but I hurt her - still lover her how do I get her back

[vikingruler]

So this is my first post on LS and really my first attempt to seek advice outside of a few sessions with a MC.

 

Here are the details of my relationship with my wife, I am going to try and be detailed so you see how hard and complex it is.

 

My wife and I were in the military 11 years ago, we met and married in 21 days. We soon after (3 weeks) found out we were pregant, I soon deployed oversees for several months, came back had our first daughter, then deployed again. At this time I had an online affair - mostly conversational but none the less a affair - my wife found out and I stopped and re-connected with my wife. Two years later we left the military, had a second daughter and moved to a new state. We both were 1000's of miles away from any family so it was just us. I stared a new job and being a dedicated worked and thinking that the harder I work the more I can get for my family I tended to be a workaholic. In our 4th year of marrige my wife was in contact with a old boy friend - a guy we was serious with before me a guy that went home one weekend and got married and then called her to say that all their plans were off because he was engaged and now married - well this same guy contacted my wife and started to have conversations with her, she found things that I wasn't providing and he was seducing her. I found their emails while I was out of town and my wife had asked me to go to florida with "a friend" what I knew and she didn't was that they were planning to meet their for a weekend. I immediately came home and confronted her with the information - she repented and swore she would never contact him again. Which I do believe. Now over the next several years we have had no real external problems with our relationship, but at the same time we have had no real relationship. Two years ago, while being very stressed and feeling that I was not getting what I needed sexually from my wife I visited a prostitute a couple of times in a few month period. I didn't want a emotional relationship but I wanted to satisfy my sexual needs, my wife always said I just wanted her for sex and all I thought she was is a piece of meat. I never thought that and find her very attactive - she is gorgous actually. So visited this prostitute and actually we talked about my family and I was always very positive - she said a lot of guys do that. Well last july my wife found an email from the girl and confronted me with it, feeling the guilt I told her about it and tried to answer all her questions. The day after she confronted me and still why she was devistated by me, her grandfather passed away. So we went to her home in NY and I tried to be there for her, we actually talked a lot and may some commitments to each other, but we never discussed any the root causes. We re-connected again, mostly sexually and it was great for a few months I was truely committed to my wife and thought everything was going well. Come 2 months ago Aug 27, a sunday my wife had gone out with her girlfriends the night before and got up really late - she was agitated and finally burst out that she wanted a seperation and want me away from her. She wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. I was hurt and feeling confused and frustrated with the why's.... that is when I started to do a self evaluation and started to see how I really was messing up... over the next few weeks we didn't talk much I moved into spare room upstairs in our house. We now have 3 daughters 10, 7 and 5. I started to look at what my wife had said, how I was missing things in the family life because I was focused on work and how I neglected the marriage and the family. I really had a water shed moment when I realized she was right and I need to fix things. One thing she asked before for me to fix and I didn't was porn - Iam now porn free for 2 months and I don't intend to go back.

 

Now is where it gettings interesting. About a month ago, a month into our seperation I still had no real contact with my wife, even though we lived in the same house (financially we have to) She seemed distant than ever and rarely while we were both home would we see each other. I started reading more website on adultery and infidelity and relationship problems and really started to take a honest and frank approach to the things I had to fix in me. I started to do more thing around the house, taking the kids to school and doing things for her that she didn't ask for. Now I got paranoid and suspcious at her lack of interest in my changes - and she seemed to be more upset with me. So in the month that we seperated she wanted to go out with the girlsfriends to get away - I supported that and had no worries about it. I then got suscpicous so I checked the phone bill, what I found is that she had been calling someone since the day we seperated in a month over 10 hours just on her cell phone alone. I had asked her before about meeting guys when they go out and she causually said she was hit on.

 

I was completely freaked out her I see that she was talking to someone for over a month, what really killed me it was in the evening and in the morning times that I was home with her so instead of me she talked to someone else.

I am pretty sure they never met besides the first time they met. I confronted her about the guy she said he was a friend, but then I tried to call him - here is the kicker I was going to tell him that if he is just a friend and wants to keep calling her that is okay with me - I so left him a very nice and polite voicemail saying that I love my wife and want the best for her. Well my wife flipped out said that he would never call her again because I contacted him. She acted as if I killed the pope. Made me think there was emotional connections there even though she said their wasn't.

 

We got really low and really ugly, I reached out to a MC that we have seen 5 times now. When she is in public she is very nice to me, when we are together at home its very different. I hear a lot of rhetroric from her about can trust me again and that I want out and that I can't change. I feel that she is putting a lot of things on me that are hers - not to say that I don't have a bunch of baggage myself.

 

So that is my life - I am commited to changing the things I find wrong with myself I have made great strides for the things I can fix, I can't get my wife to really open up.

 

Our MC has started to probe into her issues - her mother and father were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. So the MC told her that in cases like that the development one goes through stops at the age of the abuse so it started when she was 10... but my wife discount that and sees one liners like well all I am is a 10 yr old... So she is not taking serious the things she needs to look at in herself

 

So here is where I need some advice

 

- Do I standup and challenge her when she confronts me and makes me feel that I am the only one that did wrongs in our marriage

 

- She ask for space and time - but what if its so she doesn't have to deal with me and the situation

 

- I am sending here to disney world her favorite spot in the world to show her I care - but she says its a gift and shouldn't read anything into it... but she is still going (with a female friend)

 

- What can I ask for? I want to know if she really wants a divorce or is confused or is playing me.

 

- She says she wants to stay seperated indefinately, I am the bread winner and she has a self esteem problem. She wont make any decissions on what she wants so don't know what to do