fiance and porn issue

[dnm1010]

my fiance is addicted to porn

weve spoken abotu this many times and it took him a while but he agreed to stop looking at it. i didnt pressure him into quitting, we just talked about how we feel about it and we also talked about our future together, having kids, and what we want to build our home with... we did not want porn to be in our house and so we decided it would be best to get rid of it.

 

he was initially exposed to porn at an incredible young age, he says 4 or 5. he comes from a very good house so it wasnt like his mom was a prostitute or anything. but anyway, he decided to delete all of the porn from his computer and stop viewing it. he promised me that he quit and so whenever i would ask he said he hasnt watched it and he feels ok without it.

 

keep in mind that he has admitted that he is addicted to it. i asked him how or why but he says he doesnt know why. he says he doesnt even use it to masterbate, its just something he looks at and he doesnt know why.

 

he quit over a year ago. well this weekend i found porn on his computer. i confronted him about it and he said he had been looking at it for a while now. he tried to quit but he went back to looking at it and he doesnt know why. it wasnt a lot or anything but i was so devistated that he lied to me. i gave him his ring back for now because in our relationship he promised me two things, no porn and yes marriage... so breaking one promise was a lot. i taped the ring on his monitor becaus ei didnt want to lose it and also i wanted him to remember me when he looked at porn. he knows all this, we are very open with each other.

 

i cried a lot because of all of the times i had asked if he had watched porn and how he is doing without it and he lied to me. so many times he lied. i dont understand why and he told me hes embaraced and hes trying to get better at it.

 

at first i told him maybe we shouldnt be intimate until hes done with that stuff but then i came to the conclusion that making him sexually frustrated is not going to help steer him away from porn.

 

i offered watching it together or something but to be honest i dont like that thought very much. he doesnt want to do that because he doesnt want porn in his life anymore hes trying to stop it.

 

i just dont know what to do next. im so upset about this and he doesnt know how to quit it nor does he know why he looks at it or when. its like being in this unknown area and i dont know what the next step to take is.

 

please help if u can.. it will be greatly appreciated.

[d'Arthez]

If porn is an addiction, it is anything but easy to stop watching it. It is not the porn part that the problem for this guy. But the addiction part. And any addiction is hard to overcome. It is hard to stop addictive behavior cold turkey.

If you smoke for instance, you can agree that it is bad for your health. But that is far from a guarantee that you will never smoke again.

 

One thing you could do, is therapy / counseling for his addiction. I doubt he is wilfully misleading you, or is wilfully lieing to you. It is the addiction that has control over his behavior, and his urges.

[dnm1010]

the problem is we aer both students... we cant afford to go to counseling and i dont think he would want to involve his parents in this issue... i know it was very hard for him to admit his addiction to me. it took a lot from him.

 

the thing is im scared that even if we "solve" this problem, it will only be a lie- several other men have spent their entire married lives lying...

 

thank you very much for your input, it is good to know somone is listening.

[d'Arthez]

If he is a student, does not he have access to counseling through university? No addiction is worth it to ruin a relationship.

 

He is aware he has an issue, and that is encouraging. Of course that does not mean there is no problem, but is at least a lot easier to deal with it. And it does not make the hurt for his lies and deception less.

 

One way of dealing with it to an extent, is to acknowledge that the porn itself is not the main issue in his behavior, but the addiction itself. The addiction that produces the lies and the deceit.

Discussions and arguments are hard on both of you involved. Especially because it soon seems to be focused on the porn, and not so much about the addiction. And he may feel that he as a person is wrong, while it is only a small aspect of him that is a nuisance.

 

Make clear that you love him, but hate the addiction. Because he is addicted he has little control over his porn habits now. So punishing him for doing something he cannot control (yet), would have had a detrimental effect on the relationship.

I am not an expert on dealing with addictions, but as long as he acknowledges he has a problem, and is willing to address it, the two of you can get there.

 

Of course it will take some time for you to regain the trust. And that is something he should be addressing (and probably will address), once he is not addicted anymore.