My nannas died!

[quankanne]

it's a two-sided thing, I've found: part of dealing with death is the knowing that physically and realistically, you're never going to see or hear or touch that person again. But the bigger (and better) part is when you come to realize that death cannot truly keep you apart from the one you love. Physically, maybe, but you've got that person's spirit and memory with you always, and that is a consolation when you most need it.

 

are you being selfish? no, it's very, very human to want someone back after you lose them, I don't imagine that feeling will ever stop. I've found that I'm looking for my mom and for an older brother who died years ago in every grandchild and great-grandbaby that joins our family ... kind of dumb, but still reassuring because you know that a part of them lives on through family. And that's a great comfort to me.

 

I hope you do decide to go to see her that last time and say goodbye. That's closure for you in some way…

 

I missed my mom's rosary because we rolled into town about half an hour after it finished, and because my dad didn't schedule another day of visitation, the only chance I got to view her body was the morning of the funeral. I dunno … I've never been bothered by that kind of stuff before, but there came a point where I just could not psychologically handle looking at a body in a casket, and I had to force myself to see my mom one last time. And I'm glad I did, because she looked so much like the Mama I knew and not the one I saw dying just days before in the nursing home. Knowing that someone cared enough to prepare the body with such love made me feel good, because it made something hard to do actually kind of painless in a way, and it helped with the closure of not having her physically here anymore.

 

if you are able, go to the visitation before your nana's burial. You won't regret it.

[Toni_no12002]

Its too late now to go and see her. because its her funeral tommorow.In a way i think i should of come but it might have put me back a step.Im not sure which was the right thing to do but i have photos of her and if i want to see her i can look at them i suppose

[lilmoma1973]

Sorry to hear i hope you don't regret it but you have pictures to remember her by!!

[quankanne]

but i have photos of her and if i want to see her i can look at them i suppose

 

excellent idea, because it'll bring you joy.

 

there's a mexican tradition of creating altarcitos in homes, where an area of the house is set aside for a little altar with a crucifix, maybe a Bible or rosary or candles, and pictures of loved ones who have passed on. It's a kind of a place of devotion where families can spend time praying for or thinking of those who have gone. Maybe you can set aside a special spot for pictures of your nana and grandpa, to enjoy memories of them there.

[Toni_no12002]

thanks i have got some pictures of them with some flowers that i got her when she was ill and i put them next to there picture.The funerals today there will probably be loads of tears from everyone but then hopefully i will let go.I miss her and my grandad terriblely but i suppose i cant keep thinking about things i should and shouldnt have done.I have a little boy to look after he lovely and my nanna loved him if my grandad could of seen him he would of loved him to.I need to be thinking of him i think thats what my nanna and grandad would have wanted.Theres abit of them both in me and my mum and sister and brother and in kyle.So maybe she has just left me in body but shes still in our hearts and in our minds.

 

Thanks

[quankanne]

sounds like you're starting to make peace with this loss. Just remember, death does not tear love apart, that even though that person might not be there, the love always remains.

 

hugs,

quank

[Toni_no12002]

Hi i went to the funeral yesterday and i know everyone is going to think this is petty but it means alot to me.My nanna had two children my mum and my uncle.My mum has 3 children me my sister and my bro and my uncle john has two girls and a boy.Me my mum and my sister and brother always went round to see my nanna and grandad and the only time my cousins went was at christmas.My uncle john and his wife and kids sat at the front they just left us out like they was more important.My cousins hardly knew my nanna at all!Fair enough my uncle should of been at the front but i think my mum should have also.She felt really crap afterwards aswell.

 

My uncle is a buisiness sort of person he does all the finacial stuff where as my mum was going to the hospital every day to comfort her!Also my nanna and grandad had quite abit of money and quite a fews things like collectable stamps and coins.The money and the coins are safe and are going to be shared between my mum and uncle when the wills sorted out.But im really mad that they just went in the house and took anything thats worth money like the stamps.He has no right to.Its up to my nanna and grandad what happened to them!what if they wanted them to get sold and the money go to charity!Im sorry im going on but it really winds me up.My uncle is getting the house done up to be sold and we have to go today to get some little ornaments.I dont know how my mum will take it looking at all there stuff and there are photos etc.The funeral was only yesterday!I really dont like my uncle very much.He hasnt cried or anything he just after money and that winds me up!Not that he short of money either.He acts so caring infront of others.

 

At the wake he kept making little remarks to my mum who was obviously upset already.She paid £75 for the food and to her thats alot of money considering she hasnt got it really in the first place.He didnt even help her out.Then he had the cheek when we was there to say to my mum "youd better eat some of the food seen as you paid for it" and then he walked off laughing with all the guests making out he was so caring!!!

 

grrrrrrr im mad sorry.

Do you think im being pathetic?

Im just upset that he doesnt even seem to care.My mums upset but trying not to show it.My uncle just wants to get all the money sorted!Im scared my mum will break down any second because she hasnt got her mum or her dad now.She hasnt got a husband to cry to or hug her.I told her that we where there but she said its not the same as cuddling a boyfriend etc.

anyway what do you think?

 

sorry for going on.I think i need to calm down abit

[quankanne]

Do you think im being pathetic?

 

no, because funerals and deaths unfortunately bring out the worst in some people. Oftentimes, the people who didn't give a rat's ass about visiting or keeping in touch with the person who died will justify making off with Granny's silverware, Dad's gun collection, etc, because they feel they deserve them. They don't care if those things are earmarked in a will for another person!

 

best thing you can do is to just wash your hands of his behavior, because he's a jackass ~ YOUR family did their best to be with Nanna, and when all is said and done, that's all that matters, not material things that have no value when you really think about it.

 

I am sorry that your mom feels like such an orphan, without even her brother to provide comfort, but you're a good person for trying to bet there for her, and I'm sure that she more than appreciates that.

 

hee hee ... when it comes time for the reading of the will, you ought to inform the solicitor beforehand that Uncle has already taken the stamp collection/whatever else he walk away with. That way if someone else has inherited these things, the lawyer knows just who to corner to get it back!

[Toni_no12002]

Yea ill probably tell my mum to.The thing is im unsure if they are in the will exactly i think it just says stuff like share everything equally between my mum and john.My uncle says hes taking everything of value to get it valued then hes got to go to the court and tell them.How does anyone know he hasnt kept things for himself.

[lindya]

Yea ill probably tell my mum to.The thing is im unsure if they are in the will exactly i think it just says stuff like share everything equally between my mum and john.My uncle says hes taking everything of value to get it valued then hes got to go to the court and tell them.How does anyone know he hasnt kept things for himself.

 

 

Oh dear

 

Your uncle may have been named as one of the executors in the will. Your nan's solicitor would probably be the other executor. The job of the executors is to administer the estate - which includes valuing and, if necessary, realising assets. If your uncle is an executor, then it would be quite in order for him to get certain items valued. In fact, the quicker this is done, the faster the solicitor can do all the necessary paperwork for the Inland Revenue, and get the estate distributed.

 

The executor doesn't have inheritance rights over and above other beneficiaries - so if your uncle is a beneficiary this doesn't mean he's being treated as more important than your mum. If he's a businessman, your nan's solicitor probably advised her that he would be the sensible choice as executor. It's doubtful that your nan's solicitor would have an inventory of all her belongings, which obviously increases the risk of some items being removed before they can be included as part of the estate. Perhaps it's an idea for your mum to make out a list of things she remembers your nan owning, and fax this to your nan's solicitor.

 

Regarding funeral costs (including the cost of food at the wake) this should be recoverable from the estate. What that means is that your nan's solicitor would arrange for your mum to be compensated for her expenses before your nan's estate gets divided up and shared between the beneficiaries. Your mum should contact your nan's solicitor about this. Misunderstandings about who is entitled to what, and why certain people take on particular roles in arrangements following bereavement can - if left unaddressed - really cause resentment to build up, and this obviously affects the grieving process. I hope you're doing okay, Toni.

[Toni_no12002]

hi thanks.im fine just abit wound up but hopefully things will go ok

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, that is why I hate it when people who die have a little something and people want to fight over it.

 

My husbands parents are pretty well off. I told my MIL at lunch the other day to PLEASE have everything written down. Even if it's a butter knife to please write down who gets it.

 

He's a only child but his dad had a son from a previous marriage. You never know how people are going to react.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, and especially for your mom.

Good God, the woman is not cold yet. It's disgraceful.

 

Your reaction is appropriate so do not feel guilty.

[Toni_no12002]

hi thanks.The thing i dont understand is that my nanna and grandad did have quite abit of money but my uncle seems to want to get everything before my mum does.Hes well of himself so i dont understand why hes doing it.It makes me so angry!