Feeling like both the dumpee and the dumper?

[Anothersaddumpee]

My (M32) girlfriend (F35) of 4 years dumped me around a year ago, and I felt totally blindsided & devastated (still feel this way, tbh, though obviously over time, and with no obvious declarations that she regrets it, I’ve had no option but to try to accept it). She was my first long term GF, though she’s had several longish 
 

We did unofficial no contact for a couple of months after the proper break up last year, but it was still so fresh and raw, and we stayed on each other’s social media, and within a couple of months started texting again (I was very hopeful of reconciliation at this point, or at the very least, some form of closure or peace as was really struggling to process it, owing to the abruptness and so on). 
 

We then commenced the most regrettable (hindsight….) and further injuring (at least for me…) and ambiguous “friendship” for most of last year - in which I tried my best to salvage a friendship whilst also trying to lose my feelings (I know, I know…foolish…) and it was obviously devastating for me. 
 

The friendship involved more or less carrying on as we had previously (still sleeping over with each other, meals together, couple like existence, and obviously me constantly getting my hopes raised, her telling me she loved me, me being a willing errand boy, her getting upset if I ever spoke of dating others, but at the same time never once questioning the break up, and so on …) 

Around 2-3 months ago, I finally knew I had to press eject as was really feeling constant pain, confusion and hurt, and cognitive dissonance when being told how she loves me and I look after her and understand her when in bed together, but facing anger and shut down if I ever rose the subject of perhaps trying again. 
 

With much reluctance and bolstered by friends, I finally plucked up the courage to ask for no contact “for the time being” - I said she was a lovely person and I loved the idea of being friends longer term, but that I was kidding myself that I was over the hurt, and needed time and space to heal my broken heart before friendship was realistic. 
 

Her initial reaction was fury/anger/confusion. She said she’d thought we were ok (despite me attempting to express that I was struggling  on multiple occasions.) 

 

She then calmed down, and we finished with kinder words, though there was all the coldness you’d expect - she totally shut me down and agreed to no contact, and basically made it feel as though I was dumping her, saying she needed time and space now to focus on her feelings.

 

I was careful to just ask for no contact for the time being, as opposed to saying I never wanted to be friends one day, but feel that she took it as me saying goodbye forever. 
 

Since then, I unlinked our social media (removing her from my followers and vice versa, rather than a full block). I didn’t do it to hurt her, I did it purely because I couldn’t even see her name without overwhelming pain. 
 

For a couple of months I felt we were still orbiting - could see each other online on messaging apps and so on - and whilst I generally didn’t follow her many updates - I saw the odd post, and it was clear that she was having a wonderful post break up relief/euphoria period - going out loads and so on. I was lying in a destroyed heap for weeks meanwhile, feeling all the pain of the dumpee, and wondering how on Earth it was possible for me to be bearing both the pain and rejection of the dumpee, but also now the guilt and regret of the dumper. 

In the past couple of weeks there has been a shift in that she’s stopped posting endless pics of her best life & whilst I can’t see all her social media, I know she’s struggling with a few things now that a big work project has finished. 
 

I firmly believe that if she was struggling anything like I was, either romantically or even with the loss of platonic friendship, she would contact me to talk, since she’s always been quite direct during any previous periods of no contact. 
 

Not sure what I’m asking exactly - just wanting to vent and I guess ask for anyone else’s perspective - either dumper or dumpee - especially whether anyone else has felt guilty for walking away from friendship, or has felt angry with a dumpee for rejecting friendship whilst healing. 
 

I’m not envisaging contacting her, despite wanting to do nothing more than that, and also feel that even if she misses my friendship, she likely won’t contact me either, as will probably feel that she doesn’t want to cause any more pain. I don’t know what to do though as the thought of no contact forever is devastating, and I just feel I’ve no right to contact her further, and that I’ll never really get over this. Any insights or shared experiences of this welcome - essentially asking if anyone else has felt this sense of being both dumped and also dumper’s regret type feelings. Feel like she is feeling like a victim and not really understanding that not having her in my life or being there for her is the last thing I want. :,(
 

 

 

[Acacia98]

Why on earth would you feel guilty for "dumping" her? You didn't dump her. You completed the process she started. It sounds to me like she was using you after she broke things off with you. How else would you describe the fact that she knew you still had feelings for her and yet she continued to extract all of the privileges of a relationship from your interactions but wanted none of the responsibility? That was pretty self-centered and callous of her. And to add insult to injury, she acted offended when you finally decided to draw a boundary.

Now, I'm not saying you were completely helpless. You could have and should have done more to protect yourself. For instance, you should have had stronger boundaries and gone no contact when she first dumped you.

You're finally doing the right thing for yourself. So don't be apologetic about it. I think you've put your ex on a pedestal, so you don't recognize her actions for what they are. I hope that you will get to the point where you start to feel anger towards her for the ways in which she wronged you and hurt you. Because I think that will help you process the end of the relationship and really start to move on.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You did the right thing by going no contact again, and you need to cut all social media ties and stop trying to reverse engineer her mental health by her current posting velocity.

I know it is painful but focus on yourself, connecting with friends and family, taking care of yourself by exercising, eating well etc. You need time to heal and get over the loss of the relationship and breakup. Make a concerted effort to stop thinking about her and living in the past or dramatizing “no contact forever” as it isn’t beneficial for you. My marriage / 11 year relationship ended a few years ago so believe me I know how hard it is.

Most people can’t be friends after a break up but that doesn’t mean you don’t still value what she brought to your life and the time you spent together.  Focus on the present and moving forward separately.

Best of luck.

[Anothersaddumpee]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Why on earth would you feel guilty for "dumping" her? You didn't dump her. You completed the process she started. It sounds to me like she was using you after she broke things off with you. How else would you describe the fact that she knew you still had feelings for her and yet she continued to extract all of the privileges of a relationship from your interactions but wanted none of the responsibility? That was pretty self-centered and callous of her. And to add insult to injury, she acted offended when you finally decided to draw a boundary.

Now, I'm not saying you were completely helpless. You could have and should have done more to protect yourself. For instance, you should have had stronger boundaries and gone no contact when she first dumped you.

You're finally doing the right thing for yourself. So don't be apologetic about it. I think you've put your ex on a pedestal, so you don't recognize her actions for what they are. I hope that you will get to the point where you start to feel anger towards her for the ways in which she wronged you and hurt you. Because I think that will help you process the end of the relationship and really start to move on.

Thank you so much for this reply - it's really hit me very clearly, and you've also managed to speak to me in a way that is both sobering, but without making me feel humiliated for being the stoopid love drunk amateur that I have felt I am (especially relative to her - she seems very use to messy breakups.....!) 

It means a lot for you to credit the fact I do FINALLY seem to be doing what I should have done a year ago - and I agree - I was devastated when her reaction to me setting a boundary was met with anger - although in hindsight, not that surprised - as she would constantly blame any hurt feelings on my part on me for not setting boundaries, but if I tried to articulate any she would not really listen or acknowledge them. 

I definitely feel boosted - as silly as this seems - by someone having read my story and concluded that I am just doing what I should have done from the beginning. To be honest, I think I'd rather relied on her to naturally give me space and time, and to not really want to launch into an intense/aka essentially unchanged, but for the lack of commitment, friendship so quickly. 

I've not had any other 4yr relationships to compare, but from other experiences, the moment I realised I wasn't wanting a relationship with someone, I became fearful of leading them on and so would give space/time naturally, even if I missed them. I think that's what's been so confusing - she's never given that space or time, and I feel this is much to do with me not having much experience setting boundaries in general. So I guess I'm hoping to at least give that some reflection, and if the past year or so of soul bleeding simply helps me to learn a bit of self protection, hopefully one day I can be thankful for all of this!

The ironic thing is that I also felt quite unhappy in the relationship, for similar reasons (I was slow to commit, as she had me on a pedestal at the start, and I always sensed somewhere that I could only fall from the initial "perfect' ...) So - lots to reflect on, and thanks again for helping me to start to see that I was just doing what I needed to for once! 

[Anothersaddumpee]

1 hour ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

You did the right thing by going no contact again, and you need to cut all social media ties and stop trying to reverse engineer her mental health by her current posting velocity.

I know it is painful but focus on yourself, connecting with friends and family, taking care of yourself by exercising, eating well etc. You need time to heal and get over the loss of the relationship and breakup. Make a concerted effort to stop thinking about her and living in the past or dramatizing “no contact forever” as it isn’t beneficial for you. My marriage / 11 year relationship ended a few years ago so believe me I know how hard it is.

Most people can’t be friends after a break up but that doesn’t mean you don’t still value what she brought to your life and the time you spent together.  Focus on the present and moving forward separately.

Best of luck.

Thanks so much for this brilliant reminder - and I'm of course sorry to hear that you say it with much personal experience of how hard it is. I'm definitely at a stage where I can't read or hear this kind of advice enough - you are so right about resisting the urge to reverse engineer her mental health. 

She is/was always very up and down mentally - suffering with extreme highs and lows, and so I think it's taking me a long time to hang up my s*** giving boots - y'anno? I am so used to my daily life hinging on her mood that I guess the social media dips and thought are remnants of that - though of course I am starting to look deeper and see that it indicates co-dependancy.

It's perhaps easier/lazier to continue to analyse her ups and downs, rather than try to hear and find my own - but you've helped me feel encouraged to keep going and give things time, and try to ween the focus off her. Thank you! 

[glows]

What were the reasons for her ending it? I found it odd that you characterized yourself as “errand boy” suggesting she did use you to an extent. It also feels like she didn’t respect you enough to date you but she was ok with your company enough to continue sleeping with you in an fwb type situationship. Were there severe issues/incompatibilities in your lifestyle choices or overall goals? 

I ask because it’s best to reflect on that and no longer live in denial if the differences are too vast. A lot of what denial is lack of respect for someone else’s decisions and our own inability to face a new reality.

You may be seeing now it’s twice as hard because you’ve been in denial for much longer than someone else who might have immediately grasped how different or incompatible you both are, accepted it or respected that and moved on. 

[JTSW]

You did the right thing going no contact.

Now you need to block her social media so you cant see everything she is doing.

Watching her social media is stopping you from moving on and inevitably making you feel worse.

Make a complete clean cut once and for all. 

She was callus to you use you the way she did.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Anothersaddumpee said:

 I also felt quite unhappy in the relationship, for similar reasons I was slow to commit.

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about? Did you live together or have plans for a future?

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with a lack of other opportunities and an unhealthy attachment.

This leads to a sort of limbo hell where you're neither in with both feet nor free to find someone more appropriate..

Make a clean break. It's the only way to move forward.

[hurtingheart12]

Firstly, stop looking on social media. It is not reflective of real life and it will not help your healing. 
It sounds like she is very unsure of what she wants from you. Maintaining a friendship and still sleeping together, isn't a friendship in my eyes. 
Time and distance from her and perhaps speaking to a therapist may help to process what is going on here but checking her social media and living in hope will not. 

[ShyViolet]

I've made this mistake in the past. When a relationship ended, I've continued in a "pseudo" relationship with the person, in a sort of limbo, continuing to see each other and act like we're back together in a way, but not.  One person is holding out hope of getting back together and the other person doesn't want to, but still reaps the benefits of the companionship.  It's a massive mistake and doing this just keeps the hurt feelings fresh.  All you're doing is not letting yourself move on with your life.  You absolutely did the right thing in deciding to put an end to this.  And her reaction was very selfish and immature.

[Agent M]

I get it, totally, from both perspectives. It sounds like she didn't think you two should stay in a relationship, but she was still attached. She valued you, had fun with you,  and was comfortable with you. She just didn't want a serious relationship for one reason or another (you may know why). But, she hung out so as not to lose you completely. This happened with one of my exes and I, but I did not contact him after the breakup unless he contacted me. I left him alone because I did not want to hold him hostage. But in hindsight this may not have been a good idea. I say this because even though we had spent some time together and he was trying to get me back, he ended up meeting someone all of a sudden and I felt (like you put it) the dumper and the dumpee. I was really upset because I was still attached although I did not think I was. And I felt he really needed my friendship, the way he was always reaching out to me to help him with such serious dilemmas in his life. I believe at first I was out emotionally, but with him pursuing me I let go. He was being much nicer than when actually in the relationship, and I was having fun. Don't know if you changed your behavior towards her after the breakup, maybe making her want to stay around. So, I tried to be friends after he met the new girl. After all, my sister was married for 10 years and is still great friends with her ex. Her ex was broken hearted, but stayed friends with her and even gives her relationship advice although he would take her back in a minute. Hmmm. I however was not able to do this because my phone calls were not getting answered because the other girl was around, etc, and even though I got apologies, from him I couldn't handle the roller coaster ride, like you. So I said I would reach out to him when I felt comfortable chatting. Now there is no contact, as you had mentioned was the case with you. I share your feelings of discomfort, and it sounds like she was uncomfortable too, esp with all her postings on social media. My ex wanted to stay friends with me, but I just can't do it. Perhaps at some point. It is possible she hasn't contacted you because she is seeing the importance of being apart, although  painful, as you said in your post. I've had to surrender the whole deal to the universe, because I know I cannot contact him, and he does not contact me which is good because it would throw me back into an emotional tizzy. Maybe try to be patient, give it more time, talk it over with a higher power if you have one and express your dilemma in all its details, or write it in a journal, etc. Perhaps remind yourself that this was the decision you had to make, you had tried other ways and you weren't going forward. Maybe tell yourself that this approach will open up your life to the experiences you need to have to fully realize yourself.

[Anothersaddumpee]

On 1/22/2023 at 10:59 PM, ShyViolet said:

I've made this mistake in the past. When a relationship ended, I've continued in a "pseudo" relationship with the person, in a sort of limbo, continuing to see each other and act like we're back together in a way, but not.  One person is holding out hope of getting back together and the other person doesn't want to, but still reaps the benefits of the companionship.  It's a massive mistake and doing this just keeps the hurt feelings fresh.  All you're doing is not letting yourself move on with your life.  You absolutely did the right thing in deciding to put an end to this.  And her reaction was very selfish and immature.

Thank you for this - I really have felt like I've ruined things by rejected the pseudo friendship - somehow like I've rejected all the things we both loved - but you're right, I had to put an end to it as was just ruining me! 

[BrinnM]

On 1/18/2023 at 5:44 PM, Anothersaddumpee said:

Not sure what I’m asking exactly - just wanting to vent and I guess ask for anyone else’s perspective - either dumper or dumpee - especially whether anyone else has felt guilty for walking away from friendship, or has felt angry with a dumpee for rejecting friendship whilst healing. 

Never. When I'm done, I'm done, and I have never cared about "staying friends". This is because I have a sufficient amount of close and very dear friends already, and I don't see the benefit of adding one, just because we were in a romantic relationship before. There's one ex who still reaches out from time to time, and I just usually give him a short, polite reply, but that's about it. He knows I'm not interested in a friendship, or anything else for that matter. (I thinks he usually texts me when he drinks, but not sure .....)

As far as the title of your thread, OP (Feeling like both the dumpee and the dumper) – yes, I have felt like that before. Been there done that.
These were the relationships where I was "internally" done, but didn't want to be the one to end it (for a good reason or two), so I just acted indifferent and sometimes started an argument or some drama, until they had it with me.  😁😜