ZQRXY Posted October 29, 2005 Share Posted October 29, 2005 My ex and I were friends for about two years before we started going out. We became really close friends and hung out a lot. We would be seeing other people, that never mattered because we were just friends. I started to think maybe I should take it to the next level, but I wasn't sure if I should. I needed a place to stay and my ex was living with her brother in a three bedroom house. She said that I could move in if I wanted so I took her up on that offer. I was 21 she was 22. About 2 weeks after I moved in I asked her if I could kiss her, she said yes, and we were together unitl now. We were living together ever since we were going out. We got engaged about three years after we started going out. We then planned a wdding and were supposed to be married in July of 05'. In March of 05' she called the wedding off. I was crushed, but we were really having a lot of problems in our relationship. In the beginning of this month Oct. 05' she left me. She moved out and took all her things. I have tried to ask her if I have a chance in the future but she says probably not. She says she wants to meet new people and see if she can find someone that makes her happy. I am crushed because I love this woman. The problems in our relationship arose because of drinking. We both liked to drink, but sometimes I would get out of control. I would lose my mind and actually verbally abuse her. I would just get wasted and remember nothing in the morning. The next day we would talk, and work things out and it wouldn't happen again for a little while, but it kept happening. This went on for about 2 years. She kept giving me chances to stop but I didn't. Finally it happened again. She said if I drink one more time, even one sip she was going to leave. I drank and she left. She has been gone for over three weeks now, and I have only drank once, last night for a Halloween party. I started going to the gym, taking long walks, focussing on my career and reading a lot. I am really enjoying myself right now. This breakup had to hapen for me to better myself as a person, and grow mentally. I have asked my ex if I can truly change, and become happy with myself, control my drinking could she ever find it in her heart to let me try and undue the damage. She says that the chances are slim and that it would be years before she would consider it. I am still going to work on things to better myself, but I love this woman and I want her in my life. I am 26 she is 27. Besides my drinking, and being controlling we had a great thing. I am coming to realizations now and am working with a phsychologist on my issues. I have not even spoke with my ex for a week. I am not going to cotact her until maybe thanksgiving. Do I have a chance in hell with this woman, and how should I go about approaching her to try and show her that I have changed. One of my friends says let her go and maybe try and talk in 6 months because she can't tell how she'll feel in 6 months. She says 2 years but who knows. Can someone give me some advice, and honesty about my chances with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
head/heels Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 feel your pain here....been through similar events, although didnt drink or anything, and didnt get a heads up, but she left all the same and it has been a year....my ex is, however, not the type to call even if she missed and wanted me back because she has no balls....but that is totally different and that was left so as to not get your hopes up! if your ex has any courage or has that little bit in her that says she wants to go out and get what she wants, you stand a chance of hearing from her again.... bc no contact gets any ex curious, curious as to what you are doing....how you are doing, and who you are doing! get me??? she will want to know y you havent called, showed up, talked to mutual friends about her!......so peak her interest by not calling contacting, even on thanksgiving if you can..... finally, you have to never drink again, i have a friend who left her husband bc he wouldnt stop drinking and when he would he would practically force her to have sex with him bc if she didnt he would bug her til she did or if she didnt he wouldnt let her sleep with bugging her ! dont be this guy, bc she still resents him for it! she left him.....and he is bitter and still doesnt think he had a drinking problem....anyhow, he told her he went to AA, but he didnt and so he just let her go....and didnt show her any reason to go back or try to work it out...... and, dont tell her how you have changed!! that never works!!! if you talk to her, dont "drop" all the changes you have made into your convo! it is a dead giveaway you want her back!....or want to show her how you have changed!....instead, if you have mutual friends, let them know (like if they call, say, oooo i am sorry, i have to go to the gym, or i have to go walk with so and so...lets do that later....or say, well i am not going out to the bars anymore....so that maybe it gets back to her that way!!!) do not think you have a smooth way of letting her know!!! believe me, it is only smooth in your head! not in reality, she will see right through it! and if she doesnt her gf's that she tells the story to WILL! so do NC, work on yourself, dont drink or you are an idiot and dont really love her anyway (besides, hasnt it done enough damage?) and go to AA or counseling bc you prolly need it to help you get through this hard time!!! it is not a flaw, it is showing great strength talking with someone! that is why you came here! but we are not doctors or therapists! so professionals might be best.....anyway, keep working out...and visit http://www.extreme-athelete.com to learn more about lifting...and nutrition! Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 You have made positive steps so far so continue not drinking / or drinking in moderation and seeing your councellor, cause you have issues you need to address. 3 weeks is way too fast to be so called 'changed' and 'happy'. This could take months or even years to achieve, but what ever you do dont put a time frame on it, and take one day at a time. Unfortunatley she is gonna have to see the change for herself, so its pointless telling her you are a changed man.. that will just fall on deaf ears. Make yourself better, and if she does have any genuine interest in you she will ask about you. If she hears you have cleaned your act up, you just never know.... But again I stress, dont put a time frame on this..cause it aint gonna happen overnight or in a few weeks.. could take quite some time. And in the case that she dosent come back, at least you have made positive changes for yourself and you will be more appealing to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted October 30, 2005 Author Share Posted October 30, 2005 Thanks guys. I realize this is going to take time. The time frame was more or less just when I think I should appproach her. I know it is to soon now, but I am really motivated to make some serious life changes. I just hope that in the future, she will give me a chance to show her how I have changed and give me a chance to make her happy. Who knows, I guess only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 Can someone else give some more advice, I really need it. I am totally broken up about this girl. I love her and want her. I realize she is probably going to find some guys and see, it bothers me a little, but I still love her and want to be with her forever. I could get over that in time if I got another chance. What do you guys out there think. Do I stand another chance? If she goes out with soemone else should I forget about it? Let me know. Thanx. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 She just sent me a text saying she was going to get the rest of her stuff from the house today, she would leave the engagement ring, and that she hopes I am doing well. Should I text back or do nothing at all? I want to but I am not sure if it is in my best interest. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 So here I go again posting my own reply, but with no one to talk to on Halloween I am feeling pretty lonely. My friend and I were supposed to hang out tonight, take a walk check out the town on Halloween. He said he would come over around 4:30. I called him no answer, called him again, no answer. He still has not called. My ex was coming to my house to get her stuff. When I talked to him earlier, he said he was going to go to lunch with her, as they have been friends for almost 20 years. He is not interested in her and I know this, nor is she interested in him, he has a lot of issues. But they are really good friends and like to go out and have fun. So I broke down and called my ex because she did not leave her set of keys for mt house which I asked her to do. I found out that my neighbor, my friend and my ex all went out to go have some drinks at a bar. My friend bailed me to hang out with another friend of his who happens to be my ex. I think this really sucks. I also found out my ex went to a halloween party and maybe hooked up with a guy. I think I am pretty much over it now though. She always said she was ready to setle down get married and have a family, but she left me because of my drinking. Now she is going out drinking all the time. Seems to me she was far from settling down. All she does is work and play. If she is not working, you can gaurantee she is going out. This is what she loves to do. Go out. I want something different in my life. I am going to forget about this woman who I loved so much. Who I hurt so bad, who is now hurting me so bad. What about my friend. How do I handle this new situation that has arisen. They were good friends long before I new either of them. Do I dump my friend because of this. Fu@#ing confused over here. Link to post Share on other sites
thefeature Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 I would definately call your friend on his behaviour because he has a responsibility to both of you but if he said he was going out with you, he should of. Or at least been clear with you about what he was going to do if his plans changed. As far as she is concerned she needs time. If she hooked up with a guy then so what? These are normally all rebound pulls/relationships and so only makes them realise that you are even better for them. Of course this isnt always true but my ex went out with some guy for 3 months then dumped him and was back telling me how much she missed me and he wasn't the same within the week. And you do need time, it sucks but its true. My ex did the whole going out drinking thing when we broke up and when we were together she never went out for 3 years I knew her! The shine and attention wears off after a while when they realise they are looking for something in the wrong place. Just get on with your life for now and keep making yourself better....you will get another chance when the time is right, and if you dont by then you shouldn't even care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 I know so what. It still hurts. She is totally fine living her life. Looking for something different and better. I am not going to contact her except for maybe on holidays, thanksgiving maybe, but probably christmas for sure. Or should I not do this. I really love her. I talked to her briefly today, because we have a boat, and I am selling it. I just asked her how she was, she said good. She seems totally distant and really not interested in talking, so I just talked business, said call me when you figure out if we are selling it, her dad gave the boat to us, she would split the money with me if I sold it. It is at my grandparents house. I feel as though my chances are slipping away. Is this normal? Are my chances for reconciliation going to get better with time? In six months of little or no contact, I plan on asking her if she wants to go for coffee. It might hurt after I see her, but how else can I show her the omprovements I have made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 Bumpin this up; would like some more responses. Please!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 I'm sure you mean well and you love her, but if YOU were her...would you come back? >She said if I drink one more time, even one sip she was going to leave. I drank and she left. She has been gone for over three weeks now, and I have only drank once, last night for a Halloween party. My first thought to this was, "You just dont get it do you?" I dont really have any insight because I can't really suggest she comes back to a possibly destructive relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 J Dub, thanks for responding. I appreciate your insight. I used to drink everyday. I did drink at a Halloween party, but it was in much moderation. I have not drank since, and probably won't for a while. I wanted to drink, and get out of the house. It was fun, and I did not get even close to being out of control. As time prgresses, I hope to be able to drink responsibly, I enjoy it. The hardest thing was that when she was telling me not to drink, she would actually drink right in front of me with friends, or leave me and go out drinking without me. This created tension. As I talk to people about this, they think if she really loved me she would have stepped up to the plate and not drink with me. But she did not do that. Anyways, whatever happens happens. I am improving myself, where as she is going out to bars getting drunk multiple times a week. She drinks everyday. She is going to have to change to ever get me back. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 Actually I was referring to when you said she asked you not to drink, and then you did anyway. >and probably won't for a while. Probably? That's comforting. > As time prgresses, I hope to be able to drink responsibly, I enjoy it. So...youre practicing til you get it right? >The hardest thing was that when she was telling me not to drink, she would actually drink right in front of me with friends, or leave me and go out drinking without me. I can understand it tempted you to see her drinking, but shes not the one getting sauced and then being abusive to you. As far as I'm concerned, she COULD have stopped to assist you in stopping as welll, but she didnt have to. >I am improving myself, By still drinking or "possibly" stopping right? >She drinks everyday. Thats awful, but again she's not being abusive... >She is going to have to change to ever get me back. She has to change, yet you havent. You still don't get what caused this in the first place I am afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZQRXY Posted November 6, 2005 Author Share Posted November 6, 2005 Your right, it is not her problem; it's mine. When you are in a relationship, it is up to both parties to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am working to try and change, it has been 15 years since it has been weeks in between drinks. It has probably been 15 years and counting since she took weeks between drinks. Abuse can be defind as neglecting a relationship. WHY DID SHE NOT STOP THEN??? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 >it has been 15 years since it has been weeks in between drinks. Thats great -- all the more reason to knock that sh*t off. >It has probably been 15 years and counting since she took weeks between drinks. Maybe her actions shouldnt be your prime concern at this point, considering it was yours that initiated her depart to begin with. >Abuse can be defind as neglecting a relationship. Abuse and neglect do not define eachother, they are entirely different. >WHY DID SHE NOT STOP THEN??? My guess is because she didnt have much motivation, considering you weren't stopping. Link to post Share on other sites
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