Should I confront my ex about the cheating?

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I feel so incredibly bitter and angry about it, and mostly that he doesn't know that I know, he got away with it with no bad feelings. And I want him to feel bad! 

I tried writing out the text in notes several times, as a letter, but it doesn't help much, just makes me more angry, just makes me cry and feel like s***. It makes me so frozen I can't get things done, I have a hard time living my life when Im in this frozen stage. I do things, but I dont enjoy them, and I walk around all day waiting for what feels like the next bomb to drop, Im terrified someone is gonna tell me that they're in a real relationship or something.

Im really hoping that he feels that its very unrewarding, that he grows tired of her fast, or that he compares her to me and starts missing me. What I want to do is make him regret it, so he comes back begging so I can tell him why he can't have me back, and that its all his fault, and that he [messed] up, and that I wanted us to be together, and I want him to see how much I did to keep us together, while he ruined it. I want him to regret it and blame himself like I blame him. But I dont know how to do that. 

This is so sad Runninggirl that you still feel this way.  I can tell you that the fastest way to healing your heart is forgiveness.  If you can forgive him (quietly) and wish them well the bitterness will start to subside.  Holding on to bitterness will poison you physically and emotionally and prevent you from moving forward to happiness.  Pretty much all of us have been cheated on and hurt in our lives.  It's almost a part of life and the growing process.  I too lost someone I loved to another woman.  It hurt like hell but in the end I had to accept it in order to move on.  As you know not everything in this life is fair.  You losing him to another girl just means he wasn't the man you're supposed to be with.   Let him go in your heart and let that space be filled with a man who can make you happy.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

 You losing him to another girl just means he wasn't the man you're supposed to be with.  

Yes exactly this. The problem is the obsessive thoughts about him. Most of what you're posting isn't about reality - it's about thoughts in your head. Thinking he's thinking about you a certain way, fantasies about what you would say to him if you met,  etc. Here's the thing: closure always comes from within. He can't provide that for you. It has to come from you. Forgiving him helps you. Staying resentful hurts you. Neither of these things will impact him one way or the other.

Edited January 22, 2023 by Weezy1973

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/21/2023 at 8:51 AM, Runninggirl said:

No right after we broke up I was walking in the city centre behind two girls, and one of them told in explicit details about sleeping with my ex, and when it had happened and for how long and so.

You must have been walking extremely close to those two strangers.   That sounds kind of odd.

In any case, I'm wondering - is this the same person you were writing about in November?   My advice holds whether it's him or not, but especially if it is:  

You need to let it go.  It's in the past.  He is not important in your life now.  Confronting him now (and we can't ignore the very unreliable way your info was sourced) really won't do anything for you except reinforce your obsession.  

The power is in letting go.   

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this may be a case of "can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse".

Meaning someone who has no integrity is not worth pouring your heart out to. It's better to just walk away. 

[JTSW]

On 1/21/2023 at 4:40 PM, Runninggirl said:

I feel like he got away with it by me not saying anything

He got away with it anyway, saying something to him is not going to change that. 

Saying something is not going to change anything.

On 1/21/2023 at 6:33 PM, Runninggirl said:

I feel so angry that he "got off scotch free". And its eating me up, Im crying myself to sleep and I feel completely frozen and all I want to do is ruin his bliss. I feel so incredibly bitter and angry about it, and mostly that he doesn't know that I know, he got away with it with no bad feelings. And I want him to feel bad! 

He obviously didn't care when he cheated so he's not going to care that you know about it and is hurt by it.

He wont feel bad. He never felt bad.

You kicking up now after so long is going to make you look insane and they will end up laughing you.

It will make things worse, not better.

You need help. I understand therapy is expensive but you really need some help.

Confronting him is not going to help.

Edited January 23, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

"Closure" is something we reach sooner or later of our own accord, and time will eventually heal this "wound".

So true.

OP this is YOUR process.

So be kind to yourself.

[Runninggirl]

I did the running into him-plan yesterday, and Im glad I did, hear me out;

First of all it made me realize it would have no effect sending him a message telling him I know. Absolutely nothing, because I had made a figure of him in my head where he would be mature enough to read such a message, but he is way too uncomfortable for that. He would choose flight, and even if he felt bad I would never know because his ego would never tell me. 

So this is how it went down:

He commutes to work, and I know when, because he has done the same for such a long time. I know he gets off earlier on mondays, and we have the same street that is closed on the sides that we both have to walk; so there is no other way, unless you would go around, which takes a lot longer. Its 100% natural we would run into eachother there. I do however always walk around or try not to go there when I know he walks there, to avoid run-ins after the break up. But this time, I showered, got ready so I felt good and fresh looking. The second I was gonna leave my house I felt unsure; what if this would pull me back, what if I just miss him more? 

As I walked, I walked into him at the perfect place. I saw him for a split second, but was looking down at my phone, but I knew he was coming. As I looked up a few meters in front of him he had completely stopped, looking at me, taking his headphones off. He didnt approach me, just stood there, looking like I just hit him with my car. He was waiting for me to approach, and he looked so "guilty", so uncomfortable, as if he knew I knew he had cheated, and was afraid what was coming. 

I thought I would feel nervous, but I didnt. And it was strange that he didnt look like an evil horrible person, he felt so weirdly normal and familiar. I said "Hi:)" and gave him a hug. I thought he would be the one on top, going for a hug, asking how I was etc, like I always to with the exes I broke up with. Because Im always just curious, but dont care about them anymore. He wasn't gonna give me a hug if I didnt lean in for it. I made a comment (positive) on his clothes, he brushed it off, looked cold and not as handsome as always. A bit tired (which he probably was, cold and tired). 

He didnt ask me how I was, instead he curiously said "where are you going? Are you going to work?". Without purpose I gave a very vague no and what sounded like a lie about just running some errands. If I was him I would think I was lying because I was going on a date or something. He said "Well Im horrible tired, so Im just going home for a nap" and then he sort of initiated walking, and I started walking and said "Have a nice day" and walked on. 

And Im sort of happy with it. Im happy it didnt last longer, because it didnt have an effect on me. Im happy he seemed nervous and guilty, because I hope he feels guilty when he sees me. But most of all I of course hope he feels regret. I hope it makes him question if he made the wrong decision going further with the girl he cheated with. I hope it makes him think about me. And from how awkward he was, I realized I would never have the conversation about the cheating that I wanted to have, because he would never be comfortable enough to talk about it, he would try to avoid the awkwardness. 

The only thing Im disappointed about was that I wish he would have wanted to stay longer. I wish he would have seemed to miss me more than he thought it was awkward, so he would try to hug me, or ask how I was or something. Anything. I wish I got some sort of proof or confirmation that he missed me too. 

But it really made me realize what a coward he is. That never ever would he text me even if he wanted to, he would never apologize, he would never try to get back together because he can't bear the work it would take. 

But it didnt make me feel worse, which Im happy about. And it reminded me of some of his really bad qualities. And I feel like I looked good and got to rub it in his face a bit, which is stupid and bitter, but Im happy about it. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

 . I wish I got some sort of proof or confirmation that he missed me too.

Hopefully you have found the closure you need to move forward. He doesn't seem interested so that may help you finally close this chapter. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try to avoid run-ins. Just go your own way now.

[Alpacalia]

It is great to hear that OP. I'm sure you faced a very difficult task head on, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy one for you to deal with.

Hopefully, you won't run into him again since you both live nearby.

I'd consider moving if I were you. Ick.

[Runninggirl]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is great to hear that OP. I'm sure you faced a very difficult task head on, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy one for you to deal with.

Hopefully, you won't run into him again since you both live nearby.

I'd consider moving if I were you. Ick.

Thanks. I won't move as I've finally gotten my dream apartment, and I lived here first.. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you have found the closure you need to move forward. He doesn't seem interested so that may help you finally close this chapter. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try to avoid run-ins. Just go your own way now.

Thank you. The feelings doesn't just go away, but I think it was a good step. All one hear about is no contact, and Im a big believer in no contact, but I think this time it did help to see him after all that time. It took him a bit off the pedestal for me, especially since I didnt feel nervous like I thought I would. It wasn't as big of a deal as I thought, which was nice. Its also nice not to be afraid of running into him as much, because I know it doesnt ruin all progress. 

Also it silenced my need to text him about the infidelity. If it happens ever that he comes running regretful I will tell him, if not I think Im cool with just letting it be. 

 

The petty part of me still hope I did screw him over a bit by running into him, to be honest. I dont care if its not what I should feel, its how I feel. I want him to suffer too, and I hope he saw me and thought "what the f*** did I do". 

I saw someone ask above if its the last guy I dated, its not, its a very long while back, and we were on and off a few times after. It was really the most serious relationship of my life, and also why it was the most heartbreaking one to end like this. I really thought he was the love of my life, he was home, he was everything to me, and I never ever thought he would be so heartless towards me. So when it ended and I went no contact, we broke it several times, and when I went no contact the final time I really did feel like I made a lot of process. I could focus on other guys, other things and so on, but I sort of swept a lot under the rug. And its been really coming back. I hope its just a last big wave. Ive felt bad after relationships have ended before, but mostly out of ego or stuff like that. This is the only relationship where I really felt true grief. 

Seeing him also made me a bit less bitter about cheating actually. I obviously hope he f***s it up, or is unhappy with her so they dont end up together, but its been overshadowing everything for me. I feel a bit more gratitude for the positive aspects of the relationship that was prior to the cheating now as well. I hope in the future that Im able to let go of the resentment and anger, and sit with some positive memories of the years that were good when we were together and solid. 

 

Thanks everyone for giving me a place to write out my feelings, share my worries and get valuable input. Very much appreciated! Much love 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/24/2023 at 11:08 PM, Runninggirl said:

The petty part of me still hope I did screw him over a bit by running into him,

Unfortunately, this is wishful thinking on your part. He doesn't appear to care enough to be affected. He therefore is not going to suffer the same way you are. If anything, he knows it was no accidental run-in. 

However, hopefully you will be able to put him behind you now. Give yourself more time to heal, and don't seek him out anymore. 

Edited January 26, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[JTSW]

On 1/24/2023 at 5:43 PM, Runninggirl said:

He seemed nervous and guilty, because I hope he feels guilty when he sees me. But most of all I of course hope he feels regret. I hope it makes him question if he made the wrong decision going further with the girl he cheated with. I hope it makes him think about me.

Nervous yes, because he was hoping you wouldn't kick off on him.

I highly doubt he feels guilty.

On 1/24/2023 at 10:08 PM, Runninggirl said:

The petty part of me still hope I did screw him over a bit by running into him, to be honest. I dont care if its not what I should feel, its how I feel. I want him to suffer too, and I hope he saw me and thought "what the f*** did I do". 

Highly doubtful. 

He definitely didn't want to be there.

I don't think seeing you changed anything.

[Alpacalia]

On 1/24/2023 at 2:08 PM, Runninggirl said:

I've finally gotten my dream apartment, and I lived here first.. 

Is the bolded accurate? If you think about how uncomfortable he seemed around you after he ran into you, it makes no sense why he would choose to live next to you. It is my hope that this is indeed what you are saying. In light of how difficult this has been for you over the past few months.

Edited January 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

I too think he was as aware it wasn't an accidental run in and that's why he didn't reach out first to give you a hug nor have any interest in hanging around for a chat.  If you're still wishing bad things happen between him and his girl you're still bitter.  You really need to check into some sort of counseling to get over this guy.  The feelings you had before you arranged this meet are going to resurface.

[glows]

Hopefully you’re able to let go of any anger and bitterness now moving forward. It may take some time but it’s a conscious choice to keep your mind occupied. Getting over someone doesn’t happen miraculously. It’s choices day in and day out for quite some time saying to yourself it’s over and actively engaging in new experiences.

A lot of people make the mistake of analyzing their emotions too much and what they feel. You’re not governed by the chaotic emotions after a break up or the idea that someone might have cheated on you. Make goals for yourself and keep your mind and body active. Don’t ruminate and dwell. Things will get better if you actively make it so, not passively wait to feel better.

[JTSW]

I also agree that he knew this wasn't a 'chance run-in'. 

That's why he stopped and went on alert.

I think you read him wrong too.

You assumed what you wanted to believe is true because you are still hoping he will turn around and take you back, but he wont.

He's not kicking himself, nor thinking about you.

If he cared at all he wouldn't have cheated to begin with.

 

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/24/2023 at 3:08 PM, Runninggirl said:

 

I saw someone ask above if its the last guy I dated, its not, its a very long while back, and we were on and off a few times after.

Interesting - since the guy in November also lives on your street very close to you.    

I'm sorry you are putting yourself through things like this.   Very sincerely I suggest you seek some counseling to help you navigate things that happen in relationships.   You will be disappointed, you will make questionable choices that get you into trouble, you will imagine things to be different than they are and experience things in different ways than the object of your affection / attention does.  It's all normal.  But some help in getting through all of those things can be a great benefit.

[stillafool]

Runninggirl when I looked back at your very first post about this guy you two were never really in a relationship.  It seemed at one time you were on the brink of one and he backed off and you've tried to recapture that moment every since.  He's always been hot and cold when it comes to you and started seeing the other girl while talking to you.  I don't know why you have the idea that you were in this long relationship with him and he cheated which is what broke you up.  It reads like you were never actually in a relationship but some long distance thing where he was still seeing and talking to other girls.  You said you were stalking him and that's how you knew what he was doing.  If you have medical insurance you can get therapy for a reasonable rate.  Talk to your primary care doctor and tell her you've been obsessed over this man since 2021 or longer and can't get over it.  Ask him to refer you to a psychologist.  With a  referral the cost shouldn't be much, if anything, depending on your insurance.  You really need to do whatever it takes to get you over this so you don't waste another 3 years or more hoping for something that is never going to happen.  You will be happy again, just not with this guy and you have to accept that.

[Alpacalia]

Was it true that you never had a formal relationship with him?

It is quite curious that he chose to move a short distance from your apartment. Unless the reverse is true. I am not arguing that it is, but if it is, and you're trying to move past him, moving to his neighborhood would not be the best move on your part as you were trying to leave him behind.

 

[Runninggirl]

On 1/26/2023 at 11:20 AM, Alpacalia said:

Is the bolded accurate? If you think about how uncomfortable he seemed around you after he ran into you, it makes no sense why he would choose to live next to you. It is my hope that this is indeed what you are saying. In light of how difficult this has been for you over the past few months.

I moved here in march, he moved here in july, we were very much in contact at the time I moved here so he knew I was here, even came over to see the apartment and helped me with some stuff. 

On 1/26/2023 at 2:51 PM, stillafool said:

I too think he was as aware it wasn't an accidental run in and that's why he didn't reach out first to give you a hug nor have any interest in hanging around for a chat.  If you're still wishing bad things happen between him and his girl you're still bitter.  You really need to check into some sort of counseling to get over this guy.  The feelings you had before you arranged this meet are going to resurface.

Im definitely still bitter, and Ive scheduled an appointment with my GP hoping he will give me some referral for a therapist. 

Im 100% sure he thinks its accidental, so Im not worried about that. I think he was just uncomfortable. 

On 1/26/2023 at 3:17 PM, glows said:

Hopefully you’re able to let go of any anger and bitterness now moving forward. It may take some time but it’s a conscious choice to keep your mind occupied. Getting over someone doesn’t happen miraculously. It’s choices day in and day out for quite some time saying to yourself it’s over and actively engaging in new experiences.

A lot of people make the mistake of analyzing their emotions too much and what they feel. You’re not governed by the chaotic emotions after a break up or the idea that someone might have cheated on you. Make goals for yourself and keep your mind and body active. Don’t ruminate and dwell. Things will get better if you actively make it so, not passively wait to feel better.

Thank you, Im gonna try to get back into training this upcoming week, make good schedules for myself to be proactive with other things in life. 

On 1/27/2023 at 10:42 AM, JTSW said:

I also agree that he knew this wasn't a 'chance run-in'. 

That's why he stopped and went on alert.

I think you read him wrong too.

You assumed what you wanted to believe is true because you are still hoping he will turn around and take you back, but he wont.

He's not kicking himself, nor thinking about you.

If he cared at all he wouldn't have cheated to begin with.

 

Impossible to say, but Im 100% sure he thinks it was an accident. But I think he stopped and went on alert because hes uncomfortable and dont know how to be around me. Like the elephant in the room, and we just pretend its not there. 

On 1/27/2023 at 4:23 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Interesting - since the guy in November also lives on your street very close to you.    

I'm sorry you are putting yourself through things like this.   Very sincerely I suggest you seek some counseling to help you navigate things that happen in relationships.   You will be disappointed, you will make questionable choices that get you into trouble, you will imagine things to be different than they are and experience things in different ways than the object of your affection / attention does.  It's all normal.  But some help in getting through all of those things can be a great benefit.

yes, I live in a very small town, with only around 30 000 inhabitants. I have two exes live close here, one on my street, and my previous real ex from many years ago lived next to where I work. Everywhere in the city here is walking distance, and there's only really one of everything, so its hard to avoid people after. only a couple of bars, one cinema, a few grocery stores, all the clothing stores are right next to each other and so on. 

On 1/27/2023 at 5:24 PM, stillafool said:

Runninggirl when I looked back at your very first post about this guy you two were never really in a relationship.  It seemed at one time you were on the brink of one and he backed off and you've tried to recapture that moment every since.  He's always been hot and cold when it comes to you and started seeing the other girl while talking to you.  I don't know why you have the idea that you were in this long relationship with him and he cheated which is what broke you up.  It reads like you were never actually in a relationship but some long distance thing where he was still seeing and talking to other girls.  You said you were stalking him and that's how you knew what he was doing.  If you have medical insurance you can get therapy for a reasonable rate.  Talk to your primary care doctor and tell her you've been obsessed over this man since 2021 or longer and can't get over it.  Ask him to refer you to a psychologist.  With a  referral the cost shouldn't be much, if anything, depending on your insurance.  You really need to do whatever it takes to get you over this so you don't waste another 3 years or more hoping for something that is never going to happen.  You will be happy again, just not with this guy and you have to accept that.

Ive booked an appointment  Hopefully the GP will agree and give me a referral. I dont live in the US so its a bit different here

On 1/27/2023 at 7:56 PM, Alpacalia said:

Was it true that you never had a formal relationship with him?

It is quite curious that he chose to move a short distance from your apartment. Unless the reverse is true. I am not arguing that it is, but if it is, and you're trying to move past him, moving to his neighborhood would not be the best move on your part as you were trying to leave him behind.

 

No, we had a formal relationship for years, and then an on and off relationship for a few years due to long distance and issues. But whenever I tried to move on he wouldn't let me, which led me to be very attached and obsessed. after our final no contact I was very set on moving on, started dating more people, getting more out there and so on, but the cheating haunts me. 

He bought the apartment at a time when we were very much speaking, and he seemed interested in getting back together as well. I lived here first. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

No, we had a formal relationship for years,

How many years were you together as a couple?

[glows]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Thank you, Im gonna try to get back into training this upcoming week, make good schedules for myself to be proactive with other things in life. 

Wonderful! So glad to hear this. Yes, switch your focus to other things and let this gradually fade. Be proactive and decide where you wish to go and spend your time. There will be times you may think of this person but let it be and stay focused.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

No, we had a formal relationship for years, and then an on and off relationship for a few years due to long distance and issues. But whenever I tried to move on he wouldn't let me, which led me to be very attached and obsessed. after our final no contact I was very set on moving on, started dating more people, getting more out there and so on, but the cheating haunts me. 

He bought the apartment at a time when we were very much speaking, and he seemed interested in getting back together as well. I lived here first. 

Not sure what his reasoning is for moving so close to you considering the off/on nature of the relationship, but what the heck.

Glad you're moving on though.

Edited January 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

I've read and participated in all the threads you've started under this username. I think you might have others. There are very consistent patterns.  In these threads,  you have  not  been in a solid viable relationship with any of the men.  Or, is this all about one man (I am thinking that it is)?  You've had some type of relationship(s)  which were never defined, sex was had, guy(s) faded off, and you spend years stalking and trying to translate "signals" you think you're getting.   

Do you realize that it's very strange and frankly, unbelievable to any outside observer that you learned a man "cheated" on you (at this point it's immaterial that you weren't in an exclusive relationship anyway) because you were walking directly behind women who were talking to each other on the street and you could hear and understand every word they said?   Because of this scenario, you are considering confronting the man?

I'm not here to be hurtful - I would sincerely like you to think about this.  What would you think if someone told you this?  You would probably think it was not possible.   

The places you're allowing your mind to carry you are not good for you.  They certainly won't lead you anywhere you want to be in a relationship.  Please get help with this before you try any more dating and especially any further interaction with this (or these, if there are more than one object of your obsessions) fellows.

[JTSW]

22 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im 100% sure he thinks it was an accident.

If it makes you feel better to believe this then ok.

But the truth of the matter here is that he knew that it wasn't an accident.

It's actually quite obsessive behaviour on your part and you are the only one that can't see it/

22 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

led me to be very attached and obsessed

This says allot. 

You have issues that need to be looked into.