A situation... confused! HELP ANYONE?

[dgiirl]

Yeah I agree with LadyJane. He has taken some heat from me pretty gracefully and keeps coming back for more advice. I dont think he plans on being a deadbeat father just yet. I think he's just a little misguided in what a real relationship means and has a little bit of trouble not shifting blame. But as far as I can tell, he's trying to make this adjustment ok for everyone involved. I dont have any kids, so obviously this might be a wrong judgement, but taking a little break for everyone involved might be good for a little while. Until the initial shock of everything starts to wear off.

[Hot Coco]

He'll learn, Coco. Have some faith.

 

It's not like he's a 'knuckle-dragging neanderthal'. He's displayed an interest in doing the right thing. Just by coming here to LS and putting himself out there says something about him. It's not easy to put yourself up on the chopping block. And he's taken some heat too.

 

Cut him some slack.

 

I understand what you're saying LJ but I just think he's hurting his son in the meantime. I mean I know he's trying to get his act together but at the very least he should be calling his son every day. One of his posts made it clear that he wasn't doing that. He should be careful to not hurt his innocent little boy while he's getting his act together.

 

I'm not trying to be mean to him or anything. He's just got so much going on that it sounds like he's not thinking about his son now.

 

I'll be happy to lay off and "cut him some slack" but I don't take back what I said. I really think it's important. I wish him nothing but the best in his new life. It's just really easy for some people to forget that their kids are going through a tough transition too and that they need some extra attention to make them feel secure...not LESS attention.

 

But I really do wish him the best. I just focused in on that one issue.

 

And by the way, I hear you on the fact that it's not easy putting yourself on the chopping block on LS!

[Hot Coco]

Yeah I agree with LadyJane. He has taken some heat from me pretty gracefully and keeps coming back for more advice. I dont think he plans on being a deadbeat father just yet. I think he's just a little misguided in what a real relationship means and has a little bit of trouble not shifting blame. But as far as I can tell, he's trying to make this adjustment ok for everyone involved. I dont have any kids, so obviously this might be a wrong judgement, but taking a little break for everyone involved might be good for a little while. Until the initial shock of everything starts to wear off.

 

Just a couple of comments on your post. First, I'm not saying he'll be a deadbeat dad. He stated more than one time that he'll provide for his son. But kids need more than money/child support. They need your TIME. It's not enough to just support them financially.

 

And I completely disagree with "taking a little break for everyone involved" as being good for the child. It might be GREAT for the adults but the child had nothing to do with this and needs to have some sense of continuity and securityh in his life during this time. I don't see how it would be good for his son to have a break from the father he worships. He should be with him, away from his W if necessary but he should be with him. So we disagree on the break being good for his son.

[whyohwhy]

Lady Jane -

 

Awesome post. You hit so close to hme - truth and compassion are one - all I can say is WOW!

[hoorel]

Okay... Okay... my turn for a little rebuttle.....

 

First of all... I do talk to my son every day. There is not an evening that goes by that I dont say goodnight to him and talk about his day in school. It is the most I can do right now. Its my wife I dont talk to for a few days. She just hands the phone to him and we talk. And be reminded that I have only been gone for about 3 weeks. And in that time I have tried to talk to my son every chance I get. I even gave my wife another cell phone with my number programed in first so he can call when he wants. And he does. My time to prove I am being a good divorced father has yet to come. There is a long road ahead... but I will be damned if I am not going to take care of my son's needs, both financially, emotionally, and physically to the best of my ability! I just have to learn how to be a good father without being a husband to her... And no, my parents know my son well, and know he is strong and will help me and my wife in any way. They are wonderful grandparents, as are her parents... But they have all seen what has been going on in our relationship, and forsaw this coming.

 

As far as telling my wife the TRUTH about not being any chance.. I swear to god I sound like a broken record on the phone with her. Every time she says to come back and try to fix it, I explain that there is no chance of fixing it, and that this is the way it is going to be. I am being persistent and trying not to give her any false hope whatsoever.

 

As far as the affair thing... ok, I guess by those defenitions, I am having an affair. I truly wish it wasnt, but I guess I will agree with you all. However, this OW and I have no plans for the immediate or even near future. And we do not converse as much as I would have liked, but maybe thats a good thing. I do not agree with you however on the "rewriting" of history. I do not have that good of an imagination. The way I percieve things are most times the way things are with my relationship. I have had to think about it time and time again if what I thought really happened... so myself, being a hard evidence believer... found the evidence for almost each issue that ended up being a fabrication. Maybe she did it to impress me or make me happier... I guess I will never know. If I confront her about it, it becomes an argument of acusations and denials. I do not want that now.

 

On the issue of faults... sure, I have many faults. Every time I look at the pictures of my son on the fireplace, or here on my computer I think of the faults I had as a husband and a wife. I know I have ALOT to change in my life before I can ever even think of beginning a new relationship. These are things I have to deal with myself! However, without pointing the finger at her, you must understand that it has been years of confusion and misdirection by her toward things that were important in my life. It is not necessarily that she is to blame, but many of her qualities were very... make that extremely undesireable for years.

 

The "letting herself go..." does not mean she is a "fattie". True, she gained some weight. No problem. But when your lifestyle causes constant hospital visits, and medications, and your habits of smoking and eating fast foods cause your health to suffer, then I have to intervene... and I have. But to no success. I work in an industry of healthy lifestyle, and appearance, and physically fit. It is what I do, and what I belive in, and for her to disregard any attempts I have made to help her be a better, healthier person disapoints me. She cared nothing about her appearance, and health. Call me selfish and maybe downright mean, but sorry... thats how I feel about it!

(And yes, the OW is one of the healthiest people I have ever met. She cares about her appearance, and her lifestyle. That is wonderful to me.)

These things I have told her. I have made my dissatisfaciton in this issue known to her for the last 4 years. I figured 2 years after having a baby was long enough to blame the extra weight and health reasons on the pregnancy... dont you?

 

 

As far as finding peace with my actions... funny thing is, besides missing my son every day... I had made peace with myself leaving the relationship the moment I put the truck in drive and headed to another state. I knew this was what I wanted. I am sorry for taking all of your time telling you all of this... but in a way, I have found even more peace in what you are saying about "owning it." I do own the descision. I own the choice I made. I know what problems I have, and I am going to fix them. I just hope she gets some help for the problems she has. She deserves to be happy, and she would never have been truly happy with me being unhappy with her. Thats the thought I OWN right now.

 

You all have been the best help I have had in a long time. I am down in California now, and I have no friends here. I dont go anywhere, or do anything. I basically sit at home and try to plan for my future, and save a little money to send my son and be able to go see him. So thank you all for being here and reading my posts. Brutal as some of your responses may be, I still appreciate them... I am always a fan of criticism, be it degrading, or constructive.

 

Thank you... and feel free to comment on this last posting!

[Ladyjane14]

As far as telling my wife the TRUTH about not being any chance.. I swear to god I sound like a broken record on the phone with her.

 

But did you tell your wife about the OW? That's the TRUTH that will answer her questions of "why".

[hoorel]

But see... thats not the truthfull answer for "why"...

 

True, it was a factor in my recent descision.. but I can guaruntee you with all that I am and believe, that I would have eventually gotten to this point. I have been wanting to do this for the last few years. Like dgiirl said in an earlier response... I wasted her time for a few years. Well, I wasted mine too.

 

True, the OW did play a part in my relationship. But in my timing alone! The fact that I found someone that truly made me happy from the inside out was enough to see that it was time for me to leave. Regardless if I end up with the OW or not!

 

So the truthfull reason is a complicated one. But to avoid full anger and the possibility of loosing custody and visitation rights, the OW will NOT be mentioned!

[Ladyjane14]

.....to avoid full anger and the possibility of loosing custody and visitation rights, the OW will NOT be mentioned!

 

That makes it easier for YOU, certainly. But your wife will carry the entire blame forward with her. Because you haven't accepted your fair share in the failing of the marriage.

 

It's hard enough to be dumped by someone who promised to love and cherish you forever. It's a helluva blow to the self-esteem anyway. But to be left thinking that you were just a 'bad person' is WRONG. By not sharing the entire truth with her....she's going to tear herself apart wondering what, specifically, is 'unlovable' about her.

 

True, it wouldn't take her 15 minutes on a site like this one, before someone like me 'connected the dots' for her, but the fact is that since you haven't had a physical affair there's NO REASON to put her through all that.

 

I'm short on time right now, but will post more later. There are some things you need to know about Infatuation, and the way it can sometimes affect a person's thought process.

 

Think about this though. If OW really, truly has NOTHING whatsoever to do with your divorce.....why not dump her? And I'm not talking about just until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. I'm talking about 'off the grid' entirely.

 

I think if you live in that moment for awhile, you'll be able to see that OW is affecting your decisions to a greater degree than what you are willing to admit.

[hoorel]

It does sort of make it easier for me... however, during all of this, I never put the blame directly on her... or told her it was her fault. I have told her that she is a wonderful person, and I told her the truth that these feelings have been hanging around for at least the last 2 years. I know she will grieve.. I know she will be mad... I know she will blame herself. That is part of this I guess. This is the first time I have done this... divorce and all... so I am still learning too.

 

The thing about the OW is... there is nothing to "dump." We are not together, or are making plans on being together. The "infatuation" does not exist. Besides, the OW lives even further away than my wife does right now. Why would I want to put myself through that? I have no "infatuation" with this OW. True, in different circumstances, I could definately see having a relationship with this person, but due to timing and other factors, it is not going to happen.

 

I will admit that the OW is affecting my decisions. But it is only helping me to finally become happy with my life. Be it with or without the OW... makes no difference to me. I have a serious career to worry about, and the last thing I want to do is start the drama of dating again!

 

Please continue responding if you have time... Thanks!

[Ladyjane14]

Well, apparently you've got this all worked out. So....I'm at a loss as to what your original state of confusion was, as mentioned in your first post.

 

You aren't "infatuated"....even though your situation meets the criteria for an Emotional Affair. (After reading ALOT of threads, I guess there's a first time for everything.)

 

You aren't blaming your STBX, or holding on to any resentments. You're honest and compassionate with her.

 

If all that is true....then good luck in your divorce.

[hoorel]

I guess it just took discussing it on here to realize that.

 

I think by getting it off my chest and explaining what has been going on, I have been able to understand it better.

 

Thank you for all your help. I guess the next thing to do is to file for the divorce... dont know when I'll have time to do that! Oh well........ I guess no rush!

[Leilao1]

If you are determined, it is better for her too. Just don't get involved with OW before you are done at least with a filing process. The man that I loved did that, we had great time however his ex did everything possible to mess that up. She also manipulated with their child. I got so sick of the situation and ended up blaming it on him even though I still love him. But there is no chance for future or anything between me and him because I also feel very bad for her and somewhat quilty in spite of his saying that his separation has nothing to do with me. She did not see it that way and for her I was the only cause. I could not take it. I am not saying the you would handle it the way he did, just thought I would let you know. But yes, if you are sure then get out of it. That does not mean you will be any better or worse parent that you are now and you are not deserting your child. Child should never been the only reason to stay together, it should be a good reason, but not the only.