Should I confront my ex about the cheating?

[Runninggirl]

So long story short. I have an ex and we broke up a while ago. We broke up on seemingly good terms, but right after I found out he had cheated and started seeing the girl he cheated on me with. I assumed they wouldn't last, but apparently they did, and so it feels like a wound that won't close. Initially I wasn't gonna say anything, because I obviously went in to no contact. Although Ive seen a lot improvement, I no longer want to get back together and so on, I still can't shake the "trauma" of being cheated on. I always assumed they wouldn't last and he would come crawling back, and then he would listen when I told him how devastated I was by the cheating, and how it ruined every chance ever, and just get all that out then. I knew confronting right away would have no effect, when he's happy and in love with someone new. 

But he continued seeing her, and we never run into each other, and although I feel much better, and my life is good, I find myself often lately dwelling on this before I go to sleep, and more often crying feeling like I hate how he doesnt know how much it hurt me. 

If I get the chance to say something, it would be too late when they are officially together, that would just make me feel so weak. And also the chance would probably not be until at least summer again maybe, and I just want to move on and let it go. And Im trying really heard to just swallow it and make peace with it, but I dont know how. 

My girlfriends keep suggesting texting him about it, but I always just said no. I feel like important talks shouldn't be over the phone, and that I would just come off as the "crazy ex" for sending a long paragraph out of the blue. But now Im considering sending at text saying I just need to get this off my chest, I know you cheated bla bla bla and it made me feel so little for how I found out, and for who you cheated on me with. I never in a million years thought you would do this to me, and the betrayal has changed how I view you and our entire relationship and I hate that. I hate that you didnt have the balls to admit it by yourself, and I need you to know we're not ok". or something like that. Probably a lot longer with more details. 

But I dont know, I dont want to make a decision out of emotion that I will regret later. Ive been in no contact with him for so long, that Im afraid of [messing] myself up as well. At the same time its been so long in no contact (6 months), that I feel like he just forgot about me and dont care by now.

But a part of me also hopes this makes him realize what he's done, and maybe put some salt in between them, as he hopefully also sees her as a product of something bad, and they stop seeing each other. I hate to admit it, but him keep seeing her is probably the thing keeping me most from fully recovery, because its a constant reminder. 

 

Thoughts and advice? 

Edited January 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

Did he tell you he was cheating on you? Are you still friends with him? What do you gain from this friendship that no one else can?

No disrespect, telling him may make you feel better, but why? He could have told you any time he was done with the relationship. He didn't. When you tell someone you caught them cheating, you’re just making them a better cheater. You’re just letting them know what not to do next time. He wouldn't have done it if he was concerned about you getting hurt.

Sure. Say yes to the friendship and then just treat him like an afterthought the entire friendship. Take group trips and invite him when you’re halfway there, do things you know he enjoys without him, Snapchat pictures of good food constantly.

That’s only if you feel like being petty and immature though.

Most of the time it’s best to just go no contact.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Runninggirl]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Did he tell you he was cheating on you? Are you still friends with him? What do you gain from this friendship that no one else can?

No disrespect, telling him may make you feel better, but why? He could have told you any time he was done with the relationship. He didn't. When you tell someone you caught them cheating, you’re just making them a better cheater. You’re just letting them know what not to do next time. There's no concern that they've hurt you, otherwise they wouldn't have done it.

Sure. Say yes to the friendship and then just treat him like an afterthought the entire friendship. Take group trips and invite him when you’re halfway there, do things I know he enjoys without him, Snapchat pictures of good food constantly.

That’s only if you feel like being petty and immature though.

Most of the time it’s best to just go no contact.

No right after we broke up I was walking in the city centre behind two girls, and one of them told in explicit details about sleeping with my ex, and when it had happened and for how long and so. That's how I found out, and why I didnt confronted him, because we had already stopped speaking. we are not friends and will not be friends ever. 

You come with some real interesting points here.

I dont know if it would make him jealous to see me live my best life tho, dont know if he would even care

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Write out your thoughts, but see a therapist to help you unpack and sort this out. Contacting him won't help the pain. You dodged a bullet so it's best not to let someone like this keep dominating your thoughts. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Don't give him more of your time or energy. The one who wounds isn't the one who heals. You may be better off getting past it with a qualified therapist who could guide you to a better place.

Edited January 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Runninggirl]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Write out your thoughts, but see a therapist to help you unpack and sort this out. Contacting him won't help the pain. You dodged a bullet so it's best not to let someone like this keep dominating your thoughts. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Don't give him more of your time or energy. The one who wounds isn't the one who heals. You may be better off getting past it with a qualified therapist who could guide you to a better place.

Yes maybe, Im just afraid that it won't get me much further, because I feel like he got away with it by me not saying anything. But maybe better to see a therapist, and stick to the plan that if he ever comes crawling, then Ill let him know why its not happening and what I know. 

Its just so much more difficult when they kept seeing each other, I keep hoping it will end. Feels like it just keeps the wound open. Im ofc not in contact in any way

[Runninggirl]

I want to see a therapist, but the reason I haven't is that its quite expensive here, and I dont make that much so Im afraid Ill go and not get anything out of it and feel like its a waste of money, its about 150 usd /euro per 45min, so its difficult to justify the money spent

[BaileyB]

Write him a letter but don’t send it. Put all your feelings on the page, tell him what a horrible person he is and how much he has hurt you and then - burn the letter. Let it go. You have no idea how cathartic it will feel. Just my suggestion.

Otherwise, I think you have absolutely nothing to gain from actually talking to this man. You would be much better served by talking with a counsellor. Good luck. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Its just so much more difficult when they kept seeing each other, I keep hoping it will end.

If you build a life that you love, they won’t matter as much…
 

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

At the same time its been so long in no contact (6 months), that I feel like he just forgot about me and dont care by now.

He likely doesn’t care, he’s moved on. Let’s face it, he didn’t really care when he cheated on you during your relationship. So, I don’t know why you think it would be any different now. 

I once found myself in a difficult relationship where I held a lot of anger and resentment. I too was having a difficult time letting go and moving on - I felt like the people who hurt me needed to understand how much they hurt me and that would somehow make it feel better. It never really happened, and I did tell them how I felt. It didn’t matter. 

And then I read a quote that made me really reconsider - “holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” He’s going to live his life - separate from you. The more important question is, how long are you going to hold onto this anger/hurt? How long are you willing to keep drinking the poison and expecting him to die? 

I know it’s hard, but you can and should just let go of it. Write your letter and say what you need to say, and then let it go. Focus on your own life. Thankfully, he is her problem now! 🤣

 

Edited January 21, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

No right after we broke up I was walking in the city centre behind two girls, and one of them told in explicit details about sleeping with my ex, and when it had happened and for how long and so. That's how I found out, and why I didnt confronted him, because we had already stopped speaking. we are not friends and will not be friends ever. 

You come with some real interesting points here.

I dont know if it would make him jealous to see me live my best life tho, dont know if he would even care

The bolded above, that's good! 

Often, we are encouraged to suppress our anger and not openly express ourselves. The result will either be depression or a spontaneous explosion. Moreover, when you erupt, things are more likely to be said or done you'll regret.

Being angry at him allows him to still have some control over your life. Your ex’s apology will not matter because your relationship with him is already over.

You don’t need to express your anger to him and even don’t want him to accept or regret his mistake.

Try to find other, more productive ways to unleash your anger.

Put all your focus on self-care. Take rest and nurture your body during this process. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love and care for you.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Runninggirl]

Yeah... What's stopping me this whole time was that I didnt want to give him the control or satisfaction of knowing how much I care about what happen, or give their relationship more value by telling him how much it hurt me. 

At the same time.. When it happened I was so shock, probably in denial, I couldn't phantom what had happened. I couldn't believe he would do that, and I was sure he would spiral into depression and denial like always before if he hurt me with much smaller things. He always came around, regretting his mistakes, told me I was the love of his life and he was so sorry for how much he hurt me. But this time, nothing. And when I found out he kept seeing her it was like another stab in the back, I felt suffocated, like I was dying, I couldn't believe he wanted to date such a girl. Because it was literally just the only single girl out of five at his workplace, and I assumed she hit on him and he didnt have the backbone to say no. 

And all this time the shock and denial really covered up the hurt and the anger. I was in complete shock. 

And lately its all just been revealing itself, and Im so unbearably angry and I feel so betrayed, and I feel so angry that he "got off scotch free". And its eating me up, Im crying myself to sleep and I feel completely frozen and all I want to do is ruin his bliss. I feel so incredibly bitter and angry about it, and mostly that he doesn't know that I know, he got away with it with no bad feelings. And I want him to feel bad! 

I tried writing out the text in notes several times, as a letter, but it doesn't help much, just makes me more angry, just makes me cry and feel like s***. It makes me so frozen I can't get things done, I have a hard time living my life when Im in this frozen stage. I do things, but I dont enjoy them, and I walk around all day waiting for what feels like the next bomb to drop, Im terrified someone is gonna tell me that they're in a real relationship or something.

Im really hoping that he feels that its very unrewarding, that he grows tired of her fast, or that he compares her to me and starts missing me. What I want to do is make him regret it, so he comes back begging so I can tell him why he can't have me back, and that its all his fault, and that he [messed] up, and that I wanted us to be together, and I want him to see how much I did to keep us together, while he ruined it. I want him to regret it and blame himself like I blame him. But I dont know how to do that. 

Im just all over the place, and I dont want to be here feeling like this. Im really trying to move on, and most of the time I feel good, but that anxiety of what's to come is crippling me more and more. I just can't get out of this hell it feels like. 

Edited January 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I couldn't believe he would do that, and I was sure he would spiral into depression and denial like always before if he hurt me with much smaller things. He always came around, regretting his mistakes, told me I was the love of his life and he was so sorry for how much he hurt me.

Looking at it objectively, it doesn’t sound like he was a very good partner to you before he cheated. 

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im so unbearably angry and I feel so betrayed, and I feel so angry that he "got off scotch free". all I want to do is ruin his bliss. I feel so incredibly bitter and angry about it, and mostly that he doesn't know that I know, he got away with it with no bad feelings. And I want him to feel bad! 

You are imagining that they are experiencing bliss - for all you know, he’s cheating on her now. 

Get your anger out - join a kickboxing gym and imagine his face on the punching bag. 

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im really hoping that he grows tired of her fast, or that he compares her to me and starts missing me.

Let go of this fantasy and you will begin to move forward. It’s done, it’s over. He’s moved on and you need to do so too. Best wishes. 

[Alpacalia]

How long ago did you two break up, OP?

[BaileyB]

If I may add, I understand why you are angry - I would be angry too. I just don’t think that it serves you to wait around for the day that he potentially comes back around and you can really let him have it. You are going to have to make the decision at some point to let this go. With kindness, I hope that you don’t waste too much time building resentment towards someone who doesn’t really care - because he’s already moved on with his life…

Edited January 21, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

Don't lower yourself.  Here's the bad news, if he really cared about you he wouldn't have been cheating.  Here's the bad news for his new girl, the way you describe this sounds like he's just using her for sex while he's not in a relationship. Don't blame her, she's not the person who cheated on you and if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, he's the villain in this play. The main thing that's eating you up is your bruised ego, you feel like he got away with something with no repercussions for his bad behaviour. Confronting him, or even just venting your disappointment via text, this far down the track will just make you look like a crazy ex girlfriend. Would you want him sharing that text with this new girl or other people,  inflating his ego by painting you as the desperate stalker ex who can't let go?  You should instead be counting your blessings that you're no longer involved with a lying drongo. You don't need to punish people for the bad things they do to you, life and karma will do it for you. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You don't need to punish people for the bad things they do to you, life and karma will do it for you. 

So true. 

I have a coworker who has a quote hanging at her desk - Keep calm and let Karma finish it! 

Make that your motto OP.

As Michelle Obama so famously said - when they go low, you go high. The best revenge is to move forward and find a better relationship for yourself - find your own happiness. That’s what I would try to focus on now. 

[ShyViolet]

You really think that contacting him and telling him you knew he cheated will make you feel better?  What if he doesn't care, or won't apologize, or just lies and says it didn't happen or twists the situation around?  Then how will that make you feel?  What if it just ends up making you feel dumb for appearing like you're not over him and are still dwelling on the past?

I don't think contacting him is a good idea at all.  It's unlikely to make you feel better.  It will just keep you wallowing in this for longer.  Your relationship with him is over and that is the only thing that matters now.

8 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I hate to admit it, but him keep seeing her is probably the thing keeping me most from fully recovery, because its a constant reminder. 

How do you even know that he is still seeing her?  Why are you still keeping tabs on his life?

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im really hoping that he feels that its very unrewarding, that he grows tired of her fast, or that he compares her to me and starts missing me. What I want to do is make him regret it, so he comes back begging so I can tell him why he can't have me back, and that its all his fault, and that he f***ed up, and that I wanted us to be together, and I want him to see how much I did to keep us together, while he ruined it. I want him to regret it and blame himself like I blame him. But I dont know how to do that. 

This is a really unhealthy and immature way of thinking.  You can't "make" him regret anything.  You need to stop dwelling so much on what he's doing now or how he's feeling now.  It's not about him.  What he's doing now is frankly none of your business.  

Closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious decision to let this go and leave it in the past.  No one else is going to give you "closure."  You can't control other people's actions.

[Alpacalia]

Your relationship with him still seems quite active. That is why I asked when the two of you broke up. No contact for six months? Are you sure you aren't keeping a close eye on him?

Hard facts. Practicing letting go has been difficult for you. What do you want? Isn't that freedom? What steps have you taken to process the breakup? Your aversion to counseling is evident.

Cheating is his issue, not yours. It was his ego that needed a boost, and he used another woman for that because he wasn’t emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself.

This is not a cross to bear or a new identity unless you make it one. 

[Mrin]

Ok so let's unpack this. What do you get out of all this? This obsessing about his cheating on you. (Perfectly normal by the way). But why are you wrapped around the axle?

1) Well obviously it's because you're hurt. But why are you this hurt? You guys broke up before you found out. I would assume that if you had known about it before you broke up you then would have dumped his ass. If he was the one who broke up with you then why do you really care so much? I mean it's not like he was a good catch. He cheated on you. Why would you want that person to be back in your life? And if you were the one who broke up with him well then this is just confirmation that you made the right decision. Right???

2) You do seem to want some sort of revenge. Maybe that's not the right term but you talk about how you had always thought that he would come crawling back and then you could shove this in his face. Well, you're not going to get that chance and even if you did, it's not as pleasurable as you think. Honestly it sort of feels like you drew a card that you wanted to play but now it looks like you won't have the chance to play it. And that stinks.

3) So should you tell him? I'm not sure what that would accomplish. The fact that he is now fully connected with somebody means he probably won't care that you know. And the fact that he cheated on you probably means he doesn't care that it hurt you. So you won't really get anything out of it. In fact, you may hear something that hurts even worse. 

You need to reframe this. It's chewing you up. I think the most productive way and healthy way to look at this is you finding out he was cheating on you just brings full closure to this relationship. That this was not the relationship for you and you don't have to worry about being sucked back in because you now know what a horrible boyfriend he was. In a way you could consider yourself lucky. Right? If you had never found out about this you might be pining away for him to come back thinking that he was the lost love of your life and such a swell guy. And clearly that's not the case.

Anyhow, best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Runninggirl]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Looking at it objectively, it doesn’t sound like he was a very good partner to you before he cheated. 

You are imagining that they are experiencing bliss - for all you know, he’s cheating on her now. 

Get your anger out - join a kickboxing gym and imagine his face on the punching bag. 

Let go of this fantasy and you will begin to move forward. It’s done, it’s over. He’s moved on and you need to do so too. Best wishes. 

 

 

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Don't lower yourself.  Here's the bad news, if he really cared about you he wouldn't have been cheating.  Here's the bad news for his new girl, the way you describe this sounds like he's just using her for sex while he's not in a relationship. Don't blame her, she's not the person who cheated on you and if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, he's the villain in this play. The main thing that's eating you up is your bruised ego, you feel like he got away with something with no repercussions for his bad behaviour. Confronting him, or even just venting your disappointment via text, this far down the track will just make you look like a crazy ex girlfriend. Would you want him sharing that text with this new girl or other people,  inflating his ego by painting you as the desperate stalker ex who can't let go?  You should instead be counting your blessings that you're no longer involved with a lying drongo. You don't need to punish people for the bad things they do to you, life and karma will do it for you. 

 

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You really think that contacting him and telling him you knew he cheated will make you feel better?  What if he doesn't care, or won't apologize, or just lies and says it didn't happen or twists the situation around?  Then how will that make you feel?  What if it just ends up making you feel dumb for appearing like you're not over him and are still dwelling on the past?

I don't think contacting him is a good idea at all.  It's unlikely to make you feel better.  It will just keep you wallowing in this for longer.  Your relationship with him is over and that is the only thing that matters now.

How do you even know that he is still seeing her?  Why are you still keeping tabs on his life?

This is a really unhealthy and immature way of thinking.  You can't "make" him regret anything.  You need to stop dwelling so much on what he's doing now or how he's feeling now.  It's not about him.  What he's doing now is frankly none of your business.  

Closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious decision to let this go and leave it in the past.  No one else is going to give you "closure."  You can't control other people's actions.

 

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Your relationship with him still seems quite active. That is why I asked when the two of you broke up. No contact for six months? Are you sure you aren't keeping a close eye on him?

Hard facts. Practicing letting go has been difficult for you. What do you want? Isn't that freedom? What steps have you taken to process the breakup? Your aversion to counseling is evident.

Cheating is his issue, not yours. It was his ego that needed a boost, and he used another woman for that because he wasn’t emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself.

This is not a cross to bear or a new identity unless you make it one. 

We broke up a little more than six months ago, I went into no contact when I found out. The cheating definitely made me more obsessed, I cut off all contact, but I can't help to have my ears out just because Im afraid to be that "surprised" again, it was such a horrible feeling. 

Ive tried to cut off contact, date other people, travel alone, focus on work and improving my life, make new memories with friends, try out new things. I would love counseling, but I think its a bit expensive, and I feel like I hear everyone saying they met the wrong therapist, didnt get much out of it and so on. It feels a bit like I wouldn't know where to start about finding a good one. I actually have tried to do a little research, ask friends and so on. I bought a new apartment to get a new start, and he bought one very close to me a few months after. 

I know he was the idiot for cheating, but I can't help to feel so belittled and humiliated, and I feel like that feeling gets inflated if he sticks around with her. 

 

9 hours ago, Mrin said:

Ok so let's unpack this. What do you get out of all this? This obsessing about his cheating on you. (Perfectly normal by the way). But why are you wrapped around the axle?

1) Well obviously it's because you're hurt. But why are you this hurt? You guys broke up before you found out. I would assume that if you had known about it before you broke up you then would have dumped his ass. If he was the one who broke up with you then why do you really care so much? I mean it's not like he was a good catch. He cheated on you. Why would you want that person to be back in your life? And if you were the one who broke up with him well then this is just confirmation that you made the right decision. Right???

2) You do seem to want some sort of revenge. Maybe that's not the right term but you talk about how you had always thought that he would come crawling back and then you could shove this in his face. Well, you're not going to get that chance and even if you did, it's not as pleasurable as you think. Honestly it sort of feels like you drew a card that you wanted to play but now it looks like you won't have the chance to play it. And that stinks.

3) So should you tell him? I'm not sure what that would accomplish. The fact that he is now fully connected with somebody means he probably won't care that you know. And the fact that he cheated on you probably means he doesn't care that it hurt you. So you won't really get anything out of it. In fact, you may hear something that hurts even worse. 

You need to reframe this. It's chewing you up. I think the most productive way and healthy way to look at this is you finding out he was cheating on you just brings full closure to this relationship. That this was not the relationship for you and you don't have to worry about being sucked back in because you now know what a horrible boyfriend he was. In a way you could consider yourself lucky. Right? If you had never found out about this you might be pining away for him to come back thinking that he was the lost love of your life and such a swell guy. And clearly that's not the case.

Anyhow, best of luck!

 

Mrin

I know I dont get anything out of it, Im trying to stop, Ive really been trying to deal with it, and distract myself and move on with my life, but it keeps coming back to me. For a while it really did work, but I feels like it came back full power now, just with a lot more rage. It feels like something traumatic happened, and my mind keeps reminding me to protect me from something more happening - like not get surprised like that again, so Im obsessed because I want to know beforehand and not be surprised if things develop. I think I would feel like it was easier to move on if they broke up.

To answer your questions

1. I still love him deep down, I only just realized. Which is also a humiliating feeling. But I know I would never take him back, I know he ruined it, and I dont want him back. But although I found out after I felt a new level of betrayal, especially since I came out of the break up with "the blame" for it, because I walked around thinking that I should have done things different and he would have stayed, but then it turns out he cheated on me a week before and left me for that.

2. Its not really about revenge, I think its more that I want him to acknowledge me, because my ego is so bruised. I feel like its a bruise I can't repair on my own, because I didnt inflict it. I know time will heal, but it feels like it would be better faster if he came running back begging for forgiveness. Also I think a big part of wanting this is I want to have a conversation with him where I feel like he would listen (because he hopes it would work out), and then I could really get my say and get closure. 

3. The more I think about it and read everyones replies I have to stick to no telling him, unless my fantasy of him coming back asking for a second chance happens, then I would tell him. But the angry text I think would just give him an ego boost. 

I am thinking about running into him tho. After six months of no contact and my progress has really stopped, maybe it would help a bit. Maybe I would see him and realize a lot now is just fantasy, and that hes just "some guy". Maybe also I get a bit of that "revenge" if you can call it that, by just being nice, short and polite to him. Right now I feel like he walks around feeling like I loved him and he could get me back any time, and maybe I would feel like I gained a bit of control back by showing him that Im happy and fine. Nothing huge obviously, but Ive been avoiding him like the plague. It would be quite easy to stage a run in I think. Just say surprised "Oh hey, are you on your way back from work? Cool, have a nice evening:)" and then walk away. Surprise him that I dont want to stop and have a long talk, not ask how he's doing. Just smile and seem happy and carefree. And maybe I could turn the "fantasy" in my head from him thinking Im so sad alone and he gloating, to he probably wonders why Im so happy and maybe see me and miss me and be unsure if he made the right choice. 

At the same time I avoided him because I was terrified that I would see him and miss him deeply. But right now I feel so terrible, that the question is do I really have anything to lose? I know Im extremely self disciplined, so if I see him, I won't text him or anything after, I would 100% stick to the plan. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

We broke up a little more than six months ago, I went into no contact when I found out. The cheating definitely made me more obsessed, I cut off all contact, but I can't help to have my ears out just because Im afraid to be that "surprised" again, it was such a horrible feeling. 

Ive tried to cut off contact, date other people, travel alone, focus on work and improving my life, make new memories with friends, try out new things. I would love counseling, but I think its a bit expensive, and I feel like I hear everyone saying they met the wrong therapist, didnt get much out of it and so on. It feels a bit like I wouldn't know where to start about finding a good one. I actually have tried to do a little research, ask friends and so on. I bought a new apartment to get a new start, and he bought one very close to me a few months after. 

I know he was the idiot for cheating, but I can't help to feel so belittled and humiliated, and I feel like that feeling gets inflated if he sticks around with her. 

Your efforts to move on are certainly commendable.

Seeing a therapist about your relationship is a healthy step. Talk to friends and family, and even us, but we can't provide the guidance or training you need. With such delicate situations like these another factor is that your friends and/or family may inject their own emotions instead of staying objective. Counselors can teach you effective techniques to overcome hurt and lead a healthy, happy life (if you choose to seek one).

It's not easy to get over being cheated on, but it will come. Do not rush the process or progress and take your time. Your feelings are intimate and cannot be activated or deactivated upon demand. Never give up believing that you deserve better and never let yourself feel alone in this.

I know you're furious about him ditching you for someone else - how dare he! Whatever it takes to convince him to return to you, you will do it.

Can you really justify trying to get him back on the basis of this? Recently, you learned that he preferred another girl to you, and you are angry and jealous that she is sharing his life with him instead of you. Maybe you should think things over very carefully before you try to get him back.

So this new girl he's dating - she is not really to blame for him falling for her while he was dating you, is she? She and your ex shared a mutual attraction, and things progressed from there.

Your ex and you broke up a long time ago, so disrupting their lives now would be really unfair.

Edited January 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I know you cheated bla bla bla and it made me feel so little for how I found out, and for who you cheated on me with.

 

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I hate to admit it, but him keep seeing her is probably the thing keeping me most from fully recovery, because its a constant reminder. 

What is it about this particular girl he's seeing that makes you feel this way about HER?  Was she a friend of yours that he cheated on you with?

[glows]

I don’t see the point in reaching out. 1) He wasn’t much to write home about if he cheated on you or you suspected him of cheating and 2) if you truly cared about this man despite his rubbery lousy morals wouldn’t you want to see him happy anyway?

Are you sure you’re not projecting your own anger and frustration with yourself or feeling lonely onto an old person from the past who has long moved on? 

 

[stillafool]

My thoughts are he will just read what you wrote, feel bad he hurt you for a minute, ,may apologize; but will soon get over it and continue to move on with their lives.  It's doubtful it will cause a break up of their relationship.

[Alpacalia]

After recently finding out that you were cheated on, wanting your ex to be happy makes no sense. You're not there yet. That's okay.

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Yeah... What's stopping me this whole time was that I didnt want to give him the control or satisfaction of knowing how much I care about what happen, or give their relationship more value by telling him how much it hurt me.

I still love him deep down...

Yah, you're clearly not over him. If you were, you would be a lot less preoccupied about whatever's going on or not going on with him.

Since you'd never take him back, the straightforward thing to do is resolve to walk away firmly, process your feelings (possibly with a therapist if you would like that), and eventually move on. There is no actual positive reason to concern yourself about him or his relationships. "Closure" is something we reach sooner or later of our own accord, and time will eventually heal this "wound"...

Edited January 22, 2023 by mark clemson