grace2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Someone on this thread said "Different strokes for different folkes". I beleive that to be true. No 2 relationships are the same. Past experiences cloud your future outlook on things, or show you the light. Havent you ever been unsure about something, many people tell you not to do it but you do it anyways and it works out for the best? Advice is just advice and any should be taken with a grain of salt because no one can tell you how you feel or how their ex REALLY feels. I take all the advice I read here with a grain of salt. I have to weigh the advice given in light of my situation and how well I know my ex the last 2.5 years. I also do not believe that everyone who breaks up with you is out to hurt you or is a bad person. Depending on the reason for the break up, the ex might be doing what is best for you. That's the sign of a good person. The first time my ex broke up with me it was for my own good. I was into self-mutilation and she broke up with me so I would come to the end of myself and get help. If she didn't care about me at all she would've just ignored the cuts on my arms. She stuck by me as a friend the whole time but it hurt her to see me hurt myself through cutting. I still believe in the no contact policy but not all circumstances require enforcing strict no contact. Right now I'm at a point where we are in contact with each other but again I let her initiate talk about relationship matters. Had I stuck to strict no contact all this time I wouldn't have gotten the answers and closure I got tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Now here's my question ot you Jdub. This isnt a mock, this isnt a challenge, this is a serious question that i am curious about. Where you are proof positive that a second chance can happen and it can work (whether short or long term), why dont you ever put in your 2 cents on how to make something work instead of shooting people down at the first chance? Having attained what most people here are looking for, you could be a great asset to this forum. While we wait for Jdub, I'll add my two cents... You can't make it work if they're not willing to reciprocate your efforts. Desire is as mysterious as it is spontaneous, and it's tough to revive once it starts waning. Like rescuing a sinking ship -- takes a helluva lot of time and energy, considering that those resources could be better utilized someplace else. All I know is, if a girl doesn't like me, so be it. If she changes all of a sudden and starts to withdraw, fine. I'll let her go. It's hard at first, but I know it's just a matter of time before I'm over it. In fact, it happened to me once in college and once afterward. Both times I dumped them and moved on, because I knew there were plenty of fish willling to take their place. It took one girl by surprise... she didn't think I'd have the balls to do something like this. She had it coming, just for toying with my emotions. Do I know people who worked it out after things turned sour? Sure, but it took awhile, and the guys suffered a slow death as they waited for their girls to warm up again. It's a process that's more emasculating than anything else, and those guys were too afraid to do anything about it, especially after they got back together. Last thing you should do is disrespect yourself, no matter how much you like someone. But maybe things will work out and you'll live happily ever after. At least you're living and learning, so hang in there. Man, I haven't written this much in a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 great post westernerx. It doesn't seem you agree with the outlook of this thread but you are able to show it can work but there may also be some consequences attached. If someone was to try my approach and they did die a slow death, but things worked out good or even better than before, in your opinion, would the slow death be worth the aggony if things work out to be better than before and they didnt turn into a whipped partner like some of your friends did? Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Hey lostnconfused I appreciate you starting this thread. I don't see you giving anyone false hope or tickling anyone's ears at all just for the record. What I get out of your posts is that if one approach doesn't work it's time to try a different approach. I think your outlook is a very realistic and open minded one. By the way I don't necessarily disagree either with those who say staying friends with the ex is a bad idea. Again it goes back to depending on the reasons for the break up and why your ex wants to remain friends. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 If someone was to try my approach and they did die a slow death, but things worked out good or even better than before, in your opinion, would the slow death be worth the aggony if things work out to be better than before and they didnt turn into a whipped partner like some of your friends did? I wouldn't rule out the possibility of things working out even better than before, but it all depends on how much you're willing to endure. At some point, if it hurts too deeply, you have to end it. It all depends on age and experience, too. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 quit dreamin dude. i have a screen name and it isn't dude. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 >Now here's my question ot you Jdub. This isnt a mock, this isnt a challenge, this is a serious question that i am curious about. Where you are proof positive that a second chance can happen and it can work (whether short or long term), why dont you ever put in your 2 cents on how to make something work instead of shooting people down at the first chance? Having attained what most people here are looking for, you could be a great asset to this forum You know how I made my second shot work? I moved on when he walked away -- and once he realized he lost me, I mean REALLY lost me (I wouldnt play the games and mixed messages all y'all are falling for because I am a female, I know being friends will never get me back into the relationship boat) because he had a chance to miss me, he came back on his OWN which showed me that he loved me so much that I didnt have to talk him back in to being with me. What most of you don't seem to want to acknowledge is that youre sitting around and waiting when what you should be doing is moving on. Talking to your ex right now is only going to do you wrong - its going to keep you confused and overanalyzing every little detail (when what youre analyzing probably didnt have any meaning to begin with, youre just grasping for any crumbs possible) AND it wont give them a chance to see what life is like without you...and until they know that, they'll never fully return to you like you all hope they will. You can't talk someone into returning, so you might as well put the future in the hands of fate, and move forward on your own. By breaking up with you, essentially your ex is telling you they dont love you any longer, for what ever reason. That isnt your fault, but youre kidding yourself if you think hanging around waiting is going to get them to realize they made a mistake. Sure I could post til my fingers were sore about how to make a second shot work, but you guys aren't in the same position I am at the moment so whats the point? First you need to GET the second chance, and I am telling you HOW to do it -- *however*, youre all getting defensive about your each individual situation because youre convinced youre the exception. Keep believing that and SOMEDAY you'll wake up and see that you've missed your life as it passed you by. wx3 is a perfect example of what I am talking about. Actions speak volumes louder than words do, and wx3 seems to think that since his ex still "is crazy" about him, shes on her way to coming back. Unfortunately, if she really wanted to she would RIGHT NOW before she gets in even deeper with this other fella. When a woman wants something, she will do what she needs to in order to get it. She WILL leave others on the sidelines as a back up in case the new relationship doesnt work (guys do this too of course) and wx3 is, if anything, a crutch for her while she decides whether or not this other guy is the one for her. If he fell off the face of the planet for a while, it'll have her thinking about him a whole lot more than if hes in her life daily. She will wonder where he is, who hes with, if he's gone forever, if she made a mistake, if she'll get him back, what he's thinking right now, so on and so forth. Mystery is a very attractive asset to have, and once you know how to accomplish it, you can make it work in your favor. wx3, you can tell us all you want that we're making "assumptions" about your situation, but until she comes back to you (if she even does), nobody can list the facts, not even yourself because even YOU dont know if shes going to return. Youre settling for crumbs and thats a sad, sad thing to see someone do. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 I couldn't agree with JDub even more. You need to walk away and move on. Let them come to you. They are the ones that dumped you. They are the ones that need to say, "I made a mistake and want you back." I think in the beginning of a break up, immediately becoming friends is only going to prolong the pain. Oftentimes, I think that if you take the "being friends route", is only wishful thinking that you will get back together again. The key thing is to focus on yourself, heal yourself, move on and worry about being friends later. However, I made a big mistake yesterday contacting my ex, after 1 month of NC. He owed me money, I got a cleaning bill for the apartment we shared and I wanted to discuss how we were going to handle this. Deep down inside, I was just using that as an excuse to talk to him. I didn't talk about the relationship, I didn't say I miss you, I didn't say I love you. I did say, "I'm confused why we broke up, I accept your decision and I'm moving on." But I wish that I didn't contact him because now I'm overanalyzing everything he said and now I feel like complete crap. By the way Jdub, how long were you two apart? I'm just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Jdub, after reading some of your posts, I've concluded that you and I think exactly alike. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Nikita20, my bf and I were apart just over a month. The first week was agony, I was on here posting my heart away trying to think of ways to get him to come back to me. Then someone woke me up - actually a few someone's, and I decided enough was enough and that if my "ex" thought I was dispensable, then screw him. I knew deep down that I was worth more than that, and it took every ounce of strength inside me but I finally took his pics off my desk, tucked away (but did not throw away - I couldnt bring myself to toss things away that might someday bring a smile to my face and not make me cry) the gifts he bought me, took the CDs we listened to together out of my car, and deleted all of his contact info in my phone so I couldnt drunk dial him or "accidentally" hit send while analyzing his texts. I dont regret doing any of that either, because this time around I consider it two new people in a new relationship. We treat eachother very differently now, and I won't tolerate the slightest bit of crap from him (if he were to try, so far so good) because I know now that I CAN live without him and I will be ok alone. When he came back, it was the day after his bday and he was CRUSHED that I didnt bother to wish him a good one (thanks to all the lovely LS members out there I couldnt have done it w/o ya) and he told me he checked his phone every 10 mins to see if I called. He said it tore him apart that I didnt care enough to wish him a happy birthday. Later, I explained to him that he wanted to know what life was like without me by dumping me, so I gave him what he asked for. That includes no birthday wishes. He understood, he made his bed and he had to lay in it. The best part of the deal was when he came back to me, it was ALL on MY terms now. I was no longer trying to get him to see why I deserved him, oh no...it was the other way around now. He was the old BF I fell in love with 3 yrs ago -- the one who would drop everything for me if I needed help, who did nice lil somethings for me just because, the one who loved me and thought the world of me. Before we broke up, he was a bitter, mean, guarded jerk who thought the world revolved around him. I dont know where I went wrong back then that changed him into such a monster, although he says he knows what happened and he fixed it AND the month we had apart made him realize he could NOT live without me. You know, the funny thing is -- had I stuck around and played the "Friend" game w/ him, I know it wouldnt have worked out. I'd still be a whiny little puppy towards him and he'd still treat me like crap, because he would be getting the best of both worlds -- moving on, but at the same time he got to keep tabs on me and see how much losing him tortured me. I couldnt let him see my tears any longer and I am SOOOOO Sososososos glad I did that. Couldnt be happier. I am actually packing my bags right now because he's taking me to a well-known theme park for their halloween shindig and we're leavin in a few hours. All organized by him, paid and taken care of. This is the guy I fell for way back when. And to westernxer, I've noticed you & I think alike as well -- pretty cool that a guy & a girl can be on the same level. I think once you've been burned and been around for a while, you live and learn. You & I have probably had similar experiences which taught us the ropes Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 I used to think like most of the posters on this thread; that I was an exception to the situation and that I'd receive a speedy resolution. NOPE! At first I did not like the harshness of westernxer's words, but as time progressed, I have grown to see the wisdom of them. It's not pessimism, its realism. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 I used to think like most of the posters on this thread; that I was an exception to the situation and that I'd receive a speedy resolution. NOPE! At first I did not like the harshness of westernxer's words, but as time progressed, I have grown to see the wisdom of them. It's not pessimism, its realism. EXACTLY. I know, a while back I was all "Oh whatever you guys, I know my ex better than you and he wouldnt do that" and then it hit me -- I didnt think he'd ever leave me either and GUESS WHAT!? And I did the whole "I am an exception because our relationship was different, we LOVED eachother and we were talking about our future, that means something." um, der....oops ... Westernxer responded to a post of mine back when I was entertaining the idea of trying to get my ex back, and at the time I was kinda shocked at the bluntness he threw at me because I was expecting all the BS like "Oh dont worry, youre making the right decision" and he didnt tell it to me like that. I am soooo glad he didnt because it triggered a new thought process: hm, maybe he has a point? The thing is, it takes me 8 paragraphs to explain what he can say in one sentence That's wisdom! Link to post Share on other sites
tony444 Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Way back when i thought the old western x was a moron (sorry to sound harsh) but now i to see that he just hits the nail on the head every time and is the first to tell people what they arent ready to hear. He did for me and i can see what he means now and respect it. As far as J-Dubb, 3-4 weeks apart isnt exactly an epic time apart. And from a guys perspective could be more falling back into routine then anything. But then again, i dont know either of you and wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 As for my situation, we didnt jump right into being friends right away. We talked on the phone or through text messages here and there but we just recently got into a friends mode over the past month. We were apart for over a year. One thing is for sure is that i do accept the fact that "We" are not the exception. Sure there's special things about our relationship that differ from others but unless something big happenes, our situation is just like everyone elses. Heck i even tried the no contact bit during that year off but all it did was get her mad. For my situatoin going the route of this post has helped me out personally because it has given me alot of closure and has really opened up communication lines more than they were while we were going out, which could have been one of the problems we broke up in the first place. Instead of a depressed gut wrenching feeling all the time and wishing for her back, now i just accept the fact that if it happens it happens. If not, i'll still have a great friend. And if something better comes along if she changes her mind suddenly, too bad for her. I'll still be there to be her friend. She wants me to meet her at her work for lunch this week and im still gonna keep playing my same cards. And btw, seems as if this thread is almost 50/50. Thats good, i've picked up alot from both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 > You know how I made my second shot work? I moved on when he walked away What most of you don't seem to want to acknowledge is that youre sitting around and waiting when what you should be doing is moving on. AND it wont give them a chance to see what life is like without you...and until they know that, they'll never fully return to you like you all hope they will. I just noticed something big. Anyone including you JDub, can correct me if i'm wrong. The way you are wording things is almost contradictory but shows an important point. If you had truly moved on, you wouldnt have any feelings to get back together. Yet you took him back. Did you really move on or just tell yourself that? You seem to be a perfect example of this situation yet your second chance just happened in a different way. Obviously your ex didnt take the same approach as you. If he had, neither of you would have talked to each other again. Basically, your ex got you back, you didnt get him back. He was the one that came back to you. IMHO, people on this thread who agree with me seem to be in what was your ex's shoes. You and Westernxer seem to be on the other side. In summary, if you had truly moved on, there wouldn't have been anything your ex could do to get you back. But just because you didnt play the games, it doesnt neccisarily (sp?) mean that anyone on your side of the fence wouldn't just to test the waters. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Bottom line is she wasn't holding a torch for her ex. She still loved him but would reconsider only if he said the magic words: "I want you back." And he did, but only after realizing that he really was going to lose her for good. You pussied out because your ex didn't like the fact that you were ignoring her. But you folded, and now you're stuck constructing metaphors about an 800-pound gorilla. It's not a crime to take someone back, as long as you don't disrespect yourself in the process. Jdub played it right by not catering to his needs, because she knew it would kill her. However, he came back a different person, and he respects her more for holding firm. Your ex won't grant you the same privileges... sounds like she's walking all over you. It's obvious your bothered by your situation. I doubt you'd be talking about it if everything was cool. You sound somewhat insecure about asserting yourself, because you're afraid you'll lose her for good if you don't let her kick you in the nuts. But, hey, it's your life. Do what you want. Euphemizing your circumstances won't change a thing. She's still pussyfooting, regardless of how cordial you've become. A total waste, if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Tony444, To some, a month apart may not mean signficant "time" away. But how do you measure that? Is there a formula to determine when a better, more logical time for us to reconcile would be? Obviously, no. Whether it be a week, month, year -- he learned his lesson and did a 180 to get me back...that's whats important. lostNconfusedx10, >If you had truly moved on, you wouldnt have any feelings to get back together. Moving on doesnt mean I forgot he exists or that I didnt miss him, it simply meant I finally realized I needed to stop focusing on him and start looking within myself now since he was gone. It means I fully accepted that he made his decision and I was "moving on" to other things (my point of view anyhow). If you truly want to argue semantics, I am going to have to say that I will agree to disagree. >And if something better comes along if she changes her mind suddenly, too bad for her. So youre saying that if she comes back you wont consider giving her another chance? As for your "being on the other side of the fence" comment -- that sentence indicated that you DO know somewhere in yourself that youre still stuck on the wrong side of the proverbial fence. Deep within yourself, youre strong enough to pull yourself over, however youre still in denial about what's REALLY happening with this ex of yours. You can count on being walked all over by this girl until you either shake this trait (denial), or the end of time -- whichever comes first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNconfusedx10 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 well i wouldnt call it a total waste. She called me tonight and asked me to come over. 2 kinda arguments arose which i had to diffuse. The "almost" arguments were both issues that i know bugged her while we were going out. She would always get upset when i was late or took a long time to pick her up. I took my time going over there tonight and called her when i was almost there so she could just come out (we were going to rent a movie). When i called her she was a little annoyed that i took so long and asked if i fell asleep (which i did on her one time but i was working 65 hours lol). I told her in a joking way that "Hey, i wasnt sitting around by the phone with my keys in my hand to rush over. I wasnt ready to just get up and go when you asked me.". If i was disrespecting myself i would have caved into the argument but i gave her crap right back and that ended it quick. The other thing that came up was i asked her why only her big toes were painted. She got kinda annoyed and asked why i commented on her feet when i know she is insecure about them. I told her "I'm sorry, i forgot. its been a while you know." and that ended that annoyance before it started. Some articles i have read from actual psychologists have suggested that ex's will try to make arguments but you have to learn to diffuse them before they start. I squashed 2 of them tonight by letting her know that right now i wont drop everything i'm doing to satisfy her. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Wow, you argue like a couple. I'm glad she hasn't deprived you of any pleasures most couples enjoy when they're together. You're a lucky man. I wish a girl could break my balls before she kicks them. Link to post Share on other sites
wx3 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 I actually realize how stupid I am sometimes, lol... Alot of times its easy to write things down and then as soon as you send it / post it, you realize how retarded you sound... The few times I tried to tell her I was moving on, somehow she kept me around. Last night I clarified to her that I am gone for good, I made her think that I am happy she is with her new boyfriend, and I will be there for her if she needs me but I will not initiate any conversation with her because - as of now - we are two very different people. It wasnt reading Jdub's posts or anyone telling me I need to move on... In my case, time actually helped me see that my current approach wasn't helping me out at all. (of course, I could have just taken the advice in the first place, but I'd say learning from your mistakes is better than wondering "what if?") If she wants me back, it is now my choice of whether or not it will happen. If she doesnt come back, I'll be over her... She definitely didn't like seeing me move on.. she tried to make me feel guilty saying stuff like "Why don't you believe that I still really have alot of feelings for you?" etc. After a month of this, it honestly didn't affect me, I stayed strong, and I am happy to say the situation is now in my control Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 (of course, I could have just taken the advice in the first place, but I'd say learning from your mistakes is better than wondering "what if?") At least you know firsthand now. Glad you're taking the initiative back from her. Good job! Link to post Share on other sites
wx3 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 i <3 u west Link to post Share on other sites
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