Caught him,Now Should Second Chances be given??

[Confused5433]

Ok...deep breath...this is my story....

 

I caught my boyfriend of 5 months grinding and kissing a random girl on the neck inside a club. He told me he needed to meet some of his guy friends in the club for just a couple of minutes. I wasn't in the mood to go with him, didn't have ID or money and wasn't dressed for the night.

 

As a non-controlling and trusting girlfriend, I let him be free and go about his business while I waited patiently inside his car, besides it was only a quick meeting with his buddies. A couple of minutes turned into 30 min, and when I went to check up on him (worked my magic with the bouncer), I caught him in the act. He took a very defensive, "I didn't do nothing, this is what you do at clubs" approach. Our relationship ended the next day with a text message which he sent me, stating:"It's all my fault, I made a mistake, but now I guess our relationship is over, please forgive me, bye". I never answered him back and just vanished.

 

Now, after two months, and several email exchanges, he proclaims that he can't live without me and that he loves me still. He was too ashamed to call me before and that now he is a different person. He swears he made the biggest mistake of his life and that I am the girl he wants to marry. All the blame is on him and I am 100% right. He used these months to reflect and change his ways.

 

I finally meet him two nights ago, and we talked about what happened. He said that it wasn't him, he did it with no feelings, he didn't know why he did it. And that he just wants a second chance.

It took me a while to get over the crying, depression and heartbreak, specially because he let me go and never faught for our relationship. His reason is that he didn't know how to ask for forgiveness, he was too ashamed. Also, by seeing him again, I realized that I forgive him and that I love him so very much still.

 

My concern is the trust issue, I don't know if it is worth trying to rebuild our relationship. After two months I took a step forward, and by going back with him I feel I am taking a step backwards.

But...what if it is worth it and he did change. I have never felt like this about any guy and I can honestly say that I fell in love with him.

But what should I do? and if it is to go back with him...how should I approach this new beginning. I want to love him and take care of him as usual, but I don't want him to feel so confident as before and maybe do the same mistake...How do you move past the bad experience?? or Should I just move forward without him??....What do you think?

 

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[Donburi]

I'm not very good at giving advice but I can say for sure that some cheaters do learn from their mistakes. I know I did. During rough times, my bf caught me and his bestfriend messing around. Why did I do it? I still can't answer really. But I know it's something that will never happen again. I've had six months to think about what I've done now, and with each passing day I feel more and more stronger. My bf hasn't taken me back yet, if he does at all, but we are working on things. Like you, he doesn't have any trust, and with good reason. All I can offer really is to give him some time to think about what he's done, to know what life is like without you, to know how badly he messed up. Honestly, if my bf took me back right away, I'm not sure if it would have had the same effect.

 

Make him work to earn your trust back. If you want to spend time with him, then do so and if you want time to yourself then do so as well. If he can't understand any of the choices you make then he isn't worth giving another chance. Hope everything turns out well for you.

[seachange]

Wow. What he did was really crappy and kind of makes no sense. And honestly, it seems to me like his next-day text message was adding insult to injury - some apology. Sheesh.

 

OK, so he says he's changed his ways - I guess if I were you I'd want to know - what exactly does that mean? Because you wrote:

 

He said that it wasn't him, he did it with no feelings, he didn't know why he did it.

 

which isn't an explanation at all. Nor does it offer much reassurance that he wouldn't just do it again in the future.

 

I'm not saying he couldn't have changed over two months. But you were crying and depressed for all that time, and this is all he can offer you? He's saying the right things about making a mistake and wanting you back, but nothing about why he strayed in the first place-while you were waiting in the car! (and that whole scene also made me wonder if he wanted to get caught...? was he trying to engineer a breakup? questions, questions...)

 

I think that more concrete explanations about what happened and what exactly he's been reflecting on since that text message would be a bit more convincing. This seems pretty half-assed.

 

If you want to reconcile, step one is he needs to be totally honest about why the hell he did what he did in the first place.

[EnigmaXOXO]

He said that it wasn't him, he did it with no feelings, he didn't know why he did it.

 

Claiming that he doesn't understand his own behavior, is the same as saying he has no control over it. So theoretically, he would be at risk for having another out-of-body experience should the opportunity and situation present itself again.

 

Don't let him pull the amnesia card on you. He did it because he's a flirt, and enjoyed posturing as Mr. Super Freak in front of his buddies. He wasn't planning on you walking in and catching his alter-ego at peek performance. After all, he left you obediently waiting outside in the car, warming the bench, while he was enjoying a free dry hump and doing as he explains: "what you do at clubs."

 

But what should I do? and if it is to go back with him...how should I approach this new beginning.

 

Start off very slow. Give him ONLY the benefit of the doubt, not your complete trust. (He doesn't deserve it)

 

Allow him ONE more chance to do right by you and make him work double-time to EARN you back. Date him, but don't make any promises or commitments to this guy until he proves there is actually some substance behind his words. Give yourself plenty of time, months if necessary, to find out whether or not he has really reached some epiphany regarding how a lady should be treated.

 

Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd continue to leave myself open and available to dating other guys for at least a couple of months. And let him know just that. Enjoy your single life and don't ruin the opportunity of meeting someone BETTER by tying yourself to some guy who has already blown his first chance.

 

Gotta tell ya, I think it's terrible the way this guy treated you. Personally, I'd rather see you protect yourself by keeping your distance. But it's your heart, your life, so I'm still wishing you the very best.

 

Sure hope things turn out better for you this time around.

[Confused5433]

First of all....MUCHAS GRACIAS, MERCI BEAUCOUP, GRATZIE MOLTO AND THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!! I didn't think I would get as many replies as I did, specially since this is my first time ever using forums. This is so helpful, is like talking to your best friends but with a more experienced crowd.

 

Second, I just want to clarify something...I NEVER HAD SEX with him. He never had sex with this girl either, she was a random girl dancing and flirting with him; he never knew her.

 

Thirdly, I haven't taking him back.

Tomorrow, I will meet with him and I feel (it's a battle with my feelings let me tell you) that this will be our last discussion. I've taken into consideration what everyone has said, and I made up my mind.

 

Things won't ever be the same no matter what he does, and frankly he should have known better than that.

All of you made me realize that.

 

I can't lie and say I still don't love him, because I really, really do, which makes this SO HARD.

I still care so much for him, but I love myself too.

I know I have great qualities that any man would feel proud off, and he never truly appreciated that gift.

 

One day, hopefully, he will understand and take this experience as a lesson. I know I did. I learned that no matter how many tears, kisses, love notes, care, attention, money, time, cooked meals, cuddles, hugs and love someone takes from you, one thing that nobody should ever take away from you is your Dignity.

By going back it means that I have place this very special quality in his hands, and that's just something I can't do, he doesn't deserve it and I wasn't brought up that way.

 

Again....THank you, Thank you...if you still have some words of wisdom or personal experiences I would love to hear them out, maybe I can be of some help too.

 

If anyone is interest....I will write back and tell you what happen at our meeting tomorrow night.

 

Good Night and God BLess you all!!!

[J dub]

Let us know what happens! Good luck

[Confused5433]

Well, I meet with him last night and had our final discussion. When we got close to each other, before he could even speak, I told him that I made up my mind and that our relationship is over. I told him things will never be the way they use to and that I still loved him, but I have also moved on with my life. He took too long to get me back, and now it was too late.

 

Then the tension drifted in our conversation, and we got more relaxed and started to remember our past. The good times, the funny times, the happy memories....this was SO Heartbreaking. Because I feel deep down that he also loved me and as he said, he will never forget me...and neither will I. We had such a good relationship, we had so much fun and loved each other so passionately...without the Sex, which was amazing in itself.

If only he hadn't made such a stupid mistake and had though twice about his action....if only...

 

He also told me he is a different man, these two months helped him reflex on his mistakes and make some drastic changes in his life. I hope it's true. That would make my effort to see him again worthwhile.

 

I feel much better about having talked to him face to face, bu I still miss him SSOOOO much. I am crying as I write this post and I don't know if I will ever get rid of this feeling for him. I feel I made the right choice, but sometime I want to run right back to the way we where.

But I also see, that our relationship would be fragile, any other problem and it'll crumble. I couldn't tolerate another unfaithful behavior, and I don't want to wait and see if it ever happens again. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

 

That's why we ended it with a friendship, which I don't intend to be very actively involved. For the time being, I prefer not to see him or speak to him for a long while. I'll let Time do it's job at healing my heart and maybe help me find someone else to love.

 

After all, this was my first time falling in love and it has been a romantic-movie like experience....SO INTENSE and EXCITING in every way!!!

 

I have finally turned the page......

 

Thank you to all!!!