Should I confront my ex about the cheating?

[JTSW]

It sounds like you are hoping that he still wants you.

Either way it doesn't matter because he has a gf.

Block him from social media and be done with him once and for all.

[NuevoYorko]

You know, OP,  every time you indulge yourself this way in any matter regarding this guy - or any guy you are fixated on - you are kind of undoing any progress you may have made towards moving on.  

Do you want to see yourself repeating this behavior for years into your future?  That would be a sad way to live.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/1/2023 at 11:11 PM, Runninggirl said:

I would never go back to someone who's been with someone else in a serious way in between dating me. cheated on me. 

Fixed that for you. 

[Runninggirl]

On 5/1/2023 at 11:41 PM, stillafool said:

It's always amazes me how you walk out of a place and your ex just happens to be standing there.  At any rate what is the point you're trying to make with this update?  Is it that you got another job at the same company that your ex is working for?  You need to move on from that company so you can finally get over this guy.  I don't think he's really an ex but someone you are infatuated with.  He's still with his girlfriend and has not asked you out on a date.  The rest is just fluff.  He's not trying to keep you around because he already knows you'll always be around.

We live in a very small town, so its not that strange. We luckily dont work at the same company, no  

I was just making an update because I didnt have anyone else to talk to about it. Im making it a point not to talk about it with friends and keep it "alive" with my friends. 

Everything Im writing is the truth even if you dont believe it. Why would I make it up on an anonymous forum? The whole point with such an anonymous place is to be able to be honest without being recognized. 

On 5/1/2023 at 11:49 PM, IrinaM said:

OP have you been to see a psychiatrist? is there any chance you could have a disorder?

Nobody runs into their ex at this rate. In some of your previous posts you even admit to setting up fake accidental run-ins.

I honestly wonder if you are stalking somebody while suffering from the delusion that you are being pursued by a lovesick ex. If that is the case, nobody here will be able to convince you of it. But there is medication that can help you. I'm not trying to be mean. Delusional disorders are extremely dangerous and worsen over time. Google "Teleka Patrick"

Please please consider printing out this thread and taking it with you to your appointment. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Its not uncommon at a small place, I run into his friends too all the time, old coworkers, current colleagues, old high school friends etc. Its a very small town where "everyone knows everyone." There's only three bars and two night clubs here, a few restaurants, one mall etc  

I definitely dont have a disorder, but I appreciate your concern. 

 

On 5/2/2023 at 9:43 AM, Wiseman2 said:

 Congratulations on the new job. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Why allow someone who cheated on and dumped you access to your personal life? 

Try to live your life and enjoy yourself without hoping he notices or contacts you. Try to broaden your social horizons as far as where you go and what types of things and activities you pursue. It's time to step into the future and let go of this bad reminder.

Thank you  I didnt remove him because I didnt want to seem bothered or show that I cared after he cheated. Didnt want to prove how much he hurt me back then, and he wasn't making any contact until now. I haven't heard from him after I saw him, but I will unfollow him now. Ive also considered telling our mutual friend who told him where we were that I dont really appreciate him helping him ambushing me. If he didnt want me then, he should respect me enough to leave me alone, and his friends should have stopped him. 

 

On 5/2/2023 at 10:24 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You know, OP,  every time you indulge yourself this way in any matter regarding this guy - or any guy you are fixated on - you are kind of undoing any progress you may have made towards moving on.  

Do you want to see yourself repeating this behavior for years into your future?  That would be a sad way to live.

I know. But I feel kind of fine. I feel like it helped to just "debrief" the situation here and move on with my life. The day after I was quite hung over, but the day after that I went for a run and ran 10k for the second time in my life with a pretty decent time! Ive also dived into organizing some summer plans with friends! 

What annoys me a lot is that my friends are very pushy about downloading tinder, meeting a guy, they're all annoyed that I haven't been dating anyone in a while, which I think is sad and annoying. Im trying to tell them Im just focusing on myself, and Im happy doing it, and I dont feel like forcing anything. Don't get why everyone is belittling me for not dating. they're saying it with a serious voice and being like "You NEED to get laid, you need some experience, just go out and casually date". Doesn't help that I say Im not really into casually dating. Bah

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Fixed that for you. 

Thank you, you are correct!

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

 didnt remove him because I didnt want to seem bothered or show that I cared after he cheated. Didnt want to prove how much he hurt me back then.

What annoys me a lot is that my friends are very pushy about downloading tinder, meeting a guy, 

Deleting and blocking is not a game or hidden message. It's like locking your car or home to keep undesirables out. Respect your privacy and delete and block him.

Your friends seem to hope that you move on from him soon. However you don't have to download hookup apps to move forward, you just have to sever ties including social media. 

[Runninggirl]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Deleting and blocking is not a game or hidden message. It's like locking your car or home to keep undesirables out. Respect your privacy and delete and block him.

Your friends seem to hope that you move on from him soon. However you don't have to download hookup apps to move forward, you just have to sever ties including social media. 

Good point, I will remove him. I unfollowed him on instagram a while back, but haven't blocked his number or snapchat before. 

My friends are not trying to make me move on, they dont know Ive heard from him, and if they ask I say I dont think about it. They're just in long term relationships and bored and expect me to fill their life with funny dating stories and do things I dont do (one night stands and random hook ups) for their sake. I think its selfish and uncalled for, and a bit rude. Ive told them numerous times I dont appreciate being told what to do like a little kid, and being told I should or have to do anything dating wise, but they all think they know better than me what's right for me. They think it would be healthy to hook up with some random guys for "experience". I did the dating around when I was younger, and I dont need to do that anymore. I want to meet someone in a natural way, have a connection and build something, not go around desperately searching, dating and hooking up. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

ts not uncommon at a small place, I run into his friends too all the time, old coworkers, current colleagues, old high school friends etc. Its a very small town where "everyone knows everyone." There's only three bars and two night clubs here, a few restaurants, one mall etc

I now live in a town that is smaller than the one you describe above and I don't run into people I don't want to see whenever I step out of a door.  It makes no sense.  I don't walk behind women and listen to their conversations either, doesn't make sense.  Also even if you aren't talking to your friends about this guy they are fully aware that you are still hung up on him and that is why you can't move on and date other men.  You may think they are not aware that you are still in pain about him but they are.  That's why they are pushing you to date other men so hopefully you will find someone to help you finally get over this guy.  Don't say you aren't still hung up on him or you wouldn't keep coming to LS to update us on miniscule actions between you two.  Why? He is not trying to keep you around nor is he thinking of you.  He should be blocked, out of your mind by now.

Edited May 3, 2023 by stillafool

[Runninggirl]

On 5/3/2023 at 4:59 PM, stillafool said:

I now live in a town that is smaller than the one you describe above and I don't run into people I don't want to see whenever I step out of a door.  It makes no sense.  I don't walk behind women and listen to their conversations either, doesn't make sense.  Also even if you aren't talking to your friends about this guy they are fully aware that you are still hung up on him and that is why you can't move on and date other men.  You may think they are not aware that you are still in pain about him but they are.  That's why they are pushing you to date other men so hopefully you will find someone to help you finally get over this guy.  Don't say you aren't still hung up on him or you wouldn't keep coming to LS to update us on miniscule actions between you two.  Why? He is not trying to keep you around nor is he thinking of you.  He should be blocked, out of your mind by now.

I can't convince you that my posts aren't sincere or that Im telling the truth, because I obviously can't post any proof here. I appreciate all input, but Im not delusional

Hung up isn't black and white. I post here because it affects me, doesn't mean it affects my day to day like before. Grief/healing or whatever you call it isn't linear, and I really like to get things out, and I dont have any other outlet than LS  

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Runninggirl said:

and I dont have any other outlet than LS  

What about your girlfriends, you don't talk about him to them?  Most single women friends talk out their boyfriend problems with their friends.  That's one of the joys of having women as friends.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/3/2023 at 7:23 AM, Runninggirl said:

, I will remove him. I unfollowed him on instagram a while back, but haven't blocked his number or snapchat before. 

Take this time to review all your social media settings. Reset your privacy settings. It's important to protect your privacy and sanity. Clear out the dead weight. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[Runninggirl]

On 5/4/2023 at 9:33 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Take this time to review all your social media settings. Reset your privacy settings. It's important to protect your privacy and sanity. Clear out the dead weight. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Thanks. Im doing a little "spring cleaning" in my life in general. Spending the weekend throwing going through my closet, tomorrow Im making some plans to fresh up my apartment, I also planned on making a "rest of the year" book. Like a diary/visionboard and try to force myself every day to set subgoals, make lists of what Im grateful for, find something positive every day etc

 

On 5/4/2023 at 8:16 PM, stillafool said:

What about your girlfriends, you don't talk about him to them?  Most single women friends talk out their boyfriend problems with their friends.  That's one of the joys of having women as friends.

Not about him, not for many months. I feel its better to "get it out" sometimes like on LS, but for the most part try not to keep it alive among friends. I let them talk about their boyfriends now instead, and if I ask I just talk about some hot guy I talked to or saw or that messaged me or something small I dont care about. 

[basil67]

I love your idea for 'spring cleaning' your life.  It all sounds like a great plan!

[Runninggirl]

Hi! 

A little update from me on the situation. After the last time I posted he reached out a few times, but I didnt respond so he stopped. It wasn't nothing meaningful, just stupid breadcrumbs with no valuable information. We've also run into each other one more time, but this time he was on a run, and I was walking from the local mall. I didnt even see him first, because in all the years we were together he had never been into running og any sports. My immediate reaction was just laughter from seeing it. He didnt stop, he just yelled something on his way pass me.

I love running, hence my username, which was why I was surprised he was running because he would never go on a run with me. 

I had a feeling his rebound/girlfriend was finally going south a bit, and I was feeling generally good about myself. I even went on a family vacation which felt very nice. I dipped my toe into dating, and Im going on my first date again on friday with what seems like a really nice guy. 

Summer has been a bit difficult as it means lack of routines, too much time alone with my head and so on.

Suddenly he adds me on snapmap - why on earth does he want me to see his location? He's away, and Im guessing he just wants to brag about vacation. Im just happy that means I won't run into him, so I dont have to avoid his streets as much as I have lately. But when I walk past his house on my way to the store I see his girlfriend and my stomach turned. She's going into his apartment, and Im thinking "wtf how comfortable are they". I make a quick search and find out she moved into his apartment this week. they live together! The same guy who wouldn't progress out relationship much at all. I feel horrible. They're in the midts of moving in together, and I hate that I know. 

I feel absolutely crushed. Later the same evening I get a friend request on Garmin. Why on earth is he adding me - his ex - on a meaningless app like that while he's away, and his girlfriend is at home moving into his place? 

Im so f***ing furious, I feel like Im being punched back to square one. 

on the other hand Im very excited for the date on friday. I dont think it will be the love of my life, but Im excited just to have a good time, and I hope its a good distraction, and that its proof that there are other people out there. 

 

[Runninggirl]

Also Im planning on doing a three week solo travel in europe in two weeks, just to "find myself" a bit again, as corny as it sounds. 

Can't wait for fall, for work and routines. I miss my colleagues. 

[JTSW]

You still haven't let go, no matter how many vacations or dates you go on.

You searched them up to find out about their relationship status which shows you are still hung up on it all.

Don't accept any of his requests.

Block him.

Edited July 10, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I had a feeling his rebound/girlfriend was finally going south a bit.  I walk past his house on my way to the store I see his girlfriend and my stomach turned. . I make a quick search and find out she moved into his apartment this week. they live together! 

Sorry this is happening. It can sting to see an ex move on.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. There's no point keeping tabs on him..

You're doing the right thing going on vacation and setting up dates.

[stillafool]

I agree you haven't let this obsession with this guy go yet.  What did he say and want from you when he contacted you?  Did you tell him to not contact you again?  Did you block him? Did you reject the add ons?  Now that you see he has moved his girl in with him your question has been answered as to how long the honeymoon phase lasts.  It sounds like it's heating up with them and they are getting more serious about each other.  I thought you said you were already seeing other guys, but whatever, I'm glad you've got a date and hope it goes well.  How is therapy going?

 

Edited July 10, 2023 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Suddenly he adds me on snapmap - why on earth does he want me to see his location?

I don't know how this works, but surely you can delete him/block him/not accept the add. No?

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I get a friend request on Garmin. Why on earth is he adding me

Again, why do you let him? (Unless you didn't accept the request - again, I don't use such apps so I don't know they work)

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I make a quick search and find out she moved into his apartment this week.

Why did you do this? 

[JTSW]

@Runninggirl did you accept his requests?

[stillafool]

Of course she did or sent them.

[glows]

Can you not focus on anything he does and enjoy a more forward focused look to the future? What I mean by this is conditioning yourself into focusing on what matters to you. You’re a runner so focus. Im sure you train in your spare time and take up marathons or other running events. When you’re running do you let a whiff of a hot dog stand on the side of the road derail you? 

The same logic applies. Stay focused and enjoy your life now.

[Runninggirl]

 

 

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

You still haven't let go, no matter how many vacations or dates you go on.

You searched them up to find out about their relationship status which shows you are still hung up on it all.

Don't accept any of his requests.

Block him.

Its not just a choice to let go, its a process. I feel like every time I feel better I get hit like a truck with something. I didnt search them up, but his house is on the way to my gym, I can't help but pass it. i normally never see him, so its fine. Ive been a bit unlucky (or maybe lucky Ill think in hindsight knowing that they are serious, makes it easier to let go).

But its a process, I wish it was so easy, but unfortunately Im not a robot. 

Im not following him on Garmin no. 

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It can sting to see an ex move on.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. There's no point keeping tabs on him..

You're doing the right thing going on vacation and setting up dates.

Thank you. Im very excited about the date on friday actually, and Im very happy I already had that set up even if it will just keep my mind off it. Hopefully a good way to see that there are other people out there! I dont think this will be "the one", but he seems very normal, sane, fun, upbeat, and serious. He said he will surprise me with what we're doing so Im excited

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree you haven't let this obsession with this guy go yet.  What did he say and want from you when he contacted you?  Did you tell him to not contact you again?  Did you block him? Did you reject the add ons?  Now that you see he has moved his girl in with him your question has been answered as to how long the honeymoon phase lasts.  It sounds like it's heating up with them and they are getting more serious about each other.  I thought you said you were already seeing other guys, but whatever, I'm glad you've got a date and hope it goes well.  How is therapy going?

 

I feel like Im letting it go, but every time I feel like it gets easier its like he can smell it and breadcrumbs me in a way, or I get some terrible news that feels like a punch to the stomach. 

He only tried to add me on as a running friend on garmin, Im not even sure how it works as I have no one there, I only use the app to track my own run, not for socials. I didnt contact him to tell him to not contact me, he hasn't texted me or anything. When he ran past me and shouted something I didnt reply. luckily he didnt stop to chat, just kept running. 

I guess you're referring to my other thread. That's not related to this. That was more to educate myself. I feel like I have in other shorter relationships or dating often been "love bombed" in the beginning, and that suddenly everything shifts a bit, which Im guessing is when the honeymoon phase ends, and Im trying to learn how long the phase is, so that I dont get too invested in that period, and know when I can get to know the "real" person. Its not about this case, Im guessing their honeymoon period would be over a long time ago, and that it has progressed into something more serious. 

It will be my first serious date in a long time, we've been chatting since april and talking on the phone, but I haven't been ready to date, so Ive postponed it for a good while, and he has been very patient. 

Im saving up for therapy, I have my first appointment in august

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't know how this works, but surely you can delete him/block him/not accept the add. No?

Again, why do you let him? (Unless you didn't accept the request - again, I don't use such apps so I don't know they work)

Why did you do this? 

No I didnt, I dont want anyone else to track my running stats regardless. Running is my free space  I have strava with colleagues where I sometimes post if we run together, but he doesn't know about my profile there! 

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

@Runninggirl did you accept his requests?

No. I can't see any reason he needs to track my work out habits, and I dont care about his. He was never particularly into working out either, so I guess it won't be much to track regardless. Its not very interesting to me. 

2 hours ago, glows said:

Can you not focus on anything he does and enjoy a more forward focused look to the future? What I mean by this is conditioning yourself into focusing on what matters to you. You’re a runner so focus. Im sure you train in your spare time and take up marathons or other running events. When you’re running do you let a whiff of a hot dog stand on the side of the road derail you? 

The same logic applies. Stay focused and enjoy your life now.

Ive been really trying to, but Im not perfect, and its not always that easy. To avoid the hot dog stands is easy, and jump over the bumps in the road, but like finding out they moved in together feels like a truck running me over from a sideway I didnt see, not a temptation I could avoid. And I feel like there's been a lot of trucks, and every time I pick my self up a bit and finally get back to running something else hits me, or something fall from the sky. 

Ive always been a 5 and 10k runner, mostly because its a next level commitment and dedication to train for half marathon. I dont want to overdo it and have issues with knees or similar, so I have to do it properly, but Im hoping to do my first half marathon this year or next year  Running 10k in september, but might change to half marathon if I can get the proper form by then. 

[Runninggirl]

About the date; I haven't been dating for a long time now, because I felt so fragile at a point, I didnt want to get confused, get my feelings too much involved, was afraid I would get very connected to someone based off not wanting to be alone, feeling lonely or using someone as a "savior". Ive been dating before where that kind of became the thing (which Ive made other treads about), where I get very attached to someone because they make me temporarily feel good. Ive also wanted to stay clear of any casual sex as its not my thing at all. I always just feel very shitty after. 

This is the first time I feel really excited about it, and i have a really good feeling, and he hasn't pressured me in any way, and I haven't been attached to the outcome at all. Didnt care if he stopped talking to me, or met someone else. He was just patiently there. I feel very comfortable now, and hopefully it will be good. I think the worst case scenario will be that Im not into him, and best case we have a cool date and can go for a second one and just take it slow! 

[Alpacalia]

52 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

About the date; I haven't been dating for a long time now, because I felt so fragile at a point, I didnt want to get confused, get my feelings too much involved, was afraid I would get very connected to someone based off not wanting to be alone, feeling lonely or using someone as a "savior". Ive been dating before where that kind of became the thing (which Ive made other treads about), where I get very attached to someone because they make me temporarily feel good. Ive also wanted to stay clear of any casual sex as its not my thing at all. I always just feel very shitty after. 

This is the first time I feel really excited about it, and i have a really good feeling, and he hasn't pressured me in any way, and I haven't been attached to the outcome at all. Didnt care if he stopped talking to me, or met someone else. He was just patiently there. I feel very comfortable now, and hopefully it will be good. I think the worst case scenario will be that Im not into him, and best case we have a cool date and can go for a second one and just take it slow! 

He sounds like a goodie. I experienced this with someone that was patient with me for our first date. I ended up liking him more.

It sounds like you're feeling much more confident and open to exploring relationships now. It sounds like you're taking the right approach to dating, and that there is potential for it to turn into something more down the road at your own pace. Best of luck on your date!

 

[mark clemson]

Just ignore his requests. It seems he wants to continue "living rent free in your head" for purposes that probably have little to do with anything that's a positive for you. Don't let his breadcrumbing trigger worries or "detective mode" thinking for you, just ignore them. It's easier said than done sometimes perhaps, but simply continue to resolve to move on.