Emotional Needs

[Mz. Pixie]

For Jen, and because Lady Jane asked for a topic!

 

What are your most important emotional needs??

 

What are your partners most important emotional needs??

 

What do you know about emotional needs and their importance now that you've experienced infidelity (whether you are the one who cheated or were cheated on)??

[jen78nc]

Good question, hope to hear lots of answers, thanks!

[RecordProducer]

What are your most important emotional needs??

1. To receive a lot of affection and attention;

2. To have my best fan in my partner;

3. To spend quality time with him;

4. To know that I am loved and desired;

5. To know that he wants to be with me forever.

 

I don't want to be a piece of furniture. I don't want him to admire other women instead of me. I don't want him to think of me low. I don't want him to prefer doing something else rather than be with me. Kisses, hugs, tender looks, long conversations, compliments and all the things that are being done at the beginning of the relationship are important to me further down the road too. I love to have a lot of fun together with my partner, go out, meet with friends, travel... just do stuff together.

What are your partners most important emotional needs??

Good question! I think he wants love, admiration, and respect. He wants me to trust him, be honest, and always friendly (even when we argue). He has this fear of me being disappointed in him every time I complain about something. And I am actually never disapponted in his personality, I just think we both have imperfections that cause arguments so I guess I should be careful not to hurt him when I am bothered by something.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good post RP!

[Ladyjane14]

This is a cool topic. We talk about ENs alot, but I don't know if we spend enough time defining them. And I've noticed that alot of people have a REALLY HARD TIME carrying through on fulfilling ENs for their partners. Maybe that's because by the time the relationship qualifies for a discussion of that sort here at LS....there's quite a bit of 'water under the bridge'.

 

I had a very difficult time with this during my own marriage crisis. But once I figured out that there's this HUGE gap between wants and needs, I found it less difficult to manage.

 

My needs are pretty basic:

 

1. Fidelity. I need my husband to be faithful to me. I need to know that he's not going to expose me to a life-threatening disease with the potential to orphan our children. I need to know that he's not going to pull the rug out from beneath my entire life, and that of our children, just to satisfy the urge for 'something strange'.

 

2. Fiscal Responsibility. He's ALREADY pretty good at this so I don't have to spend much time worrying about it. But it is, nevertheless, among my needs. I need to know that he's not going to make any big financial decisions without my input. I can't stand the anxiety of worrying about our bills....and to his credit:love:, no matter how lean times have sometimes been in the past, he's ALWAYS done a good job of keeping us solvent.

 

3. Safety. Because I suffer from some mild anxiety, I NEED the reassurance that he's exercising caution at all times. I need him to be safe, and to be vigilent in watching the children when they are in his care. He triggers this one CONSTANTLY! He thinks I'm paranoid.....and I am! But the operative word in the descriptive phrase "irrational fears" is IRRATIONAL!!!

 

It doesn't have to make sense to him....it means something to me. And because it does, I need him to just give me what I need and 'shut-the-hell-up' about it. Just throw me a bone here and shelve it under the heading of quirkiness...that's all I ask.

 

4. Words of Affirmation....my love language. I need to hear him say, "Baby, You're the Greatest". It's important to me that he thinks I'm the BEST....and I need to hear him say it in ways that are specific.

 

And that about covers it. Everything else is a matter of "wants".

 

There's even some wiggle-room in my ENs, if he cares to negotiate a bit. I can be flexible to a degree.

 

For example, he can teach the kids to set off firecrackers....IF he's closely supervising, and IF I'm not required to actually watch. (It's important not to hover like a mother-hen, I know that.) So long as he's willing to reassure me that he's taking precautions, and maybe even offer me a bit of comfort that "it'll be okay"....I'll be alright with it.

 

If he's an a*hole about it, and treats my discomfort like it's no big deal, then proceeds to hand the kid a brick of firecrackers and a cigarette lighter.....we're gonna fight!

 

That's NOT rocket science after 20 some-odd years, but go figure....stuff like that still crops up.

 

You'd think that after being together for over TWO frigging DECADES, he'd understand all that, but.....Nope, he still wants to argue with me about it.

 

And he's got a good point too. By the time I was 10, I could take mistletoe out of the treetops with a .22 rifle, and here I am bitching about a few little firecrackers. (This is where I trump him with the "irrational fears are, by definition,.....IRRATIONAL" arguement! )

 

But seriously, by this time....I'm pissed off and not very likely to attend to any of his ENs, because he didn't respect mine. That's where the problems come in. Because communications tend to fail here, unless the groundwork is REALLY strong.

 

I think that one of the reasons that a discussion of ENs is so valuable, is that it shares territory with setting boundaries. How do you set boundaries, and let your partner know when he's over-stepped them...and not withhold ENs?

 

I do believe that some of our ENs really qualify as boundaries. As a woman, if you've ever noticed your man walking through a parking lot with your 3-year old toddling along BEHIND him....(read out of his direct visual proximity)....he has crossed a HUGE boundary! And in my particular case, he's also tripped an important EN. So, it's not only careless...it's personal, because he knows me better than that. He knows what my reaction is going to be.

 

Perhaps the key here truly is in the communications. If your partner oversteps your boundaries, or tramples on your ENs, you're most likely to forgive him....when he acknowledges it. When he apologizes and expresses a real understanding of your POV.

 

But what do you do when your partner is stubborn and won't bother to acknowledge you? What do you do when he BOLDLY looks you in the eye, understates the problem, and accuses you of "freaking out" again. Worse, what do you do when his attitude is consistantly disrespectful of your ENs?

 

I hate to think that the ONLY possible answer to that particular conundrum is the ultimatum. But personally, I'm at a loss as to what an alternative answer could be....when every avenue has been exhausted.

 

If your goal is to reach understanding of one another, and to reconcile the emotional divide, then "the ultimatum" is in direct conflict with your intended goal. How do we resolve that?

[jen78nc]

Hi all. Well, this is a good topic. That was a great post ladyjane, as always! Since my husband isnt exactly telling me what his ENs are, I think it might be helpful to hear from some of the guys on this board about what their EN's are and if they are being met or not.. Thanks everyone!

[Trimmer]

Jen -

 

I want to think about this some, but I'm strung out today. I had emotionally draining experiences with the 3 women currently in my life - my stbxw, my daughter, and my counselor. (No hostility or agony - these were for the most part sad but poignant, and in the case of my daughter, sweet and poignant.) And for all the agonizing I do over having failed to meet my stbx's EN's, I haven't really given much thought to what mine are. I'll think on it and get back to you.

[Yikes]

Okay Jen, I can't speak for all guys, but here's my list.

 

1. First and foremost, honesty and fidelity.

 

2. This is a big one for me, women often tend drop hints. Sometimes we guys get it and sometimes we don't. On the occasions when we are as dumb as a stump (sorry it's in our DNA), just spell it out! Throw us a bone for crying out loud! :p

 

Sometimes we are preoccupied with mortgage payments, car repairs and trying to find the money for the kids braces.

 

3. We also need to feel loved and needed.

 

4. Patience. Generally speaking, guys are hard wired to be providers and as such sometimes the "touchy feely" things get pushed aside. It's not that we don't care, we are trying to look after what we see as the big things and we may forget that often the little things can be big things too.

 

5. Initiate sex every now and again and don't be afraid to let me know what you like and what you don't like.

 

6. Talk to me with respect. If I had a nickel for every time that I said to my ex, "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it". I HATE being treated as though I am a pimple on someone's a$$. Treat me with the same respect that you expect from me.

 

7. If you are unhappy about something TELL ME. If you don't let me know, then I can't fix it can I?

 

8. PLEASE... Don't ask me "Does this dress make my butt look big?"

 

I am sure that everything I mentioned here would likely be on the ladies' list as well as I think we want and expect many of the same things.

 

Yikes!

[Mz. Pixie]

Mine are-

 

1. Honesty and Fidelity

2. Affection

3. Acts of Service

4. Fiscal Responsibility

 

I believe my husband are from what he's said

 

1. Honesty and Fidelity

2. Acts of Service

3. Affection

4. Attractive Spouse

 

Both of us would put sex about 5 or 6.

 

I can tell you from his perspective that he wants to feel admired and appreciated. He wants me to initate sex as much as he does. He is really big on acts of service. For instance, if he calls me and asks me to pick up something on the way home from work- he likes for me to say sure honey and not be put out by the request.

 

He wants to be with someone on the same page financially as he is and we are for the most part. He also really loves it when I greet him at the door when he comes home- this is a big one for him. He said his exwife never even rolled over when he used to come home from his night job and he loved it when I started meeting him at the door with a kiss.

[slubberdegullion]

A man's emotional needs... hmmm... well, I'll take a stab at it. In no particular order:

• Acceptance;
  
• Respect;
  
• Support;
  
• Rational;
  
• Fidelity;
  
• Takes sexual initiative;
  
• Clarity;
  
• Punctuality;
  
• Fiscal responsibility (thanks, Mz. Pixie, for this);
  
• Sexual compatibility;
  
• Open;
  
• Good communicator;
  
• Doesn't turn the house into a frenzy or b!tch me out unjustly during her period.

[Yikes]

Okay Mz. Pixie, knowing what you now about my situation you had to asking yourself... "How did that bonehead miss FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY!!"

 

What can I say, it was late, I was tired.

 

Your list and slubberdegullion's lists are excellent. I think that in this day and age if you can check off most of your list, you're doing great!

 

When you think about it, it's all pretty much just common sense isn't it.

 

Yikes!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

1. To receive a lot of affection and attention;

2. To have my best fan in my partner;

3. To spend quality time with him;

4. To know that I am loved and desired;

5. To know that he wants to be with me forever.

 

 

i did all of that to the extreme and I still lost, what more could I have done?

 

never cheated on her, never even thought of anything like that because I was so into her, helped her anyway i possibly could, we said at the start we'd look after each other, i did my bit, she was good to me too, wtf?

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay Mz. Pixie, knowing what you now about my situation you had to asking yourself... "How did that bonehead miss FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY!!"

 

What can I say, it was late, I was tired.

 

Your list and slubberdegullion's lists are excellent. I think that in this day and age if you can check off most of your list, you're doing great!

 

When you think about it, it's all pretty much just common sense isn't it.

 

Yikes!

 

 

Hon, you wanted fiscal responsibility- you just didn't have it with the ex!

Of course, though, you were younger when you married and didn't know that you'd be the financial gatekeeper for the rest of your marriage.

 

I'm telling you if I could be young again and know what I know now, I'd be dangerous!!!!!!!!!

[RecordProducer]

i did all of that to the extreme and I still lost, what more could I have done?

Perhaps the one and only "emotional need" your ex had was fiscal responsibility?

I don't know why you put this in emotional needs. But don't explain why... I can guess the answers already.

 

I asked my BF about his ENs and he answered: respect, honesty, loyalty, love, and fun. I also know he needs good communication with his partner.

[Learning Man]

I've learned through the years that I have the more standard emotional needs than my wife. Sometimes (often - lol) that's hard to accept. She, like many women in my personal experience, are extreme multitaskers. We both work full time, have 2 young beautiful children, a home to keep up - the whole 9 yards, etc. With so much on our plates the inherant multitasker within her always pushes affection and intamacy way down on the list (by her own admission). Why? Because she gets caught up with the never ending list of the 'things' that must be done be it work, kids, the home - whatever. Now before you start making assumptions you should know that I do more than my share to ease the burden: cleaning house, taking care of the kids, work, etc and she knows this. It's just strange how we process things differently. To her I can always be put off until later whereas with me I become increasingly upset if I am unable to hold her, tell her how much she means to me, hear how much I mean to her (all that silly mushy stuff ya know?) and so on. Yes I have told her all of this. She's just different in what her EN are I guess. She tells me that I do meet her EN by helping and supporting and loving her the way I do but I usually have to start an arguement in order for her to realize that she is not meeting my EN. She will then be more affectionate for a few days then goes back to 'life as normal'. When I go to hold, kiss or give her a hug she tenses up. She says it's because she has so much on her mind - ugh. So sometimes I wait for her to come to me. I've learned that I have to suffer for my EN most of the time while supporting her EN all the time (aren't I a whiney fellow?) I just get so angry when I wait 4-6 weeks for her to approach me for just a hug and it never happens. She seems content with us getting the house in order, bathing the kids, finishing that report for work and just seems like a robot emotionally to me. We get along so well it just seems that so much of the time we are great friends and nothing more.

 

Sorry but I guess I needed to vent.

 

So, to sum up. Her EN: Financial support, good father, friend, attentive, strong, honest, faithful.

My EN: Same as above but Intamacy, Love, affection (not just sexual), Sharing would be at the top of my list.