mostly need an ear...but missing him like hell tonight

[teethbrushes]

My ex and I have been broken up for several months. he broke up with me because he felt like our relationship was heading towards marriage and where we would be in life was uncertain. He was at a time of his life when things were changing all around and he didn't know where he would be living in a few months. We were also long distance. He also was wanting to marry me, but concerned that logistically it would be impossible because we are both goal oriented and our lives were seeming to take us in different directions (but then they ended up taking us in the same one). I was also getting very sick, something he nor I knew at the time, and he thought I was lethargic (when in fact i was very ill) and several weeks before we broke up I was finding it difficult to get out of bed and wake up. I later found out that I have a condition i will be coping with for the rest of my life. I think he knows now, but he didn't know until a few months after the break.

 

He rebounded with a new girl for 3 months....he broke up with her because he was moving down to where i live. we were long distance, so I feel like he would've stayed with her if it was a huge issue.

 

we didn't see each other for several months and when we finally did one day, he ignored me like he had never met me. We now see each other almost every day because he moved down to where I live (which he didn't know at the time...at the time he thought he was moving several thousand miles away...not where I live). I told him i wanted to be friends and I was glad we broke up because of my illness and he didn't say anything, but he told me he was looking forward to hanging out with me and that he had been concerned because he heard I had been in and out of the hospital.

 

When we began to see each other everyday, things looked like they were heading towards a solid friendship. We hung out some, people identified me as "so and so's ex" and "He's told me so much about you, etc." We had a few long talks and I was convinced I'd changed enough through being ill that I could probably never be with him again. I told him that because I didn't want him to misinterpret anything. During a fight several months ago, he said we were NEVER getting back together under any circumstance. So I just wanted to assure him I had no ulterior motives.

 

After that admission, we were no longer friends. I gave him a birthday card and he never said thanks until I asked him if he got it. He began noticably not showing up at parties I would be at. Recently, he sucked it up and came to an event he knew i would be at. He looked over at me several times and my friends commented that he looked like he was going to throw up or cry. After five minutes there, he left. This is a common occurance now. He also stares at me a lot when we're together but not speaking.

 

A friend asked him if he was okay with us seeing each other everyday and he got upset and said he didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to talk about why we weren't friends, and he didn't want to talk abotu anything except for he still thought highly of me.

 

He does talk to me though, in passing. He'll wave and say hello, but he keeps his safe distance. But I've noticed he looks at me the same way he did when he dated me. Some of my friends are acquaintances of his and I asked them how he looks at them, thinking maybe he looks at everyone the same way and its different. He did it in front of my friend and she said that's definitely not the way he looks at anyone else.

 

Even though we aren't friends, he still tells EVERYONE who will listen we dated, but its not in a bad way. I still get people coming up to me saying "Hey...aren't you so and so's ex? Oh cool. yeah he pointed you out."

 

I was being really, really strong, until today when I saw him, he looked at me like that and I just was overcome with the urge that I missed him. I can't tell anyone that because the only advice I get is move on and find someone else or wait it out and it will happen if its supposed to.

 

But I just want to get back with him or not feel for him at all. And its near impossible. I don't know if i should take his word from before during the fight that we were never dating again or what, because he had also said on another date that he wasn't ruling it out. So I don't know.

 

Maybe I pushed him too far away by being so adament about being "just friends"....but I miss him SO much. He was my first love and i was his and I get so skeptical I'll fall for someone like that again. the more I talk to people, the more I realize this was so special.

 

But then part of me wonders if I did something wrong and if he really DID move on completely and doesn't want anything to do with me and has made no emotional attatchments when he gets so emotionally attatched to people and situations easily.

 

I just don't know what to do. And I know I'll have a hard time dating someone new seeing him everyday and opening up new wounds....

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. Is it hopeless? Is it not hopeless? Do I just wait? I dunno what to do.