Am I looking for a father figure?

[Pamela]

I am a 30-year-old woman in love with a man who is 65. We haven't met yet, but we know alot about each other and have talked for long hours on the telephone for over three weeks.

 

(I got a friend of mine who lives in the same city where he lives to to a kind of "spy-check" on him just to make sure he was for real)

 

He told me that when I meet him to not expect a man of 30 and to prepare myself that I might not like him because of his age. For example he told me honest things about himself that most people probably wouldn't admit if they'd never met the person before, like certain minor dietary and medical things about himself, the fact that he doesn't have alot of money, and also that he doesn't have the same sexual stanima that a 30 or 40-year-old man might have in bed, but he is still very capable of doing it. On the other hand he said he has other things that a younger man couldn't offer me such as wisdom of experience and more gentle loving.

 

Perhaps I am looking for a father figure because my own father has a hard time showing his feelings for me and besides, I've always been attracted to older men, mind you not this old!!

 

This man tells me that when it comes to love he is very serious and he is afraid that maybe one day (if we ever get together) I will leave him for a younger man. Some of his friends had advised him that he would get hurt in the end and tried to talk sense into him, but our feelings towards each other are very strong.

 

We are going to meet very soon. Either he will come here or I will go there in the next two weeks . We've talked thru about all the possibilities of us not liking each other and what we would do if that happened ect. and we decided that even if we didn't get along "that way" we would probably still end up being good friends since we already have so much in common.

 

Besides all the unkown factors involved in meeting a person for the first time, do you think the age difference factor could end up being a major problem if we get together? Do you think I'm just dreaming about the ideal father?

[Tony T]

I think there is some kind of dream going here. The two of you have talked about possibilities for your relationship that most couples don't talk about for months.

 

There is an incredible danger that the all-important in-person chemistry may not be there when you finally meet. The age difference is not very important right now, but in ten years, when he is 75...about the time many more serious medical problems surface in the elderly...you will be in your sexual prime. Forty is young and I serious doubt you want to be caring for a 75-year-old man who could be ready for a nursing home or assisted living facility.

 

If you think you may be looking for a father figure, I will say with absolute certainty that there are many 40-50 year old men who are healthy, have lots of maturity and wisdom, and who would go for you in a heartbeat.

 

It sounds by the way the two of you met that you are pretty eager to meet someone and I don't blame you. We all are. While your new honey may work for you in the short term, he'll be lots of problems in the long term...problems you haven't even dreamed of yet.

 

Stay his friend, get lots of fathering and wisdom from him, but go find a relationship with a younger man...please...for your sake. And tell him I said hello.