Sad and blue--with mindless babbling

[Meta]

I think I love this boy--Bert. I call him a boy because he's 7 years younger than me (though he is 22) and I find myself thinking about him all the time. He used to date my close friend so I knew about him even before we were properly introduced. I heard many bad things about him from my friend so I had a bias against him when I first met him. But after getting to know him better, I don't have that bias anymore, but instead, I think I fell for him. The strange thing is that I don't feel infatuated, or madly in love with him. I just feel sad. Whenever I think about him, I can't help thinking about how much he suffered growing up (he lost his mom when he was a child and left home when he was 16) and I feel like I want to give him the love that he didn't receive. I first thought that I was just feeling compassionate towards him. We started to establish a friendship that I felt was stronger than his prior relationships. This is because we share a similar past and we talked about our deepest thoughts one night. Even though we are not in a romantic relationship, sometimes I feel a strange tension. The other day I accidently acted like a girlfriend and he responded in a way that a boyfriend would act! I pointed out that he was not being honest to me and he acted like a boyfriend who wanted to avoid a fight. This was clearly strange because simple friends don't act like that.

 

I am old enough and been in enough relationships to know what I want in a man. But with him, I don't know what I want. I feel like I want to be with him, but at the same time I know he's not right for me. I just want to be friends with him, but at the same time it hurts that he isn't my boyfriend. I don't even know how he feels about me. The only thing I know is that he is quite open to me about his life and feelings.

 

He is a very affectionate, touchy-feely kind of person but he doesn't act like that with me. He talks a lot to me on the phone, though I think he does that with a lot of people, and I think he sort of knows I like him. What started out as compassion towards a lost soul is now turning into an emotional turmoil.

 

Yesterday, Bert drove me around town all day to help me fix my tire. Because of that, I had to cancel an appointment

 

with my friend John (who Bert doesn't know). When I stopped by John's house to tell him that, John offered to help fixing my flat. Bert acted weird. He seemed like he was a bit irritated by John. John is an easy going nice guy but Bert didn't seem to like him. Bert irritatedly said something like, "why don't you let John take care of the tire and I'll go home?" which surprised me because it seemed like Bert was tired of driving me around, which he denied. Later John told me that he sensed a competitiveness in Bert. I thought it was about fixing the tire, but according to John, it was about me. John said that it seemed like Bert was acting like a boy who was afraid that he would lose me to another guy. I don't know how to feel about this situation. I find myself analyzing what John told me and acting like a highschool girl around a person I shouldn't be falling for. I don't know what to do...I need to get out of this situation. I am just very sad. I didn't go anywhere today because I was getting depressed over this boy.

 

Any wisdom please?

[odyne]

I don't know how helpful i can be, but I understand what you are going through. It's very hard to love someone who is unresponsive and who you may not choose to love in the first place. Even if it's just a friend, sometimes it gets very complicated to continue being with someone who you aren't able to gauge. From experience, we pick up on many different signals, body language, smiles, tones..and when they contradict each other it leaves us confused to no end. It's hard, but see if you can seperate the love you feel for him. Sometimes it seems like we fall in love with people who we think need love, and maybe not those who earn our love. It sounds like this guy has some problems expressing himself, but you seem to be able to. Try and clarify why exactly you love him. Is it because he seems lonely? Or because you get the feeling he missed out on a lot in life? Just hearing you say that you don't think it'd work out if you got together is a sign. Maybe he isn't ready for a relationship, if he has a lot of unresolved issues, then he might not be able to show love the way someone else might. I have a good friend who is very hard to read. I find myself liking him as more, but then I realize it'd be bad for him (because maybe he just needs a friend right now) and for me (because I need more from him then he can give). If you come to a realization like that, hopefully it will help the hurt fade away and you can move on. If it continues to "kill you", you might need to seperate yourself from him for a while. If you do choose to do that though, try and make sure that he knows it is because you are having trouble, and not something he did. He may just have very low self esteem and think that he is not worth your time. The day where he drove you around seems to show that he does care for you, but he is just uneasy about showing it. I know some of what I'm saying is conflicting, but since I'm not there I can't say. I hope you come to a better point with this. It sounds like you are a very nice person and deserve to be happy. Bonne chance.

 

-Odyne

[Meta]

I am very glad that someone payed attention to my sad babbling. I was feeling very low the day I posted the message. It's strange how you can feel such support through this site.

 

Now I will follow up on what is making me more confused. After Bert helped me fix my tire, his car broke down but he couldn't afford to call a tow truck. I felt bad because it happened right after I got my car fixed. I called him the next day to see if he needed me to drive him around, or even get some money to fix his car. He said everything's OK and that if he gets really desperate he'll call me. Bert has really close friends who can help him out anyway. Well, he did ask me to drive him to an audition that he didn't want his friends to know about so that sort of made me feel special. But this morning, he called me up 3 hours before I was supposed to pick him up. He said that he was really sick and asked me to bring him some medicine...he didn't have a car to go himself so I stopped by the store, bought food and medicine and took care of him. He had a major headache so I massaged his head and he relaxed. He kept on saying that I'm so nice and that I always give and give. I know that's how I am with HIM, but I don't know whether he knows that or not.

 

What confuses me is that Bert is very open to me about his life and it seems like he likes me alot, but he's never touchy feely around me like he is to other people. So I'm thinking that he doesn't like me in that special way. But on the way to the audition, he suddenly, as if it's not a big deal, asked me if I would go and meet his brother with him. This was a surprise to me because Bert considers his brother a big dark secret and all I know is that his brother has been in a special hospital all his life. This confused me because I don't think anybody else has really seen his brother. If he sees me special enough to introduce his brother, why would he not approach me in that way? Even though he's a flirty, touchy feely guy, he doesn't really flirt with me. He's quite serious around me and he acts all mature, which I think is funny sometimes. If there is a slight possibility of Bert liking me more than just friends, I would go for it. The problem is is that I'm quite shy and I have a hard time initiating relationships. I can't even believe that I'm suffering over a boy who is 7 years younger than me. I know this has been a long long babble, but is there any possibility between Bert and me? Ahhhhh

[odyne]

Hi again. I'm glad my response was helpful in some way, even if it's just to let you know somebody read your post. Sounds complicated!! From what you say, it sounds like Bert does treat you differently than others he's around. That could be because he is interested in you as more than a friend, and he wants to show you that he can be serious. Then again, he may be making sure that you don't think he is leading you on. What kind of vibes do you get from him? Forgetting what exactly he says when he talks to you, how does he say it? I know you said he doesn't flirt with you, but what does he do? Have you tried making any kind of gesture to show him that you like him as more than a friend? It sounds like you are gaining his trust, and he wants you to learn about his life. I guess you have to decide if you can't wait for things to come about (or not) naturally. If it is still killing you, maybe it's time to make a move, or let him know how you feel. If not, my advice would be to stick with him a while longer and see how things turn out. You're bound to find out somehow, whether it's sooner or later. I hope it works out for you, once again, bonne chance

 

-Odyne