Joe

[Advice needed]

Well this sucks, one of my only friends and I are no longer friends after nearly 5 years of knowing each other. For so long I cared for her, wanting to be with her but only had that chance once when we first met nearly 5 years ago.

 

Throughout our friendship, I never did or said anything to upset her. If she made me mad, I wouldn't show it I would blow it off. If I didn't like something she did or said, I ignored it and didn't say anything.

 

She claimed her and I were best of friends, she said I was one of her best friends. However, I felt nothing was holding our friendship together. We talked like once a week, we never did anything nor saw each other. I felt as if I was just her backboard for when she had nobody else to talk to or nothing else to do.

 

For the last 5 years, I've been there for her through everything. Every time she needed to cry, I listened to her when she had troubled times and needed someone to talk to.

 

We got along ok, we never had any fights or anything. In the recent past she has been going out alot, every time she goes out it seems she has sex with some guy (different guy each time). The next day she'd always call me telling me all this as if I cared.

 

I didn't want to know because I cared about her. Anyway was told about how I felt, now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. She .. I don't know.. screw it I give up.. I can't talk about it

[Red]

Well this sucks, one of my only friends and I are no longer friends after nearly 5 years of knowing each other. For so long I cared for her, wanting to be with her but only had that chance once when we first met nearly 5 years ago. Throughout our friendship, I never did or said anything to upset her. If she made me mad, I wouldn't show it I would blow it off. If I didn't like something she did or said, I ignored it and didn't say anything. She claimed her and I were best of friends, she said I was one of her best friends. However, I felt nothing was holding our friendship together. We talked like once a week, we never did anything nor saw each other. I felt as if I was just her backboard for when she had nobody else to talk to or nothing else to do. For the last 5 years, I've been there for her through everything. Every time she needed to cry, I listened to her when she had troubled times and needed someone to talk to. We got along ok, we never had any fights or anything. In the recent past she has been going out alot, every time she goes out it seems she has sex with some guy (different guy each time). The next day she'd always call me telling me all this as if I cared. I didn't want to know because I cared about her. Anyway was told about how I felt, now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. She .. I don't know.. screw it I give up.. I can't talk about it

I'm sorry you've lost someone who you feel is important to you. However, you were not being honest with her and true to yourself. Was she ever there for you, when you needed someone to talk to? Was she supportive for you? You were for her, but friendship goes both ways, and if she wasn't returning the favor, then she wasn't a true friend. You were more of a safety net for her. Honesty is so important in any kind of relationship, and because you didn't want to hurt her feelings, you lied to her and yourself. It sucks, it's painful, and it's going to take a while before you start feeling remotely whole again. But now the ball is in her court; try to keep in touch if you feel you must, but be completely honest with her as well as yourself. If she cannot accept what you have to give her, then it is her loss, not yours. I have been there.

[sparkle]

Joe,

 

This is a time to be happy and put all this behind you. You have just gotten rid of a fake friendship. That is not something to be sad about.

 

This was not a true friendship at all, for the following reasons:

Throughout our friendship, I never did or said anything to upset her.

Real friends are not afraid of biting their tongue around the other person, and not saying or doing anything for fear of hurting that person. We do that around people we are not very close to. We do that to strangers on the street. But with our true friends, we are not afraid of speaking our mind.

If she made me mad, I wouldn't show it I would blow it off.

Real friends do not hold back their feelings from each other.

If I didn't like something she did or said, I ignored it and didn't say anything.

True friends do not just sit back and let the other person walk all over them.

However, I felt nothing was holding our friendship together.

The instant you felt that way was the instant you should have realized that this was not a friendship at all.

We talked like once a week, we never did anything nor saw each other. I felt as if I was just her backboard for when she had nobody else to talk to or nothing else to do.

You are 100% right. That is exactly what you were to her, someone she talked to just to pass the time away, someone she talked to when she had nothing else to do. I am sorry you did not realize this over the past five years, but I am glad that you finally see it now. (By the way, true friends actually see each other and spend time with them, and never EVER make them feel like they're just their backboard).

For the last 5 years, I've been there for her through everything. Every time she needed to cry, I listened to her when she had troubled times and needed someone to talk to.

Was she there for you through everything?

 

Was she there for you everytime you felt like crying?

 

Was she there for you when you had troubled times and needed someone to talk to?

 

Did you even tell her your troubles, your feelings, and what was on your mind?

 

I think not.

 

True friends share their problems and their true feelings with each other. They do not keep secrets. They share everything. And they know the balance between "give" and "take".

We got along ok, we never had any fights or anything.

True friends DO have fights. They DO have difference of opinions. They do NOT walk on tiptoes around the other.

 

In the recent past she has been going

out alot, every time she goes out it seems she has sex with some guy (different guy each time). The next day she'd always call me telling me all this as if I cared.

I am sorry to say this, but WHY DID YOU BRING ALL THIS UPON YOURSELF? Did it start bothering you after FIVE years of hearing this? Did you all of a sudden realize that it bothered you? If she told you one time, and it bothered you, you should have told her that you did not care to hear about her sexual adventures. Period. If she started telling you another day, you should have repeated this, and ended the conversation.

 

Real friends are not afraid of telling the other person if they do not wish to talk about certain subjects. And real friends respect the other person's wishes by ending an uncomfortable discussion.

Now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Thank God! Get down on your knees, clasp your hands together, and thank God for finally bringing an end to this phony friendship.

 

After five years of taking this crap from her, take a step back and re-evaluate your friendship with this person. Yes, she might have been a wonderful person that you truly cared about and were attracted to, but she was not your friend. End this relationship with her, and get away from her. Be happy for what you had with her, but now raise your shoulders, hold your head up, and walk away like a man.

 

You have spent the past five years still hoping and wanting to be with her. You have put your own life on hold for this girl. If she wanted to be with you, she would DEFINITELY have told you within the first 6 months. For whatever reason things did not work out, 5 years of talking to her was not going to change a single thing.

 

I am sorry for your "loss" of a so-called friend. But I think this is a good time to see that what you had was not even a real friendship.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

Sparkle was right in everything she said. But YOU were just as phoney and fake a friend as your lady buddy.

 

You cared about this girl in a special way yet you pretended to be her platonic friend. You actually allowed somebody you cared about to tell you about the guys she screwed. Now that's downright crazy.

 

It is absolutely fraudulent to represent yourself to somebody as being their friend when you want more.

 

You could have cut this way short by being upfront the minute you started to have feelings for her. Maybe at that time she would have been open to something. More than likely you would have found out she was a lowdown user. Or like everything else, maybe you would have let that go right over your head.

 

The reason this chick could not get turned on to you is that you were privy to so much of her private life...she probably couldn't figure out what kind of man would stick around and listen to her talk about her sex with other guys if he really cared about her. She is probably pretty pissed. But she's also still a user. She is not your friend and probably never was. I know that's painful but, as sparkle said, you were better off for knowing this.

 

Unfortunately, she was a big phoney. If she was really your friend but had no romantic feelings for you, she would have worked through this with you and got the friendship back on track.

 

But from the sound of it, you had every hint that she really didn't care much for you except as a reserve, someone to use and take up her time when there was nothing better to do.

 

Start thinking more of yourself. Start feeling you deserve better.

 

Somehow, underneath all this, I have the feeling you are scared as hell of a real, authentic relationship...with intimacy. There is no good reason for having the kind of relationship you had with a girl you really cared about unless you were scared as hell.

 

If you don't want to go through something like this again, see a counsellor and find out why you do this to yourself. I mean, it is the absolute apex of masochism to listen to a girl you have special feelings for talk about guys she's gone to bed with. That's really sick stuff there.

 

Find out why you are terrified of being in a genuine, healthy relationship with someone who cares about you. Staying around somebody five years, without expressing your feelings and watching them go through other guys romantically, is pretty nuts. Gawd, I can't even imagine doing that if I were paid big bucks.

 

So, as I see it, you were more at fault here...a lot more...than your phoney lady friend. You misrepresented yourself, just as she did, and you stuck around pretending to be happy and content the way things were when you actually weren't. You had control over yourself and you did nothing.

 

I also have a feeling you came from a very repressive or dysfunctional family background where expressing feelings was discouraged or forbidden. Do what you can to heal this aspect of yourself and in all things be honest. In this case, you weren't honest with yourself...so how could you possibly expect to be in an honest friendship?