ko773 Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 I need to understand her feelings. Any advice is sincerely appreciated. Here's a little background on us and her. She's my first love, but my second relationship. I'm her first love and first relationship. She's a very emotional person. A Cancer (Deeply emotional and intuitive, and your top concern is family. Something of a homebody, you prefer to stay in rather than go out on the town. You can be moody, drawing into your protective shell if things get too intense around you.). Describe her perfectly. She is very blunt and very honest (thats the truth). So here goes..... At the begining of this year, we've had our ups and downs, mostly downs. Her mother and I were friends, but after she told me that I wasn't welcome in her house anymore, the fight between me and my girlfriend became a daily routine, all most. We would argue mostly about her mother. But we both agreed that it wasn't my fault. When we do fight, a couple of times were intense, but nothing major. At the end of it, we never really worked things out because at that time, her family were visiting from Paris. I didn't want to be selfish, I gave her what she requested - to spend time with her family and to see me less until they leave. They stayed for about 5 months. She would only see me about 4 times per month. Once her family left, another came along for a month visit. Again, she asked that I give her time to be with her family. But we still saw each other almost once a week. Suddenly, she would call and ask questions like, "If I leave to another place, would you follow me?" Yes, was my reply. Another day came and she would ask, "If I gotten drunk and kissed on a guy but I didn't mean to, would you be mad at me?" My reply were Yes but I'd be understanding. Then two days later, she wanted to see me in person and I could hear her desperation. That night, she confessed that she contemplated on giving this guy at work a hug and a kiss. As she explained it, was because out of appreciation that he was giving her an attention inwhich she enjoyed it. She said they only talk casually six times at work. But when ask what you find interesting in him, she said she doesn't know. I was hurt, angered and disappointed. But after a long talk, she assured me that she still loves me with all her heart and that she still wants to be with me but that time wasn't the right time. This was in September. She said she feels like she couldn't be committed to be 100% right now. So for September, I let her go because she requested a break. Told her that if we were meant to be, she'll come back to me. Though she would call, once a week to see how I was doing. I would call too, to see how she's doing. I later found out that for September, she actually went out 3 times with this guy. But nothing more. She also later said, she wanted to see how it feels like to be with someone else that wasn't me. She said when they were out, she would talk about me to him and when she would to me about him, she would make fun of some of the things he do. October comes and on the first Sunday, she calls out of the blue, early too - 6:45am. Said that she felt stupid for letting my love go and that she wanted to work things out. I ask if we're officially working things out now, she said yes but she wanted to take things very slowly. For the first 3 weeks of October, she was very kind, very "lovey dovey." She would call me almost twice a day and at times, would text me just to say good night or good morning. Suddenly on the 3rd week, her mood has shift. She was somewhat annoyed by me and suddenly says she wants to be with me, but not right now. I was confused, I was angered, but I didn't show it. I asked if this has anything to do with this guy, she said no, she hasn't talked to him or made eye contact since September. My girlfriend is very truthful and I had confirmed it with her coworkers. She works at an airport. I didn't return her calls for about 4 days. This past week I decided to pick up her calls, she suddenly wants to hang out with me and when we do, she would sit and stare (hard) throughout the night. Once our little date was over, she would call and say that she's still feels very confortable around me and it was a pleasure to hang out with me again. We would never talk about what had happen, just kept it basic, like it was a first date. This past Saturday, she called again and asked if I can hang out with her and her cousin who was intown from Michigan. She did the same thing; stare throughout the entire night. And when I wasn't around, she would tell her cousin, "I really really miss him" and "I really really love him." Once our little outting was over, again she would call to tell me that it was a pleasure to see me. I would say Thank you, hang up the phone and wouldn't answer her calls for 3 days. Don't get me wrong, I still love her, miss her dearly and probably still inlove with her. She would call and call. I know this is a game but when I do pick up her call, we would talk, 2-3 hours at most. Mostly talking about everythinig and nothing, and even about our feelings. She would write me emails and would say stuff like, "I love you wtih all my heart, I care about you and I miss you so much. I want to be with you, but lets take it really slow. You are uncomparable to anyone. You have my heart so don't worry. etc..." My question is, is this a start of good things to come? Should I keep our talks plain and simple and wait til she wants to talk about our feelings and relationship? I feel as if she's coming back to me, but only half way. She told me there's noone else she's talking to and that I'm her biggest priority beside herself and her family. Why is it that one week, she wants to be with me, but another week, wants to be with me, but not right now, then suddenly calls to hang out? I feel confused, I told her but she would say things to reassure me and would say we'll be fine. Can someone explain to me with she's really trying to do????? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Why is it that one week, she wants to be with me, but another week, wants to be with me, but not right now, then suddenly calls to hang out? That's how the 'falling out of love' process works. Its like a long, slow downward slope. At the top of the slope is 'crazy in love' - where you literally can't and don't want to be apart from the person. Then, as that wears off - one of two things will happen. The relationship will deepen into a more enduring sort of love - the type where you find you like each other and are compatible and comfortable with one another regardless of that infatuation, or... it goes the other way and when the infatuation/love/etc. wears off you find that you aren't as compatible or as comfortable as you thought. You find yourself wanting more time to yourself away from the other person. Your life as an individual becomes prioritized over your life as a couple. You start getting a wandering eye. This is the time people cheat - and when someone admits a 'truth' - you can be rest assured that the first 'truth' is NEVER the whole truth. I'm quite sure there is more going on with her than she will admit - she'll only tell you what she knows she can get away with and still assure herself that she was 'truthful' with you, but that is beside the point really. The half-full aspect is what allows her to 'love' you, and the half-empty part is what allows her to cheat on you. Seriously, you can't really trust a person on the way out to tell you the truth when there is still something they want to hold on to. The cheating though, is pretty much beside the point in the grand scheme of things - its not a cause, rather a symptom of the process. Now, the tricky thing about a long slow slope is that it is a long process - and as time goes by, falling out of love is like a pinhole leak in a twenty gallon tank. Every day that goes by is less, but ... there is still a great deal there. Eventually it will leak to zero, but when the tank is half full still - you have a person who is doing what your g/f is doing: she is holding on to what still makes her happy (and will continue to make efforts to see that you don't get away), while simultaneously accepting that it is also on the way down. Right now, there is enough left in the tank so to speak for her to want to hold on to - she can still make promises about the future because of that 'half full' tank. Understand though, that her promise made today on a half-tank is a promise broken tomorrow or next week, or a month from now when that tank gets down even lower. You cannot invest a future on a dwindling account. What can you do? You can't fill that tank back up. Anything you do to try will just make it leak out faster - trust me on this one. The harder you fight against it ending, the faster it will end. Only she can fill it back up, and its apparent that she is working more on letting it leak slowly than she is filling it back up. All you can do is sit back and see where she goes with it. Keep offering her your best (those things that keep the tank filled), and withdraw your worst (those things that make it leak faster). You'll have to play it very careful here. Make yourself the guy she wants to choose to stay with - the guy she fell in love with, not the guy who drives her away by trying to make her stay in a relationship that she is slowly checking out of. Stop discussing the relationship, and its future - that is doing nothing but making her feel pressured, obligated and guilty for how she is feeling (or not feeling, as it were). If she tries to talk to you about it, tell her that you are fine and happy and that you just want to spend your time talking about and doing fun stuff - not having draining "relationship talks". She'll be relieved. Just be friendly, happy to hear from her, and try to focus on fun and positive things. Any arguing, negativity or anything that can even be perceived as pressure by her will be a straw on an already weak camel's back. If you prefer a quick death to a long slow lingering one - then simply tell her that you cannot handle this and go to 'no contact'. Link to post Share on other sites
downcydeguy Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 LB is absolutely right about this one. Your g/f (or ex?) has cheated on you already. She told you about "him" to sound like she's being honest. My experience with this exact thing: G/f broke up with me for about a month. She called me the day I got back in town from work and asked me to come see her. She told me that she met a guy at a party and they ended up making out. She then says that after he left, she went to her room and cried about it. WELL, I find out a few weeks ago (this happened around March and we were back together till recently) that she was actually dating this guy for a little while! And some of that time was while we were still together! And yes, she did sleep with him. Anyway, my point is that LB hit the nail on the head about her speech to you. I feel terrible for saying this but it's time to move on my friend. She will string you along until someone better shows up. I do have one question for you though. How old is she? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ko773 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 She's 21, about to turn 22. I'm 25. Just some updates, if this make any difference. We've been talking a lot lately. Usually for about 3 hours at most. She said that she feel stupid for always pushing away something good to happen in her life. She is making the effort and I do see progress. Emotionally she likes to run and hide when something bad comes along. This time, she's been very talkative to me but no one else. I have never pushed her to talk about our relationship or what had happened. I would always try and keep it simple. But she's the one bringing it up now and it's a good thing. She said its making her feel better to talk to me about it. She wants to see me because we had only saw each other twice within the last two months. Those were just talks. This time its something like a date. It was her idea too. She mention last night when we talked that her fear was that I might not have enough patients for her and that I will leave. Thank you for your input LucreziaBorgia and downcydeguy. I am taking it into consideration, but I do want to stick around and see what happens in the next month or so. We've talked for about a year before we even started being together. So I have enough patients to go around. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 She's 21... No wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
cj_gal Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I dated a cancer for 6 months...they are like that..they are a different breed..it has been 2 years now since we broke up and we are really good friends...but it took alot of ups and downs and both of us to see us dating other people and made us realize..maybe we were just meant to be friends for life..sometimes those friends are the best.. Get on with your life..I went too long hoping and lost out on alot of great guys...let her go..and end your hurt..You'll find someone who is just right for you...good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
downcydeguy Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 West told you all you need to know...she's the dreaded 21!! You need to stay away from her til she's 23... Link to post Share on other sites
unintentional Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 It does seem that Cancer's are like that.. My exboyfriend (that Im still infatuated with, by the way..) is a Cancer.. He doesn't feel we belong together "right now"...AND he always had ups and downs like that..where he would keeping flipping back and forth between "oh I love you so much, I never want us to grow apart.." to "I dont want to do this right now, it doesn't feel right...not this time." AND IT TORE ME APART!! AND IT STILL DOES.. So, Now..Im told to stay away from Cancers...which seems to be pretty difficult lately..Im practically surrounded by them.. Every day I sit around and hope, wish, and pray that my Cancer boy will come back into my arms and sight and know that he wants me...I hope he'll realize what he's leaving behind..Because I dont think he has yet..I just hope he does... You see, I dont think you want to end up like me..broken up with the cancer and still waiting hoping they'll come around. Im so deep into it I cant see my way out... I think the advice other's are giving you is very good advice...Im trying all of it right now...I hope things get better. For the both of us. GOOD LUCK!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ko773 Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Well, I gave her another chance because she's showing me that she's making an effort and there is a bit of progress, and she's taking a different approach to this. She wants go hang out with me, like a little date, but at the same time, she still need some more time. She's saying its just that her feelings need to recoup and assure me that there's noone else and hope that I'm not thinking that way. Is that even a good sign or what? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Is that even a good sign or what? Its not good or bad. It is 'same old same old'. Its about as good as you will get right now. Just keep it to her pace, and do not push - even an inch - to spend more time with her. Let her initiate all the 'hanging out', let her do all the contacting. If you try to do any initiating, she will decide she needs "space". That would be a bad sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ko773 Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 Thanks LucreziaBorgia, I am taking your advice into consideration. I'm just trying to keep it plain and basic with her. Not too much contact but enough to keep her wondering what I'm thinking and doing. I have not made the effort to contact her nor initiate any hanging outs. Link to post Share on other sites
downcydeguy Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 If you're happy with this process, ok. I think she's stringin' you along to be honest. Sorry so harsh but I'm goin' from both personal experience and many messages on this board. I think you might want to consider moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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