so close our bodys touched. He then said goodbye to the, as a group then looked back at me and gave me an awkward smile and a nod. Which hurt, they get a proper goodbye and I get a nod like what's that about? He then went to clock out and as he leaft the office he was looking at me. Did the same thing one time before, me sitting by the counter talking to another male collegue he walked around the counter started talking to the guy next to me saying hi how are you, stuff like that, then he started talking to the girl working the café, then he walked up and started making a tea for himself. The box of teas were right infront of me but he never looked at me or said hi, not until he came to order his food. 

Then I found out that he started seeing the girl mentioned where he gave me the awkward smile and nod. She has the same colour eyes, same hair colour, same type even has the same laughter as me but is way younger and in my eyes prettier. That hurt like hell, seeing him with another collegue and then acting weird around me. After that (back in Feb) he came to sit at the end of the counter of the café (two meters away) 20 min before his shift started. I was waiting for the girl join him before as she had once before (and she was still living at the hostel not having her own space) but she never showed, he just sat there looking at me, looking at his phone (he did this twice) One day I was sitting there enjoying my coffee before my shift like I always do, and he walked up and started to make himself a tea (he wasn't there to work just to make himself a take away tea so he could go read his book in the park) he pulled out the chair next to me and sat down next to me but didn't say anything. I got surprised and waited for him to say hi (since he was the one sitting next to me) but he didn't so I asked about his book (a book about trauma) to break the silence he tried to explain but seemed embarrased and then he went gotta go catch some sun. 

Two weeks later we had another staff party (the week after valentines day) He arrived with the girl (now official a couple and two weeks later they moved into a houseshare with her friends) They had a double decker party bus lined up for us and during the two hour ride all they did was kiss. we stopped to have a group photo taken, I was the first to go back into the bus and find my seat in the middle. He came in after me and sat right opposite from me. Not fun. You don't talk to me infront of collegues so why come over here and sit when theres so much space. Secondly I didn't particular wanted to have them make out in front me , but getting up an leave would have made it too obvious that I still like him. He said cheers with me and the boy who sat next to me. They then went to the front of the bus, everybody went to the front except me and a guy. We stayed in the middle dancing infront of each other. The guy then came down to our end and started filming us (I could tell by the way he was moving his phone. Like everybody was filming but he went from the busy end of the bus to the end where me and a guy was dancing. He just stayed there looking at his phone, looking at us until his girl came running over to make out again. We all ended at a pub for food and drinks but i left early with another girl cuz we wanted to be fresh for our shift the following day. The next he came to make his tea and he asked me if I had fun at the staff party, I said I had lot's of fun expecially the party bus, and he sounded a bit dissapointed over that. 

It's all been very hard, I don't trust people easily and we all though that he liked me, and trying to move on from someone that you see everyday, making out with her right infront of me when I'm working is hard. I don't know what his problem with me is, I'm the only one that he gets nervous and awkward around and being treated differently just brings up a lot of bad memorices. Like he didn't get nervous around until the moment he started asking me to go for drinks with him, he even came to my house ( he was more interested in coming to my house than his our mutual friend (girl) who he works reception with. So going from having someon sinlgling me out, flirting getting nervous, coming to my house gathering then being kicked out of the friendzone, ignored in front of co workers and then seeing him with a girl similar to me has been one emotional rollercoaster I'm still trying to get out of my system. Again sorry for the long post.

[semble]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ronja said:

 seeing him with a girl similar to me has been one emotional rollercoaster I'm still trying to get out of my system. 

Sorry this happened. It sounds more like you dodged a bullet. Workplaces wolves like this are insincere.

Be glad you're rid of this cad. He's not your headache anymore. Just avoid him at work and feel sorry for whatever woman he's using now.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local men you don't work with.  Enjoy yourself and your life more outside of work.

 

[stillafool]

I think you've been here about this guy before.  Is there anyway you can find another job?  That's the problem with getting involved romantically with work mates because when it ends one person always ends up hurt when the other moves on.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are going to need to distance yourself as much as possible from him, and yes, that's going to be very difficult when you work together. It's a risk you took when getting involved with a coworker, unfortunately. 

I would see about getting a different job. Otherwise, it's going to continue to be very awkward watching his new relationship develop. 

[stillafool]

I don't think this guy is awkward around you as much as the situation you're in is awkward.  Not being over him makes you see some of his actions as an attempt to upset you because he's not over you.  If that were the case he wouldn't have made the other girl his girlfriend.  Yes other people said he really liked you and that is probably true; but people also fall for other people and break up.  I think it's going to be rough for you to contnue working there.  They are not going to stop showing affection to each other.  Have you thought about getting another job?

Also have you tried therapy to cope with this?

Edited April 10, 2023 by stillafool

[Ronja]

On 1/28/2023 at 6:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have medical insurance? Start by going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified, affordable therapist. See if you can inquire about groups and other affordable options. Allow your health insurance and healthcare providers to help you find the help you're looking for.

It's quiet expensive, but I have been asking around to found one that's affordable. Hopefully I find someone who can help, because it has taken it's toll on me. I react very strongly to this kind of stuff.

[Ronja]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think you've been here about this guy before.  Is there anyway you can find another job?  That's the problem with getting involved romantically with work mates because when it ends one person always ends up hurt when the other moves on.

Yes, my previous post expired before I could reply to all. I am doing better but it's hard moving forward when you are confronted by it all the time. I love my job but he has had his shifts cut, so I only have to see him twice a week. Unless they come to have drinks here and make out at work (like they did the other day). I have started seeing someone (he used to work here but doesn't anymore, and he is completely different, but I still struggle to let him in since my trust (and past) makes it difficult.

[Ronja]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are going to need to distance yourself as much as possible from him, and yes, that's going to be very difficult when you work together. It's a risk you took when getting involved with a coworker, unfortunately. 

I would see about getting a different job. Otherwise, it's going to continue to be very awkward watching his new relationship develop. 

Yes that is true, he had his shifts cut so now I only have to see him maybe twice a week, I work fultime.

[Ronja]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't think this guy is awkward around you as much as the situation you're in is awkward.  Not being over him makes you see some of his actions as an attempt to upset you because he's not over you.  If that were the case he wouldn't have made the other girl his girlfriend.  Yes other people said he really liked you and that is probably true; but people also fall for other people and break up.  I think it's going to be rough for you to contnue working there.  They are not going to stop showing affection to each other.  Have you thought about getting another job?

Also have you tried therapy to cope with this?

People noticed since he's never like this with them, I was hoping he would just treat me the same then it would have made it easier because noe I feel like ther's something wrong with me since I'm the only one he wont talk to in a group (again something in childhood). But they also did warn me because he has a problem with alcohol and when he gets drunk (like he does a lot) he makes out with women, already hurt the new girl because of this and people were talking about it at work. I with someone new ( he knows about all of this and gives me time and space) but when he get's close my anxiety takes over and I kinda panic, and I really don't want to screw this up because of the past. I have been searching but it's very expensive.

[stillafool]

There are lots of online therapists as well so you might try looking there. Since they work at that bar it's understandable why they would frequent it.  You have to find a way to cope when you see them come in the door.  Don't look their way and when he comes near you just walk away.  So what if he talks to others but ignores you.  Walk away and don't give him a chance to ignore you because you've left and walked in the other direction.

[Ronja]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It sounds more like you dodged a bullet. Workplaces wolves like this are insincere.

Be glad you're rid of this cad. He's not your headache anymore. Just avoid him at work and feel sorry for whatever woman he's using now.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local men you don't work with.  Enjoy yourself and your life more outside of work.

 

Thank you. Your right. He already cheated on the girl he is seeing now, she got really hurt. The guy I just started seeing is not like that, He worked here too but quit a couple of weeks ago, and we were good friends for many months before he told me his feelings for me, but he had to go back to his home country for two months due to family health issues and now I'm afraid that this pain is gonna come back.

[Ronja]

Just now, stillafool said:

There are lots of online therapists as well so you might try looking there. Since they work at that bar it's understandable why they would frequent it.  You have to find a way to cope when you see them come in the door.  Don't look their way and when he comes near you just walk away.  So what if he talks to others but ignores you.  Walk away and don't give him a chance to ignore you because you've left and walked in the other direction.

Good idea. Yeah they have been doing it excessely that the manager is gonna tell them off, because it's unproffesional at work. 

 

[Ronja]

23 hours ago, semble said:

Sorry for your loss.

 

Thank you 

[stillafool]

Perhaps it's too son to be in a relationship with someone because you're not over this guy at.  If you were you'd be indifferent to him and wouldn't care what he's doing because your mind and heart would be on this new guy.  Do you have medical insurance? If so, that will help. Get a referral from your primary care doctor. It's good he's only there 2 times a week for work now which should make it easier to stay away from him and not be around him. 

[Ronja]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Perhaps it's too son to be in a relationship with someone because you're not over this guy at.  If you were you'd be indifferent to him and wouldn't care what he's doing because your mind and heart would be on this new guy.  Do you have medical insurance? If so, that will help. Get a referral from your primary care doctor. It's good he's only there 2 times a week for work now which should make it easier to stay away from him and not be around him. 

I don't have medical, so i have to find something that's in my budget.