I am going to do NC with my wife.

[tonyp56]

Well, I've had enough, enough pain, enough anger, enough being destroyed. I have decided to go a month without any contact with my wife, her family, and the one that hurts the most my kids. I can't have contact with my kids without contact with my wife, and I can't stand it right now. I need some time to move on, and I need some time to fix me.

 

My anger and pain is getting in the way of enjoying being with my kids, and I find myself letting my anger, pain, hatred towards my wife, etc. out towards my kids, and I know that isn't right. So, I want to take a month off, not because I don't want to be with my kids, but because I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be fine, and be dying inside, I can't pretend not to be angry and be boiling over, and over all, I know that I need some time to heal.

 

My kids are my life, and I love them, that is the reason why I have to do this. I have to fix things in my life, get the feelings out, and most of all, not be put in a position to be hurt anymore. I honestly hate my wife now, she doesn't care about me, she don't even understand the pain I am going through, and I hate her family, for tossing me to the side, for acting like I mean nothing to them. So I can't trust any of them to bring me the kids, or pick up the kids, and therefore my only choice is to have NC.

 

What set me off, well, lots of things, but the last thing was my wife's family. Last night, she text-ed me saying she got our son's meds, so I called and asked when she would be bringing them to me, which she said, "Later, I am busy" I asked where are you, and she said at one of her family members. Well then I find out that it was a Halloween party for KIDS, and that her aunt asked her to come. But didn't bother to call me and even ask me if I'd bring the kids over. Then I asked if her new man was there, and she said yes. Which did it, and I hung up on her. Her family is so excepting of her new man, and they act like I am nothing. I thought they had become part of my family, but now I see it was nothing but lies. They are all a bunch of two-faced, back stabbing, hypocrites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I called her back and said I don't want to see you 2nite, and she asked why. Told her and she didn't understand why it would bother me. Lets see, you are still married to me, you've only been gone for 7 weeks, and well it isn't right! But she still didn't care, and so I hung up with her.

 

Anyways, that was it, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I decided the best thing for me was to get away from the situation before I hurt someone! (her, her new man, or someone in her family) I know that i need to fix ME, and I can't do that if I am reminded about my pain EVERYDAY, or even once a week. I need a break, I don't want to, but I know that i have too.

 

 

Thanks, sorry so negative, but I really am sick of it all.

[scobro]

I hear you tony.You have to do no contact or you will drive yourself crazy.I have done that with my wife and it's the best thing I did.Its only been 2 weeks but I feel I have gone forward two steps but when I saw her (because she wants to see our dodgs at my place)it put me 3 steps back so I ignore her calls and e-mails if she calls me at work I hang up if it's her.It is the only way to get over the situation and move on.In your case it is harder because you have kids so you have to see your ex at some point.My ex still wants to see my daughter(her step daughter) but she can arrange that through my daughter not me. I want nothing more to do with her.

The family of your ex is just like my inlaws they never so much as a phone call to say they were sorry to hear or how I was doing nothing.My mother in law used to call me her second son her family really disapponted me also.hang in there and good luck with NC.

[Ladyjane14]

I can certainly understand having a bad day, but going into a NO CONTACT situation with your kids??? How're you going to explain that to them?

 

Getting into a minimal contact situation with your wife and with her family is probably a good idea right now. You're taking on damage as a result of contact with her, and having a hard time holding onto your love for her.

 

Bailing on your kids is NOT a good idea. It's going to set a really poor precedent if you get into court with her. You'll come off looking bad. But even worse than that.....it's potentially damaging for your children to have their Daddy pull a Houdini on them.

 

Your wife's family is naturally going to be supportive of her. That's just a 'blood is thicker than water' kind of thing. If one of your children makes a muddle of their marriage later in life....are you gonna write that child off? Of course not.

 

It's not pleasant, but the situation is what it is. You can let it beat you, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off....and deal.

[Trimmer]

Yeah, Tony - I'm with LJ. You can't do this to your kids. Go NC with your wife and her family, but when kids are involved, wow, you are just punishing them (innocents) for the problems you are having with your wife. As the situation gets more difficult, they need more love and support from their parents, not less; what you are proposing would yank that out from beneath them. They need to be reassured that they are not any part of causing this, and your actions would convince them of just the opposite. I realise that LadyJane's question, "How're you going to explain that to them?" is rhetorical, but I'll answer it by saying, there's nothing you can do to explain it to them, because this will be the beginning of the destruction of their trust in you, so nothing you could say would make any difference.

 

Take a deep breath - maybe even take a whole day or more before you commit to a course of action - and really think about what you are proposing here. Regardless of what is happening with your wife, your bond with your kids should be inviolable. It may hurt, it may take great strength, but we, as parents, owe them that.

 

I have sometimes thought, if my kids were in a car wreck, or a fire, or were being threatened somehow, how far would I go to protect them? And I always conclude that I would do anything, up to and including sacrificing my own life. Well, your kids are heading for a train wreck, and you need to step up.

 

In NC with your wife, you may need contact regarding the kids; don't say a single word that strays from "kid business", and keep the kid business cordial and businesslike. Be cool and calm, don't give in to hostility, sarcasm, anger, curiosity, or any of that, and focus on the absolute minimum communication you need to keep things smooth for the benefit of the kids.

 

Tony, have you checked out getting into some individual counseling? Mine has helped me start to get past dwelling on what my stbx is doing and focus more on what I need to do to move into the future, and also to vent my anger in a safe way so that it doesn't infuse my dealings with my stbx, which is important for the kids.

 

If you're at the point where you're considering cutting off the kids, I think it's time for some IC. I'm not normally this forceful in my posts, but I just don't think the concept of "NC" should include kids.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wait a minute?? You so worried about yourself that you're going to go NC with your kids?? Where is the logic in that???

 

That's selfish. You can't stand it because her family supports her and she has a new man so you'll just quit talking to the kids???

 

WTF????

 

Let me tell you what to do to take the focus off her and make it about the kids. Have only contact with her about the kids.

 

Don't ask where she is, who she is with, what she is doing. Only make contact with her about having the kids or the visitation schedule with the kids. Do not ask her any personal questions and you won't get the answers that you don't want to hear.

 

Secondly, get yourself some IC- QUICK. LJ is right- if you do this- you will lose when you go to court. That's a given. Beyond that you will be damaging those kids. They are going to think that it's THEIR fault that their dad is not talking to them! You cannot explain to them it's because their mom has a boyfriend or whatever- they do not need to be caught in the middle of this.

 

Everyone else was more nice to you than I'm going to be on this one. Suck it up- pull your pants up- and buck up for the kids. Keep your contact to only about the kids- no matter what she's doing- and you'll be fine. As parents we have to do things we don't want to do and this is one of them.

 

Geeze!

[cranium]

My anger and pain is getting in the way of enjoying being with my kids, and I find myself letting my anger, pain, hatred towards my wife, etc. out towards my kids, and I know that isn't right.

 

I know how you feel and I have been guilty of the same. Kids are easy targets. Find a better outlet. Go to the gym, chop wood, hell..run wind sprints...anything to find a release. Try yoga, but do not go NC with your children.

 

I agree with the last three posts - keep contact with your wife to "kid business" only. Also, where your children are concerned, don't weigh them down with "mom & dad business". Let them be children and enjoy this time with them; it will be gone before you know it.

 

Take care

[tonyp56]

I have got to ask everyone here if I was a drug addict and I had to "go-away" for 30 days to go to rehab, would you all be like this? I say, I need to fix me, I say I need to move past my wife and you all act like I am running out on my kids.

 

First of all, I never said I wanted to bail on my kids, I said that I don't want contact with the wife and because of that, I will most likely not be having no contact with my kids. I can't be with my kids without her being there some way or another. Everytime I am around her (talk, see, here about, etc.), these feelings come back to the surface, and I am once again mad, depressed, etc. all over again. This stops me from being anything but a pissed off, depressed, tired, and well not worth a damn father.

 

I have been thinking about this the last few days, and I've come up with a few people that I can get to call my wife, set up a time and day, and they go over and pick up the kids and I get them from them. After I spend some much needed time with my kids, I take them back over to their house and my wife comes and gets them there. Trust me when I say, I have thought about this from every angle, and the only thing I am not sure of, is how I answer the phone when my wife calls like I know she will. I don't have a problem with her calling, after all she deserves to know how her kids are, but like I said, I don't want to talk to her. So, the best I can think of, is maybe I call someone else tell them everything is ok and have them call my wife.

 

The problem with this, at some point people are going to get tired of being middle men, and I may not get to see my kids like I want. I have 2 or 3 people lined up, and trust me, I have been thinking about this before I decided to do NC with the wife. When I posted this thread, I didn't know how I would do it, so I said I'll have no contact with my kids. But I can't even go a few hours without them without going crazy, so trust me when I say I will figure out something so that we can be together a few hours every other day (if not more)!

 

Ladyjane,

 

If my daughter moved in or allowed a man that wasn't her husband to move in with her when she was still married to someone else, I'd still love her, but I would at least tell her she is wrong. Her mom for instance said "good for you!" To know that a family member is doing something wrong, but not to at least tell them that you disapprove is wrong. If your child was a drunk or drug addict, would you not tell them they need help, or at least it is wrong what they are doing? Why would it be normal for a family to allow their child two weeks after leaving her husband, bring her new boyfriend into their home? I don’t care how bad my daughters husband was, I would tell her, “I love you no matter what, but he (new boyfriend) is not to step a foot into my house, you can come over anytime you want, but he is not welcomed until YOU get a divorce from your husband.”

 

That is all I was looking for from them, I didn't want them to pick my side, I just didn't want them to accept him and her behavior! I have found out that a few of her family members don't like what she is doing, but what good is that if you don't speak up. All I wanted is for them to put their foot down and say "you are wrong, we love you, but you are wrong and he is not welcome in our family functions until you actually get a divorce." But instead, it seems as though it is "come on over, we want to meet your new love, who's your husband, screw him, good for you." That hurts coming from people that I over the years loved and looked at as if they were apart of MY family. They (her and her family) have thrown me away, without even a second thought!

 

Thanks, and I am not bailing on my kids, I will figure out a way to be with them.

[Mz. Pixie]

The difference is here Tony, is that this is not a drug or alcohol problem. You are NOT addicted to this person. You just feel like you are.

 

You feel that you can't control her- she's dating and such. You can't control her family- and all of this bothers you so you want to try and control the only thing that you can.

 

Do you have a cell phone?? If you do and she does, communicate by text message. That is what my ex and I did. It helped. Other than that, have a designated time to pick up your kids. If she calls, hand the phone straight to the kids.

 

Don't make this about you. This is about them. Work on yourself when you do not have the kids.

[tinktronik]

Hi Tony, I am divorced and had a pretty rocky one durring the last year of sorting things out.I too have the little people, I know its hard with the kids going back and forth when you have to talk to your ex.It probably IS a good idea to go NC with your wife.But you need to figure out what about your kids.My solution was this...When my kids went to their dads at first he just wanted to argue when Id call for them.So I bought a prepaid cell phone , justa couple hundred bucks $200. I think It cost $30 a month to keep enough min on it and stuck it in the kids bags ,Explained to them that this was their phone ,set no outgoing calls ,and no one else even Daddy was to anwser it.That way I could call them without the arguing with Dad.My boys were quite young the oldest being 4 at the time but could figure out how to anwser the phone and pass it around to his brothers.

Also me and my ex always met at a public place to do kid drops, no making scenes at Mc Donads .So there are ways around NC with kids. Oh and youll come off smelling golden for being such an adult !

[Trimmer]

First of all, I never said I wanted to bail on my kids, I said that I don't want contact with the wife and because of that, I will most likely not be having no contact with my kids

I'll admit, I never got the impression that you wanted to bail on your kids. However, not to stuff your nose in it, but you did say in the first paragraph of your original post:

I have decided to go a month without any contact with my wife, her family, and the one that hurts the most my kids.

 

I have decided to go ... without any contact with ... my kids.

 

That's the statement that I think made all our eyes pop out, and that's why we all jumped. Now, having said that, I'm glad you're looking for ways to make it work out.

 

Here's another way to look at things. I bet we'll all agree with your basic proposal to do NC with your wife. And that probably also means NC with your wife's family. However, you will still need to have some kind of contact with the mother of your children, and probably also incidental contact with the family of the mother of your children. Use your mental powers to practice looking at them that way; not your wife, but the mother of your children. Not your wife's family, but your kids grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

 

For now, go NC with your "wife", but consider how you can deal with her ONLY as the mother of your children, and as minimally as possible. It's like a business relationship where you both have a stake in the same beneficial outcome - the good of the children. DON'T allow your wife into that partnership, any more than she would need to be in a business meeting you might have. If your wife walked into a meeting you were having at work, you wouldn't yell and scream at her to leave and make a big scene, but you would politely ask her to leave before continuing your business.

 

Likewise, with her family, any perceived slight against you is a function of their standing as your wife's family. I know this is part of what hurts, but it is a fact: you are not a family member, you are the husband of a family member. Accept that, then move past it - cast them out for now, in their roles of "wife's family." However, they are still your kids grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc...

You said:

...I hate her family, for tossing me to the side, for acting like I mean nothing to them. So I can't trust any of them to bring me the kids, or pick up the kids...

I understand how you might feel hurt, but how does this determine their trustworthiness to pick up or deliver the kids? Do you really feel that your kids are not safe in their hands, or are you letting your feelings about your "wife's family" cloud your ability to deal with your kids grandparents, aunts, and uncles, even when it could be to the benefit of your kids?

 

Then, think about how you will deal with her - think of specific examples and how you might deal with them. Consider things you might say to her, and whether they are good or bad:

 

"...is your new man there?" -NO! it will not help you or your kids for you to ask this or know the answer.

 

"...where are you going?" This doesn't matter unless it pertains directly to you picking the kids up - and if that's the case, a better question would be "where will we meet to drop off the kids?"

 

"...when will you be home? ...who will you be with? ...what are you thinking? ...how do you feel?" you get the point - all irrelevant questions to your care of your kids.

 

Also, practice what you might say in response to the Mother of Your Kids if she strays from her role back towards being your wife, so you are prepared for some possibilities:

 

MYK: "Why are you calling?"

YOU: "I'm just checking on the kids." or "I want to say good night to the kids." or whatever.

 

MYK: "What are you doing tonight?" (if you don't have the kids)

YOU: "Actually, I called to coordinate picking up the kids tomorrow..."

 

MYK: "Why are you so cold all of a sudden?" or "why won't you talk to me", etc...

YOU: "Well, really, I'm only focusing on the kids and what's best for them." (DON'T take this as an opening to say anything about about your marriage, etc...)

 

MYK: "Don't you trust me?" (baiting you... don't bite!)

YOU: "I trust you will do what is in the best interests of the kids, and I will do the same."

 

You know her better than we do, so you probably have an idea of the kinds of things she might say, whether just incidental comments, or whether she would take the opportunity to try to bait you into an argument, etc... Consider how things might go, and write down some scenarios, then come up with some calm, reasoned responses that keep the focus on the kids in a healthy way. Don't let yourself get dragged down. If she hits you with something you haven't considered, STOP, think, think of her as the mother of your kids, or as someone interrupting a business meeting, then formulate a calm response that ONLY brings the discussion back in the direction of the kids and their care.

 

Finally, I'll make another plea for getting yourself some IC. I know we're talking about money here, but you are carrying a lot of anger, you are concerned that it might be spilling over into your relationship with your kids, you are focusing on issues that could probably be worked out as not really primary to your situation (e.g. lack of familial support from your in-laws), and you've even talked about the possibility of hurting someone. None of us here is a counseling professional (or at least, will admit to it...) and you should really get some professional assistance for yourself, and for the sake of your kids. Figure out some way to make it happen.

[tonyp56]

Thanks everybody for the comments and suggestions. Please believe me that I WILL spend time with my kids, one way or another.

 

Trimmer,

 

Thanks for the suggestions, I'd say, believe me when I say, when I posted my thread, I had no idea how to have contact with my kids. The reason why I said, NC with my kids, is because at the time, I didn't know of anyway to have contact with them. I have worked out the how, I just need a little more strength to deal with the situation.

 

On getting help, well I've tried, and believe it or not, getting away from her has helped me let go. I will do what you said, I will change my relationship with her from her being my wife to just being the mother of my children. I think that will make a difference.

 

Anyways, thanks everyone, and I will have contact with my kids (few hours every other day, and over night couple days a week).

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know if you've read Devildog's thread....but it was heart-breaking to see the loss and sense of abandonment that he felt when his in-laws decamped.

 

He loved them alot. It was obvious in his posts, because he felt the betrayal so keenly.

 

The good news is....that even though it's difficult....he's displaying a very positive outlook these days.

 

You'll get there too. When you're at the bottom, there's no place to go but UP, right? It just takes time.....and patience.

 

Minimal contact with your wife is a good thing right now. You won't need to maintain it forever, so don't worry about asking for some help from your intermediaries. You'll get stronger, and contact with her won't hurt like it's hurting now. So, don't worry about indisposing your intermediary on a permanent basis.

[Trimmer]

Tony - I know you'll get it figured out. I wish I had some more clever, insightful thing to say than that, but all I can think of at the moment is, I believe in you. The kids are worth it.

 

You mentioned letting go.... that was so much the turning point for me. (If you talk the language of the phases of loss, that would be "acceptance"...) A lot of the anguish, paranoia, spying, and all this wierd stuff that was going on with me, I later realized, was partly an attempt to keep some kind of connection with her, no matter how pathological. Once I really realized it was over, and I let myself let go, I became immeasurably sad for a while, but also much more peaceful, and I've got to tell you, peaceful sadness feels much more healthy than sarcastic, hostile anger. And that change opened the door a crack and let in some hope for the future which is still blossoming.

 

I don't know what to tell you about how to get there, but have faith that things can and will get better.

[Mz. Pixie]

I can also testify to the absolute heartbreak that I felt when my inlaws turned their backs on me.

 

I didn't have great parents and his parents were the only real parents I ever had. They were good to me. My ex MIL was sort of brash and standoffish most of the time but my ex FIL?? I loved him dearly and I thought that there was NO better man alive on the face of the planet. In him I could see what I hoped my husband would be one day- he just never got there. I didn't love him in a "want to be with him" love but in I adored him. My ex FIL was also everything that I thought a Christian man should be, upright and honest.

 

I'm sad to say that they have reacted very Unchristian like to me. He's done things that I never would have thought they would have done. True, I left my ex- but I'd tried to talk to both of them separately about my problems with the son way before. I wanted them to talk some sense into him.

 

When we first separated they said they loved us both and wouldn't get in the middle. That lasted about two days. This was their SON, their own flesh and blood. They were all up in the middle of our divorce- I'm sure because their child was experiencing pain like he'd never experienced.

 

What compounded the pain for me was that all of our married life- they knew I had struggled with being abused growing up and they always stressed that I should forgive my abusers. Such hypocrites they were- because they couldn't even begin to forgive me!!! It's so easy to say forgive and forget when you've never had a bad thing happen to you before- inflicted by someone else.

 

It sucks. It especially hurts because you feel as the victim in this situation. I can only say that this is their child, and sibling and they are doing what they have to do. You do not have to live with this person anymore, but unfortunately they do and may not feel free to speak their mind about the situation.

 

In time, when you are happy again in other areas of your life, this won't bother you as much. It just takes time to heal.

[tonyp56]

I don't know if you've read Devildog's thread....but it was heart-breaking to see the loss and sense of abandonment that he felt when his in-laws decamped.

 

He loved them alot. It was obvious in his posts, because he felt the betrayal so keenly.

 

The good news is....that even though it's difficult....he's displaying a very positive outlook these days.

 

You'll get there too. When you're at the bottom, there's no place to go but UP, right? It just takes time.....and patience.

 

Minimal contact with your wife is a good thing right now. You won't need to maintain it forever, so don't worry about asking for some help from your intermediaries. You'll get stronger, and contact with her won't hurt like it's hurting now. So, don't worry about indisposing your intermediary on a permanent basis.

 

I would say, I loved my inlaws a lot too. They were not my second family, I considered them my family. Now there was some things over the years that they hurt me with (doesn't all family), but I still loved them. I don't want them to pick my side or anything like that, all I wanted is for them to simply stand-up for the principle of things. I wouldn't ask them to say "you leaving your husband is wrong", but I expected them to at least say "what you are doing after you left your husband is wrong and we won't allow him (the man she is having an affair with) to come into our homes until you are divorced." When they don't say that, it feels like they are saying to me, "we are glad you got rid of that piece of crap, good for you, welcome to the family new man." That hurts.

[reddog63]

"I would say, I loved my inlaws a lot too. They were not my second family, I considered them my family. Now there was some things over the years that they hurt me with (doesn't all family), but I still loved them. I don't want them to pick my side or anything like that, all I wanted is for them to simply stand-up for the principle of things. I wouldn't ask them to say "you leaving your husband is wrong", but I expected them to at least say "what you are doing after you left your husband is wrong and we won't allow him (the man she is having an affair with) to come into our homes until you are divorced." When they don't say that, it feels like they are saying to me, "we are glad you got rid of that piece of crap, good for you, welcome to the family new man." That hurts."

 

 

I was curious, have you ever told your inlaws how you feel? Not in a mean way, but similiar to what you wrote above. I would be curious if you wrote a letter what would result. You mention that it "feels" like they think your a piece of crap. When everyone starts assuming based on feelings, there are often miscommunication. I would think a well written, non offense letter, might do some good. Just a thought. Good luck.

[tonyp56]

Tony - I know you'll get it figured out. I wish I had some more clever, insightful thing to say than that, but all I can think of at the moment is, I believe in you. The kids are worth it.

 

You said enough I think, just the idea of looking at my wife as the mother of my children and not my wife anymore is something to be honest with you, I really never thought of. Now of course, you know as well as I do, that knowing what to do, is a lot easier than doing it. However, at least you pointed me in a good direction.

[tonyp56]

OK, just to let everyone know, my kids will be in my life over the next month. I am going to have them for the weekend, and a few hours every other day. I know I've already said this, but when I said it before, it was a plan, now it is reality. I will use what many of you have given me on how to deal with my wife and her family, and I will work really hard to not let things bug me so much.

 

Additionally, I have been on a waiting list for the last 3 weeks for counseling, and now I've side stepped that place and went to another. I have a appointment on 11-8 so that I can start letting this stuff out. And maybe get some help on how to cope with my emotions. I want to be a better father, and hopefully, a better husband someday in the future (not necessarily with my wife now, but someday I hope to remarry, and I want to learn from this marriage).

 

Thank you to everyone that has given me suggestions, and help direct me in the right direction. I know now that NC with my kids, no matter what reason, isn't the right thing to do. I wanted NC with my wife, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to have contact with my kids because of this, but I still wanted NC with the wife. I have some more working out to do, but I think I've figured out a way to work it out.