TUDOR Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Are their any suggestions about what needs to be discussed? the three biggies: sex (and your back-up "plan" for when it wanes), finances/economics (handling bill paying, putting aside money for emergencies and having enough for yourself to piddle around with) and family (the where-to-go-for-holiday stuff, what you will/will not do for family, how much is too much when it comes to helping family). Those have been killers, especially the first two subjects, in our marriage. Though by now, it's the money-handling part that's the worst because of dumb ideas of who's "responsible for X bill" -- that stuff has to be flexible, and there shouldn't be argument over "YOU said you were gonna do it, blah blah blah" Quankanne said it best. Don't wait on these, now is the time! And congrats!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted October 27, 2005 Author Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thanx for all the congrats guys. Thanx for laying it out for me quake. I was seriously thinking about getting a book about it. I want everything to be tackled before it even becomes an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 There really is a lot to discuss. When you check out those books, you'll find issues you didn't even think about thinking about. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 there's some good research material out there ... found this http://adams.patriot.net/~crouch/flnc/davoid.html while looking at the Retrouvaille website, this is sort of a "what not to do in your marriage" piece based on exit interviews of divorced persons. outcast's suggestion to find a premarital course is an excellent ideer, too. Our diocese sponsors a monthly Marriage Preparation weekend for engaged couples (called Pre-Cana counselling in my parents' day), which talks about a variety of issues pertaining to marriage and married life. Not sure what's offered outside the Catholic Church, but I'm sure you'll come across information in your research. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Virginia gentlemen firmly believe that a lady must have her every whim catered to in all things, great and small. Believing that the only way to correct socially unacceptable behavior in a female is to set a better example, these men deal with a mate's inappropriate behavior, extreme selfishness, and illogical perceptions of the marital or parenting relationship simply by saying "Yes dear Yeowp! An entire culture of obsequiousness!! Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 my parents got married after 7 wks and have been together over 30 yrs! It happens and it works and do not let anyone tell you differently. Only you know! Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 my parents got married after 7 wks and have been together over 30 yrs! It happens and it works and do not let anyone tell you differently. Only you know! Yes but that was when the divorce rate wasn't what it is today.50% of all new marriages end in divorce within 24 months stats from Dr.Phil show.60%of all second marraiges end in divorce.Its a coin toss now a days.I am not trying to rain on the parade but everyone thinks their marriage will last for ever but stats show they just don't.Go to counseling learn how to communicate while you are engaged do everything to learn how to be and stay married that is advice I wish I got when I was engaged.No-one is taught how to be married or how to work on your marriage so do it right.......good luck Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 50% of all new marriages end in divorce within 24 months stats from Dr.Phil show.60%of all second marriages end in divorce. I am Mr. Quank's third wife. I told him that as a somewhat decent Catholic girl, I didn't believe in divorce as a "solution." That if we couldn't make it work, then I'd have to kill his *ss. Happily enough to say that this marriage has lasted four times as long as the first two together AND a relationship with a live-in girlfriend. We've had our share of problems, but I think we've established a decent sense of communication in this marriage – that even though we may want to pinch each other's heads off from frustration, the love doesn't change ... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 my parents got married after 7 wks and have been together over 30 yrs! It happens and it works and do not let anyone tell you differently. Only you know! And several thousand couples got married after 7 weeks and then divorced. The point is that if there's something bad to find out, you might as well spend enough unmarried time together to figure out whether it's there. It's a real pain in the butt to find it out after you're married and then have to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamrick Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Congrats on the engagement. My parents were married after 3 weeks and have been married 32 years now. That's not to say they didn't have problems. I don't think time has anything to do with it - I think you need to love the person and be committed to make it work. We all want things perfect and happy all the time - life's not like that. Plus we are meant to change and there are meant to be problems - if you just refuse to accept that and work on the problems then of course the marriage will end in divorce. If you go into a marriage both committed to work on it all the time then it will succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted October 28, 2005 Author Share Posted October 28, 2005 If you go into a marriage both committed to work on it all the time then it will succeed. And that it will. We compramise on everything and communicate very well. I have no doubts. Thanx Tam for your support! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Congratulations! I hope you'll be very happy and stay in love forever. When people say it's too soon, joke with them and say: "What? Do you expect me to mary him AFTER I discover all his faults? " Link to post Share on other sites
nightsailing Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Congratulations! I understand that people in your circle might be surprised, but they should just be happy for you two. My friend has been dating her man for 4 months and they have been talking about marriage for a while. They are great together. Most people who are shocked by this and think it's too soon, have probably been burned. When you have been raked through the coals, you tend to be more cautious with each person you date, so by the time you meet the "love of you life," you're all "f**ked up...LOL! For me personally, less than a year would be too soon for me because of the reason I mentioned above. However, I am always happy for those who find it whether they have been dating 1 month or 13 years. Good Luck and don't let anyone piss on your parade. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 It's not pissing on parades. It's understanding how to make wise choices and how many people make seriously unwise ones and avoiding the latter. It's kind of sick that in a world where we all know that a large percentage of marriages end in divorce, people still want to believe that you can 'fall in love' and know someone well enough to marry him or her after just a few months. When are people going to learn? When will people figure out that that's not enough? That 'you just know' is bogus? This is why sometimes I think sites like this are pointless; despite the best advice, people will go ahead and make the mistakes anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 It's not pissing on parades. It's understanding how to make wise choices and how many people make seriously unwise ones and avoiding the latter. It's kind of sick that in a world where we all know that a large percentage of marriages end in divorce, people still want to believe that you can 'fall in love' and know someone well enough to marry him or her after just a few months. When are people going to learn? When will people figure out that that's not enough? That 'you just know' is bogus? This is why sometimes I think sites like this are pointless; despite the best advice, people will go ahead and make the mistakes anyway. What is your proposal for the ideal timetable to go from meeting to marriage? Please articulate it, and explain the basis for your reasoning. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 It's not 'my' idea. Go read up on love chemistry. In particular, read the stuff by Helen Fisher and her associates. After 12 to 18 months, but for some as long as three years, the effects of the biochemistry start to wear off. Here's a quote I found on one site: Once this initial rush of chemicals wanes (inevitable after six months to three years, depending on the individual and the circumstances), their relationship crumbles. If you think the feelings that these chemicals generate constitute 'love', then when the 'love' you think you feel fades, as it will, you believe you've 'fallen out of love' and often leave. Other people develop the long-term bonding chemicals that keep them going once the first batch is gone. But you have to wait out the first batch. From the majority of LS tales, and other experiences I know of, most people feel that fade between six months and a year into the relationship; I've not met anyone that took a whole three years but I'm sure there are some. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 It's not 'my' idea. Go read up on love chemistry. In particular, read the stuff by Helen Fisher and her associates. After 12 to 18 months, but for some as long as three years, the effects of the biochemistry start to wear off. Here's a quote I found on one site: If I understand the OP correctly, she wants to be married in 8-12 months. She has been dating him seven months. 15-19 monts seems to be within the healthy range of being in a relationship before tying the knot. Would you caution anyone planniing on getting married before the full 36, or is there something in particular about this couple's individual circumstances that makes you feel your conservative advice is merited? For the record, I agree with you that it's better to err on the side of waiting too long rather than not long enough. Then again, I also question the entire institution. Edit: we crossposted edits. Seems like you answered most of my contentions herein. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I have a problem with people who think with blinders on. Everything isn't so black and white. There are too many variables. Both people's experiences (or inexsperience as the case may be) count for a lot. There ARE times when "you just know" and you're actually RIGHT! I've already mentioned that my H and I were engaged after 4 weeks and married knowing each other less than one year. (We've been married 10 years and we're still very compatible) We've all seen couples who knew each other for years before getting married who couldn't make it work. It's so much more than just a time issue. I knew more about my H after 4 weeks than I did after years with past relationships. It's not all about biochemistry, it's also about BRAINS and EXPERIENCE. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 If you think the feelings that these chemicals generate constitute 'love', then when the 'love' you think you feel fades, as it will, you believe you've 'fallen out of love' and often leave. Herein lies the problem. Love shouldn't be a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Love is a verb. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Good point Bab! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I think the long engagement is wise; I'm more protesting the flock of 'oh well my great grand uncle got married in two weeks and it was wonderful' replies that try to support the idea that people can and should meet and marry very rapidly. IF she sticks to the long engagement and doesn't start planning a wedding for another six or seven months, then all may be well. That should be enough time for trouble to make itself apparent if there's any to be had. I think 36 months is probably not necessary for more mature people; maybe people on their second or later marriage because they will already be aware of the potential pitfalls (or at least one hopes the will). But people who are in first serious relationships or are younger than 30 haven't the life experience to know what the pitfalls are first-hand. I'd say maybe a couple years would be better for them. Link to post Share on other sites
scratch Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Herein lies the problem. Love shouldn't be a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Love is a verb. In the context of this entire thread it's been discussed as a feeling. If love is but a verb, it's been so thoroughly misused in this thread, this site and this world so as to effectively acquire the definiton of a feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 In the context of this entire thread it's been discussed as a feeling. If love is but a verb, it's been so thoroughly misused in this thread, this site and this world so as to effectively acquire the definiton of a feeling. Very true. To be technical, the English language fails miserably in regards to the word love. One of the hundereds of definitions of love that I'm refering to, is the kind that makes relationships work, and it ain't a feelin'. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Outcast, I agree with this 100%! "I think 36 months is probably not necessary for more mature people; maybe people on their second or later marriage because they will already be aware of the potential pitfalls (or at least one hopes the will). But people who are in first serious relationships or are younger than 30 haven't the life experience to know what the pitfalls are first-hand. I'd say maybe a couple years would be better for them." Yes, I couldn't agree more and I've gone so far as to say people have no business getting married before the age of 30. That's just my opinion. It works for many but I don't recommend it. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Oh, just wanted to add something. The weird thing is though that I THINK, not sure about this, maybe someone knows but I think second marriages actually have a higher failure rate. But they may be due to other variables like children/stepchildren, blended families, dealing with exes, etc. (I could write a book on all that! ) Link to post Share on other sites
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