stillafool Posted April 10, 2023 Share Posted April 10, 2023 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Ronja said: But they also did warn me because he has a problem with alcohol and when he gets drunk (like he does a lot) he makes out with women, already hurt the new girl because of this and people were talking about it at work. I with someone new ( he knows about all of this and gives me time and space) but when he get's close my anxiety takes over and I kinda panic, and I really don't want to screw this up because of the past. I have been searching but it's very expensive. What did people warn you about? His making out with women has nothing to do with you. Like I said when he's in the bar don't look in his direction if you see him coming your way walk the other way. If he speaks to you be cordial but keep it moving. Don't chat with him if he tries. Remember he is not your friend. Also stop listening to people taking about him and his girl. So what if he already cheated on her. That's her problem. Just work on getting over him so he's no longer yours. Edited April 10, 2023 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted April 10, 2023 Author Share Posted April 10, 2023 10 minutes ago, stillafool said: What did people warn you about? His making out with women has nothing to do with you. Like I said when he's in the bar don't look in his direction if you see him coming your way walk the other way. If he speaks to you be cordial but keep it moving. Don't chat with him if he tries. Remember he is not your friend. Also stop listening to people taking about him and his girl. So what if he already cheated on her. That's her problem. Just work on getting over him so he's no longer yours. That they know that he liked me but he has an alcohol adicction and even though he is trying to stop he can't, and every time he drinks he takes a women home. He's not flirting around when sober, so your right it's her problem not mine she the one afraid of what happens when he gets drunk. I'm gonna try not to stay near him. This situation isn't so much about him but about all my past wounds coming to surface that I wasn't aware I had. So therapy would be the best, but people at work have been talking about shifts getting cut so i have been aprehensive to start. Even though they gave me a promotion and a raise a month ago after working fultime here in a year. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 10, 2023 Share Posted April 10, 2023 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Ronja said: 45 minutes ago, Ronja said: That they know that he liked me but he has an alcohol addiction and even though he is trying to stop he can't, and every time he drinks he takes a women home. He's not flirting around when sober, so your right it's her problem not mine she the one afraid of what happens when he gets drunk. I'm gonna try not to stay near him. This situation isn't so much about him but about all my past wounds coming to surface. What has his alcohol addiction have to do with liking you? Are you saying that is why he didn't ask you to be his gf? If that were the case he wouldn't have had the courage to ask the other girl to be his gf, nor would he get in a kissing session with her in front of everyone in th bar. Did he ever even try to kiss you when drunk or ever? I think it would help you not to listen to gossip about him from others. It will keep him on your mind. You need to do whatever you can to keep him off of your mind so you can heal and get over him. Unrequited love is very painful especially when you have to see them with someone else. There was a commercial on tv the other day talking about mental health and they said there are over 4500 qualified mental health professionals online. Perhaps you can find an affordable one. You just have to search. If it really isn't so much about him why do you react this way about his presence when you are near him? Pretty much everyone has loved and lost, felt rejected and hurt. Some people by a lover and others from their own mothers; but we mourn, get over it and move on to find the love we're missing elsewhere. Why do you have to try to stay away from him instead of just staying away from him? Edited April 10, 2023 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2023 Share Posted April 11, 2023 8 hours ago, Ronja said: The guy I just started seeing is not like that, Wait, you're dating someone else when you're clearly still hung up on this other guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 11, 2023 Share Posted April 11, 2023 (edited) 9 hours ago, Ronja said: . The guy I just started seeing is not like that, . he had to go back to his home country for two months due to family health issues Are you communicating while he's away? How is that situation going? Do you have health insurance through work? If so make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Discuss your symptoms. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Ask about employee health and your coverage. Keep in mind it's best to rule out physical issues as well as go through the proper channels to try to secure quality therapy. Are you simply lonely and missing the new man? Is this why this wolf is upsetting you? Try to focus solely on work and activities friends and family outside of work. Edited April 11, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 11 hours ago, stillafool said: What has his alcohol addiction have to do with liking you? Are you saying that is why he didn't ask you to be his gf? If that were the case he wouldn't have had the courage to ask the other girl to be his gf, nor would he get in a kissing session with her in front of everyone in th bar. Did he ever even try to kiss you when drunk or ever? I think it would help you not to listen to gossip about him from others. It will keep him on your mind. You need to do whatever you can to keep him off of your mind so you can heal and get over him. Unrequited love is very painful especially when you have to see them with someone else. There was a commercial on tv the other day talking about mental health and they said there are over 4500 qualified mental health professionals online. Perhaps you can find an affordable one. You just have to search. If it really isn't so much about him why do you react this way about his presence when you are near him? Pretty much everyone has loved and lost, felt rejected and hurt. Some people by a lover and others from their own mothers; but we mourn, get over it and move on to find the love we're missing elsewhere. Why do you have to try to stay away from him instead of just staying away from him? No I'm not saying that. His best friend (and my very good friend) said that because I hate being near drunk people and party settings. Drunk people change personality and you can't connect with them, because they start acting out and I never feel comfortable around people who gets drunk. She's was the one who told me to stop avoid him, that he's putting in effort to spend time alone with me but I never accepted because of my anxiety. I might have found one online it's still expensive but it's duable and she offer virtual session as well to make it easier. I react to everybody who triggers something from my childhood. It's the being ignored in front of collegues that's bothering me, it's rude (bad memorices there) I'm get along well with everybody at work it's just this one situation that bothers me. It's not easy when you can get triggered easily, I have had flashbacks and panic attacks at work, luckly my collegues know and are very helpful. Cuz he the one walking up sitting right next to me/standing so close our bodys are touching with heaps of space around us, I just can't get myself to say please take a step back your in my personal space. I would feel rude so I don't say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you communicating while he's away? How is that situation going? Do you have health insurance through work? If so make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Discuss your symptoms. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Ask about employee health and your coverage. Keep in mind it's best to rule out physical issues as well as go through the proper channels to try to secure quality therapy. Are you simply lonely and missing the new man? Is this why this wolf is upsetting you? Try to focus solely on work and activities friends and family outside of work. Yes we are calling and we are planing my visit to see him on his birthday. I don't have through work but I think I have found one online who can help and I can save up so I would be able to do more sessions. The guy didn't bother me when the guy I'm with now was here. I do have a lot of triggers and when someone get's too close I panic and push away. But I have been able to communicate my struggles with this guy and he has been very supportive. I think that's why I'm reacting to it again. I have a well deserved holiday coming up in a few days with a group of girls and I'm sure it's gonna give me a break from all the stress that's been going on lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ronja Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Wait, you're dating someone else when you're clearly still hung up on this other guy? I don't react to this guy when I'm with this guy I'm with. He worked there too so knows about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 11, 2023 Share Posted April 11, 2023 2 hours ago, Ronja said: Quote No I'm not saying that. His best friend (and my very good friend) said that because I hate being near drunk people and party settings. Drunk people change personality and you can't connect with them, because they start acting out and I never feel comfortable around people who gets drunk. I find it strange that you hate being near drunk people and party settings yet you love working at a bar. Quote She's was the one who told me to stop avoid him, that he's putting in effort to spend time alone with me but I never accepted because of my anxiety. Did he ask you out on a date? That is how you know a man wants to spend time with you. Never believe people who tell you things like this about someone else. Quote I might have found one online it's still expensive but it's duable and she offer virtual session as well to make it easier. That's great and I hope you can see her. Quote I react to everybody who triggers something from my childhood. It's the being ignored in front of collegues that's bothering me, it's rude (bad memorices there) I'm get along well with everybody at work it's just this one situation that bothers me. It's not easy when you can get triggered easily, I have had flashbacks and panic attacks at work, luckly my collegues know and are very helpful. You can't control how others act and we all get triggered by something but you must learn to self soothe and not depend on others to help you control yourself. Therapy will help you with that. Quote Cuz he the one walking up sitting right next to me/standing so close our bodys are touching with heaps of space around us, I just can't get myself to say please take a step back your in my personal space. I would feel rude so I don't say anything. You don't have to tell him to step back, just walk away from him when he does that and he'll get the message. On one hand you say you hate that he ignores you in front of collegues and now you say he stands too close. I think you'd do better to just keep your distance from him because you still like him. I didn't see anything in what you wrote that indicated he was trying to spend alone time with you. He never asked you out on a date or kissed you, he just had friendly chat with you to find out more about you. That's normal between work mates. To me it sounded like he was trying to be your friend but you started acting stand offish so he probably thought you didn't like him for whatever reason and he ignored you back. His romantic interest was in the other girl, he started seeing her and asked her to be his gf. I don't see where this guy was a wolf who was trying to have sex with you while seeing her. You said there's gossip that he's cheating on his gf when drunk but have you seen him doing that and are they now broken up because of it? Stop listening to what your friend is telling you about him and stop talking to his best friend about him. That is not helping you to get over this guy. If you only have to see him twice a week I think it should be pretty easy to stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2023 Share Posted April 11, 2023 10 hours ago, Ronja said: I don't react to this guy when I'm with this guy I'm with. He worked there too so knows about everything. That isn't the point. The point is that you are way too hung up on this other guy to be able to give a new one a fair chance. You shouldn't really be dating anyone else until you are well past the pain of this situation. That isn't fair to a new man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 11, 2023 Share Posted April 11, 2023 14 hours ago, Ronja said: I don't react to this guy when I'm with this guy I'm with. He worked there too so knows about everything. I don't understand why being with the new guy keeps you from reacting to your coworker. Why? What is he doing to prevent your reaction to this other guy? Does he know that you being around this other guy still causes a reaction in you? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 22 hours ago, Ronja said: we are planing my visit to see him on his birthday. I have a well deserved holiday coming up in a few days with a group of girls and I'm sure it's gonna give me a break from all the stress that's been going on lately. It seems like you have enough good things going on to not worry about this co-worker. Focus on life outside of work. Your new BF your friends family interests hobbies traveling etc. There's no reason to worry about a failed office romance now that you've moved on. Try not to sabotage your current relationship by overemphasizing and obsessing over this co-worker to your new BF. Link to post Share on other sites
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