Beyond the Friendship stage?/Just Friends?

[Sand&Water]

Hello LoveShack Members.

 

This is my first time posting in the LoveShack community.

I hope this site will provide me with great feedback, as I have noticed from the numerous topics and dilemmas posted. I don’t want to make this post too long, so I'll cut to the chase and present to you with my situation.

 

I would greatly appreciate all feedback, advice, and thoughts to be positive, and constructive. Particularly, I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and input well in advance of my presentation.

 

Here is a summary of my situation:

 

I had met a guy on-line approximately 2 months [give or take a few days] ago. From the very beginning of making conversation with him, we hit it off immensely well. I greatly enjoyed the conversation and always looked forward to the next one. At the start he would notify me that he, too, looked forward to talking to me. At that point, a good friendship started as we both were well aware of that.

 

Until now, we still talk online and have pleasant, funny and enjoyable conversations. We dont get to talk too often, as we are both busy with life.

 

From the conversations we usually have, here are some signs I have noticed coming from him:

 

(1) Sometimes, during the conversation, he will call me "honey" and "dear".

(2) He almost always initiates talk with me.

(3) He likes to joke, kidd, and bug me, causing the conversation to be light hearted and funny. (Both have a good laugh)

(4) Always asks me, 'How well my week went' and such non-life threatening questions.

(5) He compliments me a lot during the conversation.

(6) He indicates that he enjoys our conversations.

(7) During one of our talks, he said that: He wished that there was a clone of me in his city, so that I'd be closer to him and would enjoy my company.

(8) Also during one of our talks, we were talking about people's behavior and attitudes, and he said that if a guy was hanging out with you a lot ( I think he was talking about himself here) wouldn’t that tell you something about his attitude and behavior. In that way, it would be obvious of his intentions.

 

Note: I must add that I have not yet see this guy in person, as a result I do not know how he looks like.

 

My questions:

(1) Are we more than just friends?

(2) Is he possibly interested? Or into me?

(3) Are there particular signs I should be looking for, so as to justify the situation?

(4) Is this just the friendship stage? Am I bound to be stuck in it?

 

Any Thoughts, Feedback, Advice? I didn’t expect it to be this long. Thank you all for you patience.

[Mary3]

Sure : I have feedback.

 

Have you ever seen this person on a web cam ?

 

Have you seen numerous pictures that seem recent ?

 

From reading your post I realize you have not met him and thats the main point. :

 

Of course you both enjoy talking to each other.

 

I would hold off developing anything more serious than a pen pal until you meet this man.

 

Only after spending real quality time with him can you determine ANYTHING.

 

If this does develop ( in real life ) into something special , then you will have had all the times you have talked to one another under your belt.

 

Spending many hours talking...

 

Steer clear of I love you's and committment and basically keep having your normal life.

If you do meet you both realize LDR's are hard.

And moving to be near a LDR means one of you gives up alot including possibly your job and family/friends connection.

 

I would take it slow. I would not promise anything. Tell him you want to meet him. Then and only then should you ponder anything serious .

[elijahBailey]

pretty sound advice from Mary. Here's my take as well....

 

(1) Are we more than just friends?

 

Yes if he's already seen your picture. Has he?

 

Also, even though you haven't met him in person, have you seen his pic yet?

[Sand&Water]

Thank you both, for the great thoughts/feedback/advice. I appreciate it.

 

The wierd thing is: We have never spoken about the "what you look like/picture" issue. In other words, I have never seen his picture and vice versa. I suppose, it hasn't crossed our minds, yet far (or so I think it didnt cross his mind); it has crossed my mind a few times.

 

The drift I've been receiving from him lately, is that he is indeed taking things slowly, yet it is contradictory of him to display the above signs.

 

Anyways I will take things slow and go with the flow, then see what happens.

 

Again, thank you for the advice. I'll take all thoughts into consideration.

[Mary3]

No picture usually means :

 

Married

or

Fugly

or

No Camera

 

Now , it does not sound like he's married but you need to know married men fail to put their picture up because they don't want anyone ( including their wives ) to see it.

 

Fugly : He might just be.....He might be average....He might be above average.

 

But I tell you this because a few years ago I developed a close bond with someone and had no picture.

He sent maybe 50 nice long emails and then one day ( after many requests ) he finally sent a picture. He was verrrry homely !

 

But I agreed to meet him anyway. I met him and did not feel anything. I agreed to meet him again , thinking I was not being fair. I met him again. Again nothing.

 

What really was not fair was that he had a pic of me and I did not have one of him. So now when I get those ,I kindly request a picture.

Of course , there are some wonderful people out there and we don't totally judge based on looks alone.

 

But the funny thing is , I am sure you have some kind of image and I can gaurantee you, he won't look anything like what you have imagined. Its kinda like shell shock. But you can overlook and base your final decision on many factors.

 

I am not saying he is a greek Adonis or a homely librarian . He is what you think he is but he is for now. just in your image.

 

I dont know how it will pan out but I once had no picture and met someone else. Initially I would not have been attracted to someone like him but he turned out to be the best boyfriend I ever had !

 

So my story went 2 ways with 2 different ppl. Yours could turn out great. Or not....

 

I would honestly meet this man soon. You say you are both in no hurry. True if its going to stay on the Internet forever. But if you * feel * something for him or he You, then its time to meet. Otherwise you could spend months wasting your life and time if you are not persuing others right now.

[Sand&Water]

Yes, I am well aware of the Three Reasons behind having no picture. Your post made a lot of sense to me, and hit numerous points. Let me try to put this into better perspective:

 

"True if its going to stay on the Internet forever…….Otherwise you could spend months wasting your life and time if you are not persuing others right now. "

 

That’s exactly what I mean. I honestly don’t want this to carry on and only stay within internet dimensions. Usually, if it will blossom into something marvelous, then it should be so. I totally dislike wasting months of my life just talking to him, as though nothing has been going on for the last while.

 

On that note, I talked to him today and it was bright as light that he really did miss me and is concerned about my well being. It is indeed strange, since he shows enjoyment, signs, and good intentions but does not progress towards doing something about it.

 

From what I know about him, he said that he is not married. So until now, that first option is eliminated. As for the other two options I'm not sure. There are so many guys that say they're about average looking, but they say this because dont want to show a shallow-ego and obsession of their looks. So he has mentioned that he is average looking, but who knows average looking could turn out that or more. What would be considered average looking anyways??

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to shed some light on this, since I’ve started to become disillusioned. I think I ought to just absorb this in, and will use the best of my judgment to handle this situation.

Thank you for your comments/advice/feedback. It's been a pleasure reading, and I appreciate it.

[Mary3]

Warning sign : He is making no attempt to meet you because :

 

A. He is married ( we talked about this and have pretty much eliminated.. )

B. He is fugly

C. He is avoiding this because he feels you will be disspointed : refer to B.

D. He is terribly shy and does not have the confidance to meet you.

E. He is married and enjoying the attention and the meeting that will never

place. ( Hence : its a game )

F. He is a serial playa on the Internet.

 

It is * least * likely that he is incredibly handsome , confidant, socially confidant and a real winner. But he might be everything you have wanted but WARNING if he does NOT want to meet.

 

Remember what I said.....The next normal progression is meeting.

 

I don't honestly wait months to meet someone....At best a couple of weeks..

 

How long has it honestly been since you started talking.

 

I suspect its B.

 

I could be wrong.

 

I will eat my crow when appropriate

[Moai]

The main reason men develop relationships with women is sex. He wouldn't be talking to you unless, at some level, he wanted something romantic. How deeply romantic is the question: Is he cool with just flirting over the PC, or does he want to meet and eventually complete the deal?

 

If he hasn't sent a picture, I would say it is because he isn't satisfied with how he looks. He is probably average looking at best, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

I hope I'm wrong, if you really dig the guy.

[born a redhead]

i know a little of where you are coming from, so i will clue on my internet experience. just like you i started talking to a man on line, for 4 months we talked every day. he was divorced and had 2 kids the same as mine. i grew close to this man as he did me. we started talking on the phone, which made our friendship grow. he lived in vermont and i in chicago is a long way for a long distance relationship.

as time went on we wanted to meet, so i purchased a ticket to vermont and off i went to meet this person that i felt close to and thought i can trust. he met me at the airport and as soon as i got off the plan i can tell that something was not right. we drove to his home which he lied to me about. he did not live in a tri level he lived in an apartment building. also he looked older than he said he was ( which i never questioned). before i left we had planned the visit out and i was to stay in the guest room( which there was no guest room) needless to say this man was not the man i spoke to over the phone or on line everyday. i found out that this man was into cocain and that he did not have custody of his kids he could not even see them because of his drug problem.

 

talking to someone on line is great but, you dont really know who that person really is.

 

not all people on line are like that, it is the few that are that ruins it for us

[elijahBailey]

That's pretty crazy redhead. You met this guy for the first time and agreed to stay at his house? I see you don't have any problem trusting people

[Mary3]

I've had ppl I have been talking to say they were coming to my city and ask if they can stay at my place ? The answer is No.

 

I don't know you that well to let you stay here.

 

As for the poor experience the previous poster mentioned about the man lying about his living conditions, drug habits and age.

 

Well , there are alot of people less than honest and they post on the internet hoping someone wont notice the Methanphetomine Labs , the loaded gun on the table and pictures of orphaned children he never mentioned were his......

[blue16]

I just get the impression this guy has no intentions whatsoever of meeting up. He is prolly just flirting with you over the PC just for fun, it's very convenient for him. He doesn't even have to show his picture, and at the comfort at his home...he can chat up a girl over the internet without having any sort of commitment (he can also act differently since this is an Internet only thing).

 

Even if he does want something more, he realizes that it will be a LDR at best...so it's smart not to get seriously involved in the first place. That's my take on this...sorry.

 

Where/how did you meet this guy anyway?

[Mary3]

I agree Blue which is why I also think he could be married.

I have a married guy who writes to me and its no secret that he is married as he puts it on his profile and says hes looking for friends.

Well he always tries to refer to sexual inuendos and I always ignore those letters.

Then he asks why I dont write then he initiates all the contact via email.

I have basically felt he just wants to bring it to a level of fun for himself.

I feel sorry for his wife and I could tell him off but I just basically ignore him .

[Sand&Water]

Thank you all for your replies. Many of the posts helped me deal with my situation, and I found the posts useful.

 

Just recently I learned that he is indeed not married, and he said that he is what he says he is. So no lieing there and no hiding behind a curtain, anymore.

 

I read over the posts and it really helped me when I talked to him. I had a clear vision of what I wanted to ask him and to my surprise he also had a few questions for me to answer.

 

So basically we talked again, like we usually talk but this time it was very much different. I basically asked him, how long he thinks we will be talking with each other. He said that he doesn’t know. I also asked a few other questions, and to my surprise he wasn’t sure of the outcome.

 

This is how it went:

 

He asked me, “on a purely/strictly hypothetical note … suppose if i'm where u r or if u're where i am, would u actually meet up? and i dunno, see for sure who the other person is?”. Then I told him that yeah, it would be a good idea to meet up and such, but we don’t live in the same city and all.

 

Then I asked him what does he think??

He told me that …..” we're not in the same city….well.......... to be honest under normal circumstances i'd think it'll be cool to meet up with u…..considering we talk so well ….. it'd be interesting to see if that carries to in person……..would be cool……meet up for coffee... get to know each other…….chat in person.”

 

I asked if he thinks that I’ll just be talking to him forever and ever?

 

He said that ….. “no..... i don't expect anyone to….. we'll talk for as long as we'll talk……….and after that... we'll move on……that we'll both have our own lives.. things that we do……….some friends u have stay with u as time goes…..and some ppl/friends just move on to other things…..drift apart”

 

He continued to say ……”maybe 'life' will get in the way…….honestly, "realistically"…….any 2 ppl……….u either stay together or u go apart……there's no 3rd outcome lol………maybe one day we'll actualy meet... and get together, and stay together…….who knows…….or maybe we'll actually be good friends for life…….who knows.”

 

At the end, he said, “i think if u're in the same city i'd definitely like to get to know u better.”

 

He said that he has met weird girls in the past.

Is he trying to figure out, if maybe I might be a good girlfriend…….or “the one”???

 

I honestly don’t know what to do?? What the hell? Should I just keep talking to him?

I really have feelings for this guy, I dig him, and I enjoy talking to him. What should I do?

Do we both have to be in the same city in order to meet up and have a good time??

Any suggestions/ideas are welcome. I know it’s a long post, but thank you.

[Mary3]

Okay so hes not married . That part is finally settled.

 

He sounds pretty blase' about meeting in general.

 

I dont think he's in any hurry to meet you. Just wants to talk for now.

 

Maybe he has been burned or scarred too often.

 

You should stop contact with him immediately especially if you have feelings. I think your feelings are being discarded by the road side.

 

Your other choice is :

I would tell him you want to come to his city and meet.

Then find out what he is all about.

 

I say NC because if you DON't meet this guy in the next 30 days then you need to stop talking to him because you do have feelings .

This is only going to hurt you.

 

On the other hand you could meet him and say Whaaat ??? I wasted all this time on HIM ? He could be dull as wood or dirty or a million other things.

 

You understand on the Internet that you see what he WANTS you to see....?

 

Meaning it might not be as you fantasized ....

[Sand&Water]

Or I could continue talking to him for awhile, and then see where it goes??

 

I’m thinking of just telling him how I feel next time we talk …..then tell him that its best for me to move on ….leave this since it might turn for the worst and someone can really get hurt.

 

What do you think??

 

Something I forgot to mention: He lives approximately 5 hours away from me!!?? So is that too far for him, or what???It's not like we live in different countries.

[Mary3]

Continue talking to him for what ??? I think you have feelings and the only way to get rid of those feelings is to wean yourself off this guy ASAP.

 

That means don't message him . Delete his name for a few weeks. Dont give into the tempatation. Dont take his phone calls.

 

Send him an email and tell him that since you arent meeting anytime soon and since he said it probrobly wont work out ( LDR have a high failure rate because that person is NOT around ) That you are going to be looking into other areas and will continue to date in your city.

 

Do NOT let him try to run your life.

 

He is PROBROBLY talking to other girls via internet or dating them and here you are sad and missing him.

 

Bet you aren't the only one,....I bet it won't bother him too much.

 

If it really bothers him he needs to step up to the plate.

[Sand&Water]

Thank you all for your thoughts, feedback and advice.

 

I know that the replies to this post, have indeed relieved stress and worry for me. Likewise, I hope it will do the same for other women and men in similiar situations/dilemmas.

 

Feel free to post any other thoughts you have on this thread/topic.

 

Cheers