princesslena Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 I came here looking for an answer to my problem and didnt find one.So I decided to register and write my own post and maybe someone will help me.I'm engaged.I have my wedding license.We are supposed to be married in the next couple weeks.I was all for it at first,but now I don't know.I've been engaged at least 7 times,and I always end up running away.I thought maybe now it would be different,but it's not.I want to run away.No I don't.I love him.I'm happy being with him.He makes a lot of money.He takes good care of me.He takes good care of my son.And I love being around his children.I am just fine living here with him,but it isn't right for him to be living with a woman who isn't his wife.I do not want to be married.The thought makes me wanna throw up.I don't know why.And i'm not sure what to do or how to handle it cause I do not want to leave him,but if I don't marry him that's what's going to happen cause living like this in sin is not allowable for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 You've been to the altar seven times with seven different men and skipped out? Well, pardon me for saying this, but don't you think it's time to stop agreeing to get married? You clearly have a problem with it. But what I don't understand is why you will not simply live with a man unmarried. Is that alternative so unappealing? For that matter, does the thought of anything else cause such a panic reaction for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesslena Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 I am well aware that i have a problem with it.That's why i came here.Maybe someone can give me a solution to the problem.I am perfectly content living with him without being married.If you read over my issue again I made it very clear that it is HIM who needs to be married for his own reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 He needs to be married for his own reasons? Well, marriage is no longer something anyone should have to need. Rather, it is a want. It is voluntary. If anything is forcing someone to seek out marriage, to avoid deportation for instance, then it is a very bad idea to do it just for that. You already appear to know the solution to your problem, and that is not to get married. If it is the right thing to do, you can wait. It should not feel like you are being lead to the gallows. It is a reassuring time and something to celebrate openly. When it is time for you, you'll know it. Until then, DO NOT allow someone to coerce you into entering marriage prematurely for any reason. If they do not understand this, then they have no business marrying in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princesslena Posted October 29, 2005 Author Share Posted October 29, 2005 Fine let me rephrase this.Need was a bad word to use.He doesn't NEED to be married to me.He wants to be married to me.I want to be with him,I do not want to be married right now.I don't know that i'll ever want to be married cause of this problem i have.We live together.For him,for his religion,it's a sin for us to be living together and not be married.I know it sounds so 1800 today,but i understand it.That is his NEED to get married right now as opposed to waiting to get married.Does that explain it better? Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 Oh, I understand now. Isn't it joyful when religion rears its ugly head to help our lives get back on the "Path"? Well, despite what some religions preach, there is nothing morally wrong with caring for someone and not legally entangling yourself with them. But it takes a free thinking person to get comfortable with that. I suppose this is not going to sell too well depending on how much faith one has bitten off. But that is the burden that those who think outstide the Church must bear. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
k_lily Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 I think there is a little more information that we need to hear from you to fully understand. I agree that coercing you into a "binding contract" (which let's face it, it can be) is probably the last thing you need to happen. But if you truly want to figure out why you keep doing this, and get some actual treatment, you need to be honest with what about it scares you so much. It's not fair to this man, your child, and most of all yourself to keep doing this. Marriage can be a very scary thing. I myself just got married three months ago, and it hasn't changed anything the way I thought it would. Obviously there are subtle differences but not in the exaggerated drama everyone makes it out to be. So I guess I ask this of you, take some time to think about each of the seven situations individually. Think about the men, think about the relationship and think about the "would be" weddings. If you can find any pattern, there in probably lies your smoking gun. It may be something as simple as "stage fright" which I thought I would have to deal with. And if that's the case, make it a small ceremony, or go to the justice of the peace. If any of this helps, I am glad. But under no circumstances of what I say or anyone else (including your fiance) should you feel obligated to do it. Marriage should be about love, respect, and the ability to bring your unique selves together as a beautiful union, not out of God-fearing nature. Good Luck, Kealy Link to post Share on other sites
ponder24 Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 I think I can relate to you princess,,,I too have a fear of marriage that I cant understand. I think for me I am looking to far ahead all the time fearing "what if things don't work" "what will I do if I wan't out" just being SO afraid of the future,,so much that it keeps me from enjoying NOW. Marriage is a final stage,,,you are forever tied to this one person,,,it's scary,,who knows if they will change,,if you will fall out of love,,,if it just isnt there anymore.....I know I can obsess over these thoughts so much it makes me worry all day. I am ciming to terms with just living now,,,today, and trying to to worry so much about tommorrow,,,that is not to say I am not trying to look ahead and be prepared,,,(I cant help that Im a virgo!) I just have to live. There is always the old cliche,,you never know if you will be on this earth another day. Once married,,it's not all about you,,,you cant be selfish,,,I guess it's the same as having a child. You are kinda giving up a part of yourself,,but in turn are gaining a hopefully loving relationship. I know sometimes I think I'm not sure if I want to marry(getting married in May 06) and I go through the,,,one day I do, the next day I question it. I am too fearful to give him up though,,,I love him,,and I think I am to indecisive to begin with and it affects all emotions in a negative way. He too, comes from a religious family who is big time against us living together(we are currently) and stress that to him,,,he as well doesnt feel that comfortable with it. I on the other hand dont have a problem with it. I think I could be with someone my whole life and never have to have the title husband and wife and be ok with it. But it is a relationship,,and we both have to bend to make it work. I wish you luck. My only advice is take it day by day,,emotions change,,tomorrow or the next day you may feel better/differently. I try to think,,,,if 5-10-20 years down the road I can't stand being married,,it's not what I thought,,he changes in a negative way,,,,things are horrible,,I hate to say it but there is divorce,,there is a way out if you must. Link to post Share on other sites
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