Never gonna be over him???

[Karen]

okay, here's the story. last february, my boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me after a very hard long distance relationship. i was absolutely devestated. before we had started dating, he was my best friend in the entire world, he had meant everything to me, and we had made a promise that no matter what happened between us we would always be best friends. so, after much deliberation, i figured, heck, i just lost my boyfriend, i dont want to lose my best friend too, so i attempted to be best friends with him still. i sat by painfully, as he called less and less, as he wentout on date after date, told me girls he kissed, and eventually asked someone else to his prom. this proved only to make my wounds feel soo much deeper. i had thought that i would eventually get used to it, but after a while it proved that it wasnt making me any better, and that he only made me feel worse about myself. he began to make me feel completely unimportant and unloved, and un-needed. slowly he began to change, keep in mind that i was away at school and he was still a senior in hs this past year. so we drifted, something i absolutely hated to see. i would only hear from him if i tried to get a hold of him...so, after trying so hard for the friendship that was so amazing that we once had, i decided that my friends were right all along. its too hard to be friends. this discovery hurt very much. i had been severely depressed while at school, and when my ex emailed me after prom weekend to ask if i had a good weekend and if i wanted to hear about prom, i wrote him back what i had discovered about myself. i told him i wasnt ready to be friends with him, it was still too raw, it made me sick to my stomach to think of him dancing with another girl at his prom dancing to our songs, and i had no desire to hear him talk about it, and he shouldnt expect me to. i basically admited that i wasnt over him. well, this was in may, and i got no reply whatsoever, which i would have liked, like a little bit of understanding or something, you know? so, time went by, and it came time for him to graduate from hs...around the week before i got a phone call from him, buti called him back and he wasnt home....i emaile dhim and let him know that i got the message that he called, but then he never responded. i realized there was no way that i could go to his graduation and feel at this point like a complete outsider. by this time he had been seeing the girl that he took to prom instead of me, and i couldnt bare to see her with him, etc etc etc. so, when the day of his prom came, i drove by his house, and left a graduation card in his mailbox, which contained a 100 bucks that i owed him. it said congrats on your graduation from hs, told him what he had to look forward to, that i was sorry we couldnt be friends, and that i would love him always. welp, no response. until about a week later. he showed up where i work, and proceeded to let me know that he was on the front page the newspaper for graduation, and that that night he was still planning on going to this romantic concert that i had promised to take him to for his birthday, with another girl no less. he came off and totally cocky and a real jerk, and he upset me when i was at work...i really really hated his personality. but anyway, that was at the end of june, and it being a month lateri havent heard from him. about a week ago his sister, who ia m friends with, informed me that his two best friends in the entire world would be visiting from nc, where he grew up. the whole next day, iw as sad, being informed yet againaobut something i would miss out on, i wouldnt get to meet two of his lifelong friends that before he would have brought over to my house to introduce to me first thing. it made me feel terrible about myself. so, i decided, it had been at least a month since i last saw him, i could suck it up for a day, and let him know that i would still love to meet his best friends. well, when i signed on to write this email, it had turned out that he had written me already, saying "hey sweetie, long time no talk, i just wanted to say hey and let you know that ben and todd are visiting this week and i am sure that youw ant to meet them, so let me know what you are up to this week.....". so, i was naturally ecstatic! he had acknowledged me, and thought of me, so i immediately wrote him back and let him know that i would love to meet his friends...well, that was like omnday, i called him, told his mom that i would like for him to call me back, and i hadnt even heard from him...i was completely let down. so, he called me last night while i was out. i called him this morning, only to findout that he once again wasnt home. i dont know whether i should have been upset or not, seeing as his friends are leaving to go home tomorrow. i feel so leftout. so now, after i got a hold of him around 12 this afternoon, he says to me that he is sure that I had wanted to meet HIS friends, which kinda bugged me, kinda like he was saying that i was the one that was soo hung up on meeting this friends. so now he is just sticking me in somewhere, letting me meet them before they go out tonight, which really hurts. so, after all this time, i feel so used, see, when he first moved to nj where i live, he didnt have many friends, then he met me, and i was always there for him. now, he wont even give mt ehtime of day cause he is too cool to talkt o me. and every time i do talk to him ont he rare occasion, he gives me this feeling like he would rather be somewhere else...i am feeling so alone, he was the one true friend i had, and i dont even see a glimmer of that sweet guy i once fell so in love with. i do end up seeing a glimmer in the email he sent me that still sounds like good ole matthew, but then i talked to him on the phone today and he sound so much more arrogant than he ever did before. my question is i guess, why after all this time not talking to me, does he call me sweetie?? why does he seem all sweet in his nice emails, calling me hon, sweetie, etc, and then not even give me five minutes of his time when his friends are visiting? i feel like a horrible person, not worth hangingo out with, and i feel like i was never part of his life. i mean, he didnt even take the timethis whole week to let me know if i would be meeting his friends or not.....so my big questioni guess is, do i let him know that it really bothers me the way he talks towards me, and that it bothers me the way he makes me feel and that it bothers me that he is only stopping over before he goes out to let me meet his friends, when i havent even seen him for the entire summer. i feel sometimes like he is sending mixed signals, even though i know he doesnt want to be with me...please help me, doyou think i am making a big stink over this??

 

karen

[Meta]

OK, here's the deal. The guy's being a guy who has fallen out of love. Yes, indeed he is acting like a jerk and he doesn't respect you anymore like he used to. But since he did share some moments with you he still tries to be nice to you. I mean, he doesn't hate you...he just isn't interested in you in that "special" way anymore. The problem is is how you deal with him. I know you feel hurt and you want to think that there is still hope in the relationship, whether that means romantically, or just friendship wise. With all the experience I had, I realized that men just don't mean it when they say they want to be friends after a relationship, whereas women do. Women tend to act more upon the idea "I can show him how good of a friend I can be even after a relationship" when men don't. In other words, the more you try to convince him you can be friends with him, the farther he's going to run away. The best thing is to move on and FORGET ABOUT HIM!! You're still young and there are soooo many people out there who you will befriend in the future. Why obsess over one who doesn't make you feel special? I feel now that people who don't treat you well, who don't respect you, and who don't make you feel good about yourself can't be called friends. Why not invest your good heart into somebody who would really appreciate you as a friend?

[caroline]

okay, here's the story. last february, my boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me after a very hard long distance relationship. i was absolutely devestated. before we had started dating, he was my best friend in the entire world, he had meant everything to me, and we had made a promise that no matter what happened between us we would always be best friends. so, after much deliberation, i figured, heck, i just lost my boyfriend, i dont want to lose my best friend too, so i attempted to be best friends with him still. i sat by painfully, as he called less and less, as he wentout on date after date, told me girls he kissed, and eventually asked someone else to his prom. this proved only to make my wounds feel soo much deeper. i had thought that i would eventually get used to it, but after a while it proved that it wasnt making me any better, and that he only made me feel worse about myself. he began to make me feel completely unimportant and unloved, and un-needed. slowly he began to change, keep in mind that i was away at school and he was still a senior in hs this past year. so we drifted, something i absolutely hated to see. i would only hear from him if i tried to get a hold of him...so, after trying so hard for the friendship that was so amazing that we once had, i decided that my friends were right all along. its too hard to be friends. this discovery hurt very much. i had been severely depressed while at school, and when my ex emailed me after prom weekend to ask if i had a good weekend and if i wanted to hear about prom, i wrote him back what i had discovered about myself. i told him i wasnt ready to be friends with him, it was still too raw, it made me sick to my stomach to think of him dancing with another girl at his prom dancing to our songs, and i had no desire to hear him talk about it, and he shouldnt expect me to. i basically admited that i wasnt over him. well, this was in may, and i got no reply whatsoever, which i would have liked, like a little bit of understanding or something, you know? so, time went by, and it came time for him to graduate from hs...around the week before i got a phone call from him, buti called him back and he wasnt home....i emaile dhim and let him know that i got the message that he called, but then he never responded. i realized there was no way that i could go to his graduation and feel at this point like a complete outsider. by this time he had been seeing the girl that he took to prom instead of me, and i couldnt bare to see her with him, etc etc etc. so, when the day of his prom came, i drove by his house, and left a graduation card in his mailbox, which contained a 100 bucks that i owed him. it said congrats on your graduation from hs, told him what he had to look forward to, that i was sorry we couldnt be friends, and that i would love him always. welp, no response. until about a week later. he showed up where i work, and proceeded to let me know that he was on the front page the newspaper for graduation, and that that night he was still planning on going to this romantic concert that i had promised to take him to for his birthday, with another girl no less. he came off and totally cocky and a real jerk, and he upset me when i was at work...i really really hated his personality. but anyway, that was at the end of june, and it being a month lateri havent heard from him. about a week ago his sister, who ia m friends with, informed me that his two best friends in the entire world would be visiting from nc, where he grew up. the whole next day, iw as sad, being informed yet againaobut something i would miss out on, i wouldnt get to meet two of his lifelong friends that before he would have brought over to my house to introduce to me first thing. it made me feel terrible about myself. so, i decided, it had been at least a month since i last saw him, i could suck it up for a day, and let him know that i would still love to meet his best friends. well, when i signed on to write this email, it had turned out that he had written me already, saying "hey sweetie, long time no talk, i just wanted to say hey and let you know that ben and todd are visiting this week and i am sure that youw ant to meet them, so let me know what you are up to this week.....". so, i was naturally ecstatic! he had acknowledged me, and thought of me, so i immediately wrote him back and let him know that i would love to meet his friends...well, that was like omnday, i called him, told his mom that i would like for him to call me back, and i hadnt even heard from him...i was completely let down. so, he called me last night while i was out. i called him this morning, only to findout that he once again wasnt home. i dont know whether i should have been upset or not, seeing as his friends are leaving to go home tomorrow. i feel so leftout. so now, after i got a hold of him around 12 this afternoon, he says to me that he is sure that I had wanted to meet HIS friends, which kinda bugged me, kinda like he was saying that i was the one that was soo hung up on meeting this friends. so now he is just sticking me in somewhere, letting me meet them before they go out tonight, which really hurts. so, after all this time, i feel so used, see, when he first moved to nj where i live, he didnt have many friends, then he met me, and i was always there for him. now, he wont even give mt ehtime of day cause he is too cool to talkt o me. and every time i do talk to him ont he rare occasion, he gives me this feeling like he would rather be somewhere else...i am feeling so alone, he was the one true friend i had, and i dont even see a glimmer of that sweet guy i once fell so in love with. i do end up seeing a glimmer in the email he sent me that still sounds like good ole matthew, but then i talked to him on the phone today and he sound so much more arrogant than he ever did before. my question is i guess, why after all this time not talking to me, does he call me sweetie?? why does he seem all sweet in his nice emails, calling me hon, sweetie, etc, and then not even give me five minutes of his time when his friends are visiting? i feel like a horrible person, not worth hangingo out with, and i feel like i was never part of his life. i mean, he didnt even take the timethis whole week to let me know if i would be meeting his friends or not.....so my big questioni guess is, do i let him know that it really bothers me the way he talks towards me, and that it bothers me the way he makes me feel and that it bothers me that he is only stopping over before he goes out to let me meet his friends, when i havent even seen him for the entire summer. i feel sometimes like he is sending mixed signals, even though i know he doesnt want to be with me...please help me, doyou think i am making a big stink over this??

 

karen

well karen i would like to tell you what happened to me and then i would like to tell you what you should do...first i didn't have many friends when i was young and really i didn't have a real friend...one you tell everything too..well then one day i met this guy..he just popped up one day in my life...we became such good friends....we both knew what was happening..we were falling in love...it's nice when you have someone that knows you so much....you could pick you nose in front of him and he would not think nothing about it....but everything didn't turn out the way i wanted...we dated for a year and a half...it hurts when they leave and you think that you will never see them again and all the love you have, where is it going to go?...well of course it stays in your heart.....well he didn't exactly treat me good either..he would say he wasn't ready for commitment and so on.. that just broke my heart..... i had to go to school with him and see him for a whole year with his new girlfriend that i could not stand...it hurt so bad..sometimes i would feel like crying right there in front of him....but i wouldn't let myself....sometimes i felt like running to him and telling him "i know you love me, don't you see"....but that didn't help....well about the end of school year he wanted me back...and guess what i took him back..i should have stood up for myself, but i didn't...i let him back in my heart....well everything was going great this time...i was so happy...sometimes i would cry out of joy to be with him and he would feel the same.....you could see it in his eyes....you could tell by his words....but his actions is what hurt me the most....he was a very confused boy and he was scared of commitment.....even though he loved me he was scared....sometimes love just isn't enough.....sometimes guys also think they are missing something when they are commited...but what they don't see is they have a gift that most people never have....and when they through it away they can never go back........well he went to the beach with his friends on a senior trip....he didn't call me all that week....it pissed me off...so i said when he gets back i am going to stand up for what is best for me....well i ended up breaking it off...even though i didn't want to....but i was just so mad and he didn't care because he had been with his friends and they are god to him....well i didn't take the breaking it off thing serious and he did....now he doesn't speak to me...i haven't seen him in months.....he stays with is friends...just like before......and i stay here with my heart hurting so much that i don't know if i can take it another day.....i just wish he would walk in my door any minute and say i am sorry i made a mistake......but then i know that the only reason i wish he would do that is because for once in my life i want to stand up to him....even though it will hurt my heart, i know that it will feel good in the end....so next time he see's me and he wants me....well i will either tell him to get a life or smack him in the face...for i know i will have so much anger that it will have to go some place and his face would be the best place....so my advice to you is to stand up for you heart and do something for yourself...don't let a man or should i say boy make you sad....be happy....the man of your dreams is waiting on you....are you going to look sad when he appears????

 

caroline