My families in denial!!!!

[tinktronik]

As a child I was abused and neglected by my mother.I belive she has been and is still is mentally ill (unstable).She had multiple marriges resulting in siblings with different fathers.As a child whenever the abuse became apparent to outsiders, (teacher's ,ect.)I would be sent to live with different relatives ,sometimes for a summer sometimes for years on end.As an adult I have began to maintain contact with many of the family that I spent time with ( 2 different aunts in different states, my father, grandparents on one side, my older half sister) . I have gone years having no contact with my mother ,only to recieve a letter in the mail ,that she feels part of her soul is missing b/c I wont talk to her or she dosent know what Im doing with my life.And so I allow some phone calls on tentative grounds b/c any "reveals"

could lead her to attempt to "destroy my life". She is well known to do this to other people, get them arrested , get them fired, ruin their marriges, she will take revenge at any cost.However my delima is this : My family refuses to "stand still enuf" for me to actually reveal the dirty secret.They all acknolodge that my mother is "crazy" and that my childhood was terrible .But in the same sentance make statements that

Sister: you were a difficult child.

Aunt: well at least you were never sexually abused .(I was )

Father: You know spare the rod spoil the child. (but in the same period claims he was not an active role in my life because he was terrifies of my mothers violence)

They all seem to be in denial .what is this.

My mother still will not discuss her abuse and neglect, with the claim that its in the past or she dosent remember. How do I get my family to understand that to have me in their lives there can be no denial or working around this issue?

[submart]

I know how you feel. My family denied my past abuse.

 

You can't change or convince your family of something.

 

Yes, they are in denial...but there is nothing you can do about THEM. You are only responsible for yourself.

[tinktronik]

I do truly realize that I cannot controll what anyone does,and that THEY all make these choices.I am only responsible for my own actions. However I have the most difficult time having a relationship with any of these people. I do care about my family but have had broad periods of time with no contact with any of them. I have been on my own for a little over 10 years just before I turned 15 , married at 18 divorced at 24 .And finnaly established some contact with family .

I have 3 children and have tried to motivate family members to be involved and to give my children a sense of family .Its almost as if you have to just pocket all of te lies and dirty secrets in order to be a member.A very strange way to live.Some of these people are good people with little to no personal secrets and fairly decent lives, I just dont get y they are willing to cover for others bs.I know this is probably just a "symtom" of the abuse but I consistently have desires to " cut and run" drop family out of my life again and have no contact.But too I dont want to hurt anyone . I have a hard time "being myself" around family .I tend to be a happy "bouncy" funny intelligent pretty, young woman but areoun them I become quiet , reserved , and frumpy.I just dont know if this is "good" for me. So confused, I suppose it will come with age?

[slubberdegullion]

...but there is nothing you can do about THEM. You are only responsible for yourself.

Smarter words have rarely been said.

But too I dont want to hurt anyone . I have a hard time "being myself" around family .

Someone on LS has a signature that says something like, Better to be disliked for what you are than liked for what you aren't. Certainly, there are few upsides to go about your business without caring for how your actions effect others, but at the same time you have responsibilities to be the best that you can be (insert Army music here) and sometimes that means going against the prevailing mood.

 

It's a tough call, and I sympathize. I've been there too. Evolving your persona around your family into something more in line with your true nature is a process, not an event.

 

Good luck.

[Woggle]

My mother abused me as well and I have come to accept the fact that she will never change. I no longer hate her but I will never have a great relationship with her. My father fully realizes it and that is why sued for custody when I was 14 and got it. At least my high school years were spent in peace. What can I do but move on with my life triumph despite my childhood. I suggest you do the same. They may always be in denial but you have a life to live.

[tinktronik]

I have in fact realized that I will never have a good relationship with my mother.She is a dangerous person to know ,not just for me but for many.

I keep my boundaries set with her and dont allow much contact with myself and especially with my sons.

I have begun the process of building my life ,making it happen for me not to me.I realized my marrige was no good so I divorced and now am in a great relationship.I am a much better parent now that I have an understanding of what it means.I have a bussiness of my own that I am building .Things dont always flow smoothly ,but nothing tragic either.

Sometimes I do "loop" -thoose mental movies. And torture myself with my childhood but this is less now than before.I think understanding the playout and all of the constructs involved helped me to understand and get past the y me? scenerio.

I really do wish my family was different ,but everyone has a wish , dont they? I've come to believe that most family members involved did "want" to help , and did at times but to admit the severity of the abuse would mean to face that the help they did give was not enough.And so I will probably just leave things as they are and respect everyones wish to not know.

Thankyou all...

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been in your shoes exactly. My mother was mentally ill and abused me and then she denied the abuse my stepfather inflicted on me.

 

Stay as far away from your mother as you can. Set boundaries and only take as much of her as you can stand at one time. This is the only way to deal with situations like this.

 

Looping?? I've never heard it called that but I do it alot. I just set my mind a long time ago that I could only control myself, and not them and that I know what happened, they know what happened even if they don't want to admit it.

 

Hugs! Hang in there!