Wife Moved Out; Holding On To Hope

[LoveMovedOut]

This is my first post. I ran into this site while searching for support material online. First off, I love and cherish my wife more than anything in this world. We dated for six years and have been married for six as of recently. No children yet. We've had our ups and downs as any couple does and have had a run in with counseling. She moved out that time as well, about two years ago.

 

I was a stubborn man and didn't want to go to counseling. I stayed at home for quite some time before I realized, hey, this is serious. I finally convinced her that I would go and she joined me. At that time we'd had two miscarriages while trying to get pregnant. The only time I can recall seeing her cry was in our first session when she claimed how she thought I didn't care about our problems. This was so untrue. The counselor asked, have you expressed your concerns to him? She said she shouldn't have to. The counselor told her she most certainly does! I'm no mind reader.

 

It's hard for men to open up with these feelings and I didn't want to bring up this difficult subject unless she did, which she didn't. I can understand how difficult this must be on a woman, but I'm her husband and it tears me up that she felt she couldn't talk to me about it. We were separated for I'd say 3-5 months before her return from staying at some suite. I recall her return shortly after we stopped going to counseling more. This was our downfall. We didn't practice what we learned. Things were wonderful for a month and then it was back to the old routines. We'd get along, but it wasn't the same as that last month.

 

I feel that in the back of my mind I was just glad to have it over with and for her it was likely, good, now he knows how I feel. I believe our major problem is openness and lack of good communication, the cornerstone of any relationship. We both wanted love, but didn't put into it what we wanted in return. When we hit bumps in the road, she tends to unload on me her feelings from time past. You do this, you do that and she uses never and always a lot. My defenses fire off and we get nasty and say things we don't mean at all.

 

Our most recent incident, and they're all really quite small, and yet, they're not was a 3-4 months ago. She was on the phone and frankly, I was just being a jerk, commenting on her discussion and such. She was furious! That was my boss on the phone and proceeded to give it to me. I didn't want to hear it and knew this would be nasty. I shut down. She said, you must not respect what I do for a living do you. Almost putting words into my mouth. To irritate her I say yes. You don't respect what I do. No.

 

Bad I know. She moved into the other bedroom for nearly two months. Nobody said a word to the other and we ate our meals apart and she stayed back there during the evenings. In the argument were threats of divorce, not the first time this happened. I finally approached her to see what was going on. She said she was looking for a place to live. I asked if she was leaving me. She said, I have a lawyer and the papers are being put together. She asked, have you filed. I said no. Why not. Because I believe we can work it out. Shortly afterwards she noticed I tossed out her People magazine that had been sitting there forever. She accused me of not respecting her things and moved some stuff out.

 

Now, this past weekend she came to collect what she brought to the marriage as she's found a place to stay. So, all this started nearly four months ago. She's been out of the house for a month, almost two and now has a place to stay. She really doesn't take phone calls or any of my emails. I've sent flowers, cards, and gifts. She thanks me and other than that the only email was saying she wanted to come get her things.

 

I had changed the locks on the house. A hard thing to do and a wrong thing to do. This is why she wrote. The spark for my doing that was one weekend I couldn't get a ring on her cell phone and I made a snap judgement that she changed her cell phone number. She hadn't and was just out of reach. I told her I did it and it was for my protection. I was so lost without her contact that it felt like the only thing I could do at the time. It was offered up to me by a counselor as a line that could be crossed if I dare.

 

I am in counseling, going on seven sessions or so. I've asked her to attend with me and hasn't. I'm guessing that she is in counseling as she claims to be. She has told me that she can't live with me because I have control issues. I can agree. She can go and come as she pleases. It's the little things, like sometimes controlling the "proper" way of doing things, controlling when we clean house, etc etc. She hasn't elaborated specifics to me. I and others believe that ultimately this pregnancy issue has affected her. Not to take anythig away from what I need to improve on.

 

I've read The Five Love Languages, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus and working on The 7 Things (Happy) Couples Do. On the list next is Hope For The Separated and His Needs Her Needs.

 

Wow. This is a long one, huh? So, what do people think. I'm convinced she needs some space and more time, but how much time is enough? Is she now going to file papers? She's moved out all her things. We have this house that's both of ours so I'm stuck here alone with all the responsibility. I love her and no I've done a lot to change, but why won't she contribute as well. She's my one true love and I cannot give up on her yet and move on. At some point I may chose to express deeply how she's hurt me. She may know that now, but wants to punish.

 

Anymore that I can add I will. This is so long right now. God, I love her and want a chance.

[scobro]

I believe our major problem is openness and lack of good communication, the cornerstone of any relationship.

 

Thats what kills a lot a marriages.It really sounds like she has made up her mind and is moving on.I know you don't want to hear it but there could be a third person involved.I would try and move on because reconsiliation does not appear to be something that your wife wants,especially since this is the second time you both have separated.Its tough I know but you need to let her go.

[LoveMovedOut]

Thanks. Yes, I've heard that already in one form or fashion. However, I've seen small little things and talked with people. Neither of us believes at all in cheating. I realize that's what the clueless ones say, but I really do not see that at all in her. She's a very strong willed woman. Almost selfish in some regards, as well as myself. I think that's what makes us such a challenge to the other sometimes. That strong, I can make it on my own and I'll just punish the other type of attitude.

 

One thing that was great when she did come to move out was that she brought me The Five Love Languages book and she took my Don't Sweat the Small Stuff that I offered her. That's small, but it's a sign. I honestly believe that she is scared. I believe this pregnancy thing has really affected her, more than she wants to admit to anyone. Granted, I have some controlling issues. They're small, but add them up and here and there over time, she's had enough. But the root, I still believe is the pregnancy. Our troubles started with this. Some lack of intimacy and lack of communication. We could go out on a Friday night for dinner and I'd blab away. Then, I'd give her time to speak and would get little. I'd then criticize her for being such a "mute". Totally uncalled for. I have changes to make. I see that now and am willing to do so. But what is she waiting for??

 

I know she's scared. She's scared I will resort to my old ways. She wants to punish me. She wants to be assured of my new ways. I have some issues with her as well, but I honestly believe those will be resolved on their own as I change, prove my true love to her and in return, I will get what I need.

 

I can't give up. I won't. I'm sad, lonely and depressed, but I do see hope. I'm coming out of the funk and can only show her what I can. Granted, I don't want to waste my life away on nothing and my attitude may change later. But right now, she needs to see something in me. It hurts she won't help me. I think it's very unfair, but I love her and I know, deep in my heart, that she still cares for me. Otherwise, it would be over. She has all her belongings and all it takes is some paperwork. That hasn't happened.

 

She's 33 and I'm 35. We dated each other's best friends. I saw something in her from day one. When we each broke up with the other I asked my sister, do you think she'll go out with me? She later told me she liked me almost immediately. There's so much precious history that I have to believe it will work out. I just have to be upbeat, stop sending sad emails begging her to talk to me and just show her what I can. Again, as time passes, who knows. We don't believe in divorce and the stats suck. I don't wish to be another number. I know it sounds like I'm hanging on too hard, but, I'd still like to believe I know some things about her after 12 years. We had some little "no talking" episodes when we dated. This is just her thing, no matter how sad it is. We'll see.

 

I thank all for advice on ideas how to encourage one in doubt. How to encourage that your spouse is committed to being the best he can be. Thanks.

[Mz. Pixie]

I suggest you google "Why Women Leave Men" and "The Walk Away Wife Syndrome". Read it with a open mind and then come back and tell me what you think.

[LoveMovedOut]

Good articles, especially "Why Women Leave Men". It's taken some serious sole searching and awakening on my part to see that this is much of how she feels. She feels neglected. She feels taken for granted. Unfortunately, I feel much the same way, but it doesn't seem to matter. My feelings are last on her list.

 

Why is it that I must learn these things after she's left? Why has she never talked to me one on one about our relationship? We've never done that. The only time I hear any negatives is when I've done something stupid and she goes off on me in a way that's not beneficial to our relationship. I feel attacked and go into my defensive mode.

 

I can and do take blame for things. I can accept wrong doing, but we must communicate as adults and not as yelling screaming children. I could've done a better job about expressing myself to her as well. I saw intimacy on the decline and boredom creeping in. I saw an unwillingness from her to open up and talk. It may have been about my day at work on a Friday night at dinner. I would talk and talk and then come to her to listen and she would have nothing to say.

 

She's still not in touch with me, over email or the telephone. I don't know what else I can do to help her open up and allow me that chance to prove that I can and have changed. Everyone seems to say, give her some time and space. How much? My Lord, it's been four months, maybe a month and a half since she moved out.

 

What is she waiting for? What am I not doing that I should be? It was really great to see her bring The Five Love Languages to the house for me when she moved out. Why won't she clarify for myself and my counselor what she views as her primary love language. The book says this must be clear. I've told her what I thought it was, but that's not the answer.

 

What more should I be doing? Why the wait and additional damage to our relationship? She's done this before. Why why why? I believe in marriage and the vows taken before God. I do not believe in divorce, but unfortunately, man has created such a thing and it happens. Then what is separation? It's a slow destruction of a marriage. I'm currently listening to Hope for the Separated and feel that the talk about reconciliation is so important. Why can't we start? Let's be friends first and work on things together.

[Zetter]

Know that you are not alone. Same thing happened to me. It sucks, but try to relax. Friends is definitely best for now. My wife and I separated and she started dating other folks. She couldn't bring herself to divorce, and now we are working on being friends. Not everyone can do that, and trust me I'm not sure if it is the right thing. But it is never too late, depending on what you are willing to forgive and do to repair a relationship. The problem is that the other person isn't always of the same mind as the first. Give her her space - that is why she moved out. Don't panic, don't send flowers every day. Relax, drop her an email once in a while that is just friendly...not too expressive. Tell her you care and you just want to give her space and that you love her unconditionally. She is a mess right now and needs time to come around.