Is this a lost cause?

[mlchris2]

You all know my story.... if you dont read some of my posts.

 

Today, my wife approached me with divorce papers. I lost it at that point and immediately became emotional . I truely believe she is taking the easy way out, is being influenced by her friends, is going to give up everything in her life that is good and ruin the lifes of 4 other people as some sort of payback for what she feels.

 

It is starting to become clear that no matter what I do she's not going to at least try to give it one last chance.

 

Even though I really cant live with out this woman in my life. Even though she makes me complete in everyway. Even though I know I did her wrong and feel that we both have issues that need fixing and it might need to be done by the help of a professional...

 

Do I let her go?

 

How do I deal with this loss? Right now I dont know which way is up and which way is down... I now realize the love I have for this woman. I realize how bad I messed things up and treated her. The moment I saw her I knew I wanted to grow old with her.

 

I'm lost... she wont talk to me at all, so my nearest support group is this and forum.

[whoa]

so painful.

 

I'm sorry for your situation.

 

Act tough, take the papers, file a response. Get in shape, and try to live a happy life without her. Turn into a stud, have a successful career, become known around town for your generosity, charity work. And when she comes crawling back, you will have the choice whether to accept her or to live the rest of your life without her.

 

The toughest part will be showing strength when you feel like you're dying inside. It gets better every day, even if you don't feel that it is. But you MUST suppress the urge to obsess over what she's doing. It can destroy you. Try your best to push her out of your mind. And make yourself a superman. You ARE better than this, but are currently a little blinded by what you thought you had and feel you have nothing else. I can't convince you, but will still tell you this: You have lots else. Discover it.

[Devildog]

You all know my story.... if you dont read some of my posts.

 

I advise you to do the same, read or re-read my thread. My XW never stopped to think about the other lives that were affected by her selfish decision. She too made an impetuous decision with no thought of the consequences she had on other lives. She too refused to even try to work things out. She will be the first to tell you she wasn't the problem in the marriage too. Of course anyone that knew us will probably tell you she is the only one who will tell you she wasn't the main part of the problem.

 

One of the most important things I learned from my ordeal is this: no matter how much you try, no matter how much you want to, you just can not save someone that doesn't want to be saved. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. It seems your wife falls into this category.

 

Even though I really cant live with out this woman in my life. Even though she makes me complete in everyway.

 

Really? Was she there waiting for you when you were born? I am guessing you lived close to 2 decades without her, correct? I can assure you, I felt the same as you did. But after you have some distance, get clear of the fog and the toxins of the relationship, you will realize that not only can you live, you might even find that you are happier.

 

I know it hurts and is impossible to think about it right now, but you will live again, laugh again, love again. Just look at it as a Phoenix experience, you will rise from the ashes of this relationship and be reborn.

 

But you do have my sympathy for having to endure this.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think that it's perfectly within your rights to do what you can to delay this experience, IF you want to and if you think she may change her mind.

 

DD is right, it's a hellava lot easier to bail than to work on the marriage. Been there done that- not proud of it.

 

Don't talk yourself into thinking she's doing this for revenge. If she wouldn't have started being unfaithful then she wouldn't have started this. This is about what she is getting from what she's doing. She's getting some type of gratification she wasn't getting in the marriage, which is fueling her at this point. It's seriously the most selfish thing you can do- and she's being totally selfish right now, you can believe that. She hasn't fully considered the consequences of what this means.

 

I thought I was fully prepared for my divorce. Boy, was I wrong! I wasn't prepared for the aftermath- for instance, someone else having contact with my children on my exhusbands end (girlfriend) or my children having a relationship with that person. Or how much I would miss those kids. Or how much I would hate what I did to everyone in my life who I let down.

 

Have you exposed her infidelity to your friends and family?? Perhaps it's time for you to do this so that she feels the weight of her decision. Feels the HEAT so to speak.

[Trimmer]

It is starting to become clear that no matter what I do she's not going to at least try to give it one last chance.

 

Even though I really cant live with out this woman in my life. Even though she makes me complete in everyway.

 

Do I let her go?

 

Your situation is very similar to mine. I looked for any sign that there was the slightest chance, and ultimately I realized that whatever small concessions she was making (e.g. originally saying that she thought she wanted to see a counselor) were to dull the sharp edges of the situation to make it easier for her, and to get me off her back. Is that what's happening with you? Haven't you said that she's offered to do minor things, but only to placate you? Has she given any sign of a true willingness to move forward?

 

Like you, for me, my wife was the one. The one who complemented and completed me. The one I'd grow old with, the one who would be there when I die, or I would for her.

 

I struggled for a long time trying to decide whether I owed it to "us" not to give up - to have faith and to "be there" for her if she changed her mind. I'm sure in a movie it would have worked out in fine tear-jerking fashion by the last reel, but in real life, everyone writes their own script, and while I sure don't know what's in her script from here out, I now believe that I am not.

 

Letting go was one of the hardest parts for me, maybe because it was the time when I had to stop saying "this is something bad happening to me' and instead, take control and do something decisive. And the thing I had to do - to let go, to detach emotionally, to accept the demise of our marriage - was the one thing I feared the most, but at the same time, it was the thing I most needed to do to take control of myself and my own life again.

 

It won't be easy but I will tell you, from the depths you are in now, from where you will go, there is an "up"; it does get better. Some days, hours, moments are the lowest lows, and you won't believe there's hope, but the highs do come, and as time goes on, there are more of them, they last longer and they feel better. People describe it as a rollercoaster, and it is. It's up and down and you can't predict it and it tears at your stomach and makes you want to barf, but squint and grunt and hold on to that lap bar, because you're going to go back up at some point.

 

I'll be honest: I think the point where I finally let go was the lowest I got. Up to then, even in the face of horrible evidence, I still held onto some lingering hope of "us", and after that point, I gradually started imagining my life as "me", but right at the point of letting go, of accepting the end of this part of my life, it was pretty nasty. But like I said, that is also the point when I took control, and things stopped happening to me, and this was good.

 

Maybe things will turn around for you. But if not, you can be complete without her. You should be complete without her. You will be complete without her. This doesn't mean getting nasty and going sour grapes and convincing yourself that it all sucked, though.

 

Some days you will wake up hurting, and other days you will wake up and just wonder at how the sun can be so beautiful and the air so crisp in the morning.

 

Just let it all happen - don't deny that you loved her, don't deny the grief, don't deny the anger (but don't act it out on anyone...). But then also take the reins, work on yourself, and start actively imagining a life that you have sole control over. I always quote the movie "City Slickers" where the one character has messed up his marriage and is spiraling down, and his friends eventually convince him that this can be a fresh start with an old schoolyard phrase - "You get do-overs..."

[Sundax]

I really cant live with out this woman in my life.

 

It may feel that way now but with time you WILL be fine. Get involved with people. Family, friends, join a church or social group or whatever you're interested in.

 

If you can, get a good therapist right now. Many health insurances cover all or part of it.

 

Good luck to you.

[scobro]

Even though she makes me complete in everyway.

 

come on....only Tom Cruise(Jerry M)can get away with that line;) .She completes you because it's all you have ever know for the last how ever many years gone by.I don't think she was completing you when she hit you with the divorce.You will get by this, you are just making your wife out to shine brighter than she really does because you are hurting right now.Go with the flow let the dust settle and in the meantime plan what is best for you not your wife.You should be the only one who completes you in every way, nobody else should be burdened with that responsibility.