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Struggling to understand person's motives (leaves chats unopened but likes my posts, etc) - how best to deal with this?

UpgradeU_

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UpgradeU_ Member

UpgradeU_

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Around a year ago, myself and a girl (we're both girls) began dating after meeting on IG. She was the initiator, and I was surprised when she asked me out, I didn't even know she was gay/into women. Anyway, we then started dating. 

Around three/four months into this, she suddenly told me she wasn't over some ex and that she wasn't in the best place mentally to continue dating. This wasn't nice to hear, but I accepted it and just got on with things. We unfollowed each other, and didn't speak until recently (Aug 2022) when I reached out to her to see how she was. We had a brief small-talk type conversation, then followed each other back and from then didn't really speak. 

Recently (around Dec 22) she began messaging me again, and replying to my stories, etc. I didn't initially think there was anything to it, and just assumed she was being friendly. But she was literally replying to/liking most of the things I posted, and I thought that could possibly be her way of expressing interest because that's how she did it the first time. Anyway. We then chatted a few times, and there was a slight flirty/teasy tone to our messages, again, I recognised it from how we would talk before. But at the same time, I tried not to assume, because I am aware that I could just be hoping this is the case. 

She sends me memes and posts on IG quite often, but the problem (for me) is that she doesn't acknowledge my replies to these things, and often leaves the chat unopened for days. While the chat is unopened, she will actively like things I post, and this, I guess, confuses me? If I'm not responding to someone, I don't like all their posts...

I think I am struggling with a few things because of this situation. First, I don't quite understand the dynamic. I would ideally like connection, be it platonic OR romantic, with her. But, because of her communication style and habits, it feels impossible - she will often not read the messages and just send me things without responding to the block of messages/posts that I'VE sent in response. 

Secondly, I don't know how to set any kind of boundary in this area without appearing too sensitive or firm. It seems a lighthearted dynamic, and I don't want to be the one to introduce seriousness into it, or awkwardness. I was thinking of jokingly sending a meme that highlighted delayed responses, as the more this goes on, the more it seems to her that I'm OK with it. 

I also, thirdly, feel as if she's keeping me at some kind of intentional distance. I'm quite sure this isn't how she communicates with everyone in her life, she has other friends and family, and I also know this isn't just how she is, she's very articulate and talkative. She just doesn't seem to want to talk to me - just seems to want this sparse meme/post/short message contact with me. I felt as if she might be interested because she recently split up with someone (has been posting a lot of things relating to a break up) and perhaps she is interested but can't take things further, other than that I can't think of a reason for this odd way of communicating. 

And lastly - I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how best to deal with this, feelings wise. I am at a time in my life where I would like friends and connections, and it's a bit difficult for me right now with loneliness etc - I suppose it's making me feel a bit rejected and perhaps at times even more lonely. I don't think cutting her off is an option right now, as that would just make me feel even more isolated and again, I'm not in the best place, in life. 

Thank you for reading :)

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

she suddenly told me she wasn't over some ex and that she wasn't in the best place mentally to continue dating.

 

2 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

I felt as if she might be interested because she recently split up with someone (has been posting a lot of things relating to a break up)

Do you see the pattern here OP?

She only shows up after splitting with someone.

You are her rebound and distraction.

She is using you.

Unfollow, block and no longer have any contact with her.

Don't waste your time with her.

Edited by JTSW
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UpgradeU_ Member

UpgradeU_

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4 hours ago, JTSW said:

 

Do you see the pattern here OP?

She only shows up after splitting with someone.

You are her rebound and distraction.

She is using you.

Unfollow, block and no longer have any contact with her.

Don't waste your time with her.

I honestly didn’t consider this, and it feels quite obvious now that it’s been pointed out. But, it makes sense. And would explain the communication, I guess. 

glows Established Member

glows

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We don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling, OP. Try not to assume anything that’s going on with her life.

She may be in a very happy relationship, not looking to date, using IG to let off steam and like a bunch of posts before going back to regular life. It may be any reason why she’s not interested in responding to your messages. The point here is that she is not interested.

Don’t send any other messages to her as it’s unwanted and not reciprocal. Try making friends elsewhere and don’t read into this. Work on yourself and figuring out what you need to feel good. Stay off social media if it’s consuming you or taking up too much time.
 

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UpgradeU_ Member

UpgradeU_

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7 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t send any other messages to her as it’s unwanted and not reciprocal.

Is it unwanted if she keeps initiating contact with me, though? While I agree with everything you’ve said, I don’t see how it’s “unwanted” or wrong to reply, after all she is contacting me. If she doesn’t want me to respond, she shouldn’t contact me, that’s the rule of any any basic communication. When I don’t message her or reply, she ups the frequency - it makes no sense, to me. 

But yeah, guess she just isn’t interested, and I’m trying to focus on my life but yeah. No, I agree.

 

Edited by UpgradeU_
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

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15 minutes ago, UpgradeU_ said:

Is it unwanted if she keeps initiating contact with me, though? While I agree with everything you’ve said, I don’t see how it’s “unwanted” or wrong to reply, after all she is contacting me. If she doesn’t want me to respond, she shouldn’t contact me, that’s the rule of any any basic communication. When I don’t message her or reply, she ups the frequency - it makes no sense, to me. 

But yeah, guess she just isn’t interested, and I’m trying to focus on my life but yeah. No, I agree.

 

This is the equivalent of a guy you were dating looking fir a booty call

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glows Established Member

glows

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She’s sending you memes. This is usually a photo with some quip attempting to be witty. Usually contains a pop culture reference. It’s not a lot of messaging going on here. Someone sending a meme does not imply write a real message back and ask how they’re doing.

I understand you’re hurt and confused. She’s not interested. There are sadly also a lot of people who send silly things around and it’s meaningless. I’d interpret messages like that are intended to lighten someone’s mood and not intended to reconnect nor does it show any interest as in this case. 

Now that you know she’s just toying around and not interested in truly keeping in touch, it’s up to you to block her. Free your mind and space in your life to find new friends. Join local hobby groups and take up new interests. Stay off social media if it gets annoying after awhile. We all need some interaction at some point - humans are social beings. You’re not expected to live isolated and lonely. The trick is finding viable means to meet people meaningfully and feel supported and inspired.

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UpgradeU_ Member

UpgradeU_

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5 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s sending you memes. This is usually a photo with some quip attempting to be witty. Usually contains a pop culture reference. It’s not a lot of messaging going on here. Someone sending a meme does not imply write a real message back and ask how they’re doing.

Oh no, I know about memes etc. I send them myself. I don't reply back with "how are you?" etc, but usually just a comment or even a meme back - which is then completely ignored, not even reacted to in any way, while she sends more or likes selfies that I've posted. I also do think that there is a difference between someone you know doing this, and someone you used to date, doing this. If any ex or person I've been involved with started liking everything I posted, I'd assume they were interested again. I wouldn't assume that with a platonic friend. I also know that in that age group - Gen Z -  it's quite common expressing interest by liking stories, sending memes, replying to things you post - is a way of expressing interest, be it an indirect one.

One only has to search "liking my stories" on social media or Google to see how many people think this way. I notice it's not that common in older people, say 27+ plus. Anyway. I don't disagree with your overall message and advice, but I do just feel like it's a bit more nuanced. Plus, this is how she began contact with me the first time, so I don't think it's really out of the realm of ordinary to think she might have been interested again. But I do see now, with the lack of reciprocation, that it's not a sign of interest. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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9 minutes ago, UpgradeU_ said:

 I do see now, with the lack of reciprocation, that it's not a sign of interest. 

Yes, that's the important thing. If she's just an acquaintance then step back. She seems to be looking for fans and not much else.

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glows Established Member

glows

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14 minutes ago, UpgradeU_ said:

Oh no, I know about memes etc. I send them myself. I don't reply back with "how are you?" etc, but usually just a comment or even a meme back - which is then completely ignored, not even reacted to in any way, while she sends more or likes selfies that I've posted. I also do think that there is a difference between someone you know doing this, and someone you used to date, doing this. If any ex or person I've been involved with started liking everything I posted, I'd assume they were interested again. I wouldn't assume that with a platonic friend. I also know that in that age group - Gen Z -  it's quite common expressing interest by liking stories, sending memes, replying to things you post - is a way of expressing interest, be it an indirect one.

One only has to search "liking my stories" on social media or Google to see how many people think this way. I notice it's not that common in older people, say 27+ plus. Anyway. I don't disagree with your overall message and advice, but I do just feel like it's a bit more nuanced. Plus, this is how she began contact with me the first time, so I don't think it's really out of the realm of ordinary to think she might have been interested again. But I do see now, with the lack of reciprocation, that it's not a sign of interest. 

It sounds reasonable that you might have expected her to be interested but it turns out she’s not. We don’t know why sadly. 

It’s ok to let this go. Block her if it’s not any meaningful friendship to you.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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You are reading way too much into this. You can ignore it, or just block delete. 

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UpgradeU_ Member

UpgradeU_

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5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are reading way too much into this. You can ignore it, or just block delete. 

Everyone’s different. Some might take things like this in their stride and ignore, some might be a little bit more analytical and overthink. We’re all different. 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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2 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

Everyone’s different. Some might take things like this in their stride and ignore, some might be a little bit more analytical and overthink. We’re all different. 

I'm just giving you some advice...obviously over thinking is a habit. You may find some relief by ignoring/distracting yourself from those nagging thoughts. 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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She's not interested in any type of meaningful, real connection with you.  This stuff she's posting is thoughtless.  It's crumbs.  You dated her and she was the one who broke up with you in the first place.  If you and her were compatible, the relationship wouldn't have ended the way it did.

11 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

I don't think cutting her off is an option right now, as that would just make me feel even more isolated and again, I'm not in the best place, in life. 

Cutting her off is "not an option"?  Give yourself more credit, and more respect than that.  Yes cutting this off is an option because it's a ridiculous waste of your time and only toying with your emotions.  This is going nowhere.  You don't need to let her keep playing games with you and keep throwing you meaningless crumbs.  You can decide that this is not working for you and just block her.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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So the real issue--based on your post and then your responses to others--is that you are isolated and lonely. That's the issue, and that's not a shameful problem to have. Most single people struggle with that one at some point or the other. 

So how about you address that issue? And then you'd be in position to deal with your ex.  Getting more connected with people will help you a lot. And btw: having a lover does not in itself solve the loneliness problem.

First, I don't quite understand the dynamic.

Who cares what the dynamic is. All you care is getting what YOU WANT out of the relationship. 

Secondly, I don't know how to set any kind of boundary in this area without appearing too sensitive or firm. Because when you set a boundary, you don't want to care about how you appear. Of course, we all care about how the boundary will land. Of course we do but that should be 10 percent of the concern. 

This is worthy of therapy because not only is your attention misplaced on the reaction to the boundary (90 percent of your attention should be setting the boundary, 10 percent on the reaction). But you're also worried about being too sensitive or being too firm. That's what a boundary is: about being firm on a matter, or on a behavior that we have not been firm about! That's a boundary!                      

I also, thirdly, feel as if she's keeping me at some kind of intentional distance. Of course, she's keeping you at a distance. Of course. And distance is almost always intentional. 

 

 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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14 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

I would ideally like connection, be it platonic OR romantic, with her. But, because of her communication style and habits, it feels impossible

That's because it is. She isn't trying to build that sort of connection with you. 

As there is no meaningful communication coming from her, I would do as the others have already advised and block her. She adds no value to your life. 

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