My Breath is Gone

[CantBreathe]

Last week I discovered my wife of a year and a half has been cheating on me. I guess it's karma since in the beginning of our relationship I cheated on her. Basically, after the intial shock of reading the emails he sent her. I became angry and packed up her clothes and put her out. A week has gone by and I realized the funniest thing I still love her and I want her back. I asked her why she did it, she said it was an escape from me and what I have been putting her through. She proceeded to tell me that for about a year she has seen a change in me, I have become more controlling of her. For example, When I would come home I would complain about what she didn't do right vs giving her a hug or a kiss. I took control of our bank accounts. I yelled at her about things that have no meaning now. I guess I became involved with my own expectation of how a wife acts and I drove her away with that. I never knew how much I was hurting her. I told her that I was sorry and I had just forgotten why I married her in the first place. Not to treat her like a child but like a partner. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her and I want to make it up to her. She told me that she didn't love the guy she had an affair with and she wants to be with me. BUT she thinks we are two different people and we will never work. She thinks, I am never going to change and I will never forgive her. I asked her to see a therapist with me she said no, she wants a divorce. Then she says, she wants to wait she needs time to think. So she left me to stay with her family and I am hurting. I miss her so much, I can't believe how I acted and I just want a second chance to love her they way it was meant to be. But at the same time I am angry, how could you marry me then give up on it so easily?, how could tell me you love me and not even give us a chance? Maybe things can improve. Why don't you believe me I want to change things and I already have forgiven you just like you forgave me.

I'm so miserable without her, I can't even think straight. I told her don't make any power moves for a couple of days, yet she moved some of her things out this morning. I don't think she is coming back, I feel like I have messed up the only good thing I ever known and I will always regret it. But that's the part that is telling me to fight for her, call her friends and her family and tell them all I love her and I want my wife back. I want to call twenty million times and tell her I love her.. But I think that will just push her further away.. I don't know how I am going to get through this and I don't know how to win her back..I'm just tired and broken.

 

 

A poem for her:

 

RedRoots

Nature is the beast; best never heard.

Yet actions feed our purpose

You are my lie in essence, reflecting Truth.

Purple these Roots become.

Why? The chatter spoken always surreal;

when an empty mind ,can be so full.

A Tear... these Roots now blue;

Your cooper lips kissed my soul;

and corroded my flesh.

Boundless pain numbs the heart and caress the mind.

Welted rage subdues my impression;

Whispers of laughter may awaken you

Our Roots turn white,

Naked as the thought of birth,

blanketed by hands of death

Yet seeing you underwater,

makes me want to drown.

And if we do, when we do, could you do?

Then I know our Roots will be red again

[westernxer]

But at the same time I am angry, how could you marry me then give up on it so easily?, how could tell me you love me and not even give us a chance?

 

She obviously reached her breaking point. How else would you expect her to act?

 

Your best bet is to respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. It sounds like you don't know how to do that, though.

[Art_Critic]

You can't "Win" her back.. She isn't a prize..

 

Sounds like your marriage is over.. With you cheating on her that gave your marriage the wrong foundation to build on and now your reaping the benefits of setting that up..

Give her space.. it you don't she will be gone forever

[scobro]

what comes around goes around.A marriage where both people cheated on each other:( .That is just pathetic on both you and your wife.Infidelity in a marriage is taboo and you should both just end it and find new partners you wouldn't dream of cheating on.Sorry to be harsh ex wife had an infidelity problem that is why I am a little sensitive to the subject.I just think it's something that goes beyond betrayal and trust it's a common descency issue in my books.Sorry bro I think you got what you deserved in the end.

[HokeyReligions]

You BOTH need time to regroup and to think about the future and reflect on what happened and how to find ways to keep it from happening again.

 

Just as the choice was yours to have an affair, this time the choice was hers. Do you blame her for pushing you into an affair? Does she blame you for pushing her into an affair? If either is true then stop now and don't play the blame game. Get yourself into some counseling -- you don't have to have her with you. You can't change her and if you want to make changes for yourself then do it with the help of a therapist who can guide you and help you help yourself. She may come around or she may not, but the important thing is that you are making self improvements. Give her time to do the same thing. When you are better and thinking clearly then you can work on a relationship again.

 

When my husband left me I wanted to do whatever I could to get him back. That wasn't really the healthy thing though because it wasn't doing me any good and he knew any desperate promises I made or surface changes were only that - surface changes and desperate promises. *I* had to do what was best for me. As it turned our for us -- what was best for me benefitted us both and we did get back together. He also went into counseling to help himself and that benefitted us both. But we had to clarify our goals and not just get counseling as a quick-fix to a broken marriage, but an indepth repair to each of the broken parts.

 

If she is not willing to work on the marriage then you need the help to get through it and realize that there is life after divorce and that you can lead a happy life without her.

[CantBreathe]

What you mean about the initial act of betrayal, but we had worked through that. She had forgiven me and since that time 6 yrs ago I never even thought of another woman. I know that I was controlling, but I just wanted our lives to be as comfortable as possible. What I don't understand is she never expressed how she felt until it built up inside of her. If I never found out she would have continued to pretend to be happy with me. I don't understand that, why didn't she tell me she was unhappy. She could have so many times. How can you try to change something if the other party dosen't tell you what is bothering them. I would have and still willing to work on myself not only for her but for me. I didn't know she was unhappy. If I knew the relationship might have been able to have been saved. That is why I am giving her space,even though I don't want to let go. I know she needs that. I just wish I could make her see that the man she once loved is still here.

[Outcast]

But at the same time I am angry, how could you marry me then give up on it so easily?,

 

She gave up on it because you beat it to death. Love doesn't survive mistreatment, nor should it. How dare you treat her like that (control, anger, etc etc) and expect her to just come back to you and love you after all that? Do you think you married a dog or a human being with dignity?

What I don't understand is she never expressed how she felt until it built up inside of her.

 

She was probably afraid to.

 

I just wish I could make her see that the man she once loved is still here.

 

I assume the man she once loved used to treat her well. I think you showed her your true colours and she decided she wasn't interested in them. Love is about actions, not words, and to mistreat someone you claim to love means you don't really love her. Don't be surprised if she doesn't forgive you. No person with any intelligence would want to go back to such a relationship.

 

IF by your actions you can prove that you have stopped being horrible to her and will never do so again, maybe she'll come back but I suspect that you'd just do the same thing again.

[dontwanttoloosehim]

I know exactly how you feel. Its hard to stay away with NC tell me about it . We are seperated and due to my circumstances we live under the same roof!!! It so hard!! Not to ask fight etc.... But time helps thats what I have realized soon Ill be able to stand up and move on but for now I am stuck!

The best thing is to step out with NC easy said than done .....

 

trust me i have been trying for 4 months... sad sad case on my part....

 

Have faith in god and his path for you in this world. It helps when you think God loves you and wants the best for you and if you let him he'll lead you to your destiny.

 

I know all of this-- but yet its still hard ..... The emotions and frustrations.

 

This is a great place to vent ...

Let me know If i could be of any help

God Bless