Running out of ideas..

[mud]

Hey everyone, I'm going through a rough time with my wife. It seems as if for the past 2 years ever other month we get into a huge arguement over anything we can think of and end up ready to seperate. We will reconcile and everything will be good. We fight about lots of different things, job, money, sex, etc.. Probably the same stuff all other couples fight about.

 

Well last night we had another one, and I just don't know what to do. I love her a lot and I want to always be with her but at the same time if we are going to fight like this every other month then what is the point? We just bought a house 3 months ago and due to this I have to work full time in the day and she works part time 4 nights a week. We rarely see each other and I'm sure this is adding to the stress as well.

 

So anyway, the latest fight was probably prevoked by me. She works as assistant manage for a local restaraunt which closes at 11:00pm. She usually does not get home till 1:30am. When it first started happening I would think ok she is just running behind with paper work etc.. well this has been going on for 2 months. Two weeks ago I woke up at 2:30am and she still was not home. I called her and she was at a party with friends from work. I got pissed off, not that she was at a party but because of the fact she didn't call me and let me know she was going, I was worried sick about where she was. She came home that night and of course we argued about it. Well like I said it's been 2 months of her getting home at like 1:30am, and every day it is a different excuse. I can believe it happens from time to time but not every work night. Well anyway back to the latest fight. She informed me she was going to go dancing at a club (I'm 27 she is 26), I asked with who and she said with a bunch of guys from work. I told her I did not want her to do that. I said if you want to go with your girlfriends then fine but don't go with a group of guys were you are the only girl (I don't go to clubs so it's out of the question for me to go with her). Well now she is claiming I don't want her to have friends and so forth, I told her I do but why does it have to be only guy friends? So between the getting home late everyday, going to parties without me knowing, wanting to go dancing with all these guys, etc.. I asked her if something was going on. I told her I trust you but something in the back of my head is saying there has to be something going on. So I guess I came out and indirectly asked if she was interested in someone else. As you can guess this didn't go over well.

 

It's not just the work situation but it's also our daily life and sex life. Without giving to much info I'm a horndog and she is pretty much repulsed by sex. We clash big time in the bedroom. So at the same time this gets me thinking maybe she is not attracted to me and so forth. She litteraly has been turned on one time in the past year, and this was when she was in a mini skirt and I kept talking about how sexy she looked. But to make matters worse she used his against me in the fight telling me the only compliments I give her are that she looks good, etc. I'm pretty insecure about us right now. Overall I just feel like she is unhappy with me.

 

So anyway we had this huge fight last night and she decides to move in with her dad for a few days, I told her I feel as if this would make things worse, once again we clash in this area. I like to get everything out on the table and talk it out and she likes to shut down and run away from the problem. She ended up staying but she is claiming to all of her friends I told her she can't come back if she leaves and I never once said that.

 

Now I hope this does not sound all one sided, because I do my fair share as well. She thinks I'm too controlling, which I am controlling. If she is out with her friends and tells me she will be home by a certain time I will call and ask where she is once that time comes. I'm not trying to envade on her but I want to make sure she is ok. If she ends up coming home a lot later then I usually give her grief, especially since we never get to go out due to the kids, I get angry when she would rather spend all her free time away with her friends as opposed to me. Is this selfish? Probably, but we seriously only get to go on like 2 dates a year, our anniversary and valentines day. I do not think it is too much to ask to want her to spend more time with me and less with her friends. Also at the same time she does not go out with her friends much, well at least that I'm aware of which I did find out she sometimes goes out with them after work.

 

She swears to me there is no one else and I beleive her to a certain extent but it's really hard to given the circumstances.

 

I need some insight and maybe even words of encouragement. We are going to try and work it out but it won't be long before we are at this point again.

 

BTW, her mom and sister are both divorced and remarried so I worry she might see this as an easy way out since the rest of her family has done it.

[looneytunes]

Mud,

 

I have been in a very similar situation as you. My girlfriend was not "into" sex either. To most women, sex is tied emotionally. Concentrate on the nonphysical side of your relationship and the sex will follow.

If she enjoys clubbing and dancing, I suggest that you learn to tolerate it. Do whatever it takes to meet her half way. If you can't dance, then you should practice or take lessons. Who would you prefer she dance with? You or other guys?

If you are concerned about the guy friends, I suggest that you go out with them a few times to meet them. If things appear "weird" when you are there. You know that something is wrong.

I'm sorry to give you more doubts but if she is stretching the truth with her friends regarding your relationship then it is quite possible that those "guys" may already assume that your relationship is on the rocks.

If it's possible, I would suggest you two take a vacation.. even if it's just a small one and have some time to yourselves.

[Outcast]

Whoa! Going out every night 'partying' until after 130? I completely disagree that you should 'meet her halfway'. I don't see where she's asking you to go or anything of the kind. She's a married woman now yet she's trying to live the single life.

 

She could be having an affair or she could just be reluctant to come home to you but that's not the way it should be. It's time for you two to have a serious talk about what you want from this marriage and how you intend to continue - or not - as a married couple.

 

This is just not acceptable!

[mud]

She doesn't go out and party every night after work, but it does happen, sorry if I mislead you.

[Lil Honey]

I think both Looneytunes and Outcast have good points.

 

IMHO, you should BOTH try to find something to do as a couple. You could explain to her what it is about clubs that you don't like. You could try to go to the club occasionally and she could try to do something you enjoy.

 

However, I'm a BIG believer in parents having responsibilities to their spouses and families. People shouldn't get married and become parents and then decide they don't like the rules. I fully support the idea that you know where she is. You have kids. What would happen if someone was ill and you couldn't contact her? I am a firm believer that one spouse should call another spouse when the plans change or when something out of the ordinary is going to happen. ("Is going to happen." Not, "after it has happened.") I feel that it is an issue of respect to contact the other person and keep them in the loop. Anything else smacks of not giving a d@mn.

 

The two of you sound like complete opposites. Makes me wonder how you ever stayed together and got married.

 

Both of you need to make an effort to do things together and as a family (with the kids). Marriage isn't one big picnic.

[looneytunes]

I agree with Lil'Honey that it may just be that she's reluctant to come home. In one relationship that I had my ex and I argued constantly towards the end. We lived together. I got up about 3 hours early to go to work and stayed at work until I was exhausted because I hated going home.

[slubberdegullion]

slips on Dr Phil mask

 

I agree, getting home late like that without calling, then taking an action that you explicitly said that you'd be unhappy with, are not the signs of a healthy relationship.

 

But these, as they say, are topics. They don't go to the fundamentals of the issue. From what you've written here, it seems that trust issues are a big mismatch here.

 

I would respectfully suggest meeting with a good marriage counsellor, and even read the book, Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw. It comes across as a little pedantic at times, but if you can get past the author's personality, there are some very good exercises and suggestions.

 

Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

So anyway we had this huge fight last night and she decides to move in with her dad for a few days, I told her I feel as if this would make things worse, once again we clash in this area. I like to get everything out on the table and talk it out and she likes to shut down and run away from the problem. She ended up staying but she is claiming to all of her friends I told her she can't come back if she leaves and I never once said that.

This is not running away from problems in the context you mentioned; it's emotional blackmail. If you don't accept her rules she will leave. She is the one who is controlling! She manipulates your feelings for her so she can do whatever she wants.

 

Now I hope this does not sound all one sided, because I do my fair share as well. She thinks I'm too controlling, which I am controlling.

It's okay to be a little controlling/possessive with a wife who likes to go out a lot. IMHO, staying for an hour after work occasionally to have a drink or late dinner with friends is okay. As to going out with guys at night... hmmm... there are certain "rules"such as:

 

1. If one wants to go out and the other one doesn't, the former shouldn't be imprisoned at home by the latter. She likes to dance and spend time in clubs. I think you can either go with her (you don't have to dance) or let her gowith others once in a while (like twice a month or so). She is actually safer with guys than girls, because if she goes out with girls she is open to meeting new guys all the time. Guys can go out and decide to not approach girls, but when girls go out they will certainly be approached by guys.

 

The fact that she is married doesn't mean that she should never go out and dance. She is supposed to do it with you. What bothers you is that this is all happening at night, because if she stayed with friends after work until 6 pm you wouldn't have a problem with it, right?

By the way, do you have any hobbies that you like pursuing with or without her?

 

2. The time with you should be more precious to her than the time she spends with other peopel. If the former suffers because of the latter then she is probably bored with her life. It's difficult to live with people who get bored easily and need constant augmentation of the level of amusement in their lives. There is a reason why she prefers going out with strangers to her husband. By the way, if this clubbing involves drinking alcohol (more than 1-2 drinks) then she might end up in somebody's bed or car without thinking twice - alcohol has done that to so many people who regret it later. So if she goes out with guys and drinks, you have all the right to be upset.

 

3. You can't stop her from cheating by restricting nights out. She has to know that if you find out she's slept with someone else it will be over forever. If she wants to risk your marriage then it's not your fault and you can't influence it. You can cut one branch and another one will grow up. She will find someone on the net to talk to and eventually sleep with him. Or she will meets a customer in the restaurant, have a drink with him then... Going out with guys is not the same as sleeping with them.

 

She swears to me there is no one else and I beleive her to a certain extent but it's really hard to given the circumstances.

If she is an honest and open person then why wouldn't you believe her? You said she wasn't interested in sex that often. Was her sex drive high at the beginning of the relationship? Is she the kind of person that would cheat and lie and not feel guilty about it?

 

 

BTW, her mom and sister are both divorced and remarried so I worry she might see this as an easy way out since the rest of her family has done it.

Nah... it's just an example for her as to how bad divorces are. My parents are divorced and it was a disaster for me to divorce too. On the other hand, my ex-husband's parents were not divorced and he left me too easily when our twins were just 2 years old. In my opinion, only people with a history of divorces in their families are aware of how traumatic they are.

 

You don't fight too often (~6 times a year is not that bad ). You just need to work on a few things like communication, jealousy, and the sexual department. You should talk nicely and agree about certain things, such as "how to argue" from now on. Hopefully none of you is too stubborn.

 

Try to take her out at some romantic place, re-build the romance, do something crazy like sex in public, introduce something new in the bedroom or just spend the evening in bed with candles, chocolate, and a bottle of wine.

 

Women LOVE to see that their men are passionate about them! This is the main rule and best way to make a woman horny for you. Long foreplay is another thing that we love. Just pay a lot of attention to her, look at her in a seductive way, say many compliments about everything (looks, brains, cooking, motherhood, etc.). A woman who knows that her husband loves her and appreciates her will probably never cheat on him. We (both men and women) want our partners to be our best fans. It's best to prevent your wife from cheating by being a great husband then by controlling her.

 

Bring a lot of joy and fun into the relationship. Kiss her, hold her, tickle her, make fun of her (in a cute, non-offensive way), give her little presents, be silly and she will never think of another man.

[Outcast]

1. If one wants to go out and the other one doesn't, the former shouldn't be imprisoned at home by the latter. She likes to dance and spend time in clubs.

 

I don't think this is very good advice. It's not about being 'imprisoned at home'. She's going out after work until all hours - it's not like she's not allowed to have lunch with a girlfriend on a Saturday afternoon.

[mud]

Well, we had a talk this morning before I went in to work. We both put stuff on the table that the other might not have necessarily realized. I'm starting to think a big problem we have is lack of communication. She likes to talk someones ear off and I like to sit in peace and quiet. I would much rather stay at home then go out and party, this is just another place where we clash at.

 

For the most part we have made up as we always do. We still have concerns about each other and I'm sure we will continue to have concerns in the future.

 

Now on to some of the replies:

 

 

The fact that she is married doesn't mean that she should never go out and dance. She is supposed to do it with you. What bothers you is that this is all happening at night, because if she stayed with friends after work until 6 pm you wouldn't have a problem with it, right?

By the way, do you have any hobbies that you like pursuing with or without her?

 

I can't stand to dance, I can't dance and I hate the crowded atmosphere of dancing. There are other things she likes to do that I will try to participate in. I enjoy movies and the outdoors, she doesn't really care for either unless it's a chic flic. The problem is we can never find a babysitter so one of us has to do something without the other.

 

If she is an honest and open person then why wouldn't you believe her? You said she wasn't interested in sex that often. Was her sex drive high at the beginning of the relationship? Is she the kind of person that would cheat and lie and not feel guilty about it?

 

At the beginning of the relationship we were like rabbits. But we just had our 7 year anniversary this month and she claims it was having 3 kids that killed her sex drive. She has been to the doctor for blood work and they could not find anything so now she blames it on her birth control patch. If it is the patch then I will get the snip so we can be done with it but I don't think that is causing it. I just always assumed it was me. I guess it could be hormonal but I would think the doctors would find something.

 

 

You don't fight too often (~6 times a year is not that bad ). You just need to work on a few things like communication, jealousy, and the sexual department. You should talk nicely and agree about certain things, such as "how to argue" from now on. Hopefully none of you is too stubborn.

 

She is very stubborn, yes I knew this before we got married. When I fight starts she blerts yell's and throws things and blerts out stuff that I know she doesn't mean and it really hurts, this has caused me to do the same stuff. Her mom did this to her so I feel this is how she picked it up, I know it's not intentional but it's the only way she has known. She had a pretty screwed up childhood.

 

Try to take her out at some romantic place, re-build the romance, do something crazy like sex in public, introduce something new in the bedroom or just spend the evening in bed with candles, chocolate, and a bottle of wine.

 

Well ahead of you, we are trying to find a babysitter for next weekend and we are going to take a short trip (about an hour away) and just spend a night away from the kids and house, hopefully this will allow us to focus on each other more.

 

Women LOVE to see that their men are passionate about them! This is the main rule and best way to make a woman horny for you. Long foreplay is another thing that we love. Just pay a lot of attention to her, look at her in a seductive way, say many compliments about everything (looks, brains, cooking, motherhood, etc.). A woman who knows that her husband loves her and appreciates her will probably never cheat on him. We (both men and women) want our partners to be our best fans. It's best to prevent your wife from cheating by being a great husband then by controlling her.

 

This is probably my biggest weakness, I know I take her for granted and she tells me all the time that she feels used. I do not think of it this way but that is the way I am, I compliment her body a lot and tell her she's beautiful but she thinks I'm just trying to get her in bed. I think I'm going to try and pick up some extra chores around the house although I still do quite a bit. But maybe she'll see this as a form of expressing it? Or will she see it as I think I can do a better job? I just don't understand women :-P

 

Bring a lot of joy and fun into the relationship. Kiss her, hold her, tickle her, make fun of her (in a cute, non-offensive way), give her little presents, be silly and she will never think of another man.

 

I kiss her and cuddle her but I'm usually so arroused that it leads to sex, and she doesn't like that it always does. When I try to tickle her she gets snappy, although this morning before we "made up" I tickled her and actually got good reactions out of her, that was the first time in a very long time, almost like we were dating again.

[Lil Honey]

I can't stand to dance, I can't dance and I hate the crowded atmosphere of dancing. There are other things she likes to do that I will try to participate in. I enjoy movies and the outdoors, she doesn't really care for either unless it's a chic flic. The problem is we can never find a babysitter so one of us has to do something without the other.

It's good that you will try to participate in things that she enjoys, but she needs to do the same for you. Marriage is give and take. It's about doing things for each other. If you can't find a babysitter, then do activities that you can do with the kids. With a little imagination, you can find a lot of things to do. Also, if you have some friends (or family) with children (and you trust them) then you could watch their kids and another night they could watch your kids.

 

At the beginning of the relationship we were like rabbits. But we just had our 7 year anniversary this month and she claims it was having 3 kids that killed her sex drive. She has been to the doctor for blood work and they could not find anything so now she blames it on her birth control patch. If it is the patch then I will get the snip so we can be done with it but I don't think that is causing it. I just always assumed it was me. I guess it could be hormonal but I would think the doctors would find something.

Welp, that's a common problem after kids. Bloodwork can be inconclusive, since the female endocrine system fluctuates so much from day to day and week to week. Websites that discuss birthcontrol will state that the hormones in birth control pills, patches and shots DO have an affect on desire.

 

She is very stubborn, yes I knew this before we got married. When I fight starts she blerts yell's and throws things and blerts out stuff that I know she doesn't mean and it really hurts, this has caused me to do the same stuff. Her mom did this to her so I feel this is how she picked it up, I know it's not intentional but it's the only way she has known. She had a pretty screwed up childhood.

But now she's an adult woman who can un-learn things that she picked up as a child. There are ways to argue without hurting each other verbally. I'm sure that there are pointers online or in book form. You might want to look into it.

 

This is probably my biggest weakness, I know I take her for granted and she tells me all the time that she feels used.

A common complaint of some women who have been in a relationship for some time . . .

 

I do not think of it this way but that is the way I am, I compliment her body a lot and tell her she's beautiful but she thinks I'm just trying to get her in bed.

I see her point. Compliment her in other ways. She has a mind and a spirit to admire as well as her body.

 

I think I'm going to try and pick up some extra chores around the house although I still do quite a bit. But maybe she'll see this as a form of expressing it? Or will she see it as I think I can do a better job? I just don't understand women :-P

ASK her what she would like you to do. TELL her that you would like to help out more so that you have more time to spend together.

 

I kiss her and cuddle her but I'm usually so arroused that it leads to sex, and she doesn't like that it always does.

Which is why she feels used. I think THIS is where men are confused about women and it's only because we are wired differently.

[RecordProducer]

I think I'm going to try and pick up some extra chores around the house although I still do quite a bit. But maybe she'll see this as a form of expressing it? Or will she see it as I think I can do a better job? I just don't understand women :-P

She will see it as kindness and help unless you expect sex because you helped her.

 

It's not easy to have three small children I assume they are all below age 6 as you've been married for 7 years). Obligations around the kids and house are exhausting and can kill the most romantic couples. You sound like a regular married couple to me, with various problems and obstacles.

 

Your main problem is that you're so differnt when it comes to fun; she needs active entertainment while you need peace and rest. I think you should discuss the trust issues and make some compromise. She will not cheat on you because she is going out. If she will then it will happen because she wanted it. If you knew for sure that she wouldn't sleep with anyone else, would you mind her going out with other guys? If your answer is "yes" then you should resolve it with her. If the answer is "no" then it's all about trust. If you don't trust her when she goes out then you won't trust her when she is at work or anywhere outside the house either.

 

Regarding her sex drive, perhaps you could make her talk to her doctor about it and see if she can get some other BC pill. If I were you, I would try to have sex with her right after she comes back from partying.

 

Does she drink when she goes out?

[mud]

It's not easy to have three small children I assume they are all below age 6 as you've been married for 7 years). Obligations around the kids and house are exhausting and can kill the most romantic couples. You sound like a regular married couple to me, with various problems and obstacles.

 

Yes, the children are 6, 4 and almost 2.

 

If you knew for sure that she wouldn't sleep with anyone else, would you mind her going out with other guys? If your answer is "yes" then you should resolve it with her.

 

The answer is yes, I've thought about it and I think it's more of me not trusting guys as I know how we think.

 

Regarding her sex drive, perhaps you could make her talk to her doctor about it and see if she can get some other BC pill. If I were you, I would try to have sex with her right after she comes back from partying.

 

Does she drink when she goes out?

 

I think part of it was that she always considered herself overweight, yes she had a little pudge but not overweight. She has lost I would guess about 15 lbs and she looks freaking awesome. She is starting to realize this (due to me always telling her how good she looks) and she is starting to open up more and trying to dress sexier.

 

And yes she socially sips with a one drink max as she drives home.