My fiance has a new friends whose a girl. How close is too close? Am I too Jealous?

[SMHappyface]

I have been with my fiance for two and a half years. During this time, one year of it was with me at college 1500 miles away and then 6 months later he has been working 400 miles away and only coming home for a few days. We've definately had a share of trials with the distance.

 

Anyways, here's the dirt - His dad's girlfriend's daughter moved in with his dad. Since my fiance is there quite a bit, it's hard for him not to see her. She isn't a pretty girl as she is overweight and a bit homely, so I'm not really worried about them getting together. But they hit it off so well. My finace likes to joke and tease and has a wide variety of friends both male and female, but no really close female friends - I've been his main girl in all aspects for a couple of years and this was a new experience for me. Watching the way she looks at him and the way he winks at her, jokes and teases her and generally "flirts" sent me to a horrific spasm of jealous. I tried to remember the last time we me and I felt the best friends card I had held in his heart was being usurped. I flipped out and started ignoring my fiance which made matters worse. I finally told him that I couldn't stand to watch him with her and he could be friends, but none of this best friend business. It was either her or me. He told me that if I was gunna act like that we should break up. I was devestated. All up to now he would ask me before even spending time with a girl and if there was any hint I was jealous, he wouldn't do it. What did this girl have that I didn't?

 

Of course my fiance had done nothing wrong except want to spend time with his new friend. I was invited along if I wanted to come, but that sentance even made me feel like a third wheel. She should be the one that was being invited! Stupid things like that pissed me off like when he came back one time from work he told me he had bought me some of my favorite chocolate bars. When he gave them to me, he asked I wanted to share one of them (there were two) with her. NO! They were MINE! He called me coldhearted.

 

I should probably clarify something here. This girl who I will call Jody, had just gotten a divorce after her husband of five years had cheated on her with several women and gotten one of them pregnant. My fiance who I will call Nick is a very sensitive guy - you could call him a ladies man without the A-hole part of that. He makes friends easily and most girls find him very sweet. Jody screamed damsel in distress and Nick felt the need to answer the call.

 

I've talked to him about in rationally since then, and he confirms they are only friends "you are the one I love and want to marry" he reassures me. And I do believe him, but I also wonder, after several years of being his best friend and doing everything with him, am I losing part of that friendship to another girl, or is it temporary? He encourages me to make other friends because as he states it, "I am not enough friend for what you need. Keeping you satisfied means having to only focus on you every minute I'm around you." Am I too jealous? I remember many times he would complain that I made plans without him or didn't spend time with him when I could, so I guess I don't understand these new developments...

 

I guess the question I want answered is this - is it natural for two people that truely love each other to spend large quantities of their time with other people? I hardly see him as it is, and I don't wanna lose out to some random girl-buddy. I don't worry that his dick will go a-wandering, but I do worry that his heart will...

 

*sigh* Give me your thoughts. I know I'm not perfect, but I want to fix it.

[cheerfulstoic]

Nobody's answered your post so I will. You've a real dilemma there, many of us have to confront this one.

 

Your problem is twofold.

 

Firstly, this relationship is a real threat. Male-female friendship always contains the potentiality for something more, particularly when needy female meets a caring guy. People have a spectrum of opinion on this issue, but I think the platonicists fall into the gap between theory "we can just be friends" and practice "we started out as friends but then....". Intimacies can lead, as you have seen, to flirting. The essence of flirting is that it is courting behaviour. They may not even know or want acknowledge this but no point in being blind to it or feeling guilty that you can see it. Don't be surprised if they go out for a party evening, have a few drinks, then "Whoops! I accidentally fell onto his p*nis". So yes she is a problem for you.

 

But your own reaction is the bigger problem. Ultimatum-ing a guy is a last resort, and you blew it, it's a busted flush. Jealousy is almost always a turn off. You're the better woman - show it and BELIEVE it - and he will chase you, particularly, and I know this is hard, you play hard to get. You can say that his behaviour makes you upset and uncomfortable, but don't whine or you'll increase the chance he'll flip over to the other side. Remember "The Rules" - they're not far wrong here. And make it clear in so many words that "One strike and you're out", if you havn't already.

 

I think you have to limit his time with you and show an indifferent eye to the woman. Maybe start hanging out with the guys from the local gym (we guys are very sensitive to other guys sniffing around our turf, just like you gals are smily sisters on the surface but with razor claws underneath). Keep those claws sheathed girl, and you will get your man. And if he goes for the other, he wasn't worthy of you and getting into a catfight wouldn't have helped and won't help.

[MakeMeBeautiful]

I know how you feel. It is so hard to not act like a jealous freak when your man is spending loads of time with another girl. There is always the potential of something happening even though he assures you that you are the only girl for him and that he loves you. A few years ago, my bf of 3 years started getting really close to one of my best friends. I moved to Boston to be closer to him and my best friend (after my brother rejected her advances) decided to move to Boston and start a new life. I offered her a place to stay. The problem was that I did not live in Boston full time. I took some time off school to live there but I had to go back to school in San Diego. This left the two of them alone. I felt they were getting too close and I acted like the jealous loon. My suspicions were not unfounded. A week before I was to fly back out there during spring break my best friend called one of my other friends and said, "why is that b***h coming out here? Doesn't she know that Don and I are dating now?" Before this they both reassured me that they both loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Four years later...they are married and have a son together.

 

You have yourself a dilemma here. If you act jealous and mean, it will only drive your fiance away. If you play it off cool, she can still get her claws in him. When two people spend a lot of time together, feelings are bound to develop. I attribute love to proximity. I can just see them tell you, "I'm sorry. we didn't mean for it to happen. We just fell in love." Beauty has nothing to do with it either. Just because she is unattractive and overweight doesn't mean she can't charm him. I thought I was the better catch. My ex downgraded when he chose my friend over me.

 

You have to remember to be you. Don't be vindictive and spiteful. Kill her with kindness and act as if their friendship does not phase you. Have confidence in your relationship with your fiance. I know it is hard. If she is a good person she will never do anything to break up a relationship. That is a motto I live by. I hate cheaters and homewreckers.

 

This situation reminds me of a song by Dream "He Loves You Not". Here is the partial lyrics:

 

"I know you can hardly wait til I'm away from him.

Instinctively, I know what you're thinking,

You'll be giving him an open invitation,

But my baby won't be taken in."

[SMHappyface]

He was cheating on me with her... and I found out she isn't the first one. He lied to me, and is treating me awful and never dumped me until he figured I was finding out the truth (from friends, neighbors, family members) then he broke up over the phone. What a dick - you can read more of my story in the coping/breaking up sections. But I am glad I found out the truth before I said I Do.

[Mary3]

There you go...

 

Very similar situation I incurred myself.

 

You lose.

 

When they get involved and get you pissed about wanting them to end it , well you lose. Everytime.

 

She wins. He wins.

 

Game over.

 

Very sorry to hear.

 

You did what you could do. But they wanted their friendship. They wanted it over your needs and wishes, your desires and dreams were squished while they took care of their own needs.

 

Thank God you did not marry him

 

YOU should ALWAYS be first. If you are NOT first then its time to re-evaluate here.

 

Wish you the best of luck !

 

You are very pretty. She was so so and he wanted it. Go figure.

[SMHappyface]

It wasn't that they were friends. My ex-finace has had many female friends before of which I wasn't the least bit jealous. The fact wasn't that they were friends or that they couldn't be friends, but that the friends they were was put more importance than our relationship. And when my fiance found out that I was starting to put the pieces together and the fact they were ALREADY sleeping together before I even got jealous, it was really good that we broke up. I don't want to be the stay-at-home wife while he's enjoying flavor of the month.

[Sami_D]

She isn't a pretty girl as she is overweight and a bit homely, so I'm not really worried about them getting together.

 

This is nothing to do with your story, but just an observation I'm making.

 

I have read this so often... the 'homely' not so fit, and several other descriptions of OW that are given... Why is it that these 'not so physically attractive' women get dismissed by women but not by men..? Are men not so superficial as we're so often told..?

 

Or what..? Yeah I know I should start a new thead but I just don't know where to put it and so on.

[Mary3]

Because there was a uniqueness about the Other Women.

 

Even though she was overweight or didn't have shiny locks of hair , she had SOMETHING that he wanted and obviously she was attracted to him and he went to her and Voila ! They are together.

 

Go figure what makes a man forget a pretty girl such as the OP and go with someone more bland.

 

What he might have found attractive was her sense of humor, her caring , her heart. The previous OP has it all but someone took him away. The OP will likely fair well in the dating world and heal from this eventually.

 

What a loss ...I am sorry to hear.

[Judas Christian]

Nothing makes me sicker than someone cheating. Doesn't have to be on me, just the concept of it makes me want to hurl. Always has, even when I was a little kid. Anytime I heard about someone cheating on someone else (once I understood what that was) it always turned my stomach. It's revolting, and I'm sorry to hear you were cheated on. That said, you're right that it's good you found out and didn't marry him. What an idiot to even consider marrying you while cheating on you - what did he think was going to happen down the road? You can't get much more complicated than divorce, so he really is an idiot for even carrying on those relationships that way. Nonetheless, good luck to you in the future and keep your chin up. No matter how much someone hurts us, we can always walk away with our dignity - no one but ourselves can take that away.

[SMHappyface]

Absolutely. Nobody can take away your dignity. The other girl wasn't attractive, but she did spoil my ex-fiance rotten with sex anytime he wanted it, money, washing his car, doing his laundry, doting on him (and most new women do). I worked full-time and did as much as I can, but she's home all day and can dote more 'fully'. She's not a nice person, she just acts like it. Her mother is the same way and broke up my ex's dad and his wife. Makes themselves a doormat but comes in between another couple.

[Mary3]

Wow , I knew a big nasty girl like that who was kissy kissy but fake..going out of her way to impress....maybe we know the same person ?