Caught him,Now Should Second Chances be given??

[Confused5433]

Ok...deep breath...this is my story....

 

I caught my boyfriend of 5 months grinding and kissing a random girl on the neck inside a club. He told me he needed to meet some of his guy friends in the club for just a couple of minutes. I wasn't in the mood to go with him, didn't have ID or money and wasn't dressed for the night.

 

As a non-controlling and trusting girlfriend, I let him be free and go about his business while I waited patiently inside his car, besides it was only a quick meeting with his buddies. A couple of minutes turned into 30 min, and when I went to check up on him (worked my magic with the bouncer), I caught him in the act. He took a very defensive, "I didn't do nothing, this is what you do at clubs" approach. Our relationship ended the next day with a text message which he sent me, stating:"It's all my fault, I made a mistake, but now I guess our relationship is over, please forgive me, bye". I never answered him back and just vanished.

 

Now, after two months, and several email exchanges, he proclaims that he can't live without me and that he loves me still. He was too ashamed to call me before and that now he is a different person. He swears he made the biggest mistake of his life and that I am the girl he wants to marry. All the blame is on him and I am 100% right. He used these months to reflect and change his ways.

 

I finally meet him two nights ago, and we talked about what happened. He said that it wasn't him, he did it with no feelings, he didn't know why he did it. And that he just wants a second chance.

It took me a while to get over the crying, depression and heartbreak, specially because he let me go and never faught for our relationship. His reason is that he didn't know how to ask for forgiveness, he was too ashamed. Also, by seeing him again, I realized that I forgive him and that I love him so very much still.

 

My concern is the trust issue, I don't know if it is worth trying to rebuild our relationship. After two months I took a step forward, and by going back with him I feel I am taking a step backwards.

But...what if it is worth it and he did change. I have never felt like this about any guy and I can honestly say that I fell in love with him.

But what should I do? and if it is to go back with him...how should I approach this new beginning. I want to love him and take care of him as usual, but I don't want him to feel so confident as before and maybe do the same mistake...How do you move past the bad experience?? or Should I just move forward without him??....What do you think?

[makaze]

Unfortunately, completely regaining trust is pretty much impossible. If you do get back with him, expect yourself to never trust him the same way again. So, I'm not sure whether it's really worth it- would you want to be in that kind of relationship? I don't know.

He probably really regrets it and probably won't do anything like that again if he's that serious about how he loves you and how he's "changed". But yeah, the thing is, you won't feel as secure as you can in this relationship and you'll always have a reason not to even if it's "the past".

Give him another chance if you love him, but don't have high hopes.

[deesgirl]

This guy acted like this, knowing you were sitting in the car waiting for him. He has no respect for you. If he's already acting this way, how do you think he'll act in a year or two?

 

If I were you, I'd move on.

[HokeyReligions]

This guy acted like this, knowing you were sitting in the car waiting for him. He has no respect for you. If he's already acting this way, how do you think he'll act in a year or two?

 

If I were you, I'd move on.

 

I don't know that I'd ever stop wondering what he was doing when he knew you weren't waiting for him? You caught him this time -- but how many other times have there been?

 

It sure doesn't sound like he's ready for a commitment.

[glittergurl]

After two months I took a step forward, and by going back with him I feel I am taking a step backwards.

 

It's not just a feeling, that's exactly what happened! You shouldn't have taken him back; now it's all gonna be way more complicated than if you had cut contacts and never talked to him again. He's such a loser, and a liar. You will never be able to trust him again.

[Confused5433]

First of all....MUCHAS GRACIAS, MERCI BEAUCOUP, GRATZIE MOLTO AND THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!! I didn't think I would get as many replies as I did, specially since this is my first time ever using forums. This is so helpful, is like talking to your best friends but with a more experienced crowd.

 

Second, I just want to clarify something...I NEVER HAD SEX with him. He never had sex with this girl either, she was a random girl dancing and flirting with him; he never knew her.

 

Thirdly, I haven't taking him back.

Tomorrow, I will meet with him and I feel (it's a battle with my feelings let me tell you) that this will be our last discussion. I've taken into consideration what everyone has said, and I made up my mind.

 

Things won't ever be the same no matter what he does, and frankly he should have known better than that.

All of you made me realize that.

 

I can't lie and say I still don't love him, because I really, really do, which makes this SO HARD.

I still care so much for him, but I love myself too.

I know I have great qualities that any man would feel proud off, and he never truly appreciated that gift.

 

One day, hopefully, he will understand and take this experience as a lesson. I know I did. I learned that no matter how many tears, kisses, love notes, care, attention, money, time, cooked meals, cuddles, hugs and love someone takes from you, one thing that nobody should ever take away from you is your Dignity.

By going back it means that I have place this very special quality in his hands, and that's just something I can't do, he doesn't deserve it and I wasn't brought up that way.

 

Again....THank you, Thank you...if you still have some words of wisdom or personal experiences I would love to hear them out, maybe I can be of some help too.

 

If anyone is interest....I will write back and tell you what happen at our meeting tomorrow night.

 

Good Night and God BLess you all!!!

[April22]

He said that it wasn't him, he did it with no feelings, he didn't know why he did it. And that he just wants a second chance.

It took me a while to get over the crying, depression and heartbreak, specially because he let me go and never faught for our relationship. His reason is that he didn't know how to ask for forgiveness, he was too ashamed. Also, by seeing him again, I realized that I forgive him and that I love him so very much still.

 

My ex said the exact samethings when he cheated on me. I went through all of the crying, depression, and heartbreak. It was awful. I followed my heart because I loved him so much and forgave him. Gave him the Second Chance. Things were great for a while

 

But lastnight over a year later I caught him cheating again.

 

I was with him 4 years. I swear this hurts even more then it did the first time around. Maybe that's because I know it has to be over and I never want to talk to or see him ever again.

 

Please don't be naive like me. Don't let him hurt you again.

[Confused5433]

First of all, April22, I am so sorry for what happened to you last night. You seem like such a sweet and kind person. I am sure he will feel the guilt of hurting you twice forever. This time there are no second chances, and this is something he will have to carry with him for the rest of his life.

Just hope that he at least changes his way, if not, God will take care of him. That's the Karma we all carry, what goes around..comes around.

I'm with you girl, be strong!!!

 

Well, I meet with him last night and had our final discussion. When we got close to each other, before he could even speak, I told him that I made up my mind and that our relationship is over. I told him things will never be the way they use to and that I still loved him, but I have also moved on with my life. He took too long to get me back, and now it was too late.

 

Then the tension drifted in our conversation, and we got more relaxed and started to remember our past. The good times, the funny times, the happy memories....this was SO Heartbreaking. Because I feel deep down that he also loved me and as he said, he will never forget me...and neither will I. We had such a good relationship, we had so much fun and loved each other so passionately...without the Sex, which was amazing in itself.

If only he hadn't made such a stupid mistake and had though twice about his action....if only...

 

He also told me he is a different man, these two months helped him reflex on his mistakes and make some drastic changes in his life. I hope it's true. That would make my effort to see him again worthwhile.

 

I feel much better about having talked to him face to face, bu I still miss him SSOOOO much. I am crying as I write this post and I don't know if I will ever get rid of this feeling for him. I feel I made the right choice, but sometime I want to run right back to the way we where.

But I also see, that our relationship would be fragile, any other problem and it'll crumble. I couldn't tolerate another unfaithful behavior, and I don't want to wait and see if it ever happens again. I'm not wasting my time anymore.

 

That's why we ended it with a friendship, which I don't intend to be very actively involved. For the time being, I prefer not to see him or speak to him for a long while. I'll let Time do it's job at healing my heart and maybe help me find someone else to love.

 

After all, this was my first time falling in love and it has been a romantic-movie like experience....SO INTENSE and EXCITING in every way!!!

 

I have finally turned the page......

 

Thank you to all!!!

[makaze]

That's good for you what you did. And don't worry about how hard it might be getting over him because you will. There were times I was so in love, thinking I could rather die than get over someone, but lack of contact makes you get over someone quick. Now I just look back and find it funny because I feel nothing for these guys anymore.

 

Good luck

[bicyclejunk]

It's Not Going To Work, Trust me.

 

I would NEVER forgive him, no matter how

many "good times" and "fun memories" you have.

 

That is SO Very LAme of him to be macking on a

girl, with you waiting in the car outside...

 

Please forget about all the good times and the

hurt or the feelings or fears of being alone, if you

break this off...it's not worth the headaches you'll

be getting down the road, when something else

happens...You'll be kicking yourself.

 

cut things clean, have some self-respect, don't let

anyone treat you that way, no matter how much

he apologizes...He knew better.

[sdguy]

Cheaters cheat and they don't change. It's in the blood. Studies show that couples who break up and get back together almost inevitably break up again for the same exact reason. If it's the guy's parents, money, sex, whatever. The issue comes up again. If the guy would make out on the dance floor while telling you to wait in the car, then he has no respect for you or the relationship. An honorable guy will at least break up with your before doing these things. I predict that the trust issue will inevitably break you up and you're better off just moving on now rather than later and save yourself the heartbreak and waste of time.

[deesgirl]

Some people just have the attitude "Out of sight, out of mind". They can be wonderful when you're with them, and do things to hurt you as soon as you part.

 

This sounds like your guy. I'm glad you decided to move on. It will take time, but you will get over him. You'll also have your self esteem intact when you do because you didn't continue to let him hurt you.

[SMHappyface]

Girlfriend - if being part of his harem is better than not having him at all, take him back. However, he didn't confess because it was right, he confessed because you caught him. My ex never confessed to sleeping with a girl, asking for some time to think because I was jealous of his "friendship" with her, and now they are a full-blown couple, but he hasn't told me other than "I'm not sleeping around, I'm a one-woman man, and I still love you and want to work things out - we can't work things out without communication" bla bla bla. I found out the hard way and he STILL hasn't confessed (through his best friend) but I've gone totally NC. Anyways, it sounds like he may have changed, but at the same time, no matter what happens you will have this sad little feeling of the other girl(s) in your head and not be able to fully trust him. I don't think much if any relationships survive beyond a breech of trust, only those who have to for kids sake. You may have a miracle, but you may be in for a second heart-break.

[nextel]

Personally, I believe that once the trust and the respect is gone: there is no relationship. Trust and Respect are the biggest elements that I am loyal to when I am in any relationship and once they are violated, then its time for me to move on.

 

The best lesson to teach a man is to give him a life lesson of realizing that he lost a good thing. Dump him and he will forever remember you for your strength and how he messed up a good thing. He thought that the grass was greener on the other side, well let him have that green grass.

 

Do not take him back. It was only 5 months that you were together. A good woman will always be ok because she is a good woman.