lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 After making my last reply to my own post, i actually thought of some things that i think will help alot of people. I'm starting this thread in opposition to the common theme which seems to be "Get back together RIGHT NOW or kick them to the curb". There is alot of pesimistic (sp?) replies to threads which i think are counter productive. Most people come to this section looking for hope and advice, not to have their ex's defamed. While anyone can defame someone elses ex for 1 thing they did wrong, we need a little more encouragement. Here is a few things that people with hope, faith, and a gut feeling their ex is the one for them should think about Just as time is needed to cope, time is needed to get back together. Life would be too easy if you could snap your fingers and get what you want. The best comes to those who wait. You didnt rush into love with him/her, why should you rush to fall back in love again? You already know you are their type, no need to change major things about yourself. They fell in love with you, not someone you want to be just for them. People have their reasons for ending relationships. Those reasons can change. What can make them change? Time. There is no magic words or perfect gift to change someone's mind. What helps? Love. The only thing you can do is let them know every once in a while that you care about them. This can be a little as just showing an interest in their lives without invasion. Ask them how their week was or if they have any fun plans coming up. Showing you still care about them without pushing them away is most important. The only thing that can help your progress is showing you still care about them but give them the space they need to figure their own things out. They know if they would ever get back together with you and what those circumstances would be. But that is for them to realize. That is for them to figure out. All you can do is make yourself happy. Concentrate on yourself. What attracted them to you in the first place? A happy person with some mystery. Would you want to be with a depressed, panicky person who buggs you all the time? This is just one mans opinion. An optomistic (sp?) opinion. Since i realized that you cant rush back into love, things started to become a lot easier and a lot more clear. Pondering the though "What can i do to get them back?" or "Too much time is going by, if i dont act now i might lose them forever" will only tear at your emotions and make your own progress hampered. You want to be that happy person they once fell in love with when they are finally ready. Link to post Share on other sites
sadfish Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 You know what, Lost, this is totally what i needed to read today, so i thank you for that. For the past 3 months i have been driving myself (and others) nuts thinking about what i did wrong, why my relationship didn't work out, how he could move on so fast without (seemingly) a second thought, blahblahblah, only holding MYSELF back. I've been so focused on the whys and my frustrated anger, that i can't let myself move forward, even though i say i am. My ex still talks to me, which is very painful at times, but then i wonder why is it painful? For some reason he wants to be friends with me, something keeps him coming back to try and keep this friendship (even though he's got a girlfriend, which he *still* denies is the case but she writes about it on her blog, so...whatever...lol) even if i'm being difficult. So maybe i'm being too hard on him, and i KNOW i'm being way too hard on myself. I need to just let it go, take care of me, and whatever happens happens... He tells me that he's being patient with me, for reasons i don't really know because i have been very, well, not so nice with him at times, yet he sticks in there, hoping that one day we'll be friends or something. Sure, i'd like to think it's cos he wants to keep me around for the future, but i can't bank on that, and i don't want to, truthfully. It confuses me, but what can i do about it, really? All i can do is be me, take care of me, and live my life, too, and if someday, as we're friends, if it's there again, then hopefully we'd both be in the place to make it better than the first time. I know that he changed my life regardless. Rambling....lol....but anyway, thanks, Lost for at least inspiring ME this morning with a little bit of optimism Link to post Share on other sites
looneytunes Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Lost! You are so right. My girlfriend and I broke up a couple months ago and about 2 weeks ago have decided that we should take a month off from each other and NOT talk at all. The main reason is that we cannot open up to each other and hear about what is going on in each others lives without jealousy creeping in. The only way to communicate is to keep our guard up which brings about even more hurt feelings. I have been obsessed with our relationship and what I can do to make things better between us. I believe that you are right when you say that time may be the answer. However, what if during that time we drift further apart? Does that mean that it wasn't meant to be? I just hate to leave things up to chance.. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Hey guys just thought I'd put in my own 2 sense. I couldn't agree more with who started this thread. I don't know if any of you had read my other threads about my situation with me and my ex gf. We broke up 2 months ago and after about 3 weeks after the break up I started the no contact exercise for about 32 days. I didn't initiate contact for 32 days and I didn't accept contact from her for 25 days. So I believe the no contact rule certainly has its place in certain situations and to a certain degree. Right now I am in contact with her and I just talked to her on the phone last night. I am going to see her tomorrow afternoon for the first time since August 23rd. I'm at a point now where yes I want to signal to her that my door is still open and I still care but at the same time not put any pressure or push the issue about reconciling the romantic aspect of our relationship. We broke up 2 times before and I never heard of this no contact rule but we did get back together. She might come back this time or she might not. It's a 50/50 chance at this point. I guess I just come from a different school of thought that grace and love is really answer to all these things. Not that it's a guarantee that I'll get her back but at least I've stacked the deck in my favor. The whole reason I did the no contact rule was to give her space since it was my fault we broke up. I know now what I need to correct for the next relationship or if we were to get back together. So I'm not in a position to issue an "all or nothing" ultimatium to her. If I did that then it would backfire on me because it would only reinforce her decison. She would think I didn't understand how the break up was my fault. I need to show her I'm taking responsibility for my actions and agreeing to be her friend and being civil and mature about everything would show her that. I believe that if you love someone set them free. Others may see me as being a doormat for wanting to remain friends with the ex and that's their opinion and I respect it. I have a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and He lives in my heart. The best advice I can give all of you out there is listen to your heart. It will never lie to you. I'm trying to discern between God's voice right now and my own voice as to what my next move should be but I need to leave it all in His hands. Yes time certainly has a way of changing things. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 . The best advice I can give all of you out there is listen to your heart. It will never lie to you. your heart always lies and don't ever believe in it. my heart is f***ing stupid Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Most people come to this section looking for hope and advice, not to have their ex's defamed. Sometimes the truth hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
guest1 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Thank you lost. That was exactly what I needed to read today as well. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Most people come to this site looking for advice, not necessarily false hope and lies. Some people like to think that apparently those here who tell you the truth are those who are pessimistic. You need to open your eyes, because theyre telling you the real deal, no sugar coated BS. We dont want others wasting hope and time on something that won't ever come to them. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 in reality, everybody is different and with that comes different situations......this may be the best way to handle this one and the all or nothing is better for some other people..........ever heard of the saying different strokes for different folks?........but usually the best bet is let them realize what he or she has determined as no good. or in other words "let them (not make them) realize what they have lost."\ and J DUB, hows things with the ex? Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 However, what if during that time we drift further apart? Does that mean that it wasn't meant to be? I just hate to leave things up to chance.. girls don't forget nothing and i'm being dead serious. here's another old saying "guys are flat out stupid, girls are just crazy" and i have no idea why i wrote this.......i have been drinking again Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I think that you should listen to your gut, not your heart. Oftentimes, your heart is bottled up with so many emotions, it will sometimes make you do irrational things. Once you stray from your emotions and listen to your logical, rational mind, it will tell you the cold hard truth, which is something we often ignore, especially when we've been dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 >but usually the best bet is let them realize what he or she has determined as no good. or in other words "let them (not make them) realize what they have lost."\ Uh, what? >and J DUB, hows things with the ex? Well since you asked, he's not my ex ..we have been together for almost 3 mos - but he's taking me away this weekend since our official anniversary is Oct 30th I'm guessing youre making a half-a$$ed attempt to mock me, unfortunately it doesnt seem to be doing justice considering you came here for input & advice which is exactly what you received (and then some) - but you seem to be having a difficult time dishing it out for others. That's no coincidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Painwraith Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 This is always a difficult one. I think the stages you need to take whenever you look to get back with your ex should be very carefully thought out. Think about why you split up in the firstplace? was it a misunderstanding? a bad patch? due to going to university? moving away due to work? working too much? If its any of those then their is a good reason to try again, these are things that can effect relationships but they are not serious issues like abuse or cheating etc, that cannot be resolved. We are all only human and we do make mistakes. If you split up under nasty circumstances then there is a good chance you will never reconcile, and even if you did there would be a massive wall to break down if you did. it may be easier to move on.. For instance my ex and I split up due to her cheating online with me. In her mind it was because of relationship differences that drove her to find an online buddy. My view is different... But recently I have come into thinking after careful research that she may have a borderline personality disorder. Recently we have been discussing the possibility of getting back together, no sex though she does stay over some nights and me at hers others. Now I know there is a possible issue with her self esteem and self worth deeply ingrained I can take steps to try to understand and help her. I didnt understand the issues before and things spiralled out of control. Some of you will be thinking 'stupid bastard' etc etc. however My feelings for this girl are very strong and have been since the first moment I met her some seven years ago, she is a loverly woman and a considerate and fantastic lover, though she has her moments (and she can have real doozies too). I want to give it a go, currently its going well, we are talking better, she is still a little messed up in the head due to other considerations I wont go into which we are slowly working out. All I am saying is if you want to get back together with an ex then think long and hard about it before you do. ensure you are doing it for all the right reasons and try to look at it in the cold light of day. I love mine more than anything in my world at this time and we have been apart since april, the chance has come to try to reconcile which I personally wish to take, I will give it one more go, if it doesnt work out then it doesnt work out, if it does then it will make us stronger. But at least we tried. I thought through thoroughly before taking this step... and before anyone asks I am 27 and not a youngun fresh into the realms of love. I hope this helps you all Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Uh, what? >and J DUB, hows things with the ex? Well since you asked, he's not my ex ..we have been together for almost 3 mos - but he's taking me away this weekend since our official anniversary is Oct 30th I'm guessing youre making a half-a$$ed attempt to mock me, unfortunately it doesnt seem to be doing justice considering you came here for input & advice which is exactly what you received (and then some) - but you seem to be having a difficult time dishing it out for others. That's no coincidence. in all honesty i was asking how things were going with your ex. not trying to mock you. but you guessed wrong. sorry i don't read every post here. what i'm not allowed to ask? and that advice is good stuff. what's with all your meaness lately. mabey you are the pessimist they say you are. just because your mad and trying to make an attempt to be superwoman on here doesn't make you sound any cooler trying to put somebody else down. good try though, i almost cried. AND just for your information the best input and advice i got was from listening to myself. i just post here cause i love you guys and i get to vent. P.S. who's the one mocking people. you mock everybody's post. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 in all honesty i was asking how things were going with your ex. not trying to mock you. but you guessed wrong. sorry i don't read every post here. what i'm not allowed to ask? and that advice is good stuff. what's with all your meaness lately. mabey you are the pessimist they say you are. just because your mad and trying to make an attempt to be superwoman on here doesn't make you sound any cooler trying to put somebody else down. good try though, i almost cried. AND just for your information the best input and advice i got was from listening to myself. i just post here cause i love you guys and i get to vent. P.S. who's the one mocking people. you mock everybody's post. I mock everyone's post huh? That's funny, I was pretty sure I was giving input and suggestions. Except to you, but thats because you call people names for no reason and act like an all around a$$. Nobody called me pessimisstic either, quit dreamin dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 I am sorry, but you sound like you're in denial. I was in the same situation awhile back, as were most other posters here on LS, so we can sympathize. Fyi; anger comes next. Link to post Share on other sites
wx3 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 The only way to get accurate advice is to PERFECTLY explain the situation.. dont forget any details, dont change any information, etc. I recently posted about a situation with an ex-girlfriend... we are still not together, but I was advised to stop talking to her. I didnt feel like I could block someone out of my life like that, so I just decided to treat her as a friend. Turns out, she's still crazy about me, but she does have feelings for her current boyfriend too. She told me her feeling for me are much more mature and she can't wait until she can give me her heart... and if I had taken all of the advice, I wouldnt feel so optimistic right now. I do understand that the advice I got was VERY valid, but I also believe that they got the impression that my ex cares absolutely nothing for me and she isnt worth my time -- it is because only I can make judgements like that... Its all about advice.. and this thread right here is just a form of hope.. others will give you advice pertaining too "what will most likely happen".. Heres a link to my situation I was talking about (I'd still like to hear more comments ): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=590538#post590538 Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Turns out, she's still crazy about me, but she does have feelings for her current boyfriend too. She told me her feeling for me are much more mature and she can't wait until she can give me her heart... and if I had taken all of the advice, I wouldnt feel so optimistic right now. She's crazy about you, yet she loves her current boyfriend. Meanwhile, you're waiting around like a sitting duck. I don't think you understand how ridiculous you sound... Link to post Share on other sites
wx3 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 lmao, I dont think you know how bad you just assumed - as I just stated - that you don't even know the situation. She is not satisfied with her current boyfriend right now, but she does have feelings for him.. she doesn't love him, we're only 18. You seem to enjoy targeting others and telling them that they are on their way to failure, when in reality, you're the forum junkie. I just randomly checked to see if anyone had commented on my thread I started and I saw a similar one, and posted my thoughts. Lets not turn this into an insult-forum, but I'd like to say dont assume things. edit: alot of things in the previous thread I started I had to completely disregard because they didnt even apply to the situation -- such as "love". I do care strongly for her, and I was on the verge to loving her.. and yeah it sucked seeing her be confused about me or this other guy.. but honestly, if you even saw the way this girl acts, you'd know that she is completely regretting what she has done. Its so obvious, I've even called her out on it, and she just says that "shes starting to find out what she wants but she can't talk to me about it right now because she is dating someone else... and she has to watch what she says". I wasnt aware you needed those details, but there they are, and you can realize you were out of line and obviously in a mood to flame someone that was giving an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 How am I insulting you? You're the one calling me a forum junkie. I don't enjoy calling people's bluffs, but where there's smoke there's fire. There are exceptions, of course, but not many. Your situation isn't one of them. Maybe you don't see it now, but you will with more experience. Idealism will only take you so far. How can your ex not love him and still have feelings for him? If you stopped being so defensive maybe you'd learn something useful. I'm not assuming anything, based on your confession. At 18, you should be having fun, not worrying about some chick who likes sending mixed signals. By the way, I'm only saying what others have already told you... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=72318 Link to post Share on other sites
wx3 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 You know, I honestly can't say I do know for sure what her feelings are, but I can guarantee you I have a better idea than you do. I talk to her every day - and we talk about everything. We help eachother understand what is going on. I felt insulted simply because I'm not ignorant - I have a good grasp on the situation and I'm defintly not TOO optimistic.. This girl has told me that her feelings for me are still very strong, but she also has feelings for the other guy too. She dated him under my instruction, because I told her I would not be able to be with her until he was out of the picture. She cried and asked me to rethink my decision, because she wanted to be with me... but I told her that I did not want to be with anyone that had ANY feelings outside of myself. Looking back on it I do someone regret doing so, because "past relationship" feelings are normal.. and she actually did want to be with me... but I do think we will get back together in the future simply because we ended on terms that could be labeled "unfinished". As they say, "Arguing over the internet is like the special olympics... even if you win, you're still retarded". Im sorry for getting angry, but naturally, it pissed me off to hear even more assumptions that had no application to my situation. I guess you can call it an exception? and I agree I shouldn't give a damn about this girl, but you have no idea how hard it is to forget about someone you had such great times with.. (or maybe you do?) Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 What she tells you is meaningless... it's what she does that counts the most. I know what you're going through, as do others. You just gotta hang in there and have a little bit of self-preservation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 We dont want others wasting hope and time on something that won't ever come to them. Hmmmm. How do you know that? People could have just as easily said the same about your situation yet you are proof positive that a second chance is possible. You made it happen and have been together for a good amount of time on a second chance. You must obviously come to a thread with a set state of mind because you definetly missed the point of the post. The point i tried to brng across which the first 3 responders picked up on was that basically if the other person doesnt want to get back together now, there's nothing you can do but work on yourself. If the other person wants you back, they may be pushed away by coming back to a depressed panic stricken person. Through working on yourself you may find that your motives for gettnig back together are from a sense of embarassment, love deprivation, or that you truly love the person and want them back for the right reasons. Someone on this thread said "Different strokes for different folkes". I beleive that to be true. No 2 relationships are the same. Past experiences cloud your future outlook on things, or show you the light. Havent you ever been unsure about something, many people tell you not to do it but you do it anyways and it works out for the best? Advice is just advice and any should be taken with a grain of salt because no one can tell you how you feel or how their ex REALLY feels. Now here's my question ot you Jdub. This isnt a mock, this isnt a challenge, this is a serious question that i am curious about. Where you are proof positive that a second chance can happen and it can work (whether short or long term), why dont you ever put in your 2 cents on how to make something work instead of shooting people down at the first chance? Having attained what most people here are looking for, you could be a great asset to this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Here is an update on my situation. I just got home from visiting my ex girlfriend today after 2 months of being broken up. I went ahead and took a chance of buying her flowers and a friendship card. I thought about it alot last night and I guess God was telling me to go for it because she did accept them and thank me for them on 2 different occasions today. The visit went well this afternoon and evening. There was no arguing. I prayed to God that she would bring up the subject about the relationship and she did bring it up with a question and I simply answered and then we opened up and got everything out on the table about what went wrong. I suspected even before she told me tonight that the break up didn't have everything to do with me but also with what has been going on in her family as far as her grandmother's health. She says she appreciates the fact that I have not pushed the issue or put any pressure on her to come back. We had a good time watching tv, working on word search puzzles and eating dinner. I later took her out to visit some of her friends in her town since she doesn't get out much. She hugged me like 3-4 times before I left her house tonight. After talking I've found closure. I mean that I am certain that she is still uncertain about her decision but for now she just wants to be friends. I'm ok with that. IMHO If we were to get back together I would have to be her friend before going back to dating exclusively. I don't think we should just jump back into bed right away anyway. Don't get me wrong. I'm not being her friend just because I hope that I'll get her back. I want to continue being her friend whether we get back to dating exclusively or not. We are both agreeing to play things by ear. We may even see each other again in a couple weeks to go play some pool. I agree with the one who posted about giving advice. The problem is that any advice that is given is only based on a person's experience. I agree that in order to get accurate advice you must reveal all the details of your situation but even then we don't know your ex girlfriend as well as you do. We haven't met her. Even my ex isn't sure of herself about what she will or will not do. She's leaving things in God's hands as am I. I don't always come here to get advice but to feel better when I'm sad. I'm not at all putting my life on hold for my ex and she knows that. I am just going on about my business as usual and I'm always in the process of making new friends whether male or female. I don't have that many friends anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 Ahh grace. You have grasped the whole point of my post. Instead of giving ultimatums and pushing yourself, you decided to show your ex that you still care for them and you are there for them. This accomplished 2 things for you which i meant for this post to do. You received some closure, you calmed down. Also, you were able to create a situation where communication lines could be opened up and you could both talk under normal states of mind. Some frown upon going the loving friend route and i dont necissarily dissagree with them, but for you it worked. Relationships are based on the highest level of friendship and without creating that bridge back to friendship, you are asking for the intimate side back. Some relationships are based on intimacy alone and others are your best friend. In your case it sounds like what you are doing gives your ex the assurance that you are still there for them but not pressuring them into anything they dont want. Good job and good luck! (your situation sounds almost the same as mine) Link to post Share on other sites
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