Caught up between two men

[totallyconfused]

I'm stuck please help!

 

I am currently seeing my new bf for only 2.5 months. For 2.5, we've gotten extremely involved, being exclusive as well as having met his family & friends. We've had alot of arguments, mostly about keeping contact with my ex. One of the major problem in this relationship is the fact that I started this relationship too fast, too soon after an emotional breakup with my ex. There was only 1 month leeway after my four year relationship with my ex in which ended with him having an emotional, online affair for four months, as well as having kissed and messed around with one of them. I took a huge hit after finding out he was cheating on me and thought dating would help ease back in bc at the time I was depressed and needed a distraction.

 

Well almost 3 months into "dating", I became too involved. My current bf wanted to influence my contact with my ex, telling me to get rid of him on my buddylist, never answer his calls or ims. I realize, that if I truly cared about him, I would've just done this naturally, but now I see that I just never got time to really get over my ex and still felt sorry about him> thus still cared about my ex's feelings even though it hurt my bf. I continued to remain contact with my ex about once every three weeks and lied about it to my bf, eventually fessing up to it every time. I know I'm stupid to lie about it, but he was completely against it and I thought what I was doing was completely harmless, though now I look back - it wasn't.

 

My ex still tries very hard to get me back, saying that he wants to try to work things out and has apologized profusely as well as tried to send some mementos. I do believe that he really is sorry and has changed for the better. But now I am left with confusion.

 

At this point, I've told both guys to not talk to me as I need time to rethink about things and told the bf that I just didnt have enough time to get over my ex and that if I really cared enough about him, I'd rid of him out of my life without even a doubt. I told a similar thing to my ex. So now, I'm left alone, to think who is the right man for me if none at all.

 

Though the ex cheated on me, it was a great relationship prior to the cheating. He was there for me at all costs, communication was good, and the sex was great. He really tends well to my personality as in very patient with me and understanding. I did find him a bit of a bore during our relationship as he never really wanted to do much with himself or us, but now he told me he's "grown up" and wants to make things happen.

 

The boyfriend (well soon he might not be anymore as he is completely fed up, and I would completely understand if he did) is so... different. He is a complete romantic, sweet as hell, but needs TONS of attention and assurance from me. We have very strong personalities that really feed off each other and, like great friends, we get along fantastic. Except for communication when we are angry with each other, we tend to freak out on one another, without compromise to each other. The sex is fantastic, but again its so completely different from my ex.

 

I dont know if I'm just scared of the unknown and thats why I long for the comfort of my previous relationship. I'm not so scared to be alone, b/c I've been in a long distance relationship for four years and therefore I've been by myself for long periods of time without a problem. I don't know whom to choose, as I don't want to hurt either one of them, but gosh they are waiting for me to reply back to them.

 

I have no idea what to do.

[nightsailing]

crap! talk about being in delimma. one month isn't enough time after a four year relationship. i was with someone for the same amount of time and it took me about a year to get over it.

 

you are going to have to make a decision...no one here can do that for you. unfortunately, somebody is going to get hurt...that is the inevitable. it's not fair to keep stringing the new guy along, especially if the ex is lingering around. Put yourself in the new guy's position...would you like it if his ex was doing the same thing? Probably not.

 

if it were me, i wouldn't be with either one of them. take some time out for yourself and get your head straight. you don't seem to like the theatrics of the new guy. as for the ex, why is he coming around all of a sudden...was the grass not greener on the other side?

 

Good luck!

[totallyconfused]

what do i base my decisions on?

how do i say things without hurting someone?

are decisions really that permanent?

 

is it wrong for me to ask for a break from talking to both of them and tell them to just stop talking to me so i can get my head straight??

[seahorse]

No totally confused, it's not wrong to ask for that break. Just don't make the break too long, at least for the new bf's sake. He deserves better. As for your ex, after what he did to you, he can wait as long as it takes.

 

I've been in a similar situation myself, so I know how hard it can be. Just try not to take too long.

[kitten chick]

You need to base your decision on what's best for you. It's never wrong to do that, including if you need space from both of them.

 

The trust has been broken in your relationship with your ex. Cheating rarely happens for no reason. Sit back and examine what was missing in your relationship that might have led him to stray.

 

As far as your current boyfriend, how people argue and communicate speak strongly to the future health of the relationship. People will disagree and argue, it's only natural, but how it is handled is extremely important.

 

It sounds to me like you have two guys that don't work well for you for one MAJOR reason each. Perhaps you should be looking elsewhere....