SMHappyface Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 My fiance and boyfriend of almost three years abruptly ended our relationship a few days ago. This happened soon after a big fight we had about a week ago (see other post under getting married). We've had many fights before, but we've always moved passed them. Somehow this was different. He told me he didn't see a future with me anymore and we should end it now. I was very shocked and of course devistated. I packed up his stuff for him and went crying to bed. He told me he would stay with me so I wouldn't be alone, but he was leaving in the morning. Maybe he felt guilty, but he eventually told me about 1:00 that night that he just needed time and he wouldn't go screw around with other girls and that he just needed a break - "Do you feel a bit better about that?" he asked. Not really because I knew he probably was just saying that to make things easier. Well, about 9:00 yesterday morning, he took all his stuff and left. He hugged me goodbye and even did his little pinky wave at me that he knows I like, "Don't give up on us yet, I just need space, I just need time" he told me as he walked out. I'm not sure what to think. I've wracked my brain about it for 24 hours and hardly slept. I think I may have come to the main point. His dad left his mom when he was three, and his mom re-married to a drunken guy who physically would abuse him. His dad re-married to a manipulative bitch who emotionally abused him. Today his mom is married to a great guy who loves her and they are happy and his dad has a live-in girlfriend. In the past two weeks, he has had two friends of his - both of them their husbands cheated on them, he has had to endure many guys at work talk about how their wives F****'d them over. And his own dad has never approved of us, convinced that we will end up just like him and my fiance's mother. I believe he's given up hope. His reasons for leaving are because we are too different or something like that, nothing he said really made sense. I handled the breakup very calmly I think - I cried, but I let him go. I am allowing him his space and am not contacting him or bothering him at all. I feel devistated the relationship ended - he even took his ring back. I AM DESPERATE FOR ANY ADVICE! Please, if you have any suggestions on how to salvage this relationship, please help! Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Sounds to me like he doesn't want to get married which is probably the biggest blessing in disguise you will ever get.His background sounds like an emotional train-wreck.I would procede with caution on this.The fact that he needs time shows you he is emotionally unavailable right now and the last thing you want is to be a divorce stat.Let the dust settle on this one but forget the marraige for now. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 It is hard to be dumped for someone else, but it is excruciating to be dumped because the person simply doesn't want to be with you. I can understand that well, as I got the apocolyptic dump like that too. I got the whole "I don't love you anymore" and "the break" and basically all it was, was a painful slide into a full breakup. I guess he didn't have the nads to just end it completely (not to mention I was very hard to get rid of), so even after he told me he didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me I managed to hold on for a few more months and let me tell you - I wish I had just walked away myself and not subjected myself to a bogus "break" that was nothing more than a coward delaying a full-blown breakup. I wish I could tell you that there was something to salvage of your relationship, but there isn't - when someone makes a decision like that about something really serious like that, they aren't going to change their mind and nothing you do or say will make them change their mind. All you will get is increasing levels of coldness and distance. What is there to salvage? Yourself. You have to find a way to let go. I got through mine by joining a gym and working out every day, and finding a good therapist to help with the emotional end of things. It was not easy to let go and for a long time I didn't. But, eventually I was able to. I ended up meeting someone who DID want to share their life with me, and someone who I found that I wanted to spend my life with - someone who made that other relationship seem like a superficial waste of time. I am THANKFUL it didn't work out with that other guy, in fact. I hope that you will be able to find a similar clarity one day - it truly is a case of one door closing, and another opening. It just takes time to stop staring at the closed door and waiting for it to open up again. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I got the apocolyptic dump like that too. I got the whole "I don't love you anymore" and "the break" and basically all it was, was a painful slide into a full breakup Me too,I got the "im not say it's over I have to figure out why I feel this way"Then she does it to me over the phone the final "i have bad news". It is hard to be dumped for someone else, but it is excruciating to be dumped because the person simply doesn't want to be with you. I got double whammied,she dumps me and starts dating 2 weeks later.I asked her how she could date this guy so soon after ending your marriage she says to me "for companionship":rolleyes: What was I????we were only married 2 years. one day - it truly is a case of one door closing, and another opening. great advice it is so true Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMHappyface Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 The thing though was he was the one wanting to get married for like the past two years - pressuring me, asking me, begging me. I was the one worried how it would end up. So we get engaged, a month passes, we had a big fight and now he says he "doesn't feel the same anymore" How can something like that change so drastically? After 2.5 years with the man, he dissapears and this crazy man comes on the scene. Perhaps this is payback for all the times (yes, I hate to say there are a few) where I put in the can, and in our big fight I did give his ring back, so maybe partly was my fault? He says he's never stopped loving me, and will have a hard time getting over this. He was even crying when he left. But he feels we are too different and this cannot end well, and it's better to end it now before it goes any further. "A big hurt now is better than a bigger hurt later" he said. One sentance he kept saying was "I don't know, I just don't feel it anymore" Yes, he is a mess, but how can sometime be so incredibly perfect and now change in a matter of weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 "I don't know, I just don't feel it anymore" Not exactly words from someone who is excited about getting married.This is an easy one to just walk away from because why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. "A big hurt now is better than a bigger hurt later" This guy seems like he is doing you a favor.He is at least up front and honest that is unless there is someone else and that is the reason for the change of feelings. His reasons for leaving are because we are too different or something like that, nothing he said really made sense. I know you don't want to hear this but my ex did the same thing out of the blue while we were trying to have a baby then one day I get blindsided with it's over,turns out she met someone else and thats usually the case do a little digging and see what you can find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SMHappyface Posted October 31, 2005 Author Share Posted October 31, 2005 Someone else? How do you know it has to be somebody else? Could he just be scared of ending up like his parents? Link to post Share on other sites
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