Why you "know" it'll work...

[bab]

Inspired by another thread, for those of us that are getting married, why do you "know" that it's right and you'll be together forever? (please say more than, "I just know...")

 

For those of you that think it's a load of crap to even think that, why are we wrong?

 

I'll start, but first, let me say that I really believe that we'll make it, but repect the fact that I don't "know". So, here are my reasons...

 

1. We are best friends, tell each other everything first. I know more about his job and cars than I ever could have imagined. (I might even be able to ghost a server while installing a lighter flywheel if needed. J/K) In short I've never had better communication with ANYONE my entire life.

2. We have a realistic view of each other. He's not perfect and neither am I. It's okay.

3. We've been talking about how our marriage will work for 3 years. (dating for 5)

4. We've both agreed that if either of us wants to go to couseling at any point in our marriage, we will go without requiring justification from the other.

5. We have compatible goals in life. (Careerwise, kids, financial...)

6. We aren't afraid to tell each other hard things. Like what our sex life might be missing, or when we are getting to chubby, or "gasp" that marriage is scary.

 

There are more reasons, but they are mainly details. Oh yeah, we also love each other, but who doesn't that gets married? So, share your thoughts.

[Outcast]

4. We've both agreed that if either of us wants to go to couseling at any point in our marriage, we will go without requiring justification from the other.

 

What about agreeing to both attend marriage counselling if one of you feels it's necessary?

 

Have you discussed the following and either agreed or negotiated a consensus?

 

 

Dreams

Lifestyle

Home maintenance

Finances

Religion

Family

Time together

Time apart

Relationship-building

Children

Employment

Communication

Roles and expectations

Commitment

Anger and conflict management.

In-Laws

Goals for marriage

Sex

Friends

Pets

Cultural differences

Personal habits

Chores

 

Here are a couple of sites with questions; your best bet is to buy a book or two of things to discuss before marriage. This will replicate what most prenup courses do. Essentially, marriage involves two people who love each other managing to live together successfully. That works best when two people are willing to negotiate and work together when there are areas of difference, and, ideally, when the areas of difference are few. You can love someone madly but if you disagree on everything from whether you save money to how many pets to have, the marriage is doomed.

 

http://www.dearmrsweb.com/knights%201.htm

http://www.womentodaymagazine.com/advice/engagement.html

[westernxer]

The thing about marriage is that you don't know... that's why you take vows, even though they mean so little these days.

[Hot Coco]

The thing about marriage is that you don't know... that's why you take vows, even though they mean so little these days.

 

Good point. That's why it's for "better or for worse." The trick is to make sure you already know most of the "worst" beforehand. Of couse there can be unforeseen problems later but if you already know you can both handle conflict and strife well, then you have a better chance of succeeding.

[bab]

What about agreeing to both attend marriage counselling if one of you feels it's necessary?

 

--Rereading my post I can see how my wording wasn't clear, but this is exactly what I meant. We will go to marriage counselling if either of us wants to.

 

 

Have you discussed the following and either agreed or negotiated a consensus?

 

 

Dreams

Lifestyle

Home maintenance

Finances

Religion

Family

Time together

Time apart

Relationship-building

Children

Employment

Communication

Roles and expectations

Commitment

Anger and conflict management.

In-Laws

Goals for marriage

Sex

Friends

Pets

Cultural differences

Personal habits

Chores

 

Almost all of them. The biggest is the religion one. We would've married a couple of years ago if we had the same religous beliefs. We've spent hours and hours and days and weeks and years working out a situtation that we can both feel comfortable with (mostly involving our future kids).

 

Here are a couple of sites with questions; your best bet is to buy a book or two of things to discuss before marriage. This will replicate what most prenup courses do.

 

Thanks for the sites. We've got a book of questions as well. So far, no suprises.

[bab]

The thing about marriage is that you don't know... that's why you take vows, even though they mean so little these days.

 

 

Of course. But that's what I think will be interesting about this thread. Almost everyone assumes they'll make it, and many are wrong. So, what makes them think that they will make it?

[Woggle]

I can't explain it but I know it will work. I just have a feelling. I know that does not sound logical but it works for us. I am waiting a year to make any plans though.

[Hot Coco]

I can't explain it but I know it will work. I just have a feelling. I know that does not sound logical but it works for us. I am waiting a year to make any plans though.

 

You have to have more than a "feeling." You have to be able to say WHY you know it will work. Just going on a hunch or a feeling isn't good enough.

 

Bab, I'm really impressed! We had the religious issue too concerning future kids. We looked at it this way. Our child could be raised in his religion, mine or both. We only had 3 choices. He didn't want it to be both. Thought it would be too confusing so then we were left with 2 choices. Since I felt the strongest about wanting it to be mine, (I would have raised our child in both but he didn't like that choice) so anyway, since I felt stronger about it than he did, he agreed he'd be raised in mine.

 

Don't know if that helps you at all but...that's what we did. Anyway, sounds like you're doing all the right things!

[bab]

I can't explain it but I know it will work. I just have a feelling. I know that does not sound logical but it works for us. I am waiting a year to make any plans though.

 

Can you articulate why you have the feeling? What is it about her that gives you this feeling?

[bab]

Bab, I'm really impressed! We had the religious issue too concerning future kids. We looked at it this way. Our child could be raised in his religion, mine or both. We only had 3 choices. He didn't want it to be both. Thought it would be too confusing so then we were left with 2 choices. Since I felt the strongest about wanting it to be mine, (I would have raised our child in both but he didn't like that choice) so anyway, since I felt stronger about it than he did, he agreed he'd be raised in mine.

 

Thanks, I want to try and do all the right things. My parents are divorced and I know I want "till death do you part...". We are kinda gonna do the both religions thing. The main thing we learned is that our beliefs aren't all that different, we just have some very different stances on the details. We are going to stress how that's not a deal breaker. Then when they get to the ages that they are suppossed to do the confirmation thing, it will be up to them to decide what they want.

[RecordProducer]

We don't really know, we think(or believe) it will work and we want to make it work. If you think you're a perfect couple and that's why you will succeed then you won't. We need to accept each other's faults and deal with them rather than write somebody off as soon as you realize that they have insecuritites or any other fault.

 

I think it's very important to be more or less carefree in life. Marriages that carry burdens like incompatibility and/or baggage can't be carefree. This was the case in my first marriage.

 

My So and I are on the same intellectual level, we trust each other, are sexually compatible, and love the same things when it comes to spending time. I admire the person he is and admires the person I am. He loves my children and they love him and that's extremely important to me.

We agree on many things about life (career, fidelity, morals, raising children, etc.). He is non-judgemental, calm, mature, and patient. We patience, forgiveness, and constant work are necessary to make a relationship work.

I can imagine myself from waking up with him to falling asleep next to him every day. I can imagine myslef in 10, 20, 30, 40 years with him and I love the thought about it. I adore him and he adores me.

 

I didn't make a mistake in my previous marriage because I didn't know my ex-husband well; it's because I didn't know myself well. I thought I could do and enjoy things that I hated. I thought I could be the person he wanted me to be. I denied my best qualities just be on his level.

 

This time I know myself and I am being truthful to myself about what I want in life. I want to grow old with him.

[Tamrick]

We are both committed to making it work. We have discussed most of the major decisions and even though we didn't agree on all of them we have managed to compromise on them - for example he wants two children and I said I want three, but I've decided to go with two cause really I just want children. He is Catholic, but has moved to a protestant church with me and we will raise our children protestant and the list goes on.

 

If there is a problem then we talk about it and come up with a reasonable workable solution - its all about give and take and so neither of us had had to compromise our morals or strong beliefs. If we fight we take time out for a day or so and then approach the problem when we are more calm - we do come back and talk about it without just forgetting we fought.

 

We have good conversations and understand each other - we are on the same level intellectually. Physically we are compatible (neither one of us is a giant or the other a dwarf)

 

Our differences seem to complement each other. Whereas I am more chaotic and spontaneous, he plans better and this works really well especially when we are on holiday, but also for most other things.

 

And finally we love each other very much and want what is best for the other person. I think we have an unselfish relationship.

[scratch]

Inspired by another thread, for those of us that are getting married, why do you "know" that it's right and you'll be together forever? (please say more than, "I just know...")

 

For those of you that think it's a load of crap to even think that, why are we wrong?

 

Bab, the reason you're wrong is because (almost) everybody who gets married feels they "know." However, divorce occurs at a statistically significant rate. It logically follows that a sizeable minority, and perhaps the majority, of people who feel they "know" at the point you're at are proven wrong. Hence the point that Outcast made earlier about innate conceit, i.e. "everybody may say they 'know,' but those people who turn out to be wrong are less self-aware and circumspect than I," or, even more arrogantly, "those people who turn out to be wrong don't (or can't) enjoy the depth or quality of love that I share with my partner."

 

Let me ask the corollary to your question:

 

To the people on this site who are divorced or seperated, how come you got married even though you didn't "know" it was right and that you'd be together forever? Were you unwilling to wait until you were sure? Did you not care to undertake the due diligence required to be sufficiently certain?

 

Personally, I've hoped that my serious relationships would blossom into marriage and a family. My actions showed a commitment to actualize that goal. But to assume knowledge of success is naive, at best.

 

I know people who swore they could beat the casinos, or the football point spreads, or the stock market, even though they acknowledged most people could not. They fold my clothes and bring me french fries.

[bab]

scratch--just wanted to point out that I also said:

I'll start, but first, let me say that I really believe that we'll make it, but repect the fact that I don't "know".

 

I am by no means saying that everyone that get's divorced didn't "know" just like I do. I would be interested to hear the answers to the questions you are really asking. Correct me if I'm wrong but would they be closer to:

 

In what ways were you naive about thinking that you were going to be able to make it? (this is why I want the "why are we being stupid" responses)

Do you feel like you invested enough time in preparation for marriage? Did your partner? What things would you do differently?

 

My main guess why marriages of people that "know" fail, is that people and relationships change. I guess I'm trying my best to prepare for that so that we can change together. I understand it's not 100% foolproof, but I "think" we're doing a good job. The reason I started this thread, although I guess I didn't make it clear, is because I want to see if there are things I'm missing. Am I going the extra mile to make it work? I don't know if I don't know where everyone else is starting from.

 

As a corollary to your questions....do nonsciency people use the word "corollary" on a regular basis? (not being a smarta$$, sometimes I can't remember the nonsciency use of words)

[Outcast]

My main guess why marriages of people that "know" fail, is that people and relationships change

 

I don't think that's as much the problem is that people remain the same but you don't know them that well. Respect is a critical aspect of a relationship and if someone has traits that would cause you to lose respect, like dishonesty, for instance, they'll hide it for a long time. When you finally start to see these traits, you realize that the person you thought you loved didn't exist - there were these other characteristics that were always there but you hadn't discovered them.

 

Remember, you can discuss until you're blue in the face but what people say they are and what they really are can be two different things. So right now your darling may say he's honest and trustworthy and fiscally responsible and many people have said that to their prospective mates; then after the marriage, people start seeing that their darlings don't live up to the sales pitch they got.

 

The only way you can sort out whether someone is what he or she claims to be is to spend enough time with that person for the truth to out.

 

The problem is that people with flaws are often in denial to themselves about those flaws; someone in a ton of debt may not think this is a bad thing and say that he's fine financially - then you get married and you're having to answer the creditor's calls that he never mentioned to you.

 

People don't change that much once they become adults; it's just that the people who marry them don't know them really well to start off with.

 

What can happen is that adversity may strike you and someone will take up less-than-recommended coping strategies like drinking but again, a person who is reasonably balanced and is able to cope with adversity earlier on in life is unlikely to become a drunk later in life so you need to sort out whether the person already has good coping strategies or not.

[k_lily]

It's about knowing HOW to make it work.

 

They're quite simple ideals like:

 

find common interests and grounds

not avoiding conflicts

men and women are NOT from different planets

and try to keep from doing these four things...

criticizing

having contempt

getting defensive

and stonewalling (blocking your spouse out wholy)

 

These are not new ideas just some of the ones people tend to forget (including me).

 

For those who aren't completely sure, stonewalling is a protection some people use when they start to feel flooded, or when a fight leads you tell feel attacked and overwhelmed and your system physically shuts down. It's not just an emotional reaction, it's been physiologically studied to show that it occurs when your pulse raises to high, and your blood pressure mounts, and your body eventually releases to much adrenaline in response.

 

Since I wouldn't feel right accepting these thoughts for my own, the obvious credit belongs to Dr. J.M. Gottman, PH.D. (author of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

[scratch]

scratch--just wanted to point out that I also said:

 

[i really believe that we'll make it, but repect the fact that I don't "know".]

 

I am by no means saying that everyone that get's divorced didn't "know" just like I do.

 

If I am understanding you correctly, you use the word "know" in something of a tounge in cheek way. Review the comments of others, especially in the thread leading to this one. The posters, by and large, did not acknowledge that they "really don't know." That's the problem I had with the discussion.

 

I would be interested to hear the answers to the questions you are really asking. Correct me if I'm wrong but would they be closer to:

 

In what ways were you naive about thinking that you were going to be able to make it? (this is why I want the "why are we being stupid" responses)

Do you feel like you invested enough time in preparation for marriage? Did your partner? What things would you do differently?

 

I think those are adequate ways to rephrase the questions, although I was framing them purposely to illustrate the hubris of an engaged couple claiming to "know" their marriage will work.

 

I understand it's not 100% foolproof, but I "think" we're doing a good job. The reason I started this thread, although I guess I didn't make it clear, is because I want to see if there are things I'm missing. Am I going the extra mile to make it work? I don't know if I don't know where everyone else is starting from.

 

I applaud your desire to succeed in your relationship. I have no reason to think that people who "know" it will work are more successful than people who think it will work. I do, however, think that people who are committed to making it work through good and bad times are most likely to find success.