It's been almost six months now...is it hopeless?

[Donburi]

Hello to all you LoveShackers, it's me again. It's been a while, but not much has changed.

 

I'll try to explain as much as I can into a few paragraphs. Here are some facts for ya.

 

I'm 21. Ex is 24. Dated for a little more than three years, broke up May 1st.

He initiated the breakup. Why? Because I cheated. I can't call myself a cheater (though I am worthy of the title) because it is not something I plan on making a habit. Anyways, I guess to be selfish and try to make myself feel less guilty, it was a one time thing. His friend made a move on me to which I did not stop right away, it started to get a bit intimate (no sex, clothes still on, but you get the idea) and a few minutes later, my ex walked in to see. We were going through a rough time and we were techinically on a break, but I know, its no excuse. I understand how traumatizing it must have been for him, walking in to see his girlfriend and one of his good friends.

He dropped all contact with his friend that very day, and continues to hate him to this day. We had kept contact through the whole time, though in the beginning it was only through aim, for about 10 mins every other day. Now, we see eachother about twice or three times for school (we have class together for two days, he signed up for the classes I was taking) and talk online for the rest of the days.

 

Well anyways, we have been doing this "friends" thing for about six months now, though its obvious to anyone that we're not just friends. We don't act like a couple or anything (in fact, there are moments when its the complete opposite, he will sit away from me as far as possible, etc...) He doesn't want to date because he doesn't feel the same way he used to, but he isn't ending it officially either because he hopes one day things will change. He says we could get back together, but he just wants to relax and be friends for now until he knows what to do. Though I'm sure everyone says this, he isn't the type to beat around the bush, so to speak. He is concerned for my feelings but wouldn't lie to me. He tells me to not worry about it for now, and just to enjoy being friends. He tells me to only wait for him if that is what I want, and to enjoy my life. I cannot stop communicating with this man, though it would probably be for the best. Though it was well earned, I have gone through alot of pain these past six months, wondering and waiting for something to happen. This has become my life now. I can't even imagine what he has been going through.

 

Well, I'm sure most of you think its doomed, I made my bed, its time to lay in it. Though I made a bad decision, I'm not a terrible person, and would like to make it up to him. I would love more than anything to be proven worthy and given a second chance. We are both going to school for the same thing. We both plan on moving to Japan next spring. Before we broke up, we were going to move there together. My friends and some of his actually, believe he will take me back a little bit before Japan or when we move there. They think once we are there he will be open to dating again, because everything here reminds him of the incident (all his friends still hang out with the "friend" that was involved, so he gets brought up everynow and then). He will maybe want to start over again, refreshed, in a new country. It makes sense to me, but I cannot believe it 100%. I guess I can only hope. He tells me he will most likely be ready to date by the time we're ready to move (he wants to be single for a good while, after what I did, dating is the last thing he wants to do) but just can't guaruntee if it will work out between us, though he is not giving up on us. So, I guess I'm basically waiting for him to have feelings for me again, because right now he can only view me as a friend. I asked him, what about your other exes? If you hung out with them long enough would your old feelings come back? And he said no. I said well then why would yours come back for me? And he said because I'm different. He knows I doubt alot, and when we talk he does give me hope, but never guaruntee's anything. His favorite words are could, might, and maybe.

 

If anything were to happen, it will probably happen around the time we move. I just don't know what to do til then. Being just a friend hurts so much, but that is all I can do right now. He almost treats me like a best friend, we talk and hang out, play games together, go out and eat, etc...

Its so hard to wait because its not a guaruntee.

 

I don't really know what I am asking for on this forum. All my other posts have gotten, well, not negative, but honest replies. It just isn't going to happen. But, obviously, there are many stubborn people here, me being one of the biggest one. Listening to advice is one thing, taking it to heart is another. I guess the only way I can believe its over is if I hear it from his lips.

But, advice is still appreciated and who knows, maybe one will strike me and just might do something.

[meltwithme]

You lost his trust. Sorry to say but it is going to take alot of effort on your part to make sure he knows nothing like that will happen again if you do get back together.

[Donburi]

You lost his trust. Sorry to say but it is going to take alot of effort on your part to make sure he knows nothing like that will happen again if you do get back together.

 

 

I agree. He doesn't trust me at all right now. I'm just wondering what would be the best way to show him. Any advice? I guess I will have to keep doing this friends thing for a while longer...thank you for replying.

[westernxer]

Could, might, maybe... doesn't sound very encouraging to me.

 

Boot him from your life and see how he reacts to it. Hanging around him isn't helping your cause at all. You're wasting time when you could be dating other guys who may end up rocking your world.

 

I don't think you were cheating... not if you were on "break." This is also known as a breakup.

[Donburi]

Could, might, maybe... doesn't sound very encouraging to me.

 

Boot him from your life and see how he reacts to it. Hanging around him isn't helping your cause at all. You're wasting time when you could be dating other guys who may end up rocking your world.

 

I don't think you were cheating... not if you were on "break." This is also known as a breakup.

 

 

I've thought about just dropping all contact with him to see what would happen. Even though I cheated, he knows that I only have eyes for him; he is probably used to me always being there. As one of his friends said, I'm "hangin' from his balls" lol. I wouldn't have any idea where to start though...we have two classes together. And honestly, I don't think I could ignore his calls/texts, or even block him for that matter. And most of all, I have no interests in dating other people. I mean, I'm sure once I open my eyes to it I will notice there are alot of cool guys, but its just so hard...and I will be moving in less than a year (so will he) I am not sure I would want to jump into a relationship right now.

 

There are two options that both make sense to me. One is what you suggested, do NC and see if that kicks him out of his rut. And two, continue to be "friends" and show I am worthy of being trusted again...I've been doing this for six months now, and while there has been some improvement, it really isn't doing that much.

 

So I guess the idea of him taking me back once we move isn't very realistic, huh... oh well, a girl can hope.

 

Thank you for your reply, I like the kind of advice you give around here. Honest and to the point. Thank you.